VOD Review: Scouts Guide to the Zombie Aocalypse (2015)

Even though Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse is a Horror Comedy that had us laughing the whole way through, it's sitting at a dismal 44% on Rotten Tomatoes (not that that necessarily means anything), so it's safe to say that a majority or critics found it either just alright, or lacking.

I don't know what to tell those guys, but I personally laughed my ass off more than a few times during this one, and coupled with its explicit gore (and the hotness of Sarah Dumont), I found this movie to be enjoyable as hell.

In a year that gave us such top-notch Horror Comedies as What We Do In the Shadows, Deathgasm, Cooties, and The Final Girls, it says a lot that we found Scouts Guide to be one of the funniest movies that we've seen in 2015.

Maybe we just have simple-minded taste?

Ben, Carter, and Augie are life-long friends who also happen to be Scouts (not Boy Scouts, mind you, because of legal reasons.) Everyone at school thinks they're geeks, because it's pretty geeky to be a Scout when you're in High School, and so Ben and Carter are thinking about quitting. They want to party and get laid, like normal teens do. Augie, however, loves being a Scout, and has no intention of quitting.

GUESS WHICH ONE DOESN'T WANT TO QUIT.

After an incident at a local science place (a lab or something) turns a doctor, then a janitor, then a deer, then their Scout Leader into infected zombies, it's not long before almost the entire town is infected, except for our three Scout heroes, and a hot slut who works at a strip club called Lawrence of Alabia. And then there's the secret party full of kids including Carter's hot sister Kendall, who Ben is in love with.

ONE OF THE PEOPLE IN THIS PICTURE WEARS A TANK TOP BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD.

With the Army getting ready to bomb the town to contain the infection, our heroes race against time to save Kendall, and in the process end up kicking a plethora of zombie ass... mostly by shooting them in the head. So needless to say, there are a lot of exploding heads in this one. 

WAITRESS MY ASS. GET YOUR ASS ON THAT POLE!

Yes, its plot is simple, and sure, the movie propels itself forward mostly on the power of dirty humor and exploitative gore alone, but damn it all, it was a fun movie! Funny too, and no, you don't have to be a 12-year-old boy to think so, like many critics would have you believe.

I really hate loving a movie that many critics have dismissed as crap, because it makes me feel as if I have to somehow defend it. I shouldn't have to defend a movie like Scouts Guide, because it's a solid comedy that should be able to speak for itself. Like it did for us. Because even with its issues, it was better than most.

"LET ME MEOW FOR YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE!"

Scouts Guide kind of felt like a zombie-filled, R-Rated episode of Freaks and Geeks to me; its characters were ultra-likable and well-rounded; it had some genuinely funny moments, along with a few laugh out loud scenes; the hot chicks who the geeks were drooling over were extra hot; and it even had a bit of "you're my best friend" type of sentimentality about it, even though some of that came off as a bit cheesy. We still ate it up though.

This was just a really comfy movie to kick back and enjoy. 

YEAH, THAT'S HIS B-HOLE.

The best thing about the movie -aside form the boob squeeze, the trampoline scene, the gumming scene, the cats, the awesomeness of David Koechner, and the hotness of Sarah Dumont- has to be the level of blood and gore on display. The producers made the right decision to make this one as gory as possible, because so many other movies of this kind hold back on the more visceral aspect of things, which always makes us sad.

ZOMBIE CATS. THAT MAY BE A FIRST.

The end felt a bit rushed, and could have used a few more minutes to breathe. Also, some of the movie's developments felt a bit cheesy, while others felt a bit convenient... like the way the whole "bombing of the town" subplot just kind of disappeared, or how one character just happened to show up at the end and save the day.

WHY DID THIS SCENE HAVE TO HAPPEN?!?

2 or 3 more naked zombie strippers would have been nice...

...ESPECIALLY IF SHE HAD BEEN ONE OF THEM.

There's plenty of blood and gore on display in this one, and we love that they didn't hold back on any of it. The kills in Scouts Guide were not only plentiful and explicit, but they were pretty creative as well. This is definitely Hard-R material.

"DUDE, GET ME A TWIX!"

We get to see some boobs in this one, and there's a disturbingly hilarious scene involving a penis... a long, stretchy penis.

THE WORLD NEEDS MORE PORNSTAR COPS LIKE HER.

Don't make fun of Scouts, they may just save you from Zombie Apocalypse.

IT WAS KIND OF LIKE ZOMBIELAND MEETS GHOSTBUSTERS.

As enjoyable as we found Scouts Guide to be, we have to admit that it is a bit simple-minded and predictable at times. We didn't mind its shortcomings all that much, because we just kicked back and enjoyed it for what it was; a fun, silly, raunchy, blood-soaked, zombie-filled Horror Comedy. And a great one at that.

If you're able to do the same, then you'll probably get a kick out of it too. If you saw the trailer and thought it looked good, give it a rent and enjoy.

