Screener Review: Hellraiser: Judgement (2018)

"Well, it's not the worst entry in the series."

Pleasure and pain. That's what it is to be a Hellraiser fan these days.

Remember a few years back when the fine lads over at Dimension Films gave us the cheap cash-in that was Hellraiser: Revelations? You can read our review HERE if you need a refresher, but suffice it to say that it was really bad, in a really big way. Well, it's seven years later, and they're at it again, but this time it looks as if they might have gotten it right. Or at least more right than they did with Revelations.

I mean, how could anything be worse than that piece of shit was?

Pinhead is trying his best to adapt to modern times, because it ain't easy luring new souls to their doom, because the Internet is full of porn or something. Enter The Auditor, who has a plan to bring the best sinners on Earth to Hell. Craigslist!

HE NEEDS A NEW COMPUTER.

On Earth, a child murderer is lured to a house with the promise of a reward. There he meets The Auditor, who straps the creep to a chair, and hooks him to an intravenous typewriter, which records his sins. Then, The Assessor comes in, eats the pages of liquid confession, and pukes it into a tube, where it's sent to a trio of naked, faceless chicks (The Jurys) for them to run their hands through, so that they can pronounce him guilty. Then he's licked clean by a trio of old ladies, after which the morbidly obese Butcher comes in and lets a chick in fetish gear out of a sack, where she slices the pedo up.

IT'S A COMPLICATED PROCESS.

Elsewhere, there's a Serial Killer on the loose called The Preceptor, who kills sinful souls who dare break any of the Ten Commandments. A trio of detectives (two brothers and a hot chick) are hot on his trail, which leads one of them to the very same house where The Auditor awaits him. From that point on, it's Cenobites trying to claim souls; Angels trying to save them; and clueless humans trying to catch a murderer.

Somehow, this all ties together. You'll see.

"YES THAT LOOKS LIKE A CLUE TO ME."

I'll say this: The movie opens strong, and when it's focused on the hellish side of its story, it's fairly impressive. The FX work is solid, and it all feels dirty and forbidden in a dark way. The Auditor was a pretty cool addition to the Cenobite ranks, and he gave us a Dr. Channard vibe, in a way. The inclusion of Jophiel the Angel was really cool, and it would have been nice to see the story focus more on her and her involvement with the darker aspect of things.

The big question though has to be "How was Pinhead?" Well, the Pinhead of Judgment came nowhere near Doug Bradley's perfect portrayal in the earlier films, but he was hell and gone better than the embarrassing Pinhead of Revelations, and he was pretty serviceable overall. It's definitely a step in a better direction.

Where the movie loses steam, is when it jumps to the detectives storyline. I know this was made on a small budget, but the talking and investigating made things grind to a halt, momentum-wise, more often than not.The plot was a bit busy and was sloppily executed in places, and the dialogue could have been sharper too.

Overall though, not bad at all.

THIS GUY HAS POTENTIAL.

Lots of blood and grotesque acts in this one, but some of the kills weren't shown in graphic detail. Must have been a budget thing. That opening sequence though... it'll make you queasy.

THE "JESUS WEPT" LINE WAS A MISSTEP THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LEFT OUT.

Sexy women abound throughout, though they mostly stay clothed. The Jury girls get naked and wet, and that's about it on the graphic nudity front.

SEXY, EVEN WITH NO FACE.

Hellraiser needs another big budget effort, and it desperately needs Doug Bradley back as Pinhead, if it's going to come close to the quality of the original movies.

LOVE THIS GUY.

I didn't hate it. I was waiting for Hellraiser: Judgment to be another cheap piece of shit that only served to lessen the Hellraiser name even more than the last five sequels did, but it got some things right, and did others pretty well, and I kinda dug it, despite its obvious flaws.

If you're dying to see a new Hellraiser flick, and can live with a few flaws, then give it a go. Just take it all with a grain of salt.

