Blu-ray Review- The Loved Ones (2010)

Valentines Day 2014 may be over, but that doesn't mean that the romantic Horror movies of the world just up and disappear!

The Loved Ones is one movie that we left off of our 10 Horror Movies to watch on Valentines Day list, mainly because we were just about to give it the full review treatment, so why repeat ourselves, you know?

The Loved Ones is truly a movie about loved ones. Sure, most of the love that goes on between people in this movie is either sad, creepy, or just plain disturbing, but it's still all love.

Brent is doing his best to get over the death of his father, who he killed with maverick Hot Rod driving. At least prom is coming up though, and he and his QT girlfriend can have themselves a nice time and forget about such tragic things. Being the sexy, edgy, bad boy of his High School, it's only natural that a lot of girls want Brent to be their date for the prom, especially Lola. Unfortunately for her, he says no her prom invite, which leaves her feeling quite unhappy.

This is Lola's "unhappy" face.

When Daddy kidnaps Brent for Lola, who is his little Princess, she is overjoyed; he's turned their living room into the creepiest dance hall ever, and now she and Brent can have the prom of her twisted dreams! Daddy ties Brent to a chair while she dresses up all fancy (which Daddy watches, wantonly), and with the knives, the drill, and syringe filled with bleach at the ready, the worst prom ever gets under way.

Looks like it could end up being a really good time.

When Daddy crowns his little Princess "Queen of the Dance," they end up slow-dancing with each other, and she tells him that he has always been the one for her... which leaves Brent out in the cold as far as any hopes of after-prom romance goes. No worries though, because they have a lobotomy and all kinds of torture in store for him, because that's just how psychopaths behave at a proper dance.

She really is Daddy's Girl. Yeah.

What follows next can only be described as being "a crazy cacophony of blood and violence, as only the twisted minds of Australian Filmmakers can bring us." That is to say that the shit hits the fan, goes in some crazy directions (the pit), and the prom does not end on a happy note for everybody involved... especially for the tragic character of Bright Eyes; all she ever wanted to do was sit there and watch, you know?

In this scene, the drill is about to hit the head.

The Loved Ones is a solid little Aussie flick that really pushes the boundaries of nastiness. It's a well-made film that balances a solid plot with elements of extreme gore and violence to bring us a story about the many kinds of love, and how most of them are just plain old dysfunctional.

There's even a subplot in the movie that is related to the main story, but functions as a sweet (if not dysfunctional) love story of its own. It was kinda cool to see a "normal" subplot unfolding amidst the craziness of everything else that was going on in this movie. This is one Horror flick that twists and turns in the right ways, and even takes you to a few places that you just don't expect it to.

Why writer/director Sean Byrne hasn't done any other movies since this one is beyond us, because the guy knows how to craft himself one hell of a Horror movie. Then again, they way that the distribution for The Loved Ones has dragged on for the last few years, it's very possible that he's been too busy trying to get this movie out there to think about doing another one. We hope that changes soon.

The real reason that The Loved Ones works so well, aside from the shameless amounts of blood and gore that it offers, is its cast, and especially its lead actress; if you aren't familiar with Robin McLeavy, then you're missing out on one hot little piece of talent. She's great on AMC's Hell on Wheels, and is even better here in the role of genuine psychopath. There's no way that this girl's career will go anywhere but up in the future, as she's one hell of an actress.

Everyone else in this movie does a solid job as well, but it really is Robin McLeavy's show.

"Oi!"

For a movie about an Australian prom, we found it a little bit discouraging that the music of Olivia Newton-John, Air Supply, Men at Work, Rick Springfield, or Kylie Minogue wasn't used at all!

"Under the Milky Way" by The Church could have played during the prom scenes, and the Bee Gees classic "How Deep is Your Love" would have been prefect for the scene where Lola and Daddy were creepy-dancing.

I mean, we don't even get any Bee Gees?!? WTF, Australia!

*Including "Not Pretty Enough" by Kasey Chambers was pretty perfect though, as was "Lonesome Loser" by The Little River Band.

"Crazy" by Icehouse would have been a perfect song for this movie. Perfect, we say!

If you've seen The Loved Ones already, then good on ya', because it's had one hell of a time getting to audiences over the past few years.

-It was released on the Festival Circuit way back in late 2009.
-It was released on UK DVD a year later in October of 2010.
-In November of 2010, it finally saw a Theatrical Release in Australia, which is the movie's country of origin. That seems completely ass-backwards to us, but alright.
-A year and a half later, in June of 2012, it finally had a Limited Theatrical Release in the U.S.

As of today, you can get a copy of The Loved Ones on Blu-ray if you have a Region Free Player, or if you live in the UK, Australia, France or Germany. Live in the U.S.? Then you can only get it on DVD.

The way that movie companies distribute and release their films in different markets across the world will never make sense to us. It's as if they don't realize that the Internet exists, and that movie lovers don't know what's going on in every corner of the world, at any given moment. Information travels worldwide now, Studios; seeing great trailers and positive reviews for movies that we want to see is frustrating if you don't plan on giving all of us a chance to see them, at least in some sort of timely fashion.

VOD is starting to fix this issues, to an extent, but the fact remains that far too many great movies remain unseen by the world at large because the worldwide distribution strategy implemented by most Studios is a joke.

My guess is that more people downloaded The Loved Ones for free rather than paying to see it, or paying to own it in the format that best suits their tastes, because they were never given the opportunity to do so legitimately.

That, my friends, is a perfect example of a crying shame.

