Shudder Review: Found Footage 3D (2017)

"A breath of fresh, different air."

The Horror world is filled with endless amounts of cheap, non-sensical Found Footage flicks where people inexplicably film horrific events so that someone can come along later and find the footage, and try to figure out what happened to them.

That usually involves a lot of shaky, grainy, blurred action that really sucks to sit through, and it's gotten pretty old.

Every now and then though, the tired sub-genre gives us a movie that transcends it shitty norm and delivers a smart, funny, and interesting story that makes us smile.

This is one such movie.

Derek and his small cast and crew are making a Found Footage flick called Spectre of Death. This one is going to stand out from the pack by being the first ever 3D Found Footage flick, even though that makes absolutely no sense. But it kinda does, given that this movie is meta like that.

The struggles of Indie filmmaking are front and center here, but the real fun begins when an evil shadow starts showing up in the footage, and begin messing with Amy, stalking her while she sleeps and clawing her arm.

THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER TAKE OFF INTO THE WOODS WITH A GUY YOU JUST MET AT A PARTY.

The producers of this movie know exactly how frustrating the average FF flick can be, and so it's a tiny stroke of genius that they went the meta route with Found Footage 3D, and did their best to decry their peers at every turn. Characters are constantly commenting on how stupid certain elements of their film are, or how things make no sense, and it made for a fun and humorous watch.

Of course, the movie ends up doing all of the things that it makes fun of other FF flicks for doing, but what can you do, it's a FF flick after all. It knows that the whole conceit is silly, but it still has to go there, because that's what it's made to do. 

Things actually get more Horror-oriented towards the end, where the vibe switches from fun to shocking, as the entity makes its move, and tears through the cast and crew. Aside from the part where the idiot driving the getaway van refused to watch the road while he was driving at breakneck speed, the third act was pretty cool. 

CREEPY PLACE, TOO BAD WE CAN'T STAY.

Things get bloody towards the end.

RUN, LIKE THAT WILL HELP.

There's a sex scene, but nothing too graphic.

THERE'S NOTHING QUITE LIKE A BLOODY TANK TOP, IS THERE?

At the very least, Found Footage 3D acknowledges the sub-genre's faults, and manages to entertain on a humorously meta level, while delivering some good old fashioned Horror at the same time. I have to give it credit for going a different route and making itself relevant in its own special way.

If you have Shudder, there's no reason for you not to give this one a go.

B

The 2D version of Found Footage 3D is streaming now, exclusively on Shudder. The 3D version hits the streaming service on October 26th.

The girls of Found Footage 3D.

Giallo Month Review: A Blade in the Dark (1983)

"Lamberto, the ther Bava, makes his Giallo mark."

*This review is a re-post of one we did back in 2008.

"NO MOTHER, I DON'T RESENT YOU AT ALL."

Break this movie down? Riiiight. Like anyone on the planet can just "tell you" what an Italian Horror flick from the late 70's/early 80's is actually about? Well guess what? They can't! Why do men from Tennessee often circumcise themselves by rubbing their peckers against rusty barbed wire fences? Can you tell me that? Oh, but that's different, right? You're all sheep.

Anywho... Our little Giallo story begins with three kids throwing a ball down a creepy staircase into a dark cellar; one of them is transgendered, and the other two nearly gay bash the poor kid to death. The kid runs for his life into the basement, only to be gay bashed to death for real this time, by the creepy killer in the cellar. At least Mr. Murder gives the other two their ball back.

LIVE YOUR LIFE, FABRIZIO. WE WON'T JUDGE YOU.

We next meet Bruno, the slow-witted composer who just moved into a posh countryside villa to finish work on his latest movie score. He soon begins to hear noises around the house and decides to investigate; unfortunately for him, he is hindered by some "slow motion" disease that he got from a hooker in Barcelona. A few hours later, he finally makes it out of the room, and (slowly) heads downstairs to the biggest basement ever made. He saves a girl, Katia, from a Scroach (that's a spider-roach hybrid, for those of you who haven't been to Europe), and then she asks him for a cigarette.

Not bothering to ask her what the hell she was doing in his basement, he eventually forgets that she's there, and begins composing his new masterpiece. For the record, his big accomplishment in this movie is finishing the first line in one song during his entire stay; he plays the same 10 notes over, and over, and over again, which I'm guessing is what drove the killer in this movie to go insane and start offing people. Katia pays for his lack of any sort of enthusiasm or sense of urgency, with her life.

