December 30, 2011

It's nearly here...

The Worst Horror Movies of 2011

2011 certainly gave Horror fans everywhere more than a few clunkers. There are always good and bad movies that come into our lives, but sinking below all of the rest of them, are the worst of the worst. The movies that piss you off because you wasted time watching them, or were fooled into believing that they might be good. The ones that defile your sense of taste and make you question your own humanity. The ones that hurt.

Is this list in order, from the worst to the 10th worst Horror flick of 2011? Not really, because each in their own way was the worst genre movie of the year. Make a game out of it and make up your own order if you like. We just want to talk about them one last time, and then put them out of our minds as quickly as we possibly can.
More like "The Aching of our Balls." Yes, this movie was painfully tough to endure. Like a bad episode of Goosebumps with 1000 hollow CGI shots, some awful CGI blood, and an aimless and plodding story, Fading of the Cries manages to make a movie that makes even SyFy  Channel garbage seem like Schindler's List. Actually, Schindler's Fist would be appropriate, because sitting through this hack-job has to be similar to being fisted by a creepy Nazi. Seriously, it hurt so bad that we wished with all of our hearts for it to suddenly transform into Twilight.
The movie that we hated the most in 2011 was Rubber.This unfunny, self-important piece of shit actually made us physically angry while enduring it. We remember seeing the trailer last year and thinking how amazing Rubber looked; a killer tire with some sort of psychokinetic powers... that'll be fun! Nope, no fun to be had here. This is a perfect example of a movie and director thinking themselves too clever for their audience, when they're actually the retarded kids in the room. We'd rather throw puppies against a wall for 90 minutes than have to endure this fuck-hole of a movie again, and we love puppies. We genuinely love puppies.
Clive Barker, the creator of the Hellraiser mythos himself, said it best in regards to Revelations: "It's not even from my butthole." That just about says it all, doesn't it? Honestly, a 90 minute movie about Clive Barker's butthole would be more enjoyable than this celluloid taint of a movie. How in the world do you shit on one of the most iconic characters in Horror movie history so badly? Pinhead was a joke in this movie. Laughable. Pathetic. The overall story could have been alright, but the movie was so poorly made, that not even the best story in the world could have saved it from ruin. So maybe everyone involved needs to go study a certain gay Horror writer's butthole for inspiration, because everyone involved in this train wreck seriously needs some.
Originally, we "reviewed" this movie while watching it, via comments on our GetGlue account. Here's what we had to say:

"This movie is going to blow more than George Michael in a dirty rest stop. *For the record, we love Wham.
Is somebody kidding?.
Jesus fuck, even the music is painful. I'm pretty sure this singer is having a seizure. 
Yes! Please kill yourself so that you can heal immediately and... the movie can continue. Fuck.
Whoever wrote this shit ought to be beaten with a book. A big book.
Q: Which is worse, the writing or the acting? A: Yes.
Still haven't seen a werewolf...
What a surprise, a gaggle of shirtless guys.
This movie makes me long for Twilight... and that's the same thing as longing for death."
That should just about cover it.
As far as production quality goes, this may be one of the worst movies ever committed to film. Hidden 3D is a confused and as forgettable as they come. The script is shamefully bad, the acting isn't much better, and aside from running for 80 minutes or so, the movie does nothing at all. Whomever dropped the ball on this one should feel shame for tinkering around with movie that may have worked otherwise. Maybe. Evil bees. It's all about the evil bees.
So much hype preceded the release of this movie that we were crazy anxious to be able to see it. Once released, it seemed to be lavished with all sorts of love from the Horror community by and large, with some even calling it brilliant or visionary, or some such other nonsense. It's an amazing concept left to wander aimlessly through a slow, plodding storyline, that really ends up nowhere that isn't underwhelming. Walk, talk, sleep, act odd, repeat. That's what this movie is. Much of what we see on screen is pretty jarring and frustrating too, technically speaking. It was just a mess of a movie that we wish had been far, far better.
Another movie that made us wonder what in the hell horror directors are thinking these days was this mess of Darren Lynn Bousman's. I don't know that we saw a more dull or uneventful movie this year. Did he make 11-11-11 just to capitalize on the date? We hope so, because if he actually though he had a good script on his hands, were scared to trust his judgement anymore, going forward. Unremarkable, that's maybe the best way to describe this effort  It's one of those movies that you forget while still watching it.
How do you make a Horror movie aimed at tweens and not include any sex or blood in it? We can forgive a shitty story if there's a visual payoff, hell, that's what most of the slasher flicks in the 80's were; poorly made movies with tons of awesome sex and kill scenes. These days when filmmakers recycle cliche' old stories to cash in and make a few bucks off of dumb, unsuspecting kids, there's no effort involved, and usually very little payoff. In a Thriller like this, you kind of expect some thrills, don't you? Do assholes just phone it in and cash a check, thus spitting in our collective faces? Yes, yes they do. It's awful movies like this that make the "PG-13" moniker so dreaded.
We loved the whores in this movie, we cant lie about that. Everything else contained herein is definite face-palm material though. How did this cheap, poorly conceived and made movie end up getting a fairly healthy theatrical run? There's barely even any good blood or kills scenes in it, at least on screen. The multiple endings left us laughing and wondering if maybe the director and his crew were high on crack one weekend and decided to "Just shoot i man, it'll all make sense later!" It's not the worst of the year as many sites are claiming it to be, but it definitely is up there on the "WTF were they thinking" scale.
If you like the idea of a groovy gang of ghostly hepcats talking all "daddy-o" while lamely torturing a group of skanky bikers, then you should own this movie. The movie wasn't only poorly acted and poorly scripted, but we think it involved aliens of some sort, but we aren't really sure. It made that little sense... or maybe it just sucked so bad that we actively blocked out any sense it did make, you know, as a survival mechanism. this movie had no clue what it wanted to be, or maybe it did and it just couldn't make us give a shit.

Check below for the rest of the naughty list of 2011 movies...

The Worst of 2011: The Honorable Mentions

In this category, I'd rather be an also ran. Sure, these movies sucked, but there are 10 movies that sucked even worse than these did, so really, I'd rather suck less. The movies on this list are frustrating, confounding, confusing, ridiculous, messy, pointless or just plain bad.

We understand that making a movie is a tough job; even the worst of movies have a cast and crew of people behind them that break their ass, and try their absolute hardest to make something great, but they just fall short. For those folks, having their movie on a Worst of list should be a learning experience. It's the movies that sucked kid, not you. Take the feedback, learn from it, and make a better movie next time. Plenty of great filmmakers and actors have made some shit movies, and yet they rebounded just fine. Keeping telling your stories from the heart, and people will eventually listen.

For the other kind of filmmakers, the ones who either don't care, or think they're great when they actually suck, just give up now. This category is most reserved for studio execs who greenlight crap movies to turn a quick buck, and sucker well-intentioned fans into wasting their time and money on movies that had little or no effort and creativity put into them. You assholes need to stop wasting our time and money. There are filmmakers out there with talent and genuine passion that can use the resources and promotion that are wasted on your films, so give over and let them shine.

That being said, before we get to the 10 Worst flicks of the year, here are the also rans. It could have been worse, right?

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The Worst of 2011 is Coming...

This shit is nigh.

The Middlins of 2011

What exactly is a Middlin'? You know, it's like the old phrase "Fair to middlin'." It means Okay, decent, alright, not good but not bad. It means average. If a movie is Middlin', it's riding the middle between being good or bad. Think of it as a sort of limbo.

The movies on this years Middlin' list were either not good enough to be on any Best of list, or not bad enough to be on the Shit List. They all had equal amounts of good aspects and troubling issues. So then should you see these movies, if they're so average? Sure. If one of them strikes your fancy, give it a shot, You might love it. Just remember, you also might not.

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