VOD Review: The Crucifixion (2017)

"Based on actual events."

(aka Agares Unleashed.)
Release Date: October 6th.
Country: UK.
Rating: R.
Written by: Chad and Carey Hayes.
Directed by: Xavier Gens.
Starring: Sophie Cookson, Corneliu Ulici, Brittany Ashworth, and Matthew Zajac.

Based on real events, The Crucifixion comes from the mind of Xavier Gens, the guy who gave us Frontiere(s) (review HERE) and The Divide (review HERE), so if we have to sit through another exorcism flick, it might as well be one by him. At least we know it'll be stylish.

In the dark heart of Romania, a nun is dead after an exorcism gone wrong, and the priest who performed the rite is in jail for murder. He swears that there was a Demon named Agares inside of the girl, and that as the vessel of God, it was his duty to save her eternal soul. Of course the rational folk of Romania think that he's nuts.

HE LOOKS LEGIT TO US.

Nicole is a spunky young journalist who wants to bring light to the fact that Demons don't exist, and that a young woman is dead because the Church insists of keeping up the charade of God, the Devil, and religion in general. She's a non-believer who lost her mother to cancer a few years back, and she's got no faith to spare.

OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH...

Is Father Demitru a murderer, or a warrior for God? Is there a reason for crucifying someone during an exorcism? Will Nicole get naked for Jesus? Far be it from us to spoil what happens for you here, but suffice it to say that Romania is a creepy place.

AGARES IS MAKING IT RAIN.

The Crucifixion is a gorgeous movie to behold. Not only is Romania a beautiful place, but Xavier Gens has a cinematic eye that makes for some lush, visually unique shots. The Demon Agares is genuinely creepy, and the exorcism scenes were about as well done here as they are in any film of its kind.

As visually pleasing as it is though, this one plays more like a mystery than it does a true Horror flick. It has its moments -The visualization of Agares was downright chilling at times, and its visually stunning in parts- but most of the movie is Sophie Cookson running around, looking vexed, and falling prey to any number of jump scares. She does a great job, don't get me wrong, it would have just been nice to see her get raked through the muck a bit more.

The Crucifixion had its moments, but overall it's a bit of a tame exorcism flick that didn't push the boundaries that we expected of a movie by Xavier Gens. Maybe we need to let go of the gory brilliance that was Frontiere(s), but ever since that movie we've waited for Gens to get back to that level of Horror, and he never really has.

ROMANIAN HEALTHCARE HAS ITS ISSUES.

There's plenty of disturbing imagery throughout this one, like a crotch full of spiders and some messy exorcism viscera, but nothing very gory.

WHY ALWAYS THE EYE?!?

Sophie Cookson takes a bath, has some sex, and her open shirt reveals a bit of flesh.

THE DEMON OF SEXINESS, THAT'S WHAT SHE'S POSSESSED BY.

The Crucifixion is a good movie in general, and it's a decent exorcism flick, it's just not a very horrific one. Sophie Cookson is a compelling heroine, and there are some great ideas at play here, but it just doesn't offer much in the way of dread or graphic terror to satisfy like we wanted it to.

You could do worse for a rental though.

C+

The Crucifixion is available now on VOD.

The gorgeous Ladies of The Crucifixion.

VOD Review: They're Watching (2016)

"It at least kept us watching..."

They're Watching is technically a Found Footage flick, but we're also labeling it as a Mockumentary, because it was all about a Reality TV show, so it had aspects of both.

It's also the brainchild of the writers of such video games as Call of Duty: Black Ops II, and of the cartoon Spongebob Squarepants, so right off the bat, we knew that it would at least be something different.

And different it was.

We're probably going to take some crap for liking this one, or maybe just because we didn't hate it, but we've got to vote our feelings, you know?

This is gonna be a quickie. 

The crew of the Reality TV show Home Hunters Global is off to the country of Moldova, to find a new home for Becky; an artist who is tired of the fast pace of LA life, and who just wants to live somewhere that's quaint and rustic. Why she thinks that she's going to find what she's looking for in the ass-crack of Eastern Europe is anyone's guess, but hey, who can ever tell what a hipster artist is thinking anyway?

HIPSTER OR NOT, SHE'S HOT.

The crew -Sarah, Greg, and Alex, along with bitchy boss, Kate- find some help from a charming local guide named Vladimir, and together they set out to capture the the local sights on video, because long shots of the mouth-breathing locals are going to add some great flavor to Becky's story. They also drink and party, because what the hell else is there to do in Moldova?

AT LEAST ONE OF THEM IS HAPPY.

When they interrupt the villagers during a religious ceremony (Satanic rite, for all we know), they quickly begin to feel unwelcome... which is to say that the locals want to kill them because they think that they're witches or something.

Hilarious hi-jinks ensue.

AND DEATH. DEATH ENSUES TOO.

They're Watching reminded us of... and I say this VERY, VERY lightly... What We Do in the Shadows; not because it's anywhere near as funny or clever, but it had that same sort of light, humorous Mockumentary vibe about it. This one was funny, but on a lesser level.