IS THERE A SIGN ON THE DOOR THAT SAYS 'PLEASE RANDOMLY COME IN' ?"

Within ten minutes of all of this happening, another chick randomly pops up in the house, and this time Bruno actually gets laid. The next morning, he kicks her out because he is very busy working on the opening line of his song, but is dismayed to find yet another young, sex-starved girl show up randomly, only this time in the yard, not in the house. He lets her swim and shower, and then she too is killed. What exactly goes on in Italy?

With all of the disappearances, some odd phone calls, a slashed nudie picture, and finding the Master Tape of his half-assed song destroyed, he begins to wonder if something strange is going on. Again, he's slow. Far be it from me to spoil what happens for you here, but suffice it to say that more people die, and Bruno never even finishes one half of that frigging song.

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, BRUNO, CAN YOU PLAY MORE THAN 10 NOTES?!?

Lamberto Bava is the man. Like his father before him (we love you Mario Bava!), the guy knows how to craft himself one effective Giallo; A Blade in the Dark is tense, atmospheric, bloody, creepy, confusing and poorly dubbed... in short, it's a blood-soaked treat for us all. I can see how some people would look at a movie like this and instantly see a cheesy, dated mess, because that's pretty much what it is, but then those are the type of Horror fans who pay to see remakes of The Hitcher and Shutter, and actually enjoy watching them. *Yes, I'm an elitist prick. You should join me, because it's really nice up here on my "I'm always right" cloud.

There's so much craziness at work in a movie like this, that it satisfies on many different levels, despite its shortcomings. Italian Horror movies of old are all about atmosphere, excessive violence, sleaze, and tension... which are all things that they tend to pull off very well. Unfortunately, the price we pay for enjoying those great aspects, is that these movies usually severely lack in the way of coherence and sense. It's worth every minute though. Honestly.

DON'T RUN OR ANYTHING...

Can you please tell me just how stupid a guy has to be to find a bunch of random chicks roaming around his house, and say nothing more than "Hey, how are you!" to them? That's not being very safety-minded. Not at all. Also, let me make one thing crystal clear here: If ever I find three hot, clueless bimbos sneaking around my house, they're all getting the "Old Hucklebuck." Period. That's the price you pay for invading my sanctum, ladies.

SHE KNOWS WHAT THE OLD HUCKLEBUCK IS. SHE KNOWS.

Cross dressing children... when will it end?

WELL, I SUPPOSE IT ENDS WITH CROSS-DRESSING ADULTS?

Plenty o' gore to be had here, mostly in the form of multiple slashings and stabbings. Stay classy Italy, we love you!

SHE HAD IT COMING.

A pair of late 70's style A-Cup boobies... and that's it.

"It's not a spider, it's a cockroach!" aka Scroach.

Scroaches do exist. Also, if you rent a villa in Europe, random slutty chicks will just show up and hang out with you.

SHE'LL NEVER TRESPASS AGAIN.

For its time and for what it was, A Blade in the Dark is a solid flick. You just can't beat a good old fashioned Giallo flick for entertainment value. I'd recommend renting it before buying though, as it may not be everyone's cup of tea.

B

A Blade in the Dark is available now on DVD and VOD.

The ever-lovely Lara Naszinsky is in this.

Giallo Month Review: The Red Queen Kills Seven Times (1972)

"Giallo, Gothic style."

Now here's a Giallo that gives us plenty of the things that made the sub-genre so brilliant back in the day while adding a decidedly Gothic bent to the proceedings, making it a bit of a unique effort. It also throws in a bit of supernatural mystery which makes it even more compelling.

It's really too bad that director Emilio Miraglia only made two Giallo movies in his very short career -this one, and the equally compelling The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave- because they guy had a knack for it.

Odd how both movies center around a girl named Evelyn too...

We begin with young Kitty Wildenbruck innocently playing with her doll when her sister Evelyn steals it and runs off. They end up in their grandfathers study, where Evelyn becomes possessed by a painting, and proceeds to repeatedly stab the doll and ripping it's head off. Then Kitty loses her shit and starts to beat her sister's ass, which prompts Evelyn to reach for the knife to stab her like she did the doll, until grandpa does the rollover with his wheelchair and breaks the two up. Keep in mind that these are 8 year old girls.