C+

Hellraiser: Judgment hits Blu-ray, DVD, & VOD now.

Hellraiser Judgment features a bevy of lovely ladies, but we're extra keen on Helena Grace Donald who played the angel, Jophiel. She special.

VOD Review: Jigsaw (2017)

"And you thought "The Final Chapter" meant it was over. Ha!"

(aka Part 8.)
Release Date: January 23rd (Blu-ray)
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Pete Goldfinger and Josh Stolberg.
Directed by: The Spierig Brothers.
Starring: Tobin Bell, Callum Keith Rennie, Laura Vandervoort, Matt Passmore, Brittany Allen, and Hannah Emily Anderson.

It's been 7 years since Saw 3D "ended" the franchise that probably should have ended with part 4, if not part 3. People love Jigsaw and his traps though, so you knew that Twisted Pictures and Lionsgate would milk it for all its worth. It's a billion dollar franchise, so someone out there will always want more.

The Spierig Brothers have a small but impressive body of work to their credit including Undead (review HERE), Daybreakers (review HERE), and Predestination (review HERE), and so with them at the helm, we had a reasonable amount of hope that they could breathe some life back into the franchise with Jigsaw, or at the very least, make it a "better than the last 4 " kind of entry.

And they did a pretty decent job.

5 people wake up in a room with buckets chained to their heads, and out of nowhere, Jigsaw's voice tells them that they're all evil fuckers that have to pay for their sins. That payment involves saw blades embedded in doors, which is pretty cute, because the series is called Saw.

HERE WE GO AGAIN.

After the initial game, the 4 remaining survivors realize what's going on, and they are forced to play Jigsaw's games, to atone for the shady shit that they did which caused harm to other people. One of them, Anna, seems up to the task of beating Jigsaw at his own game, which makes us wonder just who in the hell she really is.

HMM...

All the while, detectives Halloran and Hunt are finding bodies all over town that seem to suggest that The Jigsaw Killer is still alive and well, and is starting up his social rehabilitation program for social deviants again. With the help of a a pair of doctors (one of whom is a smoking hot redhead who looks like trouble), they race against time to find Jigsaw, and stop his newest game before another group of scumbags is killed in clever, and fairly fitting ways.

THAT'S GONNA HURT.

I've got to admit that I liked Jigsaw way more than I thought I would. It's not without its flaws,. but the heart of its series has always been the punishment that bad people receive via Jigsaw's judgment, which is played out via a series of brutal and painfully relevant games, and this movie has no shortage of that.

The Saw movies have always been great because Jigsaw, and his motivations, have always been intriguing as hell, and it was nice to see Tobin Bell back in action. There's something compelling about him as an actor, and as Jigsaw, you can't help but like the guy, what he does, and why he does it, because he's got a point.

You know what you're getting with the average Saw movie: bloody, creative traps; and a silly plot that makes you think "Hey, I could write movies!", but that's alright, because sometimes we're in it for the visceral thrill, and on that level, Jigsaw delivers.

READ THE DOOR, DUMMY!

This movie needed more Jigsaw, because at 75-years-old, Tobin Bell still plays a hell of a villain.

WE WOULDN'T MIND A RETURN IN SOME FORM OF AMANDA, EITHER.

The real problem with these movies after lets say, Part 3, is that their plots get so over-complicated and unbelievable, that they make us roll our eyes. It's like they kept coming up with implausible and very convenient ways to keep the series going long after its titular villain had been killed, and that irks us a bit.

Jigsaw is no different in that way, stretching our limits of believability and giving us two twists that existed only to allow another Saw movie to be made, albeit in a way that made sense.

NEVER TRUST A SEXY GIRL WITH AN ARM SLEEVE!

Lots of bloody goodness throughout this one, courtesy of Jigsaw's new traps. The bike trap and the laser were our faves.

THAT ONE WAS PRETTY GOOD TOO.

No such luck.

