VOD Review: Vampyres (2016) #31daysofhorror

"This is a very naked remake."

*SUBMITTED BY: Artsploitation Films, who sent us a handy screener.

Female Vampires are a sexy and terrifying thing to behold. They're usually gorgeous and scantily-clad, which is great and all, but knowing that they're only using their feminine wiles to lure unsuspecting men like us to some dark place so that they can drain them of their lifeblood is just terrifying. As a man, let me tell you that we're just not strong enough to resist that kind of thing. We're simple creatures.

In the 70's, there were all kinds of vampire flicks that featured sexy female vampires. They all had that spooky, 70's Gothic vibe about them, and some of them even pushed the boundaries of good taste by offering gratuitous nudity, sex, and lesbianism. Back then, that was some scandalous shit.

One of the most famous of those exploitational vampire flicks was Vampyres (1974), which featured the stunningly gorgeous Anulka as one of the Devil's whores, and maybe even offered more graphic lesbianism on film than any other movie ever had before.

Now, it's been remade. We're not sure exactly why, but it has.

Vampire lovers Fran and Miriam live in an old house in the woods where they have sex with each other, and lure unsuspecting travelers back home so that they can drink their blood. Maybe even bathe in it. When a group of dimwit campers decide to set up their tents nearby, they get pulled into the erotic and blood-soaked world of the two sapphic vampires, which doesn't end well for most of them.

I'm not trying to be vague or anything here, that's really all there is to the plot. This isn't a very deep movie.

THAT'S THE LOOK OF LOVE.

This remake of Vampyres isn't a great movie. The acting is uneven across the board, which has a lot to do with most of the movie's stars speaking English when it's not their native language, which is always distracting to me; the story, while being rather faithful to the 1974 version, drags on with a lot of exposition that did nothing for the movie; and although the movie boasts plenty of attractive ladies, none of them had that special "it factor" that Anulka did in the original. Anulka was special.

But...

This remake does boast plenty of nakedness, lesbianism, sex, and a liberal amount of bloodshed that makes it a fun watch, at least on a visceral level.

"I... I LOVE YOU?"

The vampire ladies feed on plenty of victims throughout this one, and it gets messy. There's even a scene where the two vampiresses have some lesbian sex in a bathtub, while blood pours down on them from above, courtesy of a slit throat. Felt a lot like that scene from Hostel 2...

THEY SURE ARE HUNGRY. AND HORNY.

I'm pretty sure that this movie exists only to showcase a bunch of naked girls kissing each other. We can respect that.

BLOODY HOT.

If you're in the mood for a movie with an exploitational level of blood and gore (and let's face it, sometimes we're all in that mood), then Vampyres will probably give you your money's worth.Just turn off the part of your brain that craves substance, and you'll be fine.

C

Vampyres will hit VOD and DVD on October 18th.

The lovely ladies of Vampyres.

Blu-ray Review: The Lost Boys (1987)

"Easily one of the Top 10 Vampire Movies ever made."

(aka MTV: Fangs.)
Release Date: July 31st, 1987.
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Jan Fischer and James Jerimias.
Directed by: Joel Schumacher.
Starring: Corey Haim, Jason Patric, Kiefer Sutherland, Corey Feldman, and Jami Gertz.

From a personal standpoint, we'd love to say that The Lost Boys is the best vampire movie ever, because to us, it just might be. If we're being honest though, it's not THE best. Top 10, objectively, and depending on your taste in vamp flicks, but definitely not #1.

Regardless of ranking, The Lost Boys remains today one of the most stylish, enjoyable Horror flicks to come out of the 80's, and in fact, I'm listening to the soundtrack as I write these words, and not just because we decided to watch and review the movie; no, this soundtrack has been in my rotation since it first came out, because it rocks.

Talk about staying power...

A recently divorced mother moves she and her two kids, Sam and Michael, to the scenic beach town of Santa Carla, California to live with her father. Sam is a bit of a comic book geek, and Michael is a brooding bad boy looking for adventure (girls), so when they realize that their Grandpa is a half bubble off plum, they take to the local boardwalk to find some action.

