VOD Review: Jeruzalem (2016)

"The part with Jewish Colverfield was cool. We'd watch a whole movie about him."

So not only is Jeruzalem a Found Footage flick, which presents its own set of unique problems, but it's one that felt the need to jump on the "technology appearing on-screen" bandwagon, which does it no favors either.  

We didn't hate the movie, but all of the Facebook posts, text messages, random songs, Wikipedia, cat videos, etc... all popping up on-screen at different times got annoying, and felt like a cheap gimmick after about 10 minutes.

#Horror, L.A. Slasher, and Unfriended all utilized that crap to different degrees, and in different ways, and they all sucked.


Jeruzalem reminded us more of its Apocalyptic Found Footage kin As Above, So Below (which we actually liked) than it did any of those aforementioned travesties though, so at least there's that.

After receiving a pair of Smart Glass glasses from her Father, Sarah and her friend Rachel decide to take a trip to Tel Aviv, Israel, which sounds like a great party destination (please note sarcasm) for two young girls from L.A. While on the plane, they meet a sexy, mysterious history student (or maybe he just really likes history), who convinces the girls to forget Tel Aviv and come with him to Jerusalem, because that's obviously a much bigger party town. They gladly accept.

YOU DUMB, DUMB AMERICAN GIRL.

In Jerusalem, they find a hostel run by a shady playboy named Omar, who offers the girls hashish, and clearly has a plan to impregnate the stupid blonde one, because she's obviously a whore. I mean, she has a boyfriend back home who she says she's crazy about, but then is all like "Let's live a little" once she's out of his sight, which apparently means "I'm going to bang some random dudes in Israel!"

LIVING THE STEREOTYPE.

Anyway, while the girls party with Omar and History Guy, things begin to happen in the city around them involving the Israeli Air Force dropping bombs; the Jewish version of Cloverfield roaming around and crushing everything in its path; and a bunch of Demons coming out of a gateway to Hell, and eating people to death. So the basic lesson here is don't be a whore in Jerusalem or else you'll open up a Gateway to Hell and doom everyone around you to a painful death.

Shaky-Cam Armageddon ensues.

SO, THAT'S LIKE A BIBLICAL STD OR SOMETHING, RIGHT?

We really liked the parts of this movie that worked. The idea that Jerusalem is a gateway to hell is pretty interesting, and we love the idea of seeing what would happen when that gateway opens up. The almost claustrophobic location of the backstreets of Jerusalem made an excellent setting for such a story, as it really is a beautiful, unique city.

The Demons in this movie looked pretty cool, and whatever that massive, Cloverfield-like Demon that was roaming the streets was awesome (too bad they didn't do more with that.)

We also liked how the movie used Smart Glass as the device to make its First Person POV aspects a bit more believable. The movie still fell victim to the usual "Why are they still filming?!?" trope that drives us endlessly mad, but at least it felt more plausible here.

THAT THING WAS AWESOME.

All of that said...

It really annoys us when people in a Horror movie act as if they've never seen a Horror movie before. Has one of the Gates of Hell opened up nearby, and are you being chased by the Demons that are pouring out of it? Well, no need for silence while you're trying to avoid them and hide, because maybe they're deaf or something. Go ahead and talk loudly, maybe even scream. There's nothing unrealistic about that.

Dumb, unrealistic decisions were made by the characters throughout. 

EXACTLY. SHUT UP!

As with most Found Footage movies, the problems of Jeruzalem lie in its mechanics. Alright, so the girl is wearing glasses made of Smart Glass (which explains the camera constantly filming everything), but we sure did see a lot of things that she probably wouldn't be looking at. In one scene, she and two others are riding bicycles (?!?) to escape some Demons or something, and instead of her looking straight ahead -because you'd think that the narrow, dark, uneven streets ahead of her would command her attention, especially when she's terrified and fleeing impending doom at a brisk speed- we see her handle bars, and then her looking over to her friends when they speak, which causes her to crash the bike.

That's only one example, but things like that happen throughout the movie. 

I get that it's a POV-style movie, and only seeing what she sees in front of her would get old pretty quick, but that doesn't excuse how cheap and gimmicky it felt at times.

SO SHE SET HER GLASSES ON THE GROUND, FACING UPWARDS?

Oh, and the "I miss my brother so much" plot twist, which wasn't ever developed all that much, but that you could still see coming from a mile away, went absolutely nowhere. And don't even get us started on the ending. What in the hell was that?

