September 30, 2009

The Complete List

This is not only a running tally to help keep things orderly as we go, but it's also a handy reference to look back on after we're finished. The Top 31 Hidden Gems of the 2000's 1- Trick r' Treat (2009) 2- Haute Tension (2003) 3- Session 9 (2001) 4- Let the Right One In (2008) 5- Paranormal Activity (2009) 6- The Children (2009) 7- Martyrs (2008) 8- Inside (A'Linterieur) (2007) 9- Battle Royale (2000) 10- Below (2002) 11- Dog Soldiers (2002) 12- Splinter (2008) 13- Baby Blues (2008) 14- Frontiere(s) (2008) 15- Dead Snow (2009) 16- Black Sheep (2006) 17- The St. Francisville Experiment (2000) 18- [Rec] (2007) 19- Them (Ils) (2006) 20- All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (2006) 21- Alien Raiders (2009) 22- Home Movie (2008) 23- Slither (2006) 24- Killer Movie (2009) 25- Fritt Vilt (2006) 26- Ghosts of Mars (2001) 27- Dead in 3 Days (2006) 28- Tokyo Gore Police (2008) 29- Rovdyr (2008) 30- The Breed (2006) 31- Teeth (2007) The Top 31 Train Wrecks of the 2000's 1- The Haunting of Molly Hartley (2008) 2- When a Stranger Calls (2006) 3- Blood: The Last Vampire (2009) 4- Halloween II (2009) 5- House of the Dead (2003) 6- The Fog (2005) 7- The Happening (2008) 8- Repo! The Genetic Opera (2009) 9- Bloodrayne (2005) 10- The Wicker Man (2006) 11- Twilight (2008) 12- Prom Night (2008) 13- Cthulhu (2007) 14- Shutter (2008) 15- Alone in the Dark (2005) 16- The Hitcher (2007) 17- One Missed Call (2008) 18- They (2002) 19- Van Helsing (2004) 20- April Fool's Day (2008) 21- Cursed (2005) 22- The Village (2004) 23- The Covenant (2006) 24- Boogeyman 3 (2008) 25- Dark Water (2005) 26- Day of the Dead (2008) 27- The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007) 28- Return to Sleepaway Camp (2008) 29- Saw IV & V (2007/2008) 30- Diary of the Dead (2007) 31- A Haunting in Connecticut (2009)

The Honorable Mentions- The Hidden Gems

~The Honorable Mentions~
Most people will most likely not have heard of the 31 hidden gems that were about to unearth. We know them all. Other horror fanatics will know them all. You may. Don't feel bad if you don't though, because most of the movie going public doesn't either. I discover new flicks every day, and I spend hours upon hours searching for them... So whether they were buried by the studio, marketed wrong, passed over by audiences, too obscure, or just not give a fair shake in general, the underrated gems on this list deserve to be seen by lovers of horror everywhere. Before we begin the countdown, here are a few that just missed the list. Let's listen to what The Master has to say... The Master says: "Acolytes was a great little Australian flick about some teens that try to mess with a serial killer, and learn the hard way that serial killers aren't to be messed with. Especially by teens. Laid to Rest was a bloody, fun, low budget slasher flick that gave us a new horror icon to love. With a name like Chrome Skull, you either have to love him, or piss yourself when he starts walking towards you." The Master says: "The french gave us some good movies this past decade, and Malefique was one of the best of them. Creepy, dark, and full of satanic magic, it's right up my vampiric alley. WTF was with that doll though? May was one of those movies that reminded me of every girl I've ever dated... and why I was terrified of them all. The lesson here is you don't mess with someone's heart, especially when the bitch is creepy to begin with." The Master says: "Ooh, two zombie flicks! Outpost is a cool story about some Nazi zombies that tear the ass out of a bunch of tough guy mercs. The British sure love their WWII horror flicks, but at least they make them well. Pontypool is a zombie flick with not many zombies in it... sounds crazy, right? This one is more of a psychological screw job, a low burner that makes you feel as isolated as the small crew of the radio station does... I can't wait for the sequel."

