December 31, 2010

The Horror Hotties of 2010

2010 was not only a bloody good year for Horror films, but it was also a sexy year for Horror Hotties.

There are plenty of hot and sexy ladies that deserve all kinds of love for putting their lives, bodies, and possibly even their very sanity, on the line, all in the name of entertaining us, but these are the ones that caught our eye the most.

We have to draw the line somewhere, you know. If we tried to include them all, we'd do nothing but post pictures of hot chicks all day. Hmmm....

The Girls of ANOES
Love the remake or hate it, you can't deny the beauty of its female stars. Katie Cassidy, Rooney Mara, and Connie Britton classed the movie up (at least a bit) with nothing but their sexy presence, and at least that's one aspect of the movie that no one can argue about.

Our Review of A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010).
Our Horror Hottie post on The Girls of ANOES (2010).

Briana Evigan
Whether running around all sweaty in a tank top while battling a hurricane and a ravenous tiger in Burning Bright, or being held captive by a crazy Mother and her brood in Mother's Day, Briana Evigan looked really good while quickening our pulses. Nice job on the genetics, B.J. McKay.

Our Reviews of Burning Bright and Sorority Row.

Clemence Poesy
We may never get the chance to feature this French stunner as a Horror Hottie ever again, so we're taking the opportunity while we can. Clemence Poesy is one of the hottest women on the planet, ever, and while she may be most famous for her role in Harry Potter, she's a Horror Hottie for stealing our hearts in Heartless. Good lord we pray she does a Horror flick again at some point, because we're selfish like that.

Our Review of Heartless.

Gemma Arterton
Gemma Arterton is another actress who may never grace these pages again, because she's one of those British actresses that fancies herself all serious and what not. At least we will always have her naked performance in the kidnapping-gone-wrong movie, The Disappearance of Alice Creed to remember... and she was all sorts of naked in that one.

Our Review of The Disappearance of Alice Creed.

Haley Bennett
The Hole is a solid little flick that still hasn't seen a proper release as of this post, and that's truly a shame; mainly because Haley Bennett is far too smoking hot to keep on the shelf like that! Alright, it's mostly a shame because it's a good movie, but still, no one puts Haley in a corner! No one!

Our Review of The Hole.

The Girls of The Human Centipede
We have to honor Ashlynn Yennie and Ashley C. Williams with Horror Hottie status, not only because both girls are gorgeous, but because they were sewn to to people's assholes and forced to eat their shit in The Human Centipede. They deserve a crazy amount of credit for going through all of that for the sake of a movie, because we could barely watch them go through it without nearly hurling. Kudos, girls; you're both sexy and brave little troopers. 

Our Review of The Human Centipede.

Jillian Murray
Jillian Murray graced our screens with her sexiness twice in 2010, and while The Graves may not have been the best movie, we rather liked Forget Me Not. Movie quality aside, we can't ignore the quality of her face... and body. Oh, and her acting ability. Can't forget that, either.

Our Reviews of Forget Me Not and The Graves.

Katy Rowe
Spirit Camp was a cheap little Guilty Pleasure of ours, and while Katy Rowe may not be all that famous, good lord that girl is something to look at. She's got it in all the right places, and she'll always be a favorite of ours, even if she didn't get totally naked on screen. Tease.

Our Review of Spirit Camp.
Her Horror Hottie Post.

Loretta Basey
Loretta has starred in one movie, and one movie only, in her career thus far, which is a massive shame, because she's super ridiculously hot. She made Dead Cert a more pleasurable watch, and one can only hope that she'll do more movies in the future. If not, I guess we could just Google pictures of her or something, but that's not really the same thing...

Our Review of Dead Cert.
Her Horror Hottie Post.
Mircea Monroe
Finally we have Mircea Monroe. This girl is a busy little actress whom we loved in Growth, and loved even more in her Supernatural/Ghostfacers appearances. We're sure we'll see her in a bunch of projects down the road, which is a good thing; we always need more mynx-like blondes in the Horror genre.

Our Review of Growth.

December 29, 2010

Review: And Soon the Darkness (2010)

"And soon, the boredom..."
This is the kind of movie that really bums me out to have to dislike. As a fan of both Amber Heard and Karl Urban, it sucks that I have to diss their work here, especially since this movie marks Amber Heard's first gig as a Producer.

After seeing this lame-fest though, it might just be her last. *Who am I kidding, this is Hollywood. No it won't.

The story is more than familiar, it's full of the usual cliches and pitfalls, and a bunch of horrible plot devices are really all that drives it forward. Stay with me here...

Two Super Hot American hot chicks who are hot, go biking through the isolated Argentinian Countryside in search of... who knows. They separate from their briefly mentioned "bike tour" for God knows what reason, and rent a room in some small town, for again, some unknown (and I'm sure, ridiculous) reason.

