VOD Review: Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies (2017)

"Nein."

The title Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies gives you the impression that some wacky, flesh-eating hi-jinks are in store, and that you're probably going to be in for a stupid good time.

Or so you'd think.

We really thought that we'd be getting something along the lines of the Dead Snow flicks with this one; you know, some clever lines, some inappropriate humor, plenty of awesome gore... but alas, this snowy Euro zombie flick is no Dead Snow.

Not even close.

Steve is a cocky snowboarder who doesn't want to grow up, no matter how many times his crazy-hot girlfriend, Branka, tells him that he needs to. He's scheduled to meet a fan on a remote mountaintop for a photo op, and he decides that he's going to not only jump from a helicopter and board down the mountain to meet them, but that he's going to do so naked... which turns out to to be the worst idea ever, because his super fan is a 9-year-old girl.

YEAH. YOUR BOYFRIEND SCARRED THAT POOR GIRL FOR LIFE.

Not only does his little stunt lose his team their sponsor, but furious at his immaturity, Branka dumps him. They're also told to leave the mountain, which proves to be impossible, because someone takes off with their helicopter, leaving them stranded. At least there's a Biergarten nearby where they can drink and dance.

IF SHE FLEW THEM THERE, THEN WHO MADE OFF WITH THEIR HELICOPTER?

There's also the matter of a local entrepreneur who is trying to fight global warming with a machine that makes neon green sludge (?!?), which ends up popping a leak, spraying a guy in the face, and turning him into a zombie who loves to dance to shitty music. Of course, the dance fever zombie ends up infecting nearly everyone else on the mountaintop, which leaves our bumbling snowboarding crew to fight for their lives... using their snowboards.

THE DANCE SCENE.

Where we expected this movie to be funny, most of its jokes ended up feeling forced and only mildly amusing at times to us. I mean, I guess some people will get a wacky kick out of two snowboarders doing stunts that decapitate and eviscerate the living dead that are trying to kill them, but all I could do was shake my head and ask "why?" during it all.

There are also no zombies wearing lederhosen in this movie, which was a bummer.

I liked the cast, especially the super cute Gabriela Marcinková. That's something, I guess.

Look, this is a valiant little effort that just isn't particularly funny or even remotely scary. If this movie had come out, say, 15 years ago, and we hadn't seen the same thing done better so many times over that same span, it would have probably amused us more. It had its moments, but it had plenty of swings and misses as well.

THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH OUR REACTION TO THIS MOVIE.

There are plenty of fun gore gags to be had once the zombie action kicks in towards the end of the movie. Of course, most of them are fairly tongue-in-cheek, but hey, at least it's gore. 

SNOWBOARD CARNAGE.

You'd think an Austrian Horror flick would have some gratuitous nudity on display, what with Europe being more progressive when it comes to that kind of thing and all, but nein, no naked Mädchen to be seen here.

SWISS MISS HAS HAD A ROUGH LIFE.

This is a movie that plenty of people are going to have fun with, but it just didn't work for us like we had hoped that it would. It was a decent-enough diversion though, so don't let us stop you from checking it out... just know that it's more cheesy than it is funny.

C-

Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies is available now on VOD.

Gabriela Marcinková is one Czech beauty who we need to see more of.

Review: Goodnight Mommy (2015)

It's been a long time since we saw a move that gave us the willies as much this one did. The first two acts of Goodnight Mommy were about as unnerving as a movie can get, and it absolutely skeeved us out.

We're not sure what it is about European Horror movies, but man do they ever do atmosphere and tension better than anyone else, and they always have; we're talking all the way back to the heydays of Argento, Fulci, and the like.

Of course the third act of this movie, and its almost obligatory twist, kinda killed it for us, but hey, at least it got it mostly right. Maybe we're just picky.

*It's going to be hard to talk about Goodnight Mommy without spoiling the mysteries of the movie, and especially the twist that comes towards the end. So we're going to keep it as vague and simple as we can.

After having facial reconstruction surgery, Mother returns to her secluded country home where her twin sons, Elias and Lukas, are anxiously waiting for her. Who was watching the kids when she was gone? Apparently no one. They were just kind of running wild, hanging out, and missing their Mom. Maybe that's how things work in Austria.

EVEN IF THEY'RE COMPLETELY INNOCENT, WE NEVER TRUST TWINS IN HORROR MOVIES. NEVER.