The Honorable Mentions- Train Wrecks

~The Honorable Mentions~
You didn't think it would all be fun and games, did you? With the good we must take the bad, and this decade gave us plenty of the bad ones to take... and yes, it absolutely hurt to take them. Let's see how pissed off The Master is after watching these Train Wrecks... and yes, there are 31 movies worse than these ahead... The Master says: "Anaconda 3: Offspring- As if another giant rubber snake movie wasn't bad enough, we're supposed to accept one with David Hasselhoff as the hero? I thought that seeing him wrestle a cheeseburger in a drunken rage was sad enough, but this tops even that. And who was the genius that greenlit American Psycho 2? Let's take the whiny chick from That 70's Show and shit all over the brilliance that was American Psycho! I should drain them of their blood for such an insult!" The Master says: "Steven Seagal being fat and walking around for his 20 minutes of screen time earns him top billing in Against the Dark? He's so out of shape that his actions scenes are off screen even when he's on screen. "I'm going hunting!" Yeah, probably for another ham. Or some cake. And Bad Biology... don't get me started. Killer vagina and mutant penis fall in love... and then hump each other to death... and the penis runs away at the end! Seriously." The Master says: "Fear Dot Com... how about Fear Dot Suck? Moving on... How could they make a sequel to Return of the Living Dead, one of the best zombie movies ever, and turn it into such an absolute crap-fest of a joke? Rave to the Grave? I have an idea, why don't you hold a rave in my 2000 year old ass.

A few words about The 31 Days of Horror.

No countdown can be perfect. No list can be infallible. If I had another month I guarantee that the top 31 movies on tour month long countdown, both the bad and the good would change numerous times. We can celebrate, or decry, a bunch of movies that deserve it though, and that's the whole point. The only thing we can do is watch and share our opinion. Our opinions might suck, but at least we give them for people to mull over.  

The 31 Days of Horror is no more than that; us giving our opinions. I'm absolutely confident though that the 31 good movies we will count down are pretty damn good, and that the 31 bad ones suck pretty bad. If you don't agree with our choices, cool. At least we can still have fun!

There will not be movies like Saw, The Ring, 28 Days Later, Hostel, The Devil's Rejects, or any of the myriad remakes that populated the decade on our best of list. Instead, we're counting down the top 31 lesser known movies that causal horror fans and movie fans alike most likely missed, or don't even know exist. The Hidden Gems if you will. There will be no Frankenfish, Leprechaun 2: Back to Tha Hood, Retardead, Night of the Hell Hamsters, or Mansquito on our worst of list either. For the Train Wrecks, we're focusing on the bigger budget movies that were actually supposed to be taken seriously but failed. You know, the ones that really, really pissed us off. The ones we truly DO NOT WANT. So sit back and enjoy. Let's talk horror and keep the spirit of Halloween alive from the first day of October up until the sacred night itself.

September 28, 2009

Review: Trick 'r Treat (2009)

"Trick 'r Treat has finally arrived, and an instant October classic is born. "
I'm not going to reveal too much of the plot here, because the story in this movie twists, turns, overlaps on itself, and comes together in the end, and It would be a shame to spoil it for you. Instead, I'll give you the official Warner Brother's synopsis to chew on:

As a Michigander, Ohio has always creeped us out.
"It is said that Halloween is the night when the dead rise to walk among us and other unspeakable things roam free. The rituals of All Hallows Eve were devised to protect us from their evil mischief, and one small town is about to be taught a terrifying lesson that some traditions are best not forgotten. Nothing is what it seems when a suburban couple learns the dangers of blowing out a Jack-o-Lantern before midnight; four women cross paths with a costumed stalker at a local festival; a group of pranksters goes too far and discovers the horrifying truth buried in a local legend; and a cantankerous old hermit is visited by a strange trick-or-treater with a few bones to pick. Costumes and candy, ghouls and goblins, monsters and mayhem... the tricks and treats of Halloween turn deadly as strange creatures of every variety-human and otherwise-try to survive the scariest night of the year."

They should run.
There's also an evil little trick-or-treater named Sam that is all over the place in this one, wearing his creepy little burlap mask and Tricking those that refuse to give him Treats. What is it about this "Sam" that connects him to everyone in the movie? Why is he so creepy? Does he like candy apples? I won't spoil the movie's surprises by telling you anything here, but suffice it to say that he does like candy apples. And murder.

She likes murder too.
This movie was simply fantastic. I don't know that I've ever seen a movie that captured the spirit and atmosphere of Halloween as well as Trick 'r Treat does, and for us, it instantly became mandatory yearly watching for the creepy month of October. I hesitate to give out 10/10 scores, because to me that implies a sort of perfection (and nothing is ever truly perfect), but after watching this brilliant little movie, I have no other choice.

Trick 'r Treat has a very lighthearted feel about it, and yet it also gave us plenty of tension and fear to chew on. This movie wasn't very "scary," but it definitely had moments that thoroughly creeped us out; creepy masked people standing and staring usually does that to me though.