IT ACTUALLY FINDS THEM.

Michael, being an angsty teen with a pecker that cant be contained, falls under the spell of a beautiful local girl named Star, which in turn leads him to a gang of motorcycle riding Abercrombie models who are nothing but trouble. As Michael is inducted into the Lost Boy's gang, Sam meets the Frog Bothers; two local kids who run their dad's comic book shop, who are also fearsome vampire hunters. Sam thinks that they're crazy at first with all of their "Santa Carla is crawling with vampires" talk, but it's not long before he realizes they're right, when Michael begins showing signs of vampirism.

T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

As Michael gets closer and closer to falling into the eternal grasp of The Lost Boys, Sam and the Frog Brothers decide that they only way to save him is to kill the master vampire, which is David... and David is a bad-ass who isn't going to be easy to kill.

Death by stereo ensues.

ON THEIR OWN, JUST THE WAY THEY LIKE IT.

The Lost Boys is a classic Horror movie in every sense of the word. It's smart, slick, populated with well-written characters who are played by a perfect cast, and not only does it capture the unique style of the 80's perfectly, but it plays every bit as well today as it did back in 1987. You can't say that about a lot of movies. It's a lot of style, to say the least, but its also got a lot of substance to it too.

This one is way more fun than it is scary (although the vampires, especially David, were ferocious at times), and it's plan to see that its tongue is planted firmly in its cheek, and maybe that's why it works so well; it's funny without trying to be, and it's intense without needing to be. The script is sharp and witty, and the direction by Joel Schumacher is perfect, but it's really the cast that makes this one so fantastic.

WHO'S A GOOD BOY? NANOOK, THAT'S WHO.

Fresh off of his villainous role in Stand By Me (another excellent flick), Kiefer Sutherland is the subtle standout here. His David might not speak much, but Keifer makes his words feel weighty when he does, and the way that he carries himself is truly ominous. He's one of the best vampire characters ever committed to film, and he's definitely our favorite Keifer Sutherland character (sorry, Jack Bauer.) Other than Solarbabies, Jason Patric was virtually unknown when he starred as Michael, and he and Jami Gertz (who was also in Solarbabies) made for a perfect on-screen duo in this one. Fun fact: They also dated. 

Speaking of duos, this was the first time that The Two Corey's (Haim and Feldman) starred in a movie together, and their chemistry was perfect from the get-go. It got no bigger than Corey Feldman as far as child stars in the 80's went, and Corey Haim was no slouch either, and this movie marked the beginning of their long-standing on-screen tandem and real-life friendship, which even lead to a reality show in 2007. Sam and The Frog Brothers make for a perfect vampire hunting team, and watching them riff off of each other in this one brilliant.

CREEPY.

It's a bit of a bummer watching this one knowing that Corey Haim is dead. He seemed like such a happy kid, and just knowing that abuse lead him to the lifestyle that eventually killed him is truly sad. He was our on-screen bro in the 80's, and we hope that he found the peace in death that was so elusive to him in life. 

THAT OUTFIT AND HAIRCUT THOUGH...

What in the hell was with the half-naked poster of Rob Lowe on Sam's wall?

SAM, WHERE ARE YOUR HANDS?!?

There's not as much gore in this one as you'd think there would be in an R-Rated vampire flick, but we do get a few bloody vampire-fueled kill scenes throughout.

"YOU'LL NEVER GROW OLD, MICHAEL, AND YOU'LL NEVER DIE... BUT YOU MUST FEED!"

There's a love scene, but there's no nudity in this one. Well, unless you count Tim Capello being all greased up and shirtless (you can see him in the music section below.)

JAMI GERTZ WAS 80's HOT, EVEN WITH THAT JACKET ON.

In the 80's, soundtracks were often times every bit as good as the movies from which they came, and The Lost Boys is an excellent example of that. In fact, you could argue that the music added a hell of a lot to the movie, almost like it was its own character.

Lost in the Shadows (The Lost Boys) by Lou Gramm is the standout track on an album filled with standout tracks, with its energetic, anthemic grandeur, but then again Cry Little Sister is a haunting ballad... and I Still Believe has energy to spare... We can't decide!