WHAT A LITTLE JOY SHE IS.

He then explains to them that the Wildenbruck family has been cursed for centuries by the legend of the Red and Black Queens. They were sisters who hated each other with a passion, so when The Red Queen fell in love and married, The Black Queen would have none of that shit, and stabbed her to death, seven times (seven stabs, because you can't really stab someone to death seven separate times.) Because of this, every hundred years, The Red Queen returns to take her revenge by killing seven people in the family, because this is Italian Horror, and why not?

TO GET THE GIRLS TO STOP TRYING TO KILL ONE ANOTHER, GRANDPAPPY TELLS THEM A TERRIFYING STORY ABUT TWO SISTERS WHO HATED EACH OTHER SO MUCH THAT IT DROVE THEM TO MURDER.

14 years later, Kitty has grown up to be a foxy scoop of gelato who is also a successful photographer. After a mysterious woman in red gives her Grandpa a heart attack, memories of Evelyn and the whole Red Queen thing comes flooding back to her... in the form of people dying all around her.

ITALIAN FOREPLAY.

There's a lot more to the plot that I don't want to spoil for you here, but suffice it to say that the Wildenbruck family has issues, Kitty's boyfriend is a sleazy playboy who bangs just about every woman in the movie, and there's a greasy raper skulking around who wants lots of money and some of Kitty's kitty.

Giallo goodness ensues.

THE RED QUEEN, IN MID-KILL.

A Giallo with a Gorhic Horror flair, TRQK7T is a solid entry into the Gialli pantheon. It's not as heavy on the sexuality as many other films of its kind are, and it wasn't quite as gory as we'd imagined it would be, but overall, this is a pretty enjoyable movie that dazzles with its gorgeous locales, striking cinematography, and the type of atmosphere that Italian Horror flicks from the days of yore could deliver like no other. The score is a standout too.

As per usual for a Giallo, the film's plot is confusing and changes gears in odd ways throughout its overly-convoluted narrative, and will make you say "what the hell?" more than a few times... but that's the beauty of the Giallo, isn't it? Part of the sub-genre's genuine charm comes from the silly plots, overacting, and crazy shit that they offer up in an absolutely serious way.

And can we take a second to acknowledge that not only is Barbara Bouchet smoking hot, but she has genuine talent that would have made her a superstar had she gone the Hollywood route. Good lord is she sexy, and those eyes... expressive on a level all their own.

ONE OF THE GREATS.

I don't know which is harder to accept: the fact that she's wearing that hat un-ironically, or the fact that the massive white box on the table that looks like a computer is an answering machine.

LIFE IN THE 70'S WAS ROUGH.

10% less convoluted plot and 20% more exploitational visuals would have made this Giallo top-tier.

MORE OF THIS. ALWAYS MORE OF THIS.

As per usual with Giallo movies, this one was full of some weird shit.

• That bats that flapped around people's head without anyone seeing to notice.
• The random rape scene that happens out of nowhere, cuts away quick, returns to find a distraught Barbara Bouchet in hysterics in a bloodied (WTF?) room, and then is completely forgotten about in short order as things go right back to normal.
• And where was the third sister, Franziska when they were kids? She's not in the flashback, but she shows up in present day like she's been there the whole time. And for that matter, where are the girls' parents? They're nowhere to be seen, so if the third sister came later, who did she come from?

WHERE THE HELL DID SHE EVEN COME FROM?

This one delivers the goods, with an impressive impaling, the van scene, a car drag, and a head being bashed against some rocks are standout moments.

THIS IS WHY GIRLS SHOULD AVOID GOING ANYWHERE NEAR VANS.

Sybil Danning (who we didn't even recognize) gets naked in this one, and Barbara Bouchet suffers a sexual attack that leaves her naked and afraid.

DON'T WORRY, SHE'LL BE OVER THIS IN LIKE 2O MINUTES.

Gialli are so wonderful to experience because they're stylish as hell, they tend to offer up plenty of gore and tawdry sexuality, and they have atmosphere to spare. TRQK7T is one of the better offerings in the sub-genre, giving us a great heroine to root for, some cool deaths, and some truly "out there" moments to savor.

It's not exactly top-tier, but add this one to your list.

B

The Red Queen Kills Seven Times is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD. It's on Shudder as well.

The incomparable Barbara Bouchet; a very young Sybil Danning; and the lovely Marina Malfatti, who passed away in 2016.