VOD Review: Ghoul (2015)

Oh, Found Footage, why hast thou forsaken me?

We know that most FF/POV Horror flicks tend to suck, and we know that they aren't going to stop being made any time soon, but for the love of all that is holy, can we at least start trying to make them worthwhile?

The real problem with most FF flicks, aside from the fact that most of them are ridiculously unbelievable, is that they all basically do the same thing, in just about the same way. Some try admirably to be different and put a unique spin on things, but most never manage to be anything but predictable. That's pretty much the story with Ghoul.

Ghoul at least has an interesting premise going for it, in which a group of wannabe documentary filmmakers travel to the Ukraine, to investigate the rumors of mass cannibalism that happened there in the 30's. Aside from the fact that shooting a TV Pilot based on real-life cannibalism is about the dumbest idea that we've ever heard, the Ukraine is a great setting in which to unleash such disturbing subject matter. So, so far, so good.

The crew is lured to a remote farmhouse that was the site of a gruesome murder, with the promise of hearing the actual murderer's tale of death and cannibalism, first-hand. There, they meet a local witch, and decide to have a seance using a Russian Ouija Board carved into an old table, and an upside-down glass. Alright, still with you, I suppose.

WHAT KIND OF HALF-ASSED OUIJA BOARD IS THIS?

During the seance, they make contact with the spirit of Andrei Chikatilo; a prolific Russian Serial Killer who sexually assaulted and murdered more than 50 women and children between 1978-1990. We're not sure what that has to do with cannibalism that happened way back in the 1930's, or with Boris, the cannibalistic murderer who they're there to interview about his crimes, but hey, the dude was terrifying in life, so he has to be even more terrifying as a malicious spirit, right?

Well...

BORIS OR ANDREI?

The ghost of Chikatilo tells them they can't leave the farmhouse (something that the witch reaffirms over, and over, and over again), and that he wants them to eat each other, or some such shit. When you find out that one of the girls on the film crew is pregnant, then you can pretty much guess where the movie is going to go from there: Nowhere good.

WHAT WAS WITH THAT COAT?

Ghoul is actually a well-made movie that boasts a fantastic location which makes for the perfect setting for this kind of Horror flick. Early on, Ghoul is also a fairly creepy movie that builds up a decent amount of tension, even if that tension doesn't last all that long. The cast is surprisingly good in this one too, all of them bringing a natural feel to things. Of course, some of them turn out to be stereotypical Horror movie tools, but that's par for the course.

Ghoul's biggest problem was that it tried to do too much. It complicated things by complicating things, if that makes any sense. Was it about cannibalism, Serial Killers, ghosts, or Demonic possession? Yes! It's about all of those things, but not enough about any of them to make for a very coherent story.

The movie worked well enough until Chikatilo was brought in the story, where everything takes a turn for the mundane. The spirit of Chikatilo really serves no purpose here other than to bring some name recognition to the story, and I suppose, give us something even greater to to fear. When Chikatilo's evil plan is revealed though, it only serves to make things even more lame. This movie went from promising, to Genre Trope City, in a short time.

IN UKRAINE, MAN ONLY CRY WHEN DEATH.

To its credit, Ghoul actually built up a little bit if steam heading into its ending, but all of that quickly went away when we were treated to another shaky-cam trip through some winding corridors, only to find a "shocking" fate waiting for our characters at their end... and of course everything ends in an abrupt jump scare, and then the camera cuts to black.

Sound familiar? Well that's because 498 other Found Footage movies have ended in just about the same way.

YEAH, US TOO.

Ghoul is a decent enough movie that buckled under the weight of its own mechanics. Maybe at this point we're just burned out on Found Footage movies, and their overly-familiar tricks and tropes, but as the movie wore on it became less and less enjoyable, and got to the point where it was obvious how it was going to end.

At this point, I think we're far too jaded to be objective about a Found Footage flick like this, especially when it feels like every other one we've ever watched. Sorry, Ghoul, at last you had us going for a while.

You might like it though. You never know.

D

Ghoul is available now on DVD and VOD.

If nothing else, Jennifer Armour was the bright spot in this movie.

Blu-ray Review: Snowpiercer (2014)

(aka The Train of Life)
Release Date: June 27th Limited, U.S. 
Country: S. Korea, USA, France, Czech Republic.
Written by: Bong Joon-Ho and Kelly Masterson.
Directed by: Bong Joon-Ho.
Starring: Chris Evans, Song Kang-Ho, Tilda Swinton, Ah-sung Ko, Octavia Spencer, Jamie Bell, Luke Pasqualino, Alison Pill, John Hurt, and Ed Harris.