The Loved Ones is a crazy graphic movie. We get to see feet nailed to floors, an attempted lobotomy with a drill, a man being eaten alive by mongoloids, hammer violence, meat cleaver violence, mutilation by knife, murder by car, and plenty of other disturbing acts. Salt is even thrown on open wounds.

This movie is a Gore lover's paradise.

That tattoo looks infected.

We get two instances of naked car sex, and we get to see Robin McLeavy change in front of her Daddy... who wantonly ogles her the whole time. Disturbing as some of it may be, it's all pretty subtle and fleeting.

Never shun the creepy girl at School. Also, sometimes even the sluttiest of sluts are really just looking for a hug. They have feelings too, man.

This picture is exactly what it looks like.

The Loved Ones is a wicked little movie that hasn't gotten the proper release (or recognition) that it deserves, which is really a shame. It's a gory Torture Porn venture that actually has a solid plot, looks fantastic, and boasts some really good performances, so what's not to love?

If you want to see this one, you'll have to stream it on Amazon Instant, order the DVD from Amazon, or import the Blu-ray (if you've got a Region B or Region Free Player), as it doesn't look to be streaming for free anywhere. Whichever way you go though, it will be well worth your time and money.

B+

Robin McLeavy, Victoria Thaine, and Jessica McNamee make for one sexy trio of Aussie hotness in The Loved Ones.

Quick Review: Knock, Knock (2012)

Knock Knock 2 is an apparent sequel (?!?) of a Lionsgate movie called Knock Knock, and neither movie has anything to do with each other aside from their titles, and an eye looking through a peephole on both of the movie's posters... which I'm sure is bound to upset the 17 people that actually saw that suck-job of a movie. The first one, I mean. Or the sequel, because that one sucked too...

I'm confused.

Knock Knock 2 is an uneventful mess of a movie about some wacky pranksters driving around in the middle of the night, on a "map-of-the-stars-homes" type quest to find haunted houses.

Like, houses in which people now live, that were supposedly haunted at one point or another. They read the map and say "Oh, let's go to this one!" Then they find the house, run around on the grass or peek in the windows, the run away because "OMG, that was crazy!"

The whole time I was waiting for someone to call the cops on these fucktards, so that they'd stop bothering people in the middle of the night as they tried to sleep, and also so I'd stop being pissed-off that I was watching it all happen. No one gets arrested though, and by the end of the movie, they actually make it to the house from the trailer, 1666 something (clever), and find themselves locked in by (haunted?) plywood and nails.

Hey, brainiacs... start with the little boards, then try to loosen the big one. Or maybe find a man to help you escape.

The big issue with people making cheap movies like this, is that because they have no budget, they have to rely on atmosphere and characterization more than most films, and they tend to fail in both of those departments. I should have known what was coming from the start when we're treated to a couple going to the beach, setting the camera in the sand, walking halfway down the beach, and then stood there talking to each other. No sound, barely any visuals, just us sitting there watching people halfway down a beach from our POV, talking.

Brilliant.

Never fear though, because we do get four people talking, reading, driving around together while talking and reading, and talking. Also reading. For an hour. Nothing happens for so long in this movie, that by the time the characters get somewhere where something should finally happen, more nothing happens, and we're left wondering what in the hell just happened.

Yeah.

New rule: Anyone who makes a Found Footage flick from here on out has to disappear like their characters, never to be heard from again, if their movie ends up sucking. And I mean gone, like vanished. That ought to make people think twice before churning out this kind of crappola from now on.

Wasn't that window boarded up on the inside?

Listen, this crap has to stop. These half-baked, half-assed attempts at "reality" Horror that all look the same and boast the same shoddy plot elements... they all need to stop now. If you're broke, can't write very well, and have no new ideas (or can't make reasonably good use of an old idea), then don't make a movie.

Watch this one if you must, but don't say you weren't warned.

They're in this.

Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy (2010)

As Horror Documentaries go, this is one of the best we've seen.

Never Sleep Again covers ever film in the Nightmare Universe, from the original Wes Craven masterpiece, all the way through Freddy vs. Jason. Just about anyone who has ever been involved with the films sat down to discuss them all, and at length; the thing runs for four hours!

Doc's like this are great, because Horror fans are generally rabid enough to sit through behind the scenes looks at their favorite fright flicks. NSA is particularly great because it doesn't gloss over the less popular entries in the series; every film gets the in-depth expose' treatment, and it's all a ton of fun.

Uncle Wes.

Before seeing this, I never realized how overtly gay Nightmare 2 was. I never knew that Renny Harlin pretty much improvised most of the kills from Nightmare 4 himself, because the script was such mess. It was crazy to see how so many of the stars we grew up watching in these movies have turned out, and how some of them look like cabbage patch kids now. (You'll understand when you watch it.)

The man behind the mask.

It's worth watching alone to hear the ever amazing Clu Gulager say "I didn't get a blow-job on the set, if that's what you mean" It's just full of great moments like that. Tons of them. Everyone has great stories from their respective movie sets, and not all of them are nice ones. Some are even sad, as we see how some of our beloved Horror icons hit rough times or didn't have much of a career after these movies.

You won't find the likes of Johnny Depp or Patricia Arquette giving interviews here, but fuck them, they should have shown up. NOES gave them their start, and they should give back some love.Near everyone else is present though, and it looks like they loved sitting and talking about their involvement.

True love forever.

This is a must have for any Elm Street fan, no matter how casual. At four hours long -eight if you count the 2nd, four hour long disk full of bonus features- this one will satisfy fans on every level. You should own this. Own it and love it, we say!

A+

Of course we have to close this out with a look at some of the hotties of the Nightmare movies. We've even included the girls from the remake, even though a lot of people hated it. Chicks are chicks, man.