FOR SHAME.

The first Saw movie is one of the best Horror films of the new millennium, and even though Jigsaw, the 8th installment in the series, comes nowhere near the original in terms of quality, it keeps the spirit of the series alive and well, and gives fans another dose of the mayhem that they've come to expect from the films.

If you like the Saw series for what it is, then Jigsaw will most likely make you happy.

C+

Jigsaw is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Hannah, Laura, and Brittany: the lovely victims of Jigsaw.

VOD Review: Amityville:The Awakening (2017)

"Well, at least they tried."

We love Amityville flicks around here.

Th original is classic (the 2005 remake wasn't so bad either); part 2 is notable for some disturbing subtext; part 3... well, that was in 3D... and then the rest of the series' 18 installments are mostly trash involving dollhouses, Found Footage, and even a cymbal-banging monkey.

Some of those shitty "sequels" didn't even involve the Amityville house, and yet we've seen them all.

It's been a rough road for we Amityville fans as we've waited and hoped for a decent installment to come along and bring back some glory to the Amityville name... and unfortunately, this is not that movie at all.

It's not a real big mystery as to why this movie has been sitting on the proverbial shelf since 2014.

Belle is a brooding goth teenager who is particularly angsty these days because she was the cause of an accident that left her twin brother in a vegetative state. When her mother moves the family to a new house to be able to better care for her son, it's not long before weird things start to happen, and Belle begins to wonder if something is wrong with the house.

THAT HOUSE IS GOING TO EAT HER.

And of course there is something wrong with the house at 112 Ocean Avenue, because it's the damn Amityville house. The red room is still in the basement, and it's still radiating an evil ghostly presence, and this time the presence has set its sights on the comatose brother as its vessel... or maybe it's mom who's most susceptible to possession?

It doesn't really matter, because this is basically a family drama.

WHERE IS THAT PILLOW-SSNATCHING GHOST WHEN YOU NEED IT?

I'll give Amityville: The Awakening this much: it at least took place in the Amityville house, and the prodcuers did a great job of making it look authentic.

Aside from that though, and the fact that Bella Thorne is one of Hollywood's cutest redheads, and she's pleasant to look at, this movie plays like a Hallmark Channel movie with jump scares, and that's only good news if you're my grandmother.

Things get interesting towards the end, but everything else throughout is exposition, info dumps, and jump scares.

And Bella Thorne looking cute and angsty. I guess that's something.

I honestly wonder if this movie underwent a bunch of re-shoots or cuts, because it's crazy how generic the plot is, and how disposable most of the characters are. With such a notable cast, you'd think that they could have a decent little movie on their hands here, but actors like Jennifer Jason Leigh and Kurtwood Smith are wasted in this one, playing down to the generic, lackluster material.

I did like how the kids watched the actual The Amityville Horror, as that was a neat meta nod.

SHE'S SEEN BETTER ROLES.

Some nasty bed sores and a bit of gun violence are all we get here.

AND A HEAD WOUND. SHE SHOULD PROBABLY GET THAT LOOKED AT.

Not that kind of movie at all, but Bella Thorne looked good creeping around her haunted house in some boy shorts.

IF YOU NOTICE THAT BELLA IS PEELING WALLPAPER IN THIS PICTURE, THEN YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT OF THE SCENE.

As uninspiring and bland as Awakening is, it's still one of the best in the series behind Amityville 3-D... or maybe it's slightly ahead of that one, depending on how you feel about early 80's 3-D.

In any event, this is streaming for free right now, so if you're bored, are fan of Bella Thorne, or just have a deep-seeded need to see every Amityville flick that comes out like we do, you might as well give it a go.

D+

Amityville: The Awakening is streaming for free on Google Play.

Bella Thorne is the queen of long-delayed Horror movies: Amityville, The Babysitter, and Keep Watching are all finally seeing release this fall, after having been on the shelf for the past year or two.