Snowpiercer has already been released in plenty of Countries around the World (its best to check IMDB for which ones, because it's a long list), but we here in The States won't be seeing it until June 27th, when it gets a Limited Theatrical release. Of course with Transformers Part 14 coming out that very same week, Snowpiercer will go largely unnoticed by audiences as they instead flock to see the latest big budget tent-pole juggernaut.

Shame, that, because Snowpiercer is a great movie that has plenty of subtext and substance to offer audiences... which is probably the exact reason that they will go and see the latest Michael Bay Gem instead.

So it turns out that Global Warming is in fact a real thing, and a trickier bastard than we could have ever imagined; you see, it tricked us into fighting it, and by doing so, we triggered a new ice age which pretty much killed all life on the planet... All life that is except for the life which still lives on the massive, global-spanning train called the Snowpiercer!

Yeah, the world is pretty much a big freezer now, and it's our own fault.

The Snowpiercer runs on a perpetual-motion engine, which means that it never stops traversing the null the system of tracks that its creator, Gingle*, laid out years before in his bid to dominate global rail travel. *We think his name was Gingle, or something close. We can't remember. Either way, it's pretty much life as usual aboard the Snowpiercer, at least as far as class systems go; the "Social Elite" live at the front of the train, and they have it way better than do the "Poor Losers" who live in the cars at the rear.

It's good to see that the old "put shoe on head" gag survives the apocalypse.

Curtis, one of the aforementioned poor losers, is tired of the pricks at the front of the train treating he and his people like slave livestock; they feed them only mysterious, nasty, gelatinous protein blocks; they periodically take their kids away, never to return them; and they have bacon. Of course this means that revolution in nigh, and so a plan to get to the front of the train and take control of the engine, is put into motion.

"We're here for the fucking bacon!"

Will Curtis and his band of usurpers make it to the engine and topple Gingle's evil New World Order? Will freedom and equality ever be had for all aboard the Snowpiercer? And what exactly is in those nasty protein bocks? Far be it from us to spoil anything for you here, but suffice it to say that things get pretty crazy, and it's mostly Tilda Swinton's fault. Her and those damned eggs.

"Put... this shoe... on your FUCKING HEAD!"

It's not a movie without flaws, but on the whole, Snowpiercer was one hell of a good time. We're suckers for a good Post Apocalyptic story, and when that story is full of action and interesting characters (played by great actors), we're even bigger suckers. We'll admit that some of the CGI looked like CGI, but we were so sucked in by the dire and cold atmosphere of the frozen world, and the bleak hopelessness of the train and its downtrodden, that it didn't ruin anything for us.

At its heart, Snowpiercer is a movie about the haves and the have nots of a Post Apocalyptic world. In this dystopian future, the rich and elite members of society want to keep the poor and unfortunate in their places, so as not to disturb the status quo. Sure, everyone aboard the train is alive, but it's really only the people at the front of the train who are living well. Everyone else exists to make that better life possible for those lucky enough to be living it. This is definitely a movie that is heavily steeped in metaphor.

The movie boasts one hell of a cast as well. Chris Evans has been the man for a long while now, and not just because of Captain America; the kid has proven that he has chops (both dramatic and comedic) time and time again, and with Snowpiercer, he's raised his dramatic game up to an even higher level. On the Korean side of the same awesome actor coin, is Song Kang-Ho; if you aren't familiar with South Korean films, then you're probably not familiar with his work, which is a shame. The guy has a dynamic range, and is a pleasure to watch in everything he's in. These two guys together, made Snowpiercer a better movie.

Everyone else was great in this one too, and I'm not going to list them all individually, but I will say that as someone who usually isn't the biggest fan of Tilda Swinton, she was ridiculously great here. It was honestly mesmerising watching what she did with her character, and our hats are off to her performance. We also didn't recognize Luke Pasqualino from Skins until after the fact, and it was fun to see him kick so much ass as Gray in this one.

These guys look like survivors of the Michigan Winter of 2014.

We would have liked to have seen a bot more of the "aftermath" of the movie's goings-on at the end. The build-up to the climax was great, but then the movie ended abruptly and left us with a lot of questions. Then again, we had a lot of questions before the movie ended too, so I don't know.

We just wanted more! *Answers and movie.

Oh right, because chickens survived the ice age!

That song. What in the hell was with that song!? Even worse were the Stepford Wife & her Demon Kids who sang it. Truly creepy.

There's a lot of quirkiness going on in this movie, and that's to be expected from anything written and directed by someone from South Korea, but man was that scene just odd and uncomfortable.

"Praise be to Gingle! Gweechy gwee!"

Violence and gore are all over the place in this one, because it's a movie about revolution! The nastiest bits come during the very South Korean-esque group fight scenes, and we all know that South Korean genre flicks do not shy away from the violence and gore.

Nope.

Don't ever go head-to-head with Captain America, because you will lose, sir! Also, it was not Soylent Green after all.

"Then what was it?"

