Picturebook Review: Land of Smiles (2017)

"Well, at least it looks pretty."

Originally titled Thai-Sanity (what were they even thinking with that one?), Land of Smiles is a movie that begins with a lot of promise, but never really delivers much other than a bunch of attractive tourists drinking beer and fretting over mysterious emails and videos.

Now, that may seem like a short-sighted view of the movie, which is impressively shot and offers up some really pretty visuals, but it just never really got going Lek it should have. Given the plot, we were expecting some Hostel-like bloodletting, but instead got more of a slow burn mystery that even when solved, left us scratching our heads.

Let's take a look through the Picture Book for Land of Smiles, and see if the movie's visuals can't paint a picture of what the movie has to offer.

Land of Smiles is the story of the gorgeous Alexandra, whose gorgeous best friend, Penny, has gone missing in the gorgeous country of Thailand, aka the Land of Smiles. It seems as if some clown (literally) has abducted Penny, and he's going to kill her if Alexandra doesn't go out and drink herself into a coma. He's instructed her via video emails to go out and have fun and loosen up a bit, so Alexandra, along with some random strangers who join her party posse, hit the town and drink, dance, and have fun!

Because that's what vacation is all about.

SHE WANTS TO TAKE HER TO THE LAND OF VERTICAL SMILES.

GET A ROOM ALREADY.

BUT HE'S ALREADY HAVING A CUPCAKE...

DRINK UP, AMERICAN TOURIST IN A DANGEROUS FOREIGN CITY!

MAYBE EVEN MAKE SOME NEW FRIENDS AND DRINK WITH THEM!

SKIN BREAK.

AND NOW THE TERROR BEGINS!

"OH NO, PENNY! WHAT SHOULD WE DO?"

"WAIT, THIS LOOKS LIKE A MAP TO THE PLACE WHERE..."

"...WE CAN DRINK SOME MORE!"

SHE HAS PREFECT TANK TOP WEARING SKILLS.

AMID CRISIS, THERE'S ALWAYS TIME FOR A DRINK.

SWEET JESUS, THEY'RE EVEN DRINKING IN A PICTURE FLASHBACK!

MEANWHILE. DRUNKO THE CLOWN'S NEFARIOUS PLAN CONTINUES TO UNRAVEL.

"ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO JUST LET THAT BEER SIT THERE?"

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DRINK 437 BEERS IN THREE DAYS!

THAT'S ABOUT WHERE WE'RE AT.

DON'T WORRY THOUGH, THIS GUY IS GOING TO SAVE THE DAY... BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS ABOUT TO DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING.

Land of Smiles is a gorgeous movie to behold, both in its locale and the way it's presented visually, but man is it frustrating in just about every other way. The plot, and especially its resolution, are not only silly, but we don't even get an overabundance of gory kill scenes to make it all worthwhile.

Not horrible, just not very good.

D+

Land of Smiles is available now on import DVD.

These ladies make us smile for sure.

Netflix Review: No Escape (2015)

"What a crazy, intense ride."

I remember when this movie came out back in the Summer of 2015, and having no desire to see it. Not sure why, it just seemed like it was going to be cheesy... which is odd because I really liked the Dowdle Brother's previous films like As Above, So Below, Devil, and The Poughkeepsie Tapes, so maybe I should have given it a bit more credit at the time.

Shame on me for not doing so, because after browsing through Netflix for something to watch tonight, we came across No Escape, and decided to give it a go... and we're still catching our breath.

American businessman Jack Dwyer has just moved his family to an unnamed Southeast Asian country, too work for a company called Cardiff, who is there to bring clean drinking water to the people of the region. Unbeknownst to him, Cardiff has pissed off the locals, who think that they've shadily stolen their clean drinking water, and so they decide to rise up against the company, and kill everyone who works for them in protest.

"YES HONEY, EVERYONE HATES WHITE PEOPLE."

Marked for death by a massive mob of bloodthirsty locals, Jack and his hot wife (and two adorable kids) must do some crazy shit to survive, and even with the help of a saucy British ex-pat and Kenny Rogers (true story), there's pretty much no way that any of them are going to survive.

Butt-puckering action ensues.

THERE'S A LOT OF RUNNING INVOLVED TOO. A LOT.

It's not often that an action thriller has us on the edge of our seats, literally, but I'll be damned if No Escape didn't have us biting our nails, holding our breath, and yelling at the screen for just about its entire runtime. This was a taut and scary movie, and it wasn't shy with the violence at all, most of which played in realistic fashion.

The Dowdle Borthers have a knack for making effective, under-the-radar movies that end up being far better than they have a right to, and No Escape might be their best effort to date. Their cast is top-notch, which probably helps: Pierce Brosnan steals every scene he's in as Hammond; the British "spy" who is as charming as he is deadly. Owen Wilson plays the ordinary, everyday guy as well as he always does, which isn't a bad thing, but he's outshined by Lake Bell as his wife... which might just be because she's hot. Not sure. Either way, she's really likable, and so we like her better!