One of them is a smart, responsible girl, and the other is a loud-mouthed slut. The slut (the poor man's Megan Fox, Odette Yustman) says and does some wild things, insults the locals, and shows poor manners... all of which serves to do nothing but invite a bunch of trouble their way. The chaste good girl (Amber Heard) tries to keep her wild friend under control, but fails.

Then again, she's pretty much an enabler, so...
After a drunken night of danger and debauchery, they miss their early morning bus (to where, we're not certain, since they're on bikes), and they decide to go sunbathe somewhere in the deep, isolated countryside. Alone. Makes perfect sense to us.

Long story short, the two separate, the slut goes missing, and the good girl runs around acting foolish in an effort to find her.

You couldn't just go for a bike ride in Kansas?
From this point on, the movie is just about flimsy characters making poor decision after poor decision, and battling a bunch of cliches along the way; shady locals, even shadier Policia, evil Gringo-hating Latinos, the "is he good or bad" red herring guy... It's a lot like Turistas or The Ruins, but not as good.

One of the things that always drives me insane in these types of movies, are the moronic characters that always seem to do the most moronic things at every frigging turn; screaming when they should shut up, antagonizing creepy locals, leaving friends alone in the rapey forest of a foreign country, making no effort to think things through and be smart about their actions... all plot devices, and all equally frustrating.

That's what you get, dummy!
How can you pull for characters like that? Karl Urban comes off as gimpy in this movie, which is a shame because the guy has played some great roles in some great movies. Amber Heard is hell-and-gone from her awesome work in All the Boys Love Mandy Lane here as well, which is odd to me, because she tends to pick challenging roles that at least push her and make her take chances. As for Odette Yustman... well her best work is still in The Unborn. Yeah.

Don't worry, Argentina isn't crying for you.
For me, this movie is a D, because it's just so frustratingly cliche and pointless. That's not to say that it sucks horribly, or that others won't like it, but honestly it's just totally unremarkable... even though I just remarked a bunch about it, but you know, whatever. It's a nice looking movie, but the substance just isn't there.


At least we got to stare at two hot chicks for a while?

Review: Buried (2010)

"The idea of being buried alive now scares me as much as jumping from a plane does..."
Cast Members of Note- Ryan Reynolds is the only person in the film, though Samantha Mathis and a few others do lend voice support.

All there is to say about the plot of this movie is that Ryan Reynolds is a truck driver in Iraq, and he wakes up to find himself buried in a coffin-like box, in what he assumes is the desert. Alone in the box with only a lighter and cell phone, the entire movie is spent with him making calls to various people, in a desperate attempt to get himself some help.

As the movie progresses, and the plot unravels, it looks more and more like he's screwed.

To say anymore would be giving too much away, and with such a limited array of things that a tightly-plotted film like this has to work with, it's best to leave the details to your eyes for watching.

"Hey hun, it's Scarlett... I want a divorce."
"A guy trapped in a box for 90 minutes" sounds like a tough sell for a movie these days, but then again so did "A girl and her autistic brother trapped in a house during a hurricane with a hungry tiger." I'm happy to say that just like Burning Bright, the story of Buried worked extremely well in its limited confines. *No pun intended. Honest Injun.

This one man-in-a-box show had me tensed up and anxious without ever realizing that I was. At first I thought it to be decent and clever, but as the movie wore on it gripped me hard, eventually getting me so bunged up that I was ready to jump out of my seat and throw a karate kick into the air. You might not believe that such a simple premise can be so effective, but trust me, it is.

Ryan Reynolds does a great job with limited movement or other characters to interact with. It didn't take long for me to forget he was the funny actor, and believe that he was a hopelessly trapped regular guy, desperate to find someone to come help him. This is how you do suspense, folks. Nice job, Rodrigo Cortes.

Method-acting goodness.
The end. I will say no more.

Add caption
**SPOILER ALERT** (Skip this part if you don't want a pretty big plot point ruined for you.) I know this movie made some statements about a few different issues, but the biggest of them all was the way that Big Business throws the little man to the wolves. So a truck driver is ambushed, kidnapped, buried alive and held for "ransom" somewhere in Iraq, and the head of personnel for his company fires him while he's buried alive, to avoid culpability and paying out any type of damages or insurance to his family? There was no "we will get you out of this" or "we will take care of your family, don't worry," only "we're going to make up an excuse to fire you, because we can't be held libel for this shit." Wow. A strong message indeed, and sadly, a very true one.

Sadly, it ends like that for most people.
Ryan Reynolds cuts off a digit, but that's about it.

Nothing to see here, folks.

"Okay, fuck you."