FACT: ISRAELI SPECIAL FORCES ARE SO GOOD THAT THEY DON'T EVEN LOOK AT WHAT THEY'RE SHOOTING AT.

American girls should never travel abroad. Also, Your little princess isn't sleeping, Dad, she's getting stuck like a slutty pincushion.

SURE, DAD. SHE'S SLEEPING. RIGHT.

Jeruzalem was entertaining enough. We liked its premise, and we loved some of the monsters that we saw (especially that giant), but in the end, what could have been a great movie was done in by the same old, stale Found Footage tropes that we've really come to hate over the past few years.

If you don't mind the issues that are present in most Found Footage/POV flicks, then this one is decent enough for you to rent.

C

Jeruzalem is available now in Limited Theatrical release, and on VOD.

Yael Grobglas is in this. She's also got her own little Horror Hottie post right over HERE.

VOD Review: The ABCs of Death 2 (2014)

It's hard to rate a anthology film like The ABCs of Death as one movie, with one grade, as there are 26 filmmakers giving us 26 wildly different short films here, each of which is going to differ in quality, for better or worse. If we're being truly objective about it, we'd rate each short film and then come up with some sort of a median grade for all of them as a whole.

We are absolutely not going to do that though, for multiple reasons.

So whatever grade we assign to this movie, or any other Horror anthology film, it will be for the overall experience of it as a whole. The sum of the parts, if you will.


We found the first ABCs of Death (our review HERE) to be pretty entertaining overall. It was big, bold, and its good aspects outweighed its bad, even if it was only slightly. With The ABCs of Death 2, we get more of the same, and even if there is no short in this collection that stands out quite like D is for Dog did in the first movie, there are some really great efforts to be seen here. A few are even exceptional.

Below, we'll give a brief summary of all 26 short films, and we'll do our best not to spoil any of their reveals for you. Also, we'll only be using pictures for the entries that we really liked, so that they stand out a bit more.

A is for Amateur (Directed by E.L. Katz) This first entry takes place in an air vent, showcasing a bumbling hitman that isn't quite the assassin he imagines himself to be. Aside from the silly ending, we liked this one. 

DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB.

B is for Badger (Directed by Julian Barratt) This one, about Mother Nature giving a jerk of a TV Show host exactly what he deserves, was supposed to be funny, but it did nothing for us.

C is for Capitol Punishment (Directed by Julian Gilbey) A small town lynch mob dispenses their own brand of justice to a man accused of killing a young girl. This one was pretty good, and fairly nasty on the violence front.

D is for Deloused (Directed by Robert Morgan)  An odd, creepy, nightmare that is told through the magic of claymation, this one reminded us of something you'd see in a Tool video. Pretty damned creative.

"I AM JUST A WORTHLESS LIAR. I AM JUST AN IMBECILE."

E is for Equilibrium (Directed by Alejandro Brugues) Two men who are shipwrecked on an island come to blows when a hot chick washes up on shore. A bit too goofy for our tastes, especially the ending.

F is for Falling (Directed by Aharon Keshales and Navot Papushado) The directors of Big Bad Wolves bring us this interesting short about an Israeli soldier hanging in a tree, and what happens when an Arab soldier finds her. Strong commentary, and a solid entry.

YOU KNOW WHAT CAN BRING ABOUT WORLD PEACE? MORE CLEAVAGE.

G is for Grandad (Directed by Jim Hosking) A jerk-off grandson finds out that his grandad isn't quite the wanker that he makes him out to be. Literally. This one was fun in an odd way, and the ending made us cringe.

H is for Head Games (Directed by Bill Plympton)  An odd bit on animation that was really not our thing, we checked out Twitter messages during this one. Blah.

I is for Invincible (Directed by Erik Matti) This one, which involves a family trying to off their matriarch to get an inheritance, was pretty fun and gruesome, if a little bit silly.

J is for Jesus (Directed by Dennison Ramalho) A solid entry about two priests trying to exorcise the gay out of a guy, and how the guy's father learns that his son isn't the one possessed. Not bad.

K is for Knell (Directed by Kristina Buozyte and Bruno Samper) A woman on a balcony witnesses everyone in nearby apartment buildings being murdered, and then finds herself in danger. This one didn't make a lot of sense in the end, but it's the one that we liked most out of the 26 entries. Creepy stuff.

WTF IS GOING ON HERE?

