Dark Touch (2013)

It's hard for us to say that we loved a movie that primarily deals with the horrific after-effects of child abuse, mainly because that is one heavy topic for any type of movie, Horror or not.

I mean, how do you really enjoy something like that, you know?

Dark Touch is a movie in which an 11-year-old girl comes to grips with her newly manifesting telekinetic abilities, while at the same time trying to recover from some pretty awful abuse that she's suffered.

I know everyone who has talked about this movie has likened it to Carrie, and here we are, about to do exactly the same thing, but it's a comparison that just begs to be made; both films involve a young girl with telekinetic powers who is abused by her parent(s), loses her shit, and uses said powers to kill people, whether deserving or innocent.

All in all, we'd have to say that we liked Carrie White's mother far more than we did Niamh's parents, because as abusive parents go, she really was the more loving and caring of the bunch.

That's saying a whole hell of a lot, isn't it?

The Breakdown section is going to contain more Spoilerific Material than it usually does, so be warned. If you just want to know whether we say yay or neigh about the movie, then skip the plot details and just read everything else.

And we mean EVERYTHING!

Niamh (pronounced 'Neeve,' because Irish names are odd) is a sweet 11-year-old girl, who has some problems at home. Her main problem is that her parents are abusive to her, both physically and sexually. Her other problem, which ends up being more of a problem for mom and dad than it does her, is that she has telekinetic abilities... which she justly uses to kill her parents with flying furniture and the like.

In Ireland, this is called "Friday Night." Zing! *Just kidding, it's actually "Thursday."

After hugging her infant brother to death, her neighbors take her in because the poor girl needs a good home now. They of course don't know about her TK powers, and so they don't really take the care that they should in making sure that she doesn't get pissed off or scared. Or creeped out. I mean forcing a girl (who's just been through all sorts of horrible abuse) to strip down and let you bathe her, just doesn't seem like a wise move. Then again, it doesn't seem like a wise (or normal) move at all, abuse or not.

"Bath time you say? Alright..."

As Niamh's inner fear and unease grows, so do her creepy and nefarious actions. Once she enlists a few other creepy kids to join her revenge gang, it's every man for themselves, as vengeance is doled out in liberal fashion to any and all who arouse her ire! Really, no one is safe, aside from her and her creepy cronies.

"Oh, so we're creepy then? Alright..."

Director Marina de Van is no stranger to disturbing material; if you've seen her 2002 Body Horror movie, In My Skin, then you're familiar with her willingness to shake her audience their core, all for the sake of her art and the message that she's trying to convey. Dark Touch may not be a viscerally disturbing as was In My Skin, but it's every bit as nasty in its themes, and the dark places that they force your mind to go to.

This is a well-made film which is beautiful to look at, and at times even feels haunting in its aesthetics. It's also a movie that makes you think, and makes some pretty strong statements about child abuse, and its devastating after-effects. Fear not though, it isn't heavy handed and preachy, it's just really effective at getting its point across.

That poor doll.

Little Missy Keating is great as Niamh. She manages to make us feel her character's inner-struggle, and it never comes off as a young actress trying too hard, or forcing her scenes. Should she decide to continue acting, this kid has a bright future ahead of her.

*On a fun side note, the Irish name Niamh actually means 'bright,' so we could have said "this kid has a niamh future ahead of her," and been completely correct in doing so. So there.

Are there any kids in Ireland that aren't fucking creepy?

How in the hell is Niamh pronounced "neeve?" Even with me being part Irish, the pronunciation of some Irish names just baffles the living hell out of me. Then again, I usually have to sound out most of my words phonetically...

Movies that deal with the topic of child abuse/molestation are always extra horrific to endure. I know that's a fairly obvious statement to make, but what do you want from us? The average Horror movie can be taxing enough (for better or worse), but when you add a real life horror like that to the mix, our heads end up feeling extra messed with. We just like to feel happy!

There are actually some pretty good gore gags in this one, our favorite being the first two on-screen murders, which we wont spoil here...

... aside from this picture, which is fairly spoilerish.

