VOD Review: Jigsaw (2017)

"And you thought "The Final Chapter" meant it was over. Ha!"

(aka Part 8.)
Release Date: January 23rd (Blu-ray)
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Pete Goldfinger and Josh Stolberg.
Directed by: The Spierig Brothers.
Starring: Tobin Bell, Callum Keith Rennie, Laura Vandervoort, Matt Passmore, Brittany Allen, and Hannah Emily Anderson.

It's been 7 years since Saw 3D "ended" the franchise that probably should have ended with part 4, if not part 3. People love Jigsaw and his traps though, so you knew that Twisted Pictures and Lionsgate would milk it for all its worth. It's a billion dollar franchise, so someone out there will always want more.

The Spierig Brothers have a small but impressive body of work to their credit including Undead (review HERE), Daybreakers (review HERE), and Predestination (review HERE), and so with them at the helm, we had a reasonable amount of hope that they could breathe some life back into the franchise with Jigsaw, or at the very least, make it a "better than the last 4 " kind of entry.

And they did a pretty decent job.

5 people wake up in a room with buckets chained to their heads, and out of nowhere, Jigsaw's voice tells them that they're all evil fuckers that have to pay for their sins. That payment involves saw blades embedded in doors, which is pretty cute, because the series is called Saw.

HERE WE GO AGAIN.

After the initial game, the 4 remaining survivors realize what's going on, and they are forced to play Jigsaw's games, to atone for the shady shit that they did which caused harm to other people. One of them, Anna, seems up to the task of beating Jigsaw at his own game, which makes us wonder just who in the hell she really is.

HMM...

All the while, detectives Halloran and Hunt are finding bodies all over town that seem to suggest that The Jigsaw Killer is still alive and well, and is starting up his social rehabilitation program for social deviants again. With the help of a a pair of doctors (one of whom is a smoking hot redhead who looks like trouble), they race against time to find Jigsaw, and stop his newest game before another group of scumbags is killed in clever, and fairly fitting ways.

THAT'S GONNA HURT.

I've got to admit that I liked Jigsaw way more than I thought I would. It's not without its flaws,. but the heart of its series has always been the punishment that bad people receive via Jigsaw's judgment, which is played out via a series of brutal and painfully relevant games, and this movie has no shortage of that.

The Saw movies have always been great because Jigsaw, and his motivations, have always been intriguing as hell, and it was nice to see Tobin Bell back in action. There's something compelling about him as an actor, and as Jigsaw, you can't help but like the guy, what he does, and why he does it, because he's got a point.

You know what you're getting with the average Saw movie: bloody, creative traps; and a silly plot that makes you think "Hey, I could write movies!", but that's alright, because sometimes we're in it for the visceral thrill, and on that level, Jigsaw delivers.

READ THE DOOR, DUMMY!

This movie needed more Jigsaw, because at 75-years-old, Tobin Bell still plays a hell of a villain.

WE WOULDN'T MIND A RETURN IN SOME FORM OF AMANDA, EITHER.

The real problem with these movies after lets say, Part 3, is that their plots get so over-complicated and unbelievable, that they make us roll our eyes. It's like they kept coming up with implausible and very convenient ways to keep the series going long after its titular villain had been killed, and that irks us a bit.

Jigsaw is no different in that way, stretching our limits of believability and giving us two twists that existed only to allow another Saw movie to be made, albeit in a way that made sense.

NEVER TRUST A SEXY GIRL WITH AN ARM SLEEVE!

Lots of bloody goodness throughout this one, courtesy of Jigsaw's new traps. The bike trap and the laser were our faves.

THAT ONE WAS PRETTY GOOD TOO.

No such luck.

FOR SHAME.

The first Saw movie is one of the best Horror films of the new millennium, and even though Jigsaw, the 8th installment in the series, comes nowhere near the original in terms of quality, it keeps the spirit of the series alive and well, and gives fans another dose of the mayhem that they've come to expect from the films.

If you like the Saw series for what it is, then Jigsaw will most likely make you happy.

C+

Jigsaw is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Hannah, Laura, and Brittany: the lovely victims of Jigsaw.

Picturebook Review: Land of Smiles (2017)

"Well, at least it looks pretty."

Originally titled Thai-Sanity (what were they even thinking with that one?), Land of Smiles is a movie that begins with a lot of promise, but never really delivers much other than a bunch of attractive tourists drinking beer and fretting over mysterious emails and videos.

Now, that may seem like a short-sighted view of the movie, which is impressively shot and offers up some really pretty visuals, but it just never really got going Lek it should have. Given the plot, we were expecting some Hostel-like bloodletting, but instead got more of a slow burn mystery that even when solved, left us scratching our heads.

Let's take a look through the Picture Book for Land of Smiles, and see if the movie's visuals can't paint a picture of what the movie has to offer.

Land of Smiles is the story of the gorgeous Alexandra, whose gorgeous best friend, Penny, has gone missing in the gorgeous country of Thailand, aka the Land of Smiles. It seems as if some clown (literally) has abducted Penny, and he's going to kill her if Alexandra doesn't go out and drink herself into a coma. He's instructed her via video emails to go out and have fun and loosen up a bit, so Alexandra, along with some random strangers who join her party posse, hit the town and drink, dance, and have fun!

Because that's what vacation is all about.

SHE WANTS TO TAKE HER TO THE LAND OF VERTICAL SMILES.

GET A ROOM ALREADY.

BUT HE'S ALREADY HAVING A CUPCAKE...

DRINK UP, AMERICAN TOURIST IN A DANGEROUS FOREIGN CITY!

MAYBE EVEN MAKE SOME NEW FRIENDS AND DRINK WITH THEM!

SKIN BREAK.