Since Mother has to rest and recuperate after her ordeal, she as some rules for the boys: no light in the house; no noise; no playing inside; and no cats. She's also become a bit of a raging bitch since her return, especially to Lukas (who apparently did something to piss her off), and so every day, the boys become increasingly suspicious of their Mother; after all, she was always kind and loving before. They eventually convince themselves that there's someone else behind those bandages, like an alien or something.

"COME GIVE NEW MOMMY A KISS."

Growing ever fearful of their "Mommy", Lukas and Elias set out to discover what is wrong with her, or if she is even their Mother at all. This includes making weapons with which to kill her, should the need ever arise. Which it just might.

Extreme creepiness ensues.

LIKE SHE'S NOT GOING TO SEE YOU STANDING THERE?

Goodnight Mommy is one terrifying little movie. The level of suspense that this one achieved had us on the edge of our seats, chewing our nails, and fearing for the lives of the kids from the get-go. We spent most of the movie wondering what in the hell was up with the Mother, and that mystery completely engrossed us like few other movies have been able to in recent memory. It dripped atmosphere, and that atmosphere was impending doom.

On a technical level, Goodnight Mommy is nearly perfect. From the way that they shot the gorgeous, isolated location, to the camera work inside of the house, this movie is about about as well-made as it gets. Euro-Horror flicks like this tend to go (or try to go) the artistic route more often than not, and we love them for it. They also push harder into uncomfortable territory than most of their American counterparts do, which makes us love them even more.

KIDS: THEY'RE WHAT'S FOR DINNER.

As far as that pushing goes, Goodnight Mommy is definitely more of a Psychological Horror effort for the most part, though towards the end, it does devolve a bit into Torture Porn-ish territory. The Mother also looked unsettling as hell in those bandages, and her odd behavior only served to make her come off like an anxious, hungry monster who was waiting for the perfect time to feed. On her children. Genuinely creepy stuff.

MAYBE THIS SCENE DID MAKE US SHIVER. SO WHAT?

On the negative side of things, the one issue that we had with Goodnight Mommy was its third act; after rather a big reveal, the movie totally switched gears, and we're really not sure if it was for the better or not. We liked the way that the movie started, and loved the way that it progressed, making us wonder what exactly was going on... and then it dropped the boom on us, and became something entirely different. We honestly wish that the "twist" had never happened, and that the movie had followed the course that we had originally thought it was on.

And as far as that twist goes... We figured it out a bit before the movie itself revealed it, but to be honest, we probably should have caught it way earlier. Thinking back on it, it was pretty obvious. We must have been overly-tired or something.

THAT IS NOT THE FIRST THING THAT YOU WANT TO SEE WHEN YOU WAKE UP. 

Never trust your Mother, because she wants to kill you. Also, never trust your kids, for pretty much the same reason.

ALSO, EYE VIOLENCE IS NEVER ENTERTAINING.

Even with the twist that we didn't especially love, Goodnight Mommy is one of the best, pure Horror  movies that we've seen this year. It was so intense at times that it almost became unbearable. We're not trying to over-sell it or anything, but when it was on point, this movie absolutely delivered the suspense and tension.

If it hits a theater near you this Friday, you should definitely grab yourselves a ticket.

B+

Goodnight Mommy will be in Limited Theatrical release on September 11th. *We were under the impression that the movie would be receiving a simultaneous VOD release on the 11th as well, but that looks like it's not the case. If it does shows up on VOD though, we'll let you know.

Susanne Wuest looks pretty good without all of those creepy bandages on her face.

VOD Review: Blood Glacier (2014)

Let's get two things straight right off the bat here:

1- People can compare Blood Glacier to John Carpenter's 1982 classic The Thing all they want to, but this movie is in no way even close to that same level of quality. Both are set in deserted, remote, and snowy locales; and both involve hostile organisms inhabiting hosts and mutating them. That is where the similarities end.

2- The English language dub of this movie was so bad that it was comical at times. Like Bad Movie comical. Blood Glacier is a perfect example of why Foreign films should be seen in their native language, with appropriate subtitles.

All of that said, for being a movie that was reportedly made on a very tiny budget (Euro's? Schillings?), Blood Glacier was a lot of mindless fun.

Blood Glacier aka Blutgletscher aka The Station, is the story of how climate change is slowly destroying our world, and subsequently spawning Blood Glaciers that are out to mutate our genetics and kill us.

Deep in the Austrian Alps, a misfit band of scientists discover a glacier that is made of blood. Everyone thinks this is a great discovery save for Janek, who is more interested in drinking and being all moody. When Janek's dog, Tinnie, wanders his dumb ass into the glacier and is attacked by something which everyone assumes is a rabid fox, it becomes apparent that something is amiss with their wonderful new discovery. From this point forward, the words "rabid" and "fox" are used around 436 times throughout the film.

