10 Reasons that we loved Machete Kills (2013)

If you're sitting down to watch Machete Kills, you know that you're in for a cheesy, ridiculous, insanely over-the-top, and self-aware ride. You're not expecting it to be "good," and you know that you're going to be rolling your eyes in disbelief, more than a few times.

That's what it is though, so it's alright.

Sometimes we need the ridiculous movies of the world just to make us laugh and say "what the hell just happened?"

Machete Kills is nothing more than a bunch of friends getting together to make a silly movie, because it's fun for them to do, and fun for saps like us to watch.

As we did with the first Machete (back in 2010),we've thrown together 10 pictures that best summarize the reasons that we loved this movie.

And just so you know, Lady Gaga was NOT a reason that we loved this movie. She's an awful actress, and a mediocre Pop Star to boot, so, just no.

Danny Trejo is still the man- Dude is 69-years-old, rescues dogs in the snow, and would kick your ass if the mood struck him. He's our hero.

A foul-mouthed, leather-clad Sophia Vergara- TV's hottest housewife lets her freaky side show in this one, and good lord what a great thing that is to witness. Also, the titty guns were pretty neat.

The 4 minutes that Walton Goggins spent on screen- One of the best actors on TV, Walt Goggins is just brilliant to watch in anything he does. Especially in The Shield and Justified.

El Mariachi- If El Hefe (Robert Rodriguez) had a personal El Hefe, it would be Antonio Banderas... which I guess makes him the El Hefe of El Hefe's?

Amber Heard- If I have to explain this one to you, I don't want to know you anymore.

Charlie Sheen as President Rathcock- So much winning. Rathcock, LOL.

Michelle Rodriguez- Even with one eye, she sees into our soul. She's a fine specimen, folks, and a bro too.

Damian Bichir- Hot off of his great work on FX's The Bridge, Damian Bichir goes off of the edge of insanity cliff in this one. Fun times.

The armored El Camino- Because why not take one of the biggest Mexican stereotypes and make it truly bad-ass. P.S. I want one.

Danny Trejo and Mel Gibson in a Landspeeder- Because it doesn't get much more surreal that that.

For the record, we didn't think that Machete Kills was a s good as the first one. It was still goofy, escapist fun, but it felt a bit forced at times, and more polished overall.

That being said, we had a good time with this one, and yes, we'd absolutely put our money down to see Machete Kills: In Space. Because that is quite possibly going to be a thing.

B

The hot chicks still love Machete.

 

The Devil's Pass (2013)

In the Winter of 1959, nine ski-hikers (whatever the hell those are) went missing in the Ural Mountains in Russia. They were eventually all found dead, in varied states of decomposition and condition, skin colored orange, with one of them missing their tongue.

The incident has been a hotbed of legend and lore ever since, with everything Paranormal from Aliens to Yeti's being suspected as the cause of the group's demise. Exposure to dangerous weather and radiation are also said to have possibly been factors.

That is all an absolutely true story.

This movie... this sloppy, incoherent, ridiculous movie... is a Blair Witch-style Found Footage flick that attempts to explain what happened to the Dyatlov Group, via the investigation of a bunch of witless College students who have no clue what they're doing.

Hilarity and frustration ensue.

Beware: Here there be spoilers!

 

 

When a Psychology major decides that she wants to unravel the 50 year-old mystery behind the disappearance and death of some hikers in Mother Russia, she gathers up some of her College cronies, applies for a grant, and they all head off to the snowy Ural Mountains to do some investigating. On film, of course.

Along the way, all sorts of odd things happen to them; they find a tongue in an ice-box, wake up to find odd footprints surrounding their campsites, they have acid flashbacks, locals start shooting at them, they're attacked by a herd of Ukranian exploding mountain goats... it soon become apparent that these idiot College Hipsters should have stayed home, because they are ill-equipped to deal with the rigors of the Russian Wilderness.

Press on they do however, because "they just have to know what happened here 50 years ago!" From here on out this movie turns into some ramshackle craziness about time travel and Government conspiracy, and involves some oddly-placed mutant-things which look like discarded CGI tests for the creatures in I Am Legend...

Head shaking and frustrating groans ensue.

Lame.

The scenery and locations were gorgeous. Gemma Atkinson (who is Rowan Atkinson's daughter?!?) is really nice to look at, and... yeah, that's about it as far as anything good is concerned.

The acting is pretty bad; from the horrible line delivery, to the melodramatic emotional displays.That is absolutely the script's fault, in part, because it too is truly awful, but man, that acting... When Gemma Atkinson is the most solid player you have in a film, you know that there's an issue. That's no knock on Gemma, you understand, but I mean she's no Meryl Streep, you know?

Even those dogs look annoyed at their co-stars.

This has to be one of the worst scripts I've seen made into a movie all year. Not only is the story ridiculous and just plain silly, but the way everything is put together is just amateurish and clunky. It's supposed to be a Found Footage flick, but it's more than obvious that the characters in the movie are reading poorly written lines. Nothing feels real or natural about anything in this movie.

All of the overly-familiar and lame Found Footage tropes are present here, and used ad-nauseum; from the handy old FF stand by of "keep filming no matter what, I want there to be a record of this" to the fact that the characters actions play to the camera, even though no one would act in such ways in real life, and in such harrowing situations...

...and exactly how did the footage end up being found anyhow? The whole time travel plot kinda makes that an impossibility, unless I missed something.

-The avalanche scene, in which the characters basically murder one of their friends by leaving them to die in said avalanche, in favor of saving a supply pack, made us laugh. They killed off the best character with that bit, and in such a cheesy way.

-And did this movie really just try to connect The Philadelphia Experiment with the Dyatlov Incident?

-And by the way, Kholat Syakhl doesn't mean "Mountain of the Dead" you shitty, ill-informed writer, it means "Dead Mountain" as in not fruitful.

-There are some mutant-things living underground that look like rough CGI versions of the mutant-things from I Am Legend. That is to say that the CGI looks really bad, and felt really random.

At the point where the one chick started swinging a chain over her head at the oncoming mutant-things, I had to laugh and say "screw it!"

This movie also really smacked of Blair Witch, from start to finish, in its set up and plot structure...

 

The dialogue in this movie is horrible.
"Come on Ivan, the Cold War is over, we're friends now!"
"Are you telling me you didn't see those charges, or is that a herd of Ukranian exploding mountain goats!"

I could quote this shit pile all day, but most of the bad lines need to be seen in context with their poor delivery to be truly appreciated...

At least this close-up zoom of Gemma Atkinson's rack was satisfying...

I went into his one with the hopeful optimism that its creators would give us an interesting fictional addendum to the real life Dyatlov Pass Incident, but that is not the case. Renny Harlin's direction isn't bad here, but whoever this Vikram Weet guy is, he needs to go back to working on the Kardashian TV Show, and never write a script again.

Aside from some gorgeous location shots, this movie is frustratingly bad and offers little in the way of anything enjoyable...

I advise thee to skip this one, or at least catch it when it hits Cable for free in a few weeks. You know that's where it's headed, after all.

I refuse to believe that this hot-as-the-sun girl came out of Mr. Bean's penis.