Don't drive trucks in Iraq. Also, your boss most likely hates you.

Also, maybe conserve your oxygen.
If you want to tense up for about 90 minutes and feel true, hopeless despair, then Buried is the movie for you. I have to say that if you're claustrophobic, even mildly, this movie will probably give you a panic attack; I'm not so bad with tight spaces, and I found myself a ball of nerves for nearly the entire running time. Ryan Reynolds in a box for 90 minutes seems like a lame concept, but he and the filmmakers deliver the goods with his one. See Buried asap. If you're so inclined, that is.


Buried is available now on Blu-ray, and VOD.

The voice of Samantha Mathis is in this.

December 28, 2010

Review: Dead Cert (2010)
Cast Members of Note- This movie is filled with a who's who of great British character actors; Jason Flemyng, Dexter Fletcher, Danny Dyer, Steve Berkoff, Craig Fairbrass, Andrew Tiernan.

The story revolves around Freddy "Dead Cert" Frankham and his group of Limey Crimey's, who live their lives happily in a strip club, acting all tough, fighting, drinking, and speaking in dialects that not even other British folk can understand. It's what gangsters in England do, you know. Gangsters and Football Fans. The Football Fans are rougher though. Sorry, Gangsters.

"Are you taking the piss?"
When a mysterious group of other Gangsters make Frankie an offer to buy his strip club, Inferno, he tells 'em to bugger off, and returns to proper Gangstering. They're persistent though, and before long, Frankie ends up losing the club to them, via a not-at-all-fair pit fight. It's not fair a all, because unbeknownst to Frankie and his crew, the other Gangsters are really... Vampires!

And so are their whores!
When some crazy old Van Helsing-like guy shows up with a bunch of stakes and a crucifix's, Frankie says sod it all and decides that he's taking his club back. A bloodbath ensues. Also, betrayal ensues. Also, also, no tits in the strip club ensues. It's all insanity if you ask me.

Can Dead Cert get his club back and rid his town of the shady Vampire menace? Will the Vampires make quick work of their Gangster rivals, and run the strip club with full nudity? Did Guy Ritchie direct this movie? No, he didn't, but it really all feels the same to me.

This scene totally could have been from Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels...
As British Gangster flicks go, this one was not too bad. As Vampire flicks go, this one was not too bad either. It's not an instant genre classic or anything, but Dead Cert merges two fun genres and the end result is pretty enjoyable. It's a pretty straightforward movie with no real twists or fresh bits to add to the Vampire genre, but at least no one sparkled, right?

I mean, not much is slicker than a good Brit Gangster flick, or as bloody fun as a good Vampire flick, so really, bringing the two elements together just makes good sense to us. It's not the first, nor the best of the Gangster/Vampire genre -that honor still goes to 1992's Innocent Blood- but hell, it's a goodie none the less.

Vampire kids are the creepiest.
There needed to be a bit more Vampire action in this movie. It really leans more towards the Gangster side of things, and the Vamp action doesn't really heat up until the third reel. It's a minor complaint, and maybe less is more, but had they made it a little bloodier early on, this movie could have been classically awesome instead of just good.

More scenes like this would have been good.
Gangster flicks often have nudity in them. Vampire flicks often have nudity in them. Movies involving strippers and strip clubs, almost always have nudity in them... so with the three combined, where were the boobs, filmmakers? You, good sirs, have wasted the nudity potential of one Ms. Loretta Basey, and that is simply a crime against humanity! Live with that one on your collective conscience, you thoughtless dicks!

Hottest victim ever.
It's a Vampire flick, so you know the blood is flowing freely in this one. Throw in plenty of bullets on top of the neck biting and staking, and yes, it's a bit heavy in the wet and red department.

Wet, red, and nearly naked.
For a movie that takes place primarily in a strip club, I'm astounded that we get no nudity whatsoever. We get plenty of hot, scantily-clad women, but nary so much as one boob. Boob. That's a funny word.

Even Gangsters and Vampire are polite in England. Also, Craig Fairbrass reminds me a lot of Ray Stevenson, not that it's a bad thing, mind you.

If anyone can beat a vampire with only their fists, it's Craig Fairbass.
Dead Cert is a fun Gangster/Vampire hybrid that does enough right to make the watching enjoyable. If you like your average British Gangster flick, hot chicks, Vampires, and Cockney accents, then this is the movie for you. Also, if you like seeing maybe the hottest woman on the planet (Loretta Basey), then this movie is definitely for you. Leave me be, I have a thing for curvy British girls.

Anywho, check it out if you want a decent way to waste a few hours.


Dead Cert is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

This movie has given us one of the hottest girls ever seen by human eyes, Loretta Basey, and we need to take a closer look at her...