Blu-ray Review: Evils of the Night (1985)

"If the tag-line "Full of sex, lasers, synth-pop, feathered hair, bikinis and axe wounds..." doesn't make you want to see this movie, then run away and do not look back."

A bunch of old-ass space vampires need the blood of the young to survive and remain immortal, so they head to Skank Bang Beach to capture and drain some local whores and their dimwit boyfriends of their life essence.

AH, SUMMERTIME.

The sex-starved teens (who look like they're in their 30's), party, swim, lay in the sun, have sex, and are kidnapped by two 90-year-old mechanics who deliver them to the space vampires in a hospital, who are equipped with rings that shoot weak laser rays, just in case their victims try to escape.

There's really all there is to the plot. Honestly, I probably overstated things a bit.

HE'S 120-YEARS-OLD, YOU CAN TAKE HIM!

Make no mistake, Evils of the Night is a bad movie. It's full of hot naked chicks, has tons of sex, and is amusing with its silly plot and even sillier acting, but if you don't like bad movies, then this one will pain you to watch.

It would make for one hell of an MST3K episode, though.

With classic names like Aldo Ray, Neville Brand, Horror legend John Carradine, Julie Newmar (the original Catwoman), and Tina Louise (Ginger from Gilligan's Island) in the cast, you'd figure that this movie was going to be something above b-grade, but no, they were just looking for a paycheck.

That's alright though, because their presence, along with the absurdity of the plot, acting, special effects, and gratuitous sex and nudity, make for one crazy, mixed-up, throwback of a good time.

IF YOU HAD A PENIS IN THE 80'S YOU KNEW WHO AMBER LYNN WAS.

Did anyone else notice that the Blu-ray art/poster shows the Millennium Falcon shooting through space? How Lucasfilm let that one slip by, is a mystery to me. And who did the producers of this movie think they were fooling to begin with?

Also, the "Features some of the most gruesome special effects ever put to film" line that I've seen used in reference to this movie is a straight-up lie. This movie is mostly blood-free, and if anyone says any different, you shouldn't trust the words that come out of their mouths.

THAT FEATHERED HAIR LOL.

Why did so many classic actors and actresses take such shitty roles in shitty movies during the 80's? Don't get me wrong, I'd take the easy paycheck too if I were them, but damn, you've really got to be broke to show up in a clunker like this. Worst of all is that they're all really trying to act in this one. Like giving a genuine effort.

They deserved better.

WHO THAT GUY IN THE MIDDLE IS, WE HAVE NO CLUE.

As cute as G.T. Taylor (who played Connie) was, how is it that she never starred in another movie besides this one? Sure, maybe she went onto something better in her life, but she was so 80's hot that it makes us sad that she went away.

SHE HAD SUCH POTENTIAL...

For a B-grade Horror flick from the 80's that shamelessly went the exploitation route, you'd figure that there would be plenty of gore and violence to be had here, but no. Although and axe and a drill provide some gore, this is a tame movie on that front.

BEHOLD, THE VIOLENCE!

I'm pretty sure that this movie was originally supposed to be some sort of softcore porn flick, because the first 20-minutes of this one is nothing but sex and nudity. Even 80's porn superstars Amber Lynn and Jerry Butler show up to get it on.

THIS IS WHAT GOOD FRIENDS DO ON A PUBLIC BEACH.

If you like bad movies, cheesy retro Horror, naked chicks, or Aldo Ray, then this is one disc that you need to own.The movie sucks, but it's definitely one to watch with a few cold beers when you're in the mood for some retro laughs.

Evils of the Night is available on Blu-ray, DVD and VOD now.

This movie is full of Retro Hotties, chief amongst them, the insatiable Amber Lynn.

Picturebook Review: Crazy Lake (2017)

"A B-grade Slasher flick, through and through."

Slasher flicks are a mixed bag. We tend to watch them when we need a quick fix of mindless, exploitative fun, because many of them offer people in various stages of undress behaving badly, and those very same people getting killed off in gruesome ways. 

Most Slasher flicks these days tend to be low-budget; the characters that populate them tend to be unlikable and disposable (save for maybe a cool Final Girl and one decent guy); and they don't often break into original territory... which is pretty much the case here.

As a cheap, fun, 90-minute distraction though, Crazy Lake did the job.

Aside from "A group of twenty-somethings head into the woods to part, and are picked off one by one by a mongoloid maniac", the plot matters little here. What really matters is pictured below.

Crazy Lake breaks absolutely no new ground as far as Slasher flicks go, but it does give us a steady parade of naked and scantily clad women and some messy kills, and it does so pretty well. It was fun enough to be worth a look if you dig cheapo Slashers with plenty of boobs and blood.  

If this is your type of flick, you already know it.

Crazy Lake is available on VOD now.

Sexy Lake.

VOD Review: Don't Fuck in the Woods (2017)

"One of the best movie titles of all time."

This isn't really a review, per se, but there was no way that we could let a movie with a title like Don't Fuck in the Woods pass us by without at least saying a few words about it.

I mean, if that title doesn't make you laugh, or at least give a sensible chuckle, then you might be dead inside. *Or you might just have class, which is something that we know nothing of.

Don't Fuck in the Woods is a backwoods monster movie of the Indie persuasion. Shot on an estimated budget of $10k, it doesn't offer much in the way of production value, but it's easy to see that it's a labor of love for filmmaker Shawn Burkett, and for fans of cheap, B-grade Horror flicks that offer plenty of T&A and cheesy gore gags, it's one that will surely please.

It doesn't have much of a plot aside from "A bunch of kids head into the woods to party..." but that's ok, because the fact that the monster in the woods is attracted to the smell of sex should clue you into the fact that this is a movie that doesn't take itself seriously at all.

It exists to showcase some cheesy, exploitative fun, and in that, it succeeds wildly... depending on your taste, of course.

If bloodshed, nudity, and a rubber-suited monster sound like the makings of a good Horror flick to you, then Don't Fuck in the Woods is one that you should seek out.

We just really love the title. And Nadia White.

You can order a copy of the Blu-ray or DVD, HERE, or rent it on Vimeo On Demand, HERE.

We're pretty sure that most of these girls have fucked in the woods at some point, and we applaud them for it.