L is for Legacy (Directed by Lancelot Oduwa Imasuen) This goofy, cheesy story a tribal sacrifice and a dude in a bad monster suit, left us cold.

M is for Masticate (Directed by Robert Boocheck) This slow motion entry, about a guy causing havoc while running down the street, was entertaining, and the ending made us laugh. Nice job.

METH: NOT EVEN ONCE.

N is for Nexus (Directed by Larry Fessenden) We wanted to like this one, about a group of costumed people converging on the streets on Halloween, but it just came off as dumb to us. I mean, what kind of an idiot rides a bike in a Halloween mask while talking on the phone? Meh.

O is for Ochlocracy (Mob rule) (Directed by Hajime Ohata) This one was a nice spin on the overdone zombie genre, and was definitely one of the better entries of the 26.
 

PRETTY COOL PEZ DISPENSER.

P is for P-P-P-Scary (Directed by Todd Rohal) This bunch of bullshit fuck-baggery made us want to punch someone. Honestly, if we had been in a room with this Todd Rohal guy while watching this tripe, he would have caught a smack. Or three.

Q is for Questionnaire (Directed by Rodney Ascher) This was a fun one, even though we're not quite sure what the point of it was. Nice bit of gore at the end too.

R is for Roulette (Directed by Marvin Kren) The more we think about this one, the more we like it. It took us a second to realize what happened at the end, but once we realized what Marvin Kren had done, we were duly impressed. One of the best entries of the collection.

NEXT TIME, PLAY WITH A 9MM; THE GAME WILL GO FASTER.

S is for Split (Directed by Juan Martinez Moreno) This one, about a husband on the phone with his wife as a hammer-wielding intruder is chasing her around the house, was pretty intense and satisfying. The reveal at the end made it extra fun.

"SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT DINNER ISN'T READY YET?"

T is for Torture Porn (Directed by Jen and Sylvia Soska) Expected way more from these two, as American Mary was such A great flick, but this short is a pandering mess. Easily one of the worst shorts of the 26. *It really hurts me to say that.

U is for Utopia (Directed by Vincenzo Natali) Ugly people do not fare so well in this dystopian society where the beautiful ones rule. This short boasts top-notch visuals and was a lot of devilish fun, even if the message was a pretty fucked up one.

WE ASSUME THAT THEY ALSO HAVE A "NO FATTIES" POLICY AS WELL.

V is for Vacation (Directed by Jerome Sable) This one got on our nerves, mainly because the one guy was an annoying dick, but it's a pretty effective and nasty effort, none the less.

W is for Wish (Directed by Steven Kostanski) This one was pretty great at the beginning, as it reminded us of the toy commercials that populated our Saturday morning cartoon-watching, but it didn't finish quite as strong. A fun watch though.

X is for Xylophone (Directed by Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustilo) For the love of Christ, does Beatrice Dalle always have to play the creepiest bitch in the universe? Whoever would hire her to babysit their kids deserves exactly what they get. Grisly ending here.

Y is for Youth (Directed by Soichi Umezawa) Another great entry, this one deals with a teenage girl who grows tired of her parent's shit, and the price they pay for earning her contempt. An odd, but great entry.

OH, JAPAN. ONLY YOU.

Z is for Zygote (Directed by Chris Nash) A woman, pregnant and abandoned by her husband, is determined to keep her unborn baby in the womb so that it can't leave her too. This one was just disturbing as hell, and equally as weird. And good.

The ABCs of Death 2 is a solid sequel that improves upon the first film, for the most part, and it should greatly please those Horror fans who like their stories short and sweet. It's definitely worth a rental.

B

The ABCs of Death 2 is available now on VOD, and is in theaters on October 31st.

The ABC's of eye-candy.

VOD Review: Big Bad Wolves (2014)

The Fundance 2014 premiere of Big Bad Wolves was held at the historic "VOD In Our Living Room Theater" and boy, what a turnout! *Us. The turnout was basically us.

It's not going to be easy to discuss Big Bad Wolves lest we delve into spoiler territory, so we're going to go short form on this one.

The Israeli Horror scene isn't very prolific in the film world. In fact, as far as we're aware, there have only been two Horror Movies that are Israeli made; the worthwhile Rabies (2012), and now, Big Bad Wolves.

Since both movies are written and directed by Aahron Keshales and Navot Papushudo, we can assume that at this time, the entire Israeli Horror Scene is basically made up of Aahron Keshales and Navot Papushudo.