Other than a really disturbing scene in which an adult couple are given a creepy bath by a group of even creepier kids, there's no nudity in this one. Considering that this movie is about the horrors of child abuse, we're absolutely fine with that.

Be good to your kids, and if you're a creepy fucking pedophile, how about you just don't have kids. Also, never take in a kid whose parents just died under mysterious circumstances, because you're next.

Just let her run, man! She'll be better off alone in the woods... and so will everyone else.

Along with Wake Wood, Dark Touch is the best Irish Horror movie that we've seen. It's dark, disturbing, sometimes gruesome, and maybe even a bit poignant, and despite its nasty storyline, it was a thoroughly enjoyable watch.

Be sure to check out Dark Touch when it's released on DVD on January 28th, or catch it on VOD now. If you can handle the heavy subject matter at the heart of the movie, then it's well worth your time and money to give it a go.

B

Aww, look... Missy Keating isn't horrifyingly creepy in real life.

You know what is creepy though? Her dad's music. Take that, Ronan Keating!

Wither (2013)

From the Swedish guys that brought us Blood Runs Cold -the ultra-cheap slasher flick that cost only $5000 U.S. to make- comes what I think just might be the Swedish version of The Evil Dead.

When I say that, I don't mean that it's anywhere near as good (nor that it will become as beloved as) Raimi's 1981 Cult Classic, but just that the two flicks are very similar in theme and plot. The mechanics of the two flicks, however, are very different.

This time around, Sonny Laguna and Tommy Wiklund had about $50, 000 U.S. to play with, and their leap in budget shows; as much credit as they deserve for making Blood Runs Cold on such a tiny, tiny budget, they deserve even more credit for Wither, because it's a much better film.

That's not to say that it's a great movie, because it certainly has its faults and issues, but it was a pretty enjoyable watch despite its shortcomings.

A group of friends head out into the deep Swedish woods for a Holiday full of partying (yeah, that plot again), only to find that a creature of Swedish Lore called a Vittra lives in the cellar, and thus their Holiday is officially screwed.

If you're a tiny, cute little slip of a girl, would you be climbing down into the cellar of creepy cabin to play a joke on your friends? Us either, but that's exactly what happens here, and that foolish action leads to some kind of crazy Supernatural infection in which the friends chew each others faces off, beating each other into puddles of wet body parts, hacking each others heads off, and even killing themselves to escape the terror.

That's basically it. Once the first friend is attacked, the plot goes out the window and the rest of the movie is basically one big gory action set piece. We're not really complaining, we're just sayin'.

Who needs a plot when you have that?

For a movie made for around $50k (U.S.), Wither is a fun little ride that we're glad we took. It's an over-the-top and overtly gory film, that still manages to pack in a few chills here and there for good measure. The creatures in this movie look pretty creepy, and if you can ignore the occasional cheesy growl from them, they make for a formidable menace.

Wither is competently made, and it's a much better offering than most micro-budgeted Horror flicks that seem to get made hand-over-fist these days. Maybe that's because this one actually feels like a movie, and not like something that a gang of pals got together and recorded with their camera phones while drinking cheap beer and smoking skunk weed, dude.

You know what, we'll take it.

Hmm, seems familiar...

The story is a bit simple, and it borrows liberally from The Evil Dead, save for the black humor which there wasn't much of here. The acting isn't that great, and some of the characters/creatures actions felt kind of off, but for a movie done on the cheap, it wasn't all that bad.

Had the filmmakers spent a little more time fleshing out their script and making it a bit more original, Wither would have been a truly kick-ass little flick.

Oh, and the ending was a bit of a letdown.

Who are you people?

Wither's big selling point, and its strongest attribute as a film, is its gore content; this movie is wet and red all over, and there are no shortage of nasty gore gags here to keep Horror fans entertained. I'm pretty sure that all of it was practically applied, because such a small budget just wouldn't allow for any CGI work, and that's a great thing.

Sweden, fuck yeah!

People still head out into the deep, isolated woods to party, even after so many years of Horror flicks that warn so strongly against. Shame on them.

Don't you cry, you knew exactly what this was!