With the exception of the instrumental track at the end, every song on this soundtrack rocks, and makes a perfect compliment to the movie.

YES TIM, WE STILL BELIEVE.

 

This WB disc is solid visually, but it isn't as good as it could be. It would be ideal if someone like Scream Factory could get a hold of the rights for The Lost Boys and give it a crisp, new, frame-by-frame transfer, but that's probably not going to happen, so this one will have to do. Don't get me wrong, this movie looks great on Blu-ray, it's just not as eye-popping as we'd like it to be. The lossless Dolby TrueHD 5.1 audio track, however, is fantastic, which is especially nice in a movie where the music features so prominently.

The Special Features are varied and solid, with the commentary track by Joel Shumacher and the deleted scenes being our faves. It's also got Lou Gramm's Lost in the Shadows video, which is a really cool bonus.

Fans of The Lost Boys should be well-pleased with this disc, especially at its $9 price-point.

FIN.

The soundtrack, the lovable and memorable characters, the great acting from such a young, unknown cast... The Lost Boys is an A+ flick for us. It's not a perfect movie, as few ever are, but it's a slick, stylish flick that blends Horror and Comedy together perfectly, the end result of which is an ultra-enjoyable movie that holds up just as well today as it did when it premiered nearly 30 years ago.

If you haven't seen The Lost Boys yet, which would be really odd, you should grab a copy of the Blu-ray, and kick back and enjoy the nostalgic 80's Horror feels that it offers.

A+

The Lost Boys is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Jami Gertz made our hearts skip a beat when we were kids, and she still looks fantastic decades later. Good for her.

DVD Review: Salem's Lot (1979)

"36 years after its release, this Made-For-TV mini-series is still one of the best vampire movies ever made."

(aka Best TV Movie Ever.)
Release Date: November 17th, 1979.
Country: USA.
Rating: PG.
Written by: Paul Monash and Stephen King.
Directed by: Tobe Hooper.
Starring: David Soul, James Mason, Bonnie Bedelia, Lance Kerwin, Lew Ayres, Geoffrey Lewis, and George Dzundza.

When we began our little Horror Club back in 2008, I had no idea what I was doing when it came to designing a website. I still don't, but back then it was even worse, trust me. Anyway, when I was trying to figure out how to format things into legible posts that people might actually read, I for some reason got the idea in my head that we needed some sort of mascot or something; for our banner, for our review art, and for whatever else might come up. I eventually decided that The Master from Salem's Lot was exactly what we needed. Not sure why, but it just happened like that.

Maybe it was because Mr. Barlow and his vampires scared the living hell out of us all as kids, or maybe it was just because he looked cool, but that Nosferatu-looking bastard struck a chord with me, and he felt like a perfect fit for what we wanted to do.

As much as we love the movie, and as important as The Master is to our site, I find it odd that I've never taken the time to review Salem's Lot until now.

Well, now it's time.

"LET US BEGIN!"

A handsome, middle-aged man and a young, nervous boy are together in a seedy motel room in Mexico, when a bottle of "holy water" begins to glow. They lock eyes, trembling, and move closer to one another... Sounds pervy when I put it like that, doesn't it? Well that's just how the movie begins, so get your minds out of the gutter, pervs!

MEXICAN JOY JUICE OR HOLY WATER? YOU DECIDE.

Ben Mears grew up in Salem's Lot, and now he's finally come back to write a book about the spooky old Marsten house, which is what chased him away from home to begin with, many years ago. Because it's haunted, and it tried to kill him when he was a kid. The old house is still sitting there on the hill, watching over the town, and as terrified as he is of it, Ben tries to rent it. Unfortunately for him though, a newly arrived antique dealer named Straker has beaten him to the punch. It's probably best that he stay away anyhow.

YEAH THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH, BEN. JUST STAY THERE.

Shortly after a massive crate is delivered to the Marsten house, a local boy goes missing, and Ben just knows that the disappearance is tied to that creepy old house. When that same kid (who is now undead) appears at his brother's window in a bank of fog, scratches at it, asks to be let in, and then proceeds to eat him, it's apparent that it's not just the Marsten house, but the Master Vampire that crawled out of that crate who is the creepy one. 