More Israeli Horror films are surely coming, but for now, they seem to have that that particular market on lock.

We can understand why filmmakers from Israel may not be all that keen on making Horror movies; the country and its people deal with death and violence on a daily basis, and have done so for decades. That kinda makes the idea of Israeli-made genre films a silly one, because on screen horrors simply pale in comparison, and they may even seem disingenuous in some ways.

I just can't imagine audiences lining up to see these kinds of movies in Israel. I could be wrong, but there it is.

Rabies and Big Bad Wolves put an odd and fun bent on the "traditional" Horror archetype though, and thus, they've both felt pretty fresh and exciting. So maybe Israeli Horror can buck the norm and grow to be a thing, right?

Big Bad Wolves opens with a group of kids playing hide-and-seek in slow motion, which means that at least one of them is going to end up missing or dead. You know that, right? Especially in this movie, where a series of grisly child murders has plagued the local community, in which the victims are all found headless... amongst other things.

Damn, dude.

Miki (the Cop) is sure that the local Bible Studies Teacher, Dror (the potential Creeper) is responsible for the killings, so he hires some thugs to beat a confession out of him. When a video of the "interrogation" ends up on Jewish YouTube, Miki is quickly demoted, and taken off the case. Enter the father of the latest victim, Gidi, who is hell-bent on getting answers out of Dror, using any means necessary.

What follows is the lives of the three men intersecting, and a lot of torture. That's all we're saying about this one.

We'll also say that a Father's love sometimes involves a hammer.

This movie really does play like an odd sort of Fairytale which feels a lot like 2013's Prisoners in some ways, what with its missing kids and parents who are out for answers, and more importantly, vengeance. It's dark, sometimes creepy, and all kinds of violent and disturbing, but it's also funny. The funny bits don't detract from the Horror of it all though, rather they just add to the movie's likability.

Keshales and Papushudo are obvious huge genre fans. They cite Tarantino, The Coen Brothers, Breaking Bad and The Sopranos as being all you basically need to know about genre filmmaking, and while we'd add plenty of other names and titles to that list, they certainly have the right idea. With Big Bad Wolves, these two deliver a solid and often times great genre entry of their own, which manages to improve on their first feature film, Rabies.

The Cop, the Father, the suspect, the Grandfather... the cast of this movie did a great job with their roles, and it makes us want to look them up on IMBD and seek out their earlier works, Lior Ashkenazi and Tzahi Grad, especially. Everyone just felt so natural in this movie, and they all did a great job of balancing the comedy with the drama. The guy with the blowtorch was our fave though. We really liked him.

This guy right here.

 

We could have done without the "phone call during the torture" scene, and we would have liked to have seen a bit more of a "resolution" at the end, but those are fairly minor complaints.

Butternut froze in place, swearing not to get involved in the pending fracas between the Arab and the Jew. Not this time.

 

The very last shot in the movie. We absolutely loved it, and would really like to share a screen shot of it with you, because it was just so great, but it also frustrated the shit out of us. It's directly tied to another shot (two, even) in the movie which... we can't say any more about! Let's just say that the Police in this movie really suck. Great stuff, but the bumbling actions of the Police just gave us fits.

You don't demote the best Cop on The Force for being effective!

The movie is about murdered children and torture, so you know that you're going to get some pretty graphic scenes here. The torture scenes are obviously the worst of it, but there are some less gory scenes throughout the movie that are every bit as disturbing as the visceral ones are.

Happy Birthday, sweetheart.

Nothing naked to be found here, which is a good thing, because there weren't really any women in this movie.

The scene in the park with the dog had us laughing so hard that we had to pause the movie. What a great touch.

Worst hiding place ever.

Don't fuck with old Jewish men, and especially their families, because they will absolutely pull your card. Also, someday we'll be able to look back and say that we were there for the birth of Israeli Horror Cinema, and that's a pretty awesome thing.

Big Bad Wolves is one of the most enjoyable movies that we've seen in a while. Sure, its subject matter is really nasty, and not very enjoyable, but the way that the filmmakers made such awful events play out was really great. It's not a perfect film, but it certainly isn't far from it. This movie will definitely be in our hands the day that it hits Blu-ray, as we'll be happy to revisit the story often.

Don't miss out on this dark and twisted gem, as it's destined to be one of 2014's best genre offerings.

Big Bad Wolves is available now on VOD.

A

No chicks in this one, so here are some extra photos from Big Bad Wolves instead, because, why not?