January 31, 2009

Solo Review: Pieces (1982)

"What a beautiful piece of bad movie work this one is. "

Sub-Genre- Slasher.
Cast Members of Note- The awesome Christopher George, and his wife Linda Day George.

Singing Humpty Dumpty while putting together a jigsaw puzzle... isn't that every young boy's idea of fun? Wasn't it yours? No, it wasn't mine either, so I'm glad this annoying little kid's puzzle is a picture of a nude chick, which at least makes the whole thing a little less lame. Of course when his mom catches him whacking off to his dirty puzzle, she proceeds to smack him and call him filthy and stupid, and in turn he kills her and saws her into Pieces. Bitch had it coming!

Whore puzzle.
Flash forward 40 years -that's right, 40 frigging years- and everyone has pretty much died from old age; except the creepy puzzle kid who's all grown up now, and is even more creepy. He tricked the Cops back then, making them think he was attacked by someone who killed his mom, because he was a really clever boy. Luckily for him, there are still plenty of other whores for him to cut up; aerobicizing, leg warmer-wearing, perky-boobed, 80's hairdo-wearing whores!

"I told you not to Jazzercise, bitch!"
He stalks exercise classes, skulks around pools, peeps on tennis matches... his heavy-breathing ass will go anywhere to collect the "whore pieces" he needs for his very own real life "whore puzzle." Lt. Bracken is hot on his trail though, so good lucky with that, creepy guy. Far be it from me to spoil the ending for you here, but suffice it to say that it will make you say "WTF?!?" Out loud. Twice.

What's in the bag? Pieces.
This movie is pure 80's Exploitation Horror bliss. There's a part of me that wants to call this one a Giallo flick; After all it's got a a black-gloved killer, crazy music, excessive gore, bad English dubbing, horrid acting, a nonsensical plot... aw hell, it is Giallo! In a way it really does fit that mold, as the best thing about Pieces is its copious amounts of gore and violence. And nudity. And lack of sense.

It's a hell of a watch for Slasher fans, especially those who have good senses of humor.

This is the 2nd to last film that great Christopher George made before his death in 1983. The man was awesome, starring in such genre greats as Pieces, Mortuary, Graduation Day, The Exterminator, Enter the Ninja, and one of my personal faves, The Gates of Hell. We truly do love and miss that guy, and the coolness that he brought to each of his roles.

Christopher George was certainly a head of his time. Zing!
So much of this movie is bad: from the silly dubbing to the actions of the characters, to the plot that makes the whole thing funnier than it was meant to be. The Cops at the beginning may be the worst Cops ever, the students act and talk like they're semi-retarded, and everyone else just seems to be in this general malaise even with such heinous murders going on around them... I know it's 80's Italian/Spanish Horror Cinema, but man, we laughed out loud in places where we shouldn't have.

This kid REALLY loves his porn.
The ending. In the last 5 minutes of this movie, we're treated to the all-too-familiar baffling, slow-motion, makes-zero-sense-whatsoever, climax. It's par for the course as far as old school Euro Horror flicks go, but Jesus is it frustrating sometimes.

Wait... what?!?
Pieces is full of tons of good old fashioned 80's gore galore! Axe violence, saw violence, chainsaw violence, decapitations, piles of body parts... this one is full-o'-gore, and is absolutely shameless about showing it.

You gotta love it.
A nude chick on a puzzle, a nude chick swimming, a topless chick in bed, chicks in leotards, a Hottie taking a soapy shower... and some naked man ass. So, plenty of skin for you pervs to dig on.

Censored: for your un-pleasure.
"The killer is someone that is either on or near the campus" or "I'll send you a box of lollipops."

Euro Horror from the 80's is lots and lots of fun. Also, Euro Horror from the 80's seldom makes any sort of coherent sense at all.

No sense AT ALL!

Pieces is a trashy, fun, bloody, exploitational mess of a Horror flick... but it's also a pretty bad movie in general terms... which makes it even better. I say see it for the blood and gore, and have fun with it. Beware the cheese factor though.


Pieces is available on Blu-ray and DVD now.


Christopher George was a Horror movie pimp... and he was from our neighborhood! *Detroit, represent.

Rest in peace, good sir.

January 30, 2009

DVD Review: Haute Tension (2003)

Sub-Genre- Slasher/French Horror
In Attendance- Me, Eryn and The Vanilla Gorilla.
Cast Members of Note- Cecile De France, Maiwenn, and Philippe Nahon.

This is a story about love, lesbian undertones, insanity, and home invasion. It's also a cautionary tale, as many French Horror movies are, about the dangers that await innocent people in the rural French Countryside; just trust me when I tell you to always stay in the city. There's death in them thar hills.

Just stay in the city!
When a creepy old French delivery dude comes knocking on the door of a rural home in the dead of night, we all know what he's delivering... death! Cold, hard death. After killing everyone while they're in their pajamas, he kidnaps a hot chick, which prompts another hot chick (who was hiding like a coward during all of the carnage) to give chase, in an effort to save her dear friend. I say "friend" but what I really mean is secret lesbian crush... because somebody's got one!

Maybe don't open the door for this guy at night. Or ever.
What comes next is a bloodbath of epic proportions, a creepy love story, and a really confusing ending. I won't spoil the ending for you here, other than to say that it's really confusing, and we had to watch the movie again to fully grasp all of its nuanced tricks. Yeah, this movie tricked us a lot.

Really, it's a love story. Aren't they all?
What isn't good about this movie? There are those that will complain that the "twist" ending ruined the movie, but really, it didn't. Not one bit. In fact, once you see it, the ending makes the second viewing better, and more challenging.

