Theatrical Review: Zombieland (2009)

"Awesomeland."

Cast Members of Note- Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin, and Amber Heard.

Mad Cow Disease finally destroys humanity in the form of a gas station hamburger, and turns most everyone into stark raving Mad-Cow zombies! This begs the question of who would eat a hamburger at a gas station? I mean, really? Anyway, Zombie Apocalypse ensues, which includes ninja zombies, robot zombies, and flaming zombies!

Even Firemen run from flaming zombies, and they run from nothing!

Alive and on the run in the world-turned-zombie, Columbus, a nerdy World of Warcraft virgin-geek, meets up with Tallahassee, a bad-ass southern ass kicker who likes to kick zombie ass for fun, and the two set off on a mission to find some Twinkies. After finding nothing other than a truck full of Sno-balls, they are hijacked and robbed by two chicks (Wichita and Little Rock), twice, and somehow end up meeting Bill Murray. 

Can you guess which character is which?

Will Columbus ever get laid? Will Wichita learn to love again? Will Tallahassee ever find a friggin' Twinkie? Not if the zombie clown has anything to say about it!

Fuck this clown!

I have one thing to say, and one thing only: any movie that plays For Whom the Bell Tolls over its opening credits is aces in my book. Ok I lied, I have more to say... This movie is fun as hell, and aside from the annoying actions of the main chicks throughout most of the movie, it's easily one of the best of the year. Woody Harrelson is brilliant as Tallahassee, the zombie ass-kicking southern boy with a penchant for awesome one-liners. I mean no disservice to the other actors in the movie, but he carried this one on his back, and even pressed it over his head a few times. Everyone else performed admirably too, but Woody definitely stole all of the thunder. 

He sets the standard for "Not to be fucked with."

And what a stroke of genius that Bill Murray cameo was. It's the little things like that cameo, the Twinkie sub-plot, and the "rules," that made this move a breath of fresh air. Clever, funny, well written & acted... this is a great movie all the way around. 

On a sad note, 406 got 86'd way too quickly. I'm a firm believer that what the world so desperately needs right now is more Amber Heard, and to see her cameo not be a leading role... but at least we had a short while together.

Brilliant.

I would have shot the snotty little grifter bitches. Sure, I may have missed out on some eventual romance, and maybe they're good people who are just scared and overly-defensive, but screw that, no chick pulls a gun on me and lives! Unless it's Amber Heard. That'd be ok. 

You're a virgin, don't be so picky!

How annoyingly stupid were the chicks in the movie? Ditching the guys and running off alone, when they couldn't survive on their own, and turning on an amusement park at night... creating a MASSIVE beacon for zombies? Then, jump out of your car and get on a ride that strands you 300 feet in the air because it's safe? Zombies can climb, dummies!

They also run pretty well.

Plenty of typical zombie movie violence and gore to be had here, though it was nothing insanely over the top. A lot of the kills were clever and even funny, and should satisfy anyone needing a messy zombie death fix.

Nope, and what a waste of three two hot chicks. Sorry Abigail Breslin, you're too young to be hot. You'll have to settle for adorable for another 3 years or so. As for Amber Heard and Emma Stone, though... let the naughty thoughts begin!

Those are they eyes of a girl that wants to get naked.

"You wanna feel how hard I can punch?" or "Double Tap." 
 

Bill Murray is awesome. Also, chicks cannot survive without men... this movie more than proved that theory.

Just admit it, girls. You need us. At least a little bit.

This is a wickedly fun movie that all of us as horror fans need to see on the big screen. As Horror Comedies go (especially of the zombie variety), dare I say this is better than Shaun of the Dead? That's totally up for debate, but it's at least as good, and I can only pray that we get a sequel at some point. See it, and if you already have, see it again.

A

Zombieland is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Emma Stone lives in Hottieland. 

*Addendum: Now that Abigail Breslin is 18, so does she.