September 2, 2009

Review: Train (2009)

"This is the movie that was originally supposed to be the Terror Train (1980) remake..."
Cast Members of Note- Thora Birch, Gideon Emery, Gloria Votsis.

Hostel 3 Train starts off with a dead body being sliced up and skinned either on a train, or near a train. Maybe in a train yard. Either way, there was a train involved somehow. The point of the whole thing is that the train is scary and full of people that will do scary things to you if you decide to hop on board and go for a scary ride through a scary Eastern European country.

I've never seen a girl look so dirty, and yet so clean.
Of course, a bunch of American college students are lured aboard said hostel train by by some Ukranian whore, and everything quickly goes to hell. It doesn't help that they're all wrestlers either, because you can't wrestle so good with no skin. Or feet. Or eyes, for that matter. Eh, the story doesn't really matter, just enjoy the violence. 

EYE wonder what's going to happen next.
Our pillow-chested final girl (Thora Birch) gets put through the wringer aboard the hostel train, being chased around by sweaty Croatian maniacs, nearly being raped, watching her friends be tortured and killed, watching her girlfriend be carried off to a military rape-camp... one has to wonder will she ever be able to wrestle again? 

Oh, she'll wrestle again alright... she'll wrestle.
This was a flawed movie to say the least, but I found myself enjoying it more and more as it went on. This movie is dangerously close to being a blatant ripoff of Hostel, and that's really odd to me since it was originally supposed to be a remake of the 1980 pseudo-classic Terror Train, and here it is ripping off another modern day "pseudo-classic." 

I think the real clincher here for me was the third act, and how Thora Birch just kicked its ass. I miss her in movies, as she's a heck of an actress. Also, she may have the best boobs ever. Those two qualities are more than enough reason to want to see her in more movies.

We want to see all three of you in more movies, Thora.
Why not just jump from the frigging train!

Or hide under it...
Rape, implied rape, attempted rape... how much non-consensual intercourse does one Torture Porn movie really need?

Even he got raped! (Not really.)
Not even two minutes in and someone is cut open and skinned, this movie is PLENTY brutal and should satisfy most Gorehounds out there looking for a crimson fix.

She's hooked. Zing!
Thora Birch in a soapy bathtub, the other chick in the shower, an orgy scene, golden showers... we get all kinds of kinky stuff in this one.

"We're not going to die. We're going home."

Traveling in Eastern Europe always ends in torture/death, especially for attractive Americans. Also, don't mess with female wrestlers. 

Go ahead, AXE her why she' so angry!
Annoying at first, better in the middle, and pretty cool by the end, Train is basically a guilty pleasure for me. If you like gore and blood, or even Thora Birch's boobs, it just might end up being one for you too. Check it out when you get the chance, just don't forget your grain of salt though...


Train is available now on DVD and VOD.

We love us some Thora, so much that there's an entire Hottie post dedicated to her below...


  1. my favorite thing about this review is the cheesy pun every time!

  2. Although I didn't enjoy this film all that much, there is literally nothing I dislike about Thora Birch, she's GREAT - you need to watch "Ghost World", she was in that.

    Oh, and for the ladies and "special" blokes:

    The Naked: Some dumb jock runs around a train in a jockstrap (to the best of my memory) and you get to see some weird nipple piercings from a weird guy, they were high points in an otherwise rubbish movie.