Snowpiercer is a great Post Apocalyptic Sci-Fi flick, that will undoubtedly end up being a Cult Classic for most fans of the genre. If you like your action balanced with an equal amount of substance, and if you're willing to suspend your disbelief as far as certain plot elements are concerned, then you'll most likely love this movie as much as we did.

If not, then you always have Transformers 32 to look forward to this Summer. Either way, you win.

B+

Here's a special treat for all of you guys and gals that love the idea of seeing Chris Evans with his shirt off. Also, some Alison Pill.

Solomon Kane (2009/2012)

Here's my thing; why are they releasing this movie now? Filmed in 2008, and finished early in 2009, Solomon Kane has sat on a shelf looking for distribution ever since. It's available on DVD and Blu-ray in some parts of the world, while we here in the U.S. have had to import it if we wanted to see it.

Now, Solomon Kane has finally found a U.S. distributor, but why a Theatrical Release three years later?

The only thing we can think of is that the Weinstein's figured "Hey, let's try to squeeze some money out of it" since it's just sitting there gathering dust."

Whatever the deal is, at least the movie turned out to be rather enjoyable, even if it is flawed in many places.

We first saw Solomon Kane a few years ago, but I suppose now a review seems to be more relevant. Not really sure why we waited...

Solomon Kane is a bloodthirsty, plundering rogue, who loves to conquer things and kill people, and also steal treasures. He's basically a pirate. While on one of his plundering missions, he finds himself elbow-deep in a pile of gold when the Devil's Reaper shows up (his own personal reaper, mind you), and says that Kane's soul is damned to Hell because he's been such a bad boy.

"I didn't chooseth the thug life, the thug life choseth me!"

After narrowly escaping eternal damnation, Solomon runs off and hides amongst a bunch of monks, disavowing violence and greed, thinking that living the pious life will save his soul. They eventually tell him to piss off because he's too dangerous to live with, and so once again, he's on the run. He comes across a traveling family who takes him in, and through their good nature which beams from their innocent hearts, he learns how to love again...

... until most of them are slaughtered and their sweet daughter enslaved. Nice one, Solomon.

It's not long before Solomon says "soul be damned!" and sets off to rescue the kidnapped girl and avenge her dead pappy and such. I mean, he really has to, because he's the one that got them all messed up to begin with. No wonder the monks kicked him out. As you can imagine, all sorts of vengeance ensues.

Look out behind you!

Solomon Kane, Black Death, Ironclad, Season of the Witch, Outlander, Valhalla Rising... There's been a rebirth of sorts for the Medieval genre of late, each movie involved bringing their own special touches to the table. With Solomon Kane, we get a solid action flick with a supernatural bent, that boasts some cool looking monsters and SFX. We're particularly fond of the Devil's Reaper ourselves, and it's a shame that he wasn't in more of the movie.

He should have his own movie.

This movie has a nice supernatural feel to it, even if it's mostly played for its cool visuals and set pieces. Zombies, Witches, Demons, and Monsters of all sorts... the world of Solomon Kane is jam-packed with the thing of nightmares.

I am personally not the biggest fan of James Purefoy; he's a great actor, and I really have no reason not to like him, he just always rubs me the wrong way for some reason. In this movie though, I actually enjoyed watching him for a change. I have no idea why, so don't ask.

Is he casting a spell?

Solomon Kane as a whole was pretty good, but in certain places along the way it felt flat, as if there wasn't enough going on. It could just be our imaginations of course, but the whole thing just felt a bit uneven. I cant say why, either. Maybe it was simpler than we had hoped, and it could have delved a little deeper into the dark and bloody stuff... maybe it was just how the movie was edited.

...and then there's this guy. What's his deal?

The movie felt a bit rushed also. It barely established Solomon Kane as a nefarious bad man whose soul deserves eternal damnation, as well as Satan's personal attention, when all of a sudden he's repentant and living amongst monks. Then he's all like "my soul be damned, lets fight!," like his whole pious act was a big fake-out.

The bad guys in the movie are just kinda there, doing their bad guy stuff, and we never really knew why. As for the evil wizard behind it all, he doesn't even show up until the movie is almost over, and then doesn't do much. There were just a lot of characters and plot elements that weren't established very well here, rather they just either simply existed or showed up to give Solomon a bunch of antagonists to fight. Too much going on at once, that's the issue.

What are you even here for?

Solomon Kane is a fun and enjoyable Medieval romp, packed with plenty of cool-looking creatures and violence... so why has it been hiding from us for so long? Probably because it was a bit of a mess and they couldn't figure out how to market the thing. Still, it's is a pretty fun movie, and if you can just take it for what it is on the surface and not nitpick, you should be pleased with it.

C+

Rachel Hurd-Wood is a British Hottie who needs to be in more movies, especially those of the Horror persuasion.