AND NOW THE TERROR BEGINS!

"OH NO, PENNY! WHAT SHOULD WE DO?"

"WAIT, THIS LOOKS LIKE A MAP TO THE PLACE WHERE..."

"...WE CAN DRINK SOME MORE!"

SHE HAS PREFECT TANK TOP WEARING SKILLS.

AMID CRISIS, THERE'S ALWAYS TIME FOR A DRINK.

SWEET JESUS, THEY'RE EVEN DRINKING IN A PICTURE FLASHBACK!

MEANWHILE. DRUNKO THE CLOWN'S NEFARIOUS PLAN CONTINUES TO UNRAVEL.

"ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO JUST LET THAT BEER SIT THERE?"

AND THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DRINK 437 BEERS IN THREE DAYS!

THAT'S ABOUT WHERE WE'RE AT.

DON'T WORRY THOUGH, THIS GUY IS GOING TO SAVE THE DAY... BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS ABOUT TO DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING.

Land of Smiles is a gorgeous movie to behold, both in its locale and the way it's presented visually, but man is it frustrating in just about every other way. The plot, and especially its resolution, are not only silly, but we don't even get an overabundance of gory kill scenes to make it all worthwhile.

Not horrible, just not very good.

D+

Land of Smiles is available now on import DVD.

These ladies make us smile for sure.

VOD Review: All I Need (2017)

"A Tale of Two Movies."

Back in 2013, All I Need (which was originally called Wake in Fear) had to shut down production. When it was ready to resume, star Caitlin Stasey couldn't return to shooting due to landing a gig on the CW show Reign, so director Dylan K. Narang had to come up with something to fill out the rest of his movie.

That something ended up being the parallel storyline of a father struggling to make ends meet for the benefit of his daughter, and knowing why it's a part of the film makes the fact that it doesn't work as well as everything else does, forgivable.

Especially since the good stuff in this movie is really good.

The movie opens with a girl waking up (listed as Chloe on IMDB, although we never hear her name in the movie), bound and gagged on the floor of a filthy motel room. We know nothing about her aside from the fact that she looks really good in her undies, and that she's probably in a lot of trouble, given the corpses of other scantily-clad women that are strewn around the room.

"MMRPHMMGL!"

Switch to the story of Andrew; a down on his luck loser who can't seem to catch a break. He's gotten himself involved with some shady, Russian mobster type who keeps sending him on increasingly shady errands with the promise of easy money. Desperately needing money to support his daughter, Andrew becomes his bitch.

IT'S NOT REALLY A SPOILER TO SAY THAT THIS IS WHERE ANDREW'S PATH LEADS HIM.

As Chloe does her best to escape the room and survive the masked killer who is determined to end her life, and Andrew accepts offer after offer in an attempt to build a stable life for he and his daughter, the two stories intersect, and nothing ends well for anyone.

HOW CUTE. SHE'S TRYING TO ESCAPE.

All I need was a half-and-half sort of endeavor.

On one hand, it's a bloody, disturbing, an intense flick about a girl trying too avoid being carved up by a masked maniac. Being that most of the action involving her storyline takes place in one single room, it's most definitely an exercise in intensity and claustrophobia. The piles of dead bodies that decorated the room made things an extra sort of twisted.

On the other, some of the pacing was off; some scenes lingered far more than they should have, mostly when it came to the 2nd storyline about the guy trying to become a low-level gangster. The intersecting of that storyline with the primary one set in the motel room felt forced... which it was, by necessity, according to the director. As mentioned above, there was a stoppage in production which forced him to invent that secondary storyline just so that he could complete the movie.

It may be lackluster, and it definitely feels out of place, but it enabled the good stuff of the main storyline to be able to be seen, so it served its purpose. And the stuff that makes up the main storyline is an impressive bit of work.

With Evidence, All Cheerleaders Die, I, Frankenstein, Fear Inc., and now All I Need, Caitlin Stasey has quietly been turning into a Genre staple over the past few years. The crazy thing about that is that she's a really good actress. She doesn't speak much in this movie, but she conveys a wide range of emotions just by the looks on her face and the nuance of her actions, which is what the best actors are always able to do. Also, she's ridiculously hot. With her role in Reign, she may be leaving this kind of Genre work behind, but we hope not, because she's an amazing talent, and our Genre needs her!

THAT LOOK SAYS IT ALL.

There are literally piles of dead bodies in this movie, and poor Caitlin Stasey has to sift through them, hide in them, move them... it's all pretty disturbing. There are also a few good kill scenes which are pretty bloody, and a 10-minute sequence where young Ms. Stasey digs a finger into a hole in her body (not that one) in order to survive, which was cringe-inducing on a "holy shit" level. 

MAYBE IT WAS A PORN MOVIE THAT WENT HORRIBLY WRONG?

No nudity, but Caitlin Stasey and her costars spend the entire movie in their skivvies.

IT'S REALLY HARD TO OGLE A DEAD GIRL'S ASS AND NOT FEEL WRONG ABOUT IT...

That damn air vent scene. Sweet Jesus.

PRETTY SURE THAT GLORIA GAYNOR WROTE "I WILL SURVIVE" ABOUT THIS GIRL.

The intersecting story aspect of All I Need made it feel like it was jumping back and forth between two different movies, and that was off-putting, but everything involving Caitlin Stasey was really intense, disturbing, and awesome, so we dug this one overall.

It's definitely worth checking out.

C+

All I Need is playing now on iTunes.

Caitlin Stasey may be the heroine of this movie, but girls like Rachel Melvin and Sorel Carradine helped her out where they could.

Fun fact: Sorel Carradine is Keith Carradine's daughter, BTW, so she's kind of Hollywood royalty.