This movie could have been a run-of-the-mill effort, and we expected it to be, but The Dowdle Brothers managed to give us characters we care about trying to survive a horrific situation, and they did it about as well as any thriller in recent memory has.

LIKE A BOSS.

It's interesting too note that a lot of the negative reviews that I saw about this movie deride it for being racist, because the lives of a white family were made out to be so valuable, and the Asians who led the bloody uprising that the family was trying to escape were painted as bloodthirsty and violent. Because that kind of thing doesn't actually ever happen in third world countries.

And did these idiot critics not see the local people tying to help the family?

It aggravates the shit out of me that everything today is sexist, racist, homophobic, patriarchal, etc... simply because people need to see what they need to see in things, to justify their agendas, or special little feelings.

It was a fictional thriller, assholes, that mimics real-life in some ways, and it didn't paint a negative picture of any particular people at all.

ALSO, HOLY SHIT THIS SCENE...

The uprising leads to many people being butchered in bloody fashion. It's definitely not for the squeamish.

THE DEER HUNTER, FAMILY STYLE.

Unfortunately, no, and as hot as Lake Bell is, it's a crying shame.

"WE WON'T MAKE IT IF YOU DON'T TAKE OF YOUR TOP!"

If you want to see a thriller that will have you on the edge of your seat for its entire runtime, as predictable as some of it may be, then No Espace is one you should check out asap. We're glad we finally caught it after so long, and we can't wait to see what The Dowdle Brothers do next.

No Escape is streaming now on Netflix, or you can grab a copy below. 

Lake Bell is still stunning.

A VOD Picturebook Review: Pernicious (2015)

Pernicious is the story of three hot American dimwits who travel to Thailand for the Summer, to teach the local children. I'm not sure what they're going to teach them, since none of these "teachers" speak Thai, but that's neither here nor there.

When they arrive at the house that they'll be staying at, they find a creepy gold state of a little girl, under what looks like a sheet that has been painted with some kind of protection ward. Of course they remove the sheet, and touch the statue, which basically spells their doom.

After a day of shopping, and a night of clubbing -in which they pick up three dudes and get themselves roofied- things take a turn for the worse, and it quickly becomes clear that the spirit that was inside of the gold statue is out for blood. Preferably, stupid American blood.

A low-budget Torture Porn infused mash-up of The Grudge and mid-90's Cinemax Soft Core Porn ensues. *The Soft-Core Porn part is nudity-free, by the way. Sorry.

OH DON'T WORRY, FONG, WE WON'T TELL ANYONE. WE PROMISE.

Pernicious is a low-budget movie that makes the most out of what it has to work with. The Thai locations are gorgeous, it's competently shot, it offers some decent gory bits, and most importantly, it features a trio of gorgeous leading ladies for us to ogle. It even borders on being genuinely creepy at times; the scene where the guys are slowly tortured to death was quiet, disturbing, and really cool. The gore was pretty off the hook in this one.

Unfortunately, Pernicious is also a movie with a predictable storyline, lame characters, and at times, it boasts some laughable dialogue. The acting is not the greatest either. It also drags a bit in the middle. So basically, it's not perfect, but it's watchable in that shameless, guilty pleasure sort of way. Had the movie been as gratuitous with the nudity as it was with the gore, it would have been a Guilty Pleasure of the highest order. Talk about missed opportunity...

It's hard to review a "smaller" movie like this and not rip it apart so instead of decrying its shortcomings to no end, let's take a quick peek at Pernicious, utilizing our Trademarked (?!?) Picture Book Format!

NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF THIS.

YEP, TIME TO LEAVE.

YEAH, GO AHEAD AND TOUCH IT, DUMMY. GREAT IDEA.

"UM, WE DON'T SPEAK THAI-NESE."

THAT'S RIGHT, LICK IT CLEAN.

OR, YOU KNOW, WIPE IT ON YOUR CHEST. YOUR CALL.

EYE VIOLENCE IS NEVER FUN!

THEN AGAIN, NEITHER IS TONGUE VIOLENCE.

JELL-O SHOTS ARE WEIRD IN THAILAND...

... ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE A MESSY EATER.

OR MAYBE... MAYBE SHE'S TRYING TO GET DRUNK THROUGH HER SKIN?

SHOWER ALL YOU WANT, YOU'LL STILL BE FILTHY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THIS PICTURE, BUT IT SHOULD HAVE INVOLVED LESS CLOTHING.

WORST ORAL SEX SCENE EVER!

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

In the end, Pernicious is a movie that is pleasing on a visual level, but is easily forgettable in just about every other way. The script isn't great, and neither is the acting, but it does deliver on the blood and babes aspect of things, even if the babes stay way-too-clothed for this type of low-budget Horror flick.

If you like your Horror movies cheap and simple, then you'll probably dig this one. Just know going in that it isn't perfect. We're giving this one a generous C-, based on eye candy alone.

C-

Pernicious is available now on VOD.  

The Ladies of Pernicious: Ciara Hanna, Emily O'Brien, Jackie Moore, and Sara Malakul Lane. You go ahead and decide which one is hottest.