Beyond creepy.
Trick 'r Treat is a fresh, imaginative, gorgeous, atmospheric, creepy little horror movie... and isn't that a rarity these days for Hollywood. It's not a remake or sequel, nor is it a cookie-cutter PG-13 Abercrombie ad-looking snoozefest, and yet it works, and works very well. Maybe Hollywood should stop sticking movies like this on the shelf for years at a time and you know, release them. They can keep Saw XXI, we won't mind.

This movie has also given us an new all-time great horror icon in Sam, the creepy little costumed kid who may just be the physical manifestation of the spirit of Samhain
itself. I hope we get to see more of him in other movies, or at least comic books or something; he was a truly awesome character.

Oh boy... you should have given him that Twix bar!
I wanted more than 82 minutes of this movie. The Blu-Ray has deleted scenes on it, but I want them in the movie! Argh! Yes, I'm pouting.

"Why didn't you clean your room?!?"
I'd really like to know what possessed Warner Brothers to keep this one on the shelf for the better part of two years. Worse still, how could a Halloween flick this fun not get some sort of an October theatrical run? Not even a limited one? Hollywood politics really sucks sometimes, and I'm tired of the Horror genre suffering for it.

This movie would have killed at the Box Office

Anna Paquin is not pleased with Warner Bros. either, and rightly so.
There was a good deal of blood and nastiness sprinkled throughout this one. I'll stay mum on the specifics so as to preserve the fun of the kills for you, but I will say that candy can be dangerous.

Alright, this picture is fairly specific, but it's too good not to post.
We get a quick boob or two here or there, but for the most part the sexy parts are sexy with no nudity.

Treats. They are definitely treats.
"You gotta be fucking kidding me." or "My, my... what big eyes you have."

Big eyes indeed.
Halloween is truly a creepy day. Also, don't chince on the candy.

Also, don't piss Sam off.
This is truly a special movie that managed to live up to, and in some ways even surpass, the hype that has surrounded it for so long. I don't know if it's a truly perfect movie, but I can say that it was a perfect Halloween movie-going experience for us. I wish it had been a bit longer, but aside from that, this is a fun, nasty little trip into the world of All Hallows' Eve that everyone needs to take for themselves.

Do not miss out on this one.


Trick 'r Treat is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Let's take a closer look at Sam; the mascot of Trick 'r Treat, and the physical embodiment of Halloween itself. He's an instant classic, that one.

Oh, and if you're dismayed because you were expecting to see The Ladies of Trick 'r Treat in this section instead of Sam, fear not... we gave them their own post! Click HERE to check them out.

September 27, 2009

Quick Review: The Haunted World of El Superbeasto (2009)
Lately, I'm at a loss for words when it comes to the film career of Rob Zombie. Halloween 2 was one of the worst movies that we saw this year (and decade); he's planning on remaking The Blob, with a creature that isn't a blob (?!?); and now this...

For us, El Superbeasto was painfully bad. It looks great, and the voice actors have nothing at all to be ashamed of, but it's such a vulgar and random mess of lame crap, that the the good parts failed to matter to me... and I like vulgar. I LOVE VULGAR. I really think though, that Rob Zombie uses vulgarity so much because he just doesn't know how to do anything else.

For instance, the main character is playing an Italian guy in a porn movie, and he's about to have sex with two girls and says "How do you-a like-a my cannoli now, 'eh?" Funny line! Right? Unless you're a 12-year-old boy, no. I mean, who else is that supposed to appeal to? Dirty comedy is great, but it's got to be clever, or it just feels like dirt for the sake of dirt.

Enough with the nods to the old school Horror and oddities of way, way back Rob, it's not clever anymore. We get that you like old and weird shit, but not many other people do, hence why it's not around anymore. You're supposed to be a fresh, vibrant voice in the modern day Horror scene, and instead it's looking like you're more of a one trick pony than anything else. Your next project better be stellar, Rob Zombie, because one more strike makes three, and at that point, you can go fuck yourself.

My feelings exactly.
Random and endless curse words, cartoon sluts, cartoon boobs, cartoon porn, jokes that aren't funny, annoyingly kitschy sound effects... The 15-year-old Adult Swim crowd might like this movie, but it's lost on me, and not because I don't get it; stupid shit like this just isn't funny to me anymore. As juvenile and moronic as I can be in everyday life, my brain has moved past this kind of crap.

My 15-year-old self would have probably loved it though.

Here are some more pics from the movie. That is all.