VOD Review: Amityville:The Awakening (2017)

"Well, at least they tried."

We love Amityville flicks around here.

Th original is classic (the 2005 remake wasn't so bad either); part 2 is notable for some disturbing subtext; part 3... well, that was in 3D... and then the rest of the series' 18 installments are mostly trash involving dollhouses, Found Footage, and even a cymbal-banging monkey.

Some of those shitty "sequels" didn't even involve the Amityville house, and yet we've seen them all.

It's been a rough road for we Amityville fans as we've waited and hoped for a decent installment to come along and bring back some glory to the Amityville name... and unfortunately, this is not that movie at all.

It's not a real big mystery as to why this movie has been sitting on the proverbial shelf since 2014.

Belle is a brooding goth teenager who is particularly angsty these days because she was the cause of an accident that left her twin brother in a vegetative state. When her mother moves the family to a new house to be able to better care for her son, it's not long before weird things start to happen, and Belle begins to wonder if something is wrong with the house.

THAT HOUSE IS GOING TO EAT HER.

And of course there is something wrong with the house at 112 Ocean Avenue, because it's the damn Amityville house. The red room is still in the basement, and it's still radiating an evil ghostly presence, and this time the presence has set its sights on the comatose brother as its vessel... or maybe it's mom who's most susceptible to possession?

It doesn't really matter, because this is basically a family drama.

WHERE IS THAT PILLOW-SSNATCHING GHOST WHEN YOU NEED IT?

I'll give Amityville: The Awakening this much: it at least took place in the Amityville house, and the prodcuers did a great job of making it look authentic.

Aside from that though, and the fact that Bella Thorne is one of Hollywood's cutest redheads, and she's pleasant to look at, this movie plays like a Hallmark Channel movie with jump scares, and that's only good news if you're my grandmother.

Things get interesting towards the end, but everything else throughout is exposition, info dumps, and jump scares.

And Bella Thorne looking cute and angsty. I guess that's something.

I honestly wonder if this movie underwent a bunch of re-shoots or cuts, because it's crazy how generic the plot is, and how disposable most of the characters are. With such a notable cast, you'd think that they could have a decent little movie on their hands here, but actors like Jennifer Jason Leigh and Kurtwood Smith are wasted in this one, playing down to the generic, lackluster material.

I did like how the kids watched the actual The Amityville Horror, as that was a neat meta nod.

SHE'S SEEN BETTER ROLES.

Some nasty bed sores and a bit of gun violence are all we get here.

AND A HEAD WOUND. SHE SHOULD PROBABLY GET THAT LOOKED AT.

Not that kind of movie at all, but Bella Thorne looked good creeping around her haunted house in some boy shorts.

IF YOU NOTICE THAT BELLA IS PEELING WALLPAPER IN THIS PICTURE, THEN YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT OF THE SCENE.

As uninspiring and bland as Awakening is, it's still one of the best in the series behind Amityville 3-D... or maybe it's slightly ahead of that one, depending on how you feel about early 80's 3-D.

In any event, this is streaming for free right now, so if you're bored, are fan of Bella Thorne, or just have a deep-seeded need to see every Amityville flick that comes out like we do, you might as well give it a go.

D+

Amityville: The Awakening is streaming for free on Google Play.

Bella Thorne is the queen of long-delayed Horror movies: Amityville, The Babysitter, and Keep Watching are all finally seeing release this fall, after having been on the shelf for the past year or two. 

VOD Review: Hell House LLC. (2016)

"This is cinema verite done properly. "

The Found Footage/POV/Hand-Held/First Person sub-genre is a derisive one at best. FF flicks can be intense and terrifying, making you feel like you're actually watching real footage of real people being stalked, haunted, etc... and those are the good ones.

Found Footage flicks can also be cheap, shoddy, predictable, and overly-familiar, which basically renders them useless as far as scares go. Those are the bad ones.

I'm happy to say that Hell House LLC. falls on the good side of that divide, and even more so, is one of the best Found Footage flicks that we've seen in recent memory.

On October 8th, 2009 in Abbadon, New York, new a new haunted house called Hell House opened its doors to the public. People were lining up to be scared, and the place was packed. In the middle of the very first tour, something went very wrong in the basement, which resulted in 15 people dying. The local Police kept it all hush-hush, and to this day, no one really knows what went wrong inside of Hell House.

WHERE THE HELL IS HE GOING?

Five years later, Documentary filmmaker Diana Graves sets out to uncover the truth behind what happened at Hell House that fateful night. Interviewing journalists and witnesses who all had interest or connection to the incident, she catches her biggest break when the lone survivor of the Hell House crew, Sara, shows up with a bag of video tapes in hand, hoping to set the record straight.

SHE USED TO BE HAPPIER...

The tapes contain footage of the Hell House crew in the weeks leading up to opening night, with the five crew members doing their best to make the place as creepy as possible. Of course, the tapes also show a series of disturbing and prophetic events that point to there being something wrong with the place.

Demonic shenanigans ensue.

NOPE.

This was a damn scary movie.