A-

Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse is available now on VOD, and will hit Blu-ray & DVD on January 5th.

Good God almighty is Sarah Dumont a sassy little thing or what?

VOD Review: The Pyramid (2014)

Late last year we reviewed a Found Footage flick called As Above, So Below (Review); another "Subterranean Horror" flick that featured a gang of Archaeologists heading down into a forbidden place, foolishly searching for history, and instead finding only death.

Most critics hated it, we didn't think it was all that bad.

Like As Above, The Pyramid features a bunch of archaeologists delving into the dark catacombs of a long lost world, essentially courting death while trying to discover some long lost part of history.

Of the two, The Pyramid is the lesser film.

I guess the best way to put it is that if you think this movie looks stupid, then skip it. If you think "Hey, that looks alright" then go for it.

Either way, you'd be right.

The Pyramid is about a bunch of archaeologists who find an entrance to an ancient pyramid, which they instantly decree as being "the find of the century," because when you're into old bones and ancient clay pots, just about anything will get you excited beyond belief.

When ordered to leave the site, they throw a hissy fit because "they are so close!" To what? Who the hell knows. Forget the fact that they're in a foreign land which is experiencing a massive social uprising, because as Americans, whatever they're doing is far more important than some civil unrest that is threatening to tear the country around them apart.

IDIOTS.

Of course they don't leave, instead opting to send their billion dollar droid into the pyramid, in an effort to discover something. Or multiple somethings. When the droid is somehow destroyed, they go in after it, because because with everyone else gone, why wouldn't they stay and explore an ancient series of catacombs that potentially hold untold dangers? Sounds like a smart move to me.

Spoiler Alert: Anubis and a bunch of frisky CGI cats are inside of the pyramid, and they really hate Americans, so you can pretty much guess how it's going to end for most of them.

THIS IS WHY I DON'T EXPLORE PYRAMIDS.

To its credit, The Pyramid looks slick, and the dark atmosphere of its creepy setting is pretty effective. Also, once he shows up, Anubis makes for a pretty credible threat as well. The movie also boasts a fairly strong cast, lead by the always entertaining Denis O'Hare, and the mesmerizing beauty of Ashley Hinshaw.

NOT REALLY BUYING HER AS AN ARCHAEOLOGIST THOUGH.

This is not a good movie, per se, but it does enough things right to be a fairly enjoyable one (at least on the surface), if you can manage to shut your "thinkin' machine" off for a while, and just enjoy it for what it is. Really though, you somehow have to waylay the portion of your mind that processes logic in order to get something positive out of this movie. Add to that the frustrating trappings of the typical Found Footage effort (shaky cam, jump scares, and characters that play towards the camera, etc...), and a lot of people probably will not dig this one.

I really hate saying "It's alright, if you just turn your brain off..." about any movie, because you should really never have to think less to be able to enjoy something.

As an example of what makes this movie so frustrating: Once they're good and lost inside the pyramid, a soldier shows up out of nowhere to rescue them. When they become separated from him, they still wander around aimlessly trying to figure a way out, somehow forgetting that a random dude managed to get in and find them in pretty short order. How about you go back the way that the solider came? Unless I missed something, none of them said anything like "How did he get in here? Let's backtrack his trail and get out of here!" I mean, wouldn't there be at least some sort of trail with all of the dust and sand on the pyramid floor?

SHE MOVES HER MOUTH WHEN SHE READS.

And why is it always these strong, driven, overly-aggressive female characters that end up costing everybody their lives in these kind of movies? "I know that it's really crazy to even think about going in there, but we have to. Trust me!" Of course later, after the idiots follow her inside instead of saying "Have fun, I'm staying here," and most of them have died painful deaths, we get the same chick saying "I'm so sorry."

I mean, I know they only sent a robot in there to begin with, but even that, under the duress of having to leave in such a hurry, is a stupid idea. It's like everything is a big adventure with no real consequences...  I guess that's how they have to get them inside of the pyramid so that there can be a movie to begin with, but it's so frustrating to watch.

Just once I'd like to see "that" female character be the voice of reason and common sense in one of these movies, instead of being the voice of blind optimism and careless ambition that gets everyone killed.

THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH OUR REACTION.

And when they find a piece of their little robot, which has clearly been torn apart by something, instead of leaving like anyone with a brain would do, they decide to delve deeper into the pyramid to search for the rest of it? Something in the pyramid destroyed the robot, and they want to explore further into its deep, dark, unknown passageways to find it? Come on.

What wonders another treatment or two of the script would have done for this movie.

THAT'S A LANKY ASS CAT RIGHT THERE.

Much like 2014's other "idiot people travel underground into ancient ruins to die" flick, As Above, So Below, The Pyramid isn't a truly awful experience, but it certainly is a trying one. At times, it's even a frustrating one, but it's got enough good stuff in it to keep if from being a total train-wreck. If you're an optimist at heart, that is.