If you go into this one thinking that it's the Swedish version of The Evil Dead, then you'll be alright; mainly because both films were made on the cheap, and both are ultra-gory and fun. Sure, Wither may not have Bruce Campbell, but most flicks don't, and we try to enjoy those, right? No matter which way you slice it, Wither (Vittra) is a fun, messy, nasty little flick that will please the inner Gorehound of most Horror fans.  Give it a watch. You could do way worse.

C+

Lisa Henni is in this. Unless you're Swedish, you probably won't know who in the hell she is, but beauty is International, so just enjoy her face.

Quick Review: Blood Runs Cold (2011)

For a movie made on a $5,000 (U.S.) budget, Blood Runs Cold is a masterpiece. We didn't particularly love it, but for having absolutely nothing to work with budget wise, these filmmakers deserve a pat on the back.

This Swedish film is a slasher, through and through, though it's a clumsy slasher at best. It's at least got some gore and nudity, which are the staples of any good slasher movie. As far as plot, script, acting and everything else goes though... the movie is obviously lacking in most departments.

Keep in mind though, for a budget that was basically non-existent, what they did here is quite an accomplishment. I can't say I'd recommend this one to anybody, but then again, I feel like I should because it deserves a little bit of love based on thriftiness alone.

Just move back a little, dummy!

Also, the killer looks like the guy from the Fritt Vilt series. Just wanted to mention that in hopes of starting a Swede/Nord movie war of some sort.

Don't ask.

The movie is truly one that belongs in the D range, but we have to give it a C for being the best $5000 movie we've ever seen. Nice effort, guys.

More like Blood Runs Warm, am I right?

Quick Review: Madness (2010)

I'm going to have to go ahead and guess that Madness is Sweden's answer to Wrong Turn.
Set in Minnesota (which is apparently populated with nothing but Swede's), the story revolves around Swiss Miss and Britta (I forgot their names) who are Cheerleaders on the way to a Cheerleading competition. I'm not sure what kind of Cheerleading competition involves 30-year-old chicks, but I digress.

They pull off the road for gas, pop a few handstands, and catch the attention of, dig these names, Chad Fox and Oliver Ransom. LOL.

Who do they Cheer for, AARP?

Now at this point, I'm thinking that these characters have very odd accents and totally un-American sounding names. When the creepy hillbilly maniacs start talking, I happened to notice that they were speaking Swedish. Then it all made sense! I suppose that the 3 directors (yes, this movie has 3 directors) figured no one would notice that this is a Swedish movie if they set it in the seedy backwoods of Minnesota... although they're a little far north in the U.S. to be playing the inbred hick card. Mostly.

The rest of the plot doesn't really matter, as it's basically a Swedish homage to the inbred family, Backwoods Horror flicks that the U.S. seems to churn out so regularly; unsuspecting travelers are lost in the wilderness, and are set upon by murderous locals and are tortured. That's the gist of it all.

Now that's a scene that could have gone in an interesting direction...

It's a shame that the movie was so odd and lackluster, because it had a promising opening scene in which a girl escapes her captor, is chased through the woods and I think- seriously, I couldn't tell for sure- that when caught, the hillbilly kicks her tummy and a baby shoots out. I'm not being a smart ass here, I'm pretty sure that really happened. The last scene was disturbing as well, as was the gay rape that took place somewhere in the middle, so this one at least has shock value working for it. They even crushed a rat. The gore at least delivered.

Romance.

The thing that makes this a movie we don't want, is the same old boring story, the uneven feel and tone of it all, the cheesy acting, and the myriad of boring scenes that we really wanted to fast forward through. Maybe having three directors making three different movies at the same time isn't such a great idea. You can see some salvageable parts here and there, but it really feels more like a collage of crazy in the end.

There's nothing funny about it, girls. Not at all.

The whole Swedish movie pretending to be set in the U.S. and doing a horrible job of it really threw us off. Then again, so did random awfulness like our cheerleader breaking into some cheerleader moves while waiting to fill the car up with gas. A lot of it was just WTF material.

We don't necessarily hate it, but we still don't want anything to do with it ever again, and we certainly can't recommend that you watch it either. Unless you like movies that suck. Then, you will love this one.

This movie might not have been good, but Swedish chicks are always good... usually.