Honestly, it's a rare movie that gives me the willies these days to the point where I don't want to hang my feet off of the edge of the bed when I'm trying to go to sleep, but I'll be damned if this one didn't get to that point. This is a movie that uses subtlety to achieve its scares and cultivate its atmosphere, and it does so very well.If you don't like clowns, you're probably going to have a tough time during this one.

Hell House LLC. played a lot like 2011's excellent, The Tunnel (review HERE), in that it felt like a real Doc for a lot of its running time, and the way that it unfolded pulled us in immediately. The cast deserves a lot of credit for that, as they all did great work playing "real" people here. This movie may not bring anything new to the FF sub-genre, but what it does bring, it brings in a realistic, believable way.

I do have to say that the ending wasn't as good as the build up, and it kind of left us wanting. The actions of the characters in the final moments seemed silly to me, because who in their right mind would do something so stupid? Then again, Horror is a genre built on the stupid actions of stupid characters, so I digress.

CHILLS, MAN. CHILLS.

There's some gore to be had here, but it's minimal.

GET CLOSER. THEY WON'T BITE.

Aside from Ryan Jennifer looking good in some panties, and a half-naked haunt actress, this is a skin-free affair.

GOD BLESS THAT GIRL.

Hell House LLC. impressed us far more than any Found Footage flick has done in forever. It's not without its flaws, but the bottom line is that it's well-made, believable (mostly), and above all else, it's genuinely scary.

This is a perfect flick to explore during the Halloween Season... and then maybe go to a haunted house after wards. If you dare.

B+

Hell House LLC. is available now on VOD.

The haunting honeys of Hell House LLC.

VOD Review: The Houses October Built 2 (2017)

"Cool haunted houses, but everything else is pure aggravation."

We really loved The Houses October Built (review HERE.) It wasn't a perfect movie, but it had a great premise, some creepy locations, and Blue Skeleton felt terrifyingly real. It captured the Halloween spirit well, and it made for a good October watch.

With this sequel though, the events of the first movie are rendered obsolete, and any promise of any sort of chills or thrills are thrown out the window, because we were cheated once, so chances are that we're about to be cheated again.

What a shame too, because this series had some solid franchise potential.


*There will be spoilers below, so proceed with caution.

It's been a year since our gang of five friends drove across America to find the best, most extreme Haunted House that they could. That little excursion ended with them being stalked by a mysterious group called Blue Skeleton, who killed four of them, and buried the fifth, Brandy, alive. But wait... it turns out that everything the friends experienced was part of the most extreme haunt of all time, and they're all still alive.

THIS ISN'T EVEN REAL.

A year later Brandy lives in a secluded spot, still traumatized by the events of her Blue Skeleton run-in. The rest of her pals have gained a bunch of Internet fame, and have decided to once again hit the road to find the country's most extreme haunts, and milk their half-assed fame for every penny that they can. Since the guys are all tools, it's really Brandy that the world wants to see, but she refuses to go with them, because she's frigging traumatized.

YOUR FRIENDS ARE TOOLS, DITCH THEM.

She eventually gives in and decides to go with them (she likes money too), and they head off on a new adventure, recording everything they do. Blue Skeleton is also recording everything they do, because it's apparent that the creepy gang wants another go at them. This time though, there are twists and turns coming that no one could possibly ever imagine.

Unless you watch the movie for like 20 minutes, then you'll get what's going on. 

LOOKS LIKE FUN.

This sequel is basically the same movie as the first one, only devoid of any legitimate scares. It's Longer, and it has some plot twists that differ from the first one, but it's basically the same exact movie. Oh, and the characters are less likable too. And there are NO SCARES.

The thing that I don't get about this movie is that it opens with the events of the first movie being an elaborate Haunted House experience in which nobody dies, which pretty much negates the power of the whole thing. How are you expecting an audience to buy into the "scary" aspects of a sequel, when the first movie pulled the wool over your eyes like that?

Even worse, they do the same thing again here, only in a far more elaborate and silly way. Are we really supposed to believe that a girl who was so traumatized searching for the most extreme haunt in the country is going to go on that same search the very next year, because her asshole friends want to go viral and make some money? And when the end arrives, and we finally see whether things are real or not this time, or part of another immersive, extreme haunt experience, we're treated to a silly twist followed by another head-scratching twist that actually pissed us off.

As good and different as the first one was, this is how you follow it up? How are we supposed to feel scared when we know that the whole thing is a haunted house gag?

RIGHT.

There are a few bloody bits towards the end, but aside from some cool effects at some of the visited haunts, this one is relatively dry.

BABYDOLL IS STILL PRETTY COOL THOUGH.

Not that kind of movie, although some of the actors at one of the haunts was kinda naked.

US TOO, HONEY. US TOO.

If you like the real-life haunt footage of the first one, then you'll most likely dig this one too. Unless of course the fact that none of the characters died in the first one irks you, then this sequel will irk you even more, because it follows the same path, with a few different turns.

As for us, we're just going to pretend the first one was the end of the whole mess, and call it a day.

D+

The Houses October Built 2 is available now on VOD.

Brandy Schaefer is the focus of these movies, and deservedly so.