FUUUUUCK YOU!

As more and more people are turned into vampires, Ben, the kid from the Mexican motel room at the beginning, and an old man whose heart can't take all of this vampire hullabaloo, set out to save the town and destroy The Master before he can turn everyone into his bloodsucking minions. Which they can't, because he does. Which is why they end up fleeing to Mexico.

Genuine terror ensues.

YOU'LL ENJOY MR. BARLOW, AND HE'LL ENJOY YOU.

I hesitated giving this movie a grade of A+, because to many people, that might imply some sort of perfection, and this mini-series is certainly not perfect; it's a bit long, a bit 70's-cheesy in some places, and it even feels sanitized at times. The plot could have advanced a bit quicker too, as a lot of the movie is spent with people "figuring out" what is going on, and that grew old after a while.

Then again, it's got one of the most iconic vampires ever, in Mr. Barlow; the vampires in general are terrifying; it's got a great cast; and although they changed some things from the book, it's probably the best Stephen King mini-series ever made, and there were a lot of them.

Above all else is the fact that 36 years later, it's still creepy as hell.

Salem's Lot is just about as good as it gets when it comes to vampire movies. We live in a time when so many movies, especially when it comes to Horror, are quick-cut, kinetic, and are far more concerned with style than they are substance. So yeah, maybe Salem's Lot feels dated, and maybe it could use a trim here and here, but it takes its time to establish its characters, it creates one hell of a sense of impending doom, and most importantly, it delivers some genuinely terrifying scares without resorting to any cheap and flashy gimmicks.

A THING OF NIGHTMARES.

As good as this movie was, how in the world was it followed up with the shitty sequel, A Return to Salem's Lot? All they had to do was copy the vampire look from the first movie, and figure out how to inject them into a few scary and intense scenes, and all would be well. Right? Nope.

The sequel was Tara Reid's first movie, and it's even worse than her acting in Sharknado 3 (or 95% of anything she's been in.) Think about that.

YOUNG BUNNY LEBOWSKI.

Why in the hell has Warner Bros. never given this movie the Blu-ray treatment? I know that it's an older movie, and that it would most likely never look or sound pristine, even with a new 1080p transfer, but can't they even try?

Clean up the video, do the same for the audio, frame it in a widescreen-friendly aspect ratio, give us some special features, maybe some interviews... Sure it would take some effort, but if it can be done for The Wire, it can be done for this movie. Tell me that disc wouldn't sell like crazy.

Warner Bros. sucks when it comes to releasing their catalogue titles, but they need to get on it!

JAMES MASON IS NOT PLEASED WITH THIS STANDARD DEFINITION, 4:3 BULLSHIT!

This was a Made-For-TV movie with a PG rating, so there's very little gore to be found here.

THE MASTER'S VERSION OF DROPPING THE MIC.

This was a Made-For-TV movie with a PG rating, so there's no nudity whatsoever in this one.

ALIVE OR DEAD, BONNIE BEDELIA WAS HOT.

Ralphie Glick scratching at the window has to be one of the best scenes in all of Horror, but any scenes involving the vampires, and especially The Master, were extremely creepy and fantastic.

THE LATE, GREAT GEOFFREY LEWIS.

You can do an excellent Horror movie with no blood, no nudity, and a PG rating. Also, the movie version of Mr. Barlow is way better than the book version. Yeah, I said it.

PANTS WERE SHAT.

One of our favorite Horror movies of all-time, and a remarkable achievement for something that was rated PG, let alone Made-For-TV in the 1970's, Salem's Lot remains today as effective a vampire movie as there is. It will probably feel dated for a lot of viewers, and it is, but good lord is it effective as hell; there are simply few movie vampires as terrifying as Mr. Barlow and his brood, and they are used to maximum effect here.

If you have yet to experience this Stephen King mini-series, then get yourself a copy, turn off the lights, and enjoy the nightmares.

A+

Salem's Lot is available now on DVD.

Good lord was Bonnie Bedelia a QT back in the day. Julie Cobb wasn't so bad either.