The shittiest drawing of a fox shitting out a croissant, ever.

As the scientists try to figure out what in the hell is going on with the bleeding ice and rabid foxes, a group of journalists are escorting Santa Claus and his wife to the remote encampment. This group is lead (of course) by Janek's ex-girlfriend, who abandoned he and Tinnie months ago, and killed his baby (Janek's, not Tinnie's. We think.) Meanwhile, the Blood Glacier disappears, and Janek pisses on a giant mutated bug, which either kills it or renders it inert. *At this point, we paused the movie and did 14 shots of whiskey, because there was no way we were watching the rest of this crazy mess sober.

Santa can't believe that Mrs. Claus is drunk... again.

A girl in a skimpy top and shorts comes running out of nowhere, being chased by a mutant pigeon or something, and ends up getting herself stung in the leg. Why she's jogging through the Austrian Alps wearing next to nothing is beyond us, because we assumed that anywhere there's a (blood) glacier, it would be cold as hell. Maybe that's because of global warming too... Anywho, the group lead by Janek's ex finds the injured girl, and takes her to the research station. Then a retarded Ibex attacks, the old woman flips her shit and starts attacking things with a giant drill, a guy's neck explodes into a shower of flying insects, and poor Tinnie becomes a mother, even though he' a boy.

We're not really sure what in the hell we just watched.

"Boy, what is it? Have you crazy?"

There are some really good moments throughout Blood Glacier; some are funny, some are creepy, and some made us think "where the hell did they come up with this shit?" As schlocky as Blood Glacier's mutated beasts looked at times, they also managed to feel fairly threatening and ominous (The mutant Ibex was a thing of twisted beauty.) The movie also boasts a good level of practical FX and gore that was fun and entertaining for the most part.

This is a movie that was made on the cheap, and definitely makes the most out of its limited resources. The gorgeous Austrian Alps locales helped a lot in that department.

Oh yeah, and the dog in this movie, Tinnie (credited as Santos on IMDB) is gorgeous. He was also the best actor of the bunch as well. Don't believe us? He's credited 4th in the cast list. We are not even kidding.

"Oh God, I can see forever!"

***BEWARE ENDING SPOILERS***
The ending made us shake our heads. The pure silliness of it, especially in relation to the whole "abortion" discussion earlier in the film, just made no sense. I mean how did the dog "give birth" to a mutant humanoid? We imagine that Tinnie licking Janek's hand while infected had something to do with it, but come on. And as scientists, do they think that bringing the mutant baby back to civilization is a wise move? What, are they actually going to raise it as their own?

There's really no way that this ending was meant to be taken seriously, and if it was, then whoever conceived of such a thing should stop conceiving of things going forward.
***BEWARE ENDING SPOILERS***

I guess holding his beard makes her feel safer in the presence of the Blood Glacier?

The English language dub in this movie is really, really bad, and we're pretty sure that most people who see it will think that it's supposed to be a Horror Comedy, when it absolutely is not. At one point, the voice acting reminded us a lot of Team America: World Police a movie that is hilarious and brilliant, and obviously played campy and for laughs. This movie is played straight, but felt like a parody at times because of the voice acting.

Yes, the voice acting in this movie horrified us this much.

Blood Glacier boasts some fun, if not fantastic, practical effects. A bunch of nasty gross-out moments mixed in with some mongoloid Muppet-like monsters make this movie fun on a "B-Movie of the 1950's" level. 

"Hi!"

Nope.

Take your cheesy pick:

"Boy, what is it? Have you crazy?"
"I have to find out whats wrong with my glacier!"
"No, it stinks of science history!"
"Stop eating that banana while you're crying!" *Best line of the movie.
"It's one less person to fart holes into the climate!"

That old lady and her shenanigans were the best part of the movie.

On a base level, this movie was enjoyable enough. If you can get past the horrible dialogue and dubbing, the cheesy mutant animal effects, and the plot points that are either ham-fisted or ridiculous, then you may just appreciate what's left on a purely B-Movie level. The best way to watch Blood Glacier is with lowered expectations, a gang of friends, and a case or two of beer. Or weed. Weed would probably work wonders here too.

Blood Glacier is available now on VOD.

C

Edita Malovcic, Adina Vetter and Coco Huemer made Blood Glacier a prettier film.