This movie gave us a pretty fun premise, and we liked the characters and their witty banter, but there really wasn't much Horror to be found until near the end. We're not complaining, not really, as the movie entertained us fairly well with its humor, but anyone going into this one expecting it to be a balanced mix of Horror and Comedy might well be disappointed. 

Had the film's producers been able to spend a bit more money on the CGI that rules the last 10 minutes of the movie, it would have been better for it. It's pretty chintzy as is, and it fits in far better with the comedic tone of the first half of the movie, than with the Horror that they were trying to close it out with.

"SO, YOU WILL LET VLAD SHOW YOU MOLDOVA SWEAT BOX, YES?"

There's a bit of blood and gore at the end, but most of the movie is devoid of any such stuff.

THIS IS WHAT MAKES UP MOST OF THE MOVIE.

No nudity here, which is a bummer given how attractive the movie's cast is.

SUCH A QT.

Eastern Europeans hate Americans. And Witches. Especially American Witches.

SHOULDA STAYED IN LA.

Say what you will about They're Watching, because it's certainly not a prefect Horror Comedy by any means, but we enjoyed it. It had a fun vibe about it, the cast handle their comedic roles fairly well, and the finale was pretty cool... if a bit visually underwhelming.

If you dig the trailer, then this movie will probably be a fun rental.

C+

They're Watching is in theaters (Limited), and on VOD now.

Brigid Brannagh and Mia Faith make for one bewitching on-screen duo in this one.

DVD Review: Haute Tension (2003)

Sub-Genre- Slasher/French Horror
In Attendance- Me, Eryn and The Vanilla Gorilla.
Cast Members of Note- Cecile De France, Maiwenn, and Philippe Nahon.

This is a story about love, lesbian undertones, insanity, and home invasion. It's also a cautionary tale, as many French Horror movies are, about the dangers that await innocent people in the rural French Countryside; just trust me when I tell you to always stay in the city. There's death in them thar hills.

Just stay in the city!

When a creepy old French delivery dude comes knocking on the door of a rural home in the dead of night, we all know what he's delivering... death! Cold, hard death. After killing everyone while they're in their pajamas, he kidnaps a hot chick, which prompts another hot chick (who was hiding like a coward during all of the carnage) to give chase, in an effort to save her dear friend. I say "friend" but what I really mean is secret lesbian crush... because somebody's got one!

Maybe don't open the door for this guy at night. Or ever.

What comes next is a bloodbath of epic proportions, a creepy love story, and a really confusing ending. I won't spoil the ending for you here, other than to say that it's really confusing, and we had to watch the movie again to fully grasp all of its nuanced tricks. Yeah, this movie tricked us a lot.

Really, it's a love story. Aren't they all?

What isn't good about this movie? There are those that will complain that the "twist" ending ruined the movie, but really, it didn't. Not one bit. In fact, once you see it, the ending makes the second viewing better, and more challenging.

Does the title High Tension refer to sexual tension and repressed desires? Maybe. At the beginning when we hear Marie say "are we recording?," does that mean she's recalling the events from her point of view, to satisfy her own sense of self-righteousness, or is she being deceptive? I can't say for sure.

No matter what did or didn't happen, this is a movie that challenged us, and stayed with us long after it was over. This movie is an instant classic that needs to be seen by anyone who truly loves Horror. Gritty, bloody, nasty, and even thought provoking... this is a Must Have for any good Horror collection.

This bitch right here...

I'm going to bitch about the ending really quick here; not because I hated it, but because it really threw me for a loop the first time that I saw it, which pissed me off. It left me feeling cheated. Of course that feeling didn't last long, and after seeing the movie again, I was completely fine with how it ended, but I can totally see how some people would react angrily to its conclusion.

It was the damn Bear's fault!

Can kids ever escape horrific violence in French Horror movies? And for that matter, what about the dogs? I guess if you're cute and or cuddly in these movies, you're pretty much as good as dead.

I'm eventually going to need therapy.

Poor little Jean Pierre Luc Francois never had a chance... in this movie or in life.

This is probably one of the bloodiest movies the I've ever seen. The violence in this one is presented in such a realistic and in-your-face kind of way, that it makes everything seem that much more grim and hopeless... which is a good thing, if you're sick puppies like us. It's definitely a bit hard to watch at times.

I especially like the scene involving the buzz saw... This is really great stuff.

You're singing? Now?!?

 

We get to see some boobs, and a hot/odd masturbation scene, other than that though, this movie isn't much on the sexy stuff.

They totally dropped the ball in this one as far as potentially hot lesbian scenes go.

"I won't let anyone come between us any more."

All women are crazy. Also, I need one of those crazy French vans.

The look of love.

Hate the twist ending or not, this is a spectacular film, and one that the Horror Genre really needed to pump some life into the lackluster early 2000's. Bloody, tense, engaging, and ultimately disturbing, this one is a must own for anyone who loves Horror flicks..

A+

Haute Tension is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.

Worst romance ever... but at least it had some hot participants.