Does the title High Tension refer to sexual tension and repressed desires? Maybe. At the beginning when we hear Marie say "are we recording?," does that mean she's recalling the events from her point of view, to satisfy her own sense of self-righteousness, or is she being deceptive? I can't say for sure.

No matter what did or didn't happen, this is a movie that challenged us, and stayed with us long after it was over. This movie is an instant classic that needs to be seen by anyone who truly loves Horror. Gritty, bloody, nasty, and even thought provoking... this is a Must Have for any good Horror collection.

This bitch right here...
I'm going to bitch about the ending really quick here; not because I hated it, but because it really threw me for a loop the first time that I saw it, which pissed me off. It left me feeling cheated. Of course that feeling didn't last long, and after seeing the movie again, I was completely fine with how it ended, but I can totally see how some people would react angrily to its conclusion.
It was the damn Bear's fault!
Can kids ever escape horrific violence in French Horror movies? And for that matter, what about the dogs? I guess if you're cute and or cuddly in these movies, you're pretty much as good as dead.

I'm eventually going to need therapy.

Poor little Jean Pierre Luc Francois never had a chance... in this movie or in life.
This is probably one of the bloodiest movies the I've ever seen. The violence in this one is presented in such a realistic and in-your-face kind of way, that it makes everything seem that much more grim and hopeless... which is a good thing, if you're sick puppies like us. It's definitely a bit hard to watch at times.

I especially like the scene involving the buzz saw... This is really great stuff.

You're singing? Now?!?
We get to see some boobs, and a hot/odd masturbation scene, other than that though, this movie isn't much on the sexy stuff.

They totally dropped the ball in this one as far as potentially hot lesbian scenes go.
"I won't let anyone come between us any more."

All women are crazy. Also, I need one of those crazy French vans.

The look of love.
Hate the twist ending or not, this is a spectacular film, and one that the Horror Genre really needed to pump some life into the lackluster early 2000's. Bloody, tense, engaging, and ultimately disturbing, this one is a must own for anyone who loves Horror flicks..


Haute Tension is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.


Worst romance ever... but at least it had some hot participants.

January 29, 2009

Review: Dorothy Mills (2009)

After playing a few festivals in 2008, Dorothy Mills is finally being released on DVD everywhere...

Sub-Genre- Possession
Cast Members of Note- Carice van Houten, Jenn Murray, and Gary Lewis.

Dorothy Mills is a creepy little girl that looks like an albino version of Nellie Olson from Little House on the Prairie. She's also a horrible babysitter; jamming bottles into infants faces and screaming at them about how bad they are. She may also be schizophrenic or possessed, and a nymphomaniac alcoholic to boot. She apparently has issues.

If that picture doesn't creep you out, I'm not sure what will.
She lives on a creepy little Irish Island where everyone seems to have issues of their own, including, but not limited to; driving people into lakes, rape, animal cruelty, mass-animal-murder, incest, their love of the electric guitar, exorcism, and an obsessive love of karaoke. So needless to say that when a smoking hot psychiatrist shows up to diagnose little albino Nellie Olson, things obviously don't go smoothly.

That slip sure looks smooth though...
Is Nellie/Dorothy possessed, or just a nut-bag? Is everyone on the Island hiding a terrible secret? Will that blind old woman ever stop being creepy? I won't spoil the ending for you here, but suffice it to say that It was actually more satisfying than the movie that preceded it.

Stop staring at me!
This film is beautiful to look at, is dripping with atmosphere, and does a good job of maintaining unease and a subtle feeling of dread throughout. It's a different kind of creepy, mainly brought on by the creepy-ass Irish Islanders, rather than some totally evil force as we had expected.

This isn't an Exorcist clone/ripoff/tribute as the poster and synopsis might imply, and it's not much like The Bad Seed/The Good Son either... it isn't even a conventional Horror movie in some ways. The plot is more along the lines of "bad things that bad people do to each other" with a slight supernatural twist.

I was hoping for more of a Demonic Possession type of thing, but I was pleasantly surprised with what I got, none the less.

Run, bitch! Run for your life and get some help!
Was the "Possessed" swearing and carrying on supposed to be scary? Dorothy's quiet moments were far creepier than were her outbreaks, and though they fit with the story, I'd have preferred to see more subtlety. I guess I keep looking for The Exorcist in every "Possession" movie I see, with very few coming close to its level of execution.That's mostly my issue though, I suppose.

Somebody done pissed off the wrong albino.
Did all of the sheep have to go? That was just cruel, man.

Looks like it's lamb for dinner, boys.
Deer violence, sheep mass-murder, baby feeding violence, handgun violence, and a bloody nose.


"Go and see in the church. She let the Devil into her house." or "She left us, without a word of her destination."

The lesson here is to avoid small Island communities that call you "outsider."
"God fearin' backwoods folk" are the same everywhere, whether in Ireland or Alabama. Also, never trust the Irish.

... and I mean NEVER trust the Irish. *I'm Irish, trust me, I know.
Dorothy Mills was a very well made film, with solid performances from its actors, and it's got atmosphere to spare, the only problem is it's not very scary. This is definitely not a typical Possession movie, nor is it a killer kid flick; rather it's a subtle and nuanced psych job of a Horror Thriller which is sure to please if you like thinkers. Definitely check it out, but just don't expect it to be straight-up "Horror."


Dorothy Mills is available on DVD now.


Carice van Houten is hot.