Despite our issues with the movie, it's probably worthy of a rental for most Horror fans... but only if you've already seen As Above, So Below. That one is much better.

C-

The Pyramid will be available on Blu-ray and DVD on May 5th, and it's on VOD now.

Oh, Ashley Hinshaw, you sassy, sassy little thing. Also, Christa Nicola.

The 10 Horror Cats have returned!

We're pretty sure that 90% of Horror movies are contractually obligated to have a cat in them, mainly for the purpose of the ever-famous "Mrrrrooowww!" Jump-Scare; you know the one where someone either opens a door/cabinet/box.etc, or is roaming around in a dark house asking "Hello? Is anybody there?," and then an asshole cat pops out and scares the shit out of them.

That's the famous "Mrrrrooowww!" Jump-Scare. Good times.

Sometimes they jump out and scare people, sometimes they stare and hiss, and sometimes they even maul people to death. Sometimes, they save lives. Sometimes, they just die.

No matter what role a cat plays in their Horror movie, we always remember them fondly... unless of course you hate cats, then you probably remember them un-fondly. Either way is fine with us, really.

So let's take a look at 10 more cats who made an impact on our Horror watching lives. *If you really love cats, then be sure to check out our previous installments of 10 Horror Cats Part 1, 10 Horror Cats Part 2, because they're full of cats too.

Stompy (The ABCs of Death)

We call this cute little guy Stompy because the poor thing  ends up getting stomped to death by some puta who is looking to pay her bills. I guess that getting a job would be way more difficult than doing cat-stomping fetish porn, but hey, I'm not a puta, so what do I know?

This is not the way that we wanted to start our list, but therein lies the danger of going alphabetically...

Read our review of The ABCs of Death here.

Silky (The Cat)

It's much easier to talk about or next cat, Silky. Silky is a good boy who does his best to keep the woman who rescued him alive, even though there's a cat-eyed ghost girl roaming around who just might want to kill her. None of the other cats in this movie, and there are a lot, seem to care either way.

Good boy, Silky. Good boy.

Becker (Darker Than Night)

A remake of 1975's Más Negro que la Noche, Darker Than Night is the story of Greta and her bimbo friends, who movie into a mansion bequeathed to her by her recently deceased Aunt. The only caveat to them living there is that they must care for her prized cat, Becker. Instead, they let him drown, which causes a whole lot of supernatural retribution.

All Becker wanted to do was be catered to like any prized cat would, but alas, he died painfully instead.

Blanche (Hausu)

Like most Japanese Horror films, Hausu makes very little sense. Honestly, this movie is INSANE, and it will leave you scratching your head. Why was Blanche the cat always lingering around when people died? I don't know, but when her eyes start to glow green, you'd better run and hope it misses you with its eye lasers.

Airborne (Sick Nurses)

Even in a movie called Sick Nurses, we're not sure what would possess someone to throw a poor little kitty across a room, for no other reason that their amusement. Later, after one of the nurses has their jaw ripped off, a cat comes along and eats her tongue. Was it Airborne? I can't remember, but it was a nice piece of feline revenge, none the less.

Read our review of Sick Nurses here.

Future Grant (Slither)

This little kitty got too close to what was left of the Grant Grant monster, which means that it will now become a new version of the Grant Grant monster. Too bad there won't ever be a sequel (because no one ever saw this awesome little flick), so we'll just have to imagine a gigantic mutated cat trying to eat the entire planet.

Read our review of Slither here.

Sacrifice (Splice)

Poor little Sacrifice was killed by the genetically mutated freak Dren, so that she would never again be manipulated by love, or something stupid like that. I guess that eating a cat is somehow far less emotionally damaging than loving it?

Coraggio (Spring)

Coraggio's appearance was short and sweet in Spring, but his panicked meows told us everything that we needed to know about the mutation and evolution of fruit trees... which was a metaphor for the rest of the movie. We think.

Read our review of Spring here.

Claude (Black Christmas)

This asshole house cat doesn't even care that he's licking a dead chick who is wrapped in plastic, because he's hungry and selfish. Worst of all is the fact that Billy just lets him do it. It did make for one hell of a creepy closing scene though.

Read our review of Black Christmas here.

Mr. Whiskers (The Voices)

This furry, foul-mouthed sociopath was the best part of The Voices. Watching Mr.Whiskers constantly urging Ryan Reynolds to kill a bunch of whores in that Scottish brogue was just crazy amusing. Of course it turns out that Ryan Reynolds' character in the movie is insane, and his cat isn't really taking to him at all, but that doesn't make it any less cool.

Read our review of The Voices here.

So there you have it; 10 cats that made the Horror movies they starred in all the more memorable. Shame that most of them are probably dead by now, but hey, we'll always have their memorable performances to hang on to. Right?