DVD Review: Clown (2015)

*This is our review of Clown from March of last year. We're reposting it because it's finally out in the U.S.  

(aka The Little Short Film That Could.)
Release Date: June 17th.
Country: USA/Canada.
Rating: R.
Written by: Jon Watts.
Directed by: Christopher D. Ford and Jon Watts.
Starring: Andy Powers, Laura Allen, and Peter Stormare.

While most people seem to find clowns creepy to one extent or another, there are actually a lot of folks out there who are deathly afraid of them. Like us. *After surviving the bizarre and terrifying "We're never going in the woods behind our house again!" incident when we were 12, we've been reasonably afraid of clowns; especially when they try to get us to crawl into a drain pipe to drink some Mad Dog 20/20 and have a shirtless tickle fight. "Mr. Jingles" didn't get us that day, but he's haunted our dreams ever since...

Anyhow, having just watched IT  (review HERE), we thought that it might be fun to see if the Eli Roth-produced Clown could fill us with that same sense of terrifying unease... which it kinda did, albeit in an entirely different way.

A loving father going out of his way to dress up as a clown for his kid's birthday is a sweet notion, especially when he knows it will mean the world to that kid. Conversely, it's a creepy notion when that same father finds the clown outfit while sifting through a bunch of old clothes in someone else's basement (attic?), because you just don't know where that stuff has been.

YEAH, YOU SHOULD GO SEE WHAT'S IN THAT CHEST.

After donning the outfit he found in the trunk, Kent uses it to play Dummo the Clown, and give his son the birthday that he deserves. Then he tries to take the costume off, and can't. Embarrassed at having to wear the getup while taking his son to school, and then to work, Kent even goes so far as to try and cut it off with a Sawzall, but to no avail. His wife eventually helps him to get the nose off, but he ends up bleeding like a sieve in the process.

HER DADDY ALWAYS SAID SHE MARRIED A CLOWN...

Realizing that he's in some serious trouble, Kent then decides to track down the previous owner of the clown suit, which leads him to Peter Stormare, who explains to him that the costume is actually made from the skin of an ancient Demon. This Demon, called The Cloyne, eats kids, which is apparently why Kent has been so hungry since putting the suit on. Once Kent understands what is happening to him, Peter Stormare tries to behead him, but he escapes and goes into hiding.

THE CLOYNE.

From here on out, it's a battle of wills between Kent and the Demon, which can really only end with Kent eating a bunch of kids to appease the monster inside of him. Far be it from us to spoil what happens next, but suffice it to say that we'll never look at a ball pit in the same way again.

AWW, WHY ISN'T ANYONE PLAYING WITH HIM?

For something that started out as a fake trailer and then became a feature-length movie, Clown is pretty impressive effort. It may not have pushed the boundaries as far as we thought a movie produced by Eli Roth would, but it certainly had enough dark and disturbing content to appease us, at least for the most part.

Clown does a good job at creating and maintaining an effective feeling of dread throughout, even during its darkly funny moments. The idea of a guy putting on a demon-infused clown suit and not being able to take it off because it's become a part of him, is a truly terrifying concept... especially when it leads to him killing and eating children.

The last 15 minutes of the movie were pretty effective, and had us a bit unnerved. 

HE JUST WANTS TO JUGGLE, HONK HIS HORN, AND EAT KIDS.

When I sit down to watch a Horror movie called Clown, I want a movie that is about a killer clown, not a movie that spends 75% of its runtime showing us a guy turning into a killer clown. Some of the "pre-clown" bits were really good, but every time this movie got going, it slowed down again to remind us that Kent was still a man who was fighting against the Demon inside of him, and it just killed the momentum.

Clown would have been much better served by going all out with the clown carnage, and never looking back.

KILL MORE!

If you're going to have the balls to make a movie about a clown that kills kids, at least go all out with it, and leave me horrified. I'm not necessarily saying that seeing kids killed on-screen in a movie is the apex of entertainment or anything, but in the case of Clown, that exact sort of terrible imagery is supposed to be a part of the payoff.

A METAPHOR FOR WHAT'S ABOUT TO COME?

There's a fair amount of blood & gore in Clown, but most of the kills happen off-screen. We do get lots of blood spatter though, and even a decapitation or two. The part with the dog was pretty great.

DOGS WILL EAT JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.

Clown is a dry county, sex & nudity-wise.

No one likes clowns. Also, Peter Stormare is still awesome.

DOES ANYONE DO ODDBALL/CRAZY BETTER THAN PETER STORMARE?

Clown will no doubt terrify anyone who genuinely fears clowns, although those people probably wouldn't be watching it to begin with. For the average Horror fan though, Clown will most likely prove to be a mixed bag of great ideas and plodding executing. This Eli Roth-produced effort is definitely worthy of a watch, just don't expect it to be as shocking as Hostel or anything.

C+

Clown is available now on VOD.

Laura Allen doesn't clown around when it comes to looking good.

Theatrical Review: Poltergeist (2015)

We've come to accept that remakes are a big thing in Hollywood, and in the Horror Genre especially. People want what's familiar, and Hollywood wants to make movies that are "safer" from a financial standpoint, so it makes sense that they want to remake everything that people have already seen.

We can bitch and moan all we want to, but until the day comes when people stop paying to see remakes, and reboots, and re-whatevers, and instead start spending their money on more "original" properties, they are never going to stop.

That being said, if Hollywood is going to endlessly remake the hit movies & TV shows of yesteryear, then they could at least put more care into them than they did with this Poltergeist redux. I mean, it's a Steven Spielberg movie, for crying out loud, you have to show it a certain amount of respect, or don't remake it to begin with.

And before someone comes along and says "But Poltergeist was a Tobe Hopper movie!" please know that Spielberg was the heart and soul of the original, not Hooper. Tobe is crazy cool, and we love him, but Poltergeist was not his movie.

You pretty much know the story of Poltergeist already, but if you don't, then here you go:

A young family moves into a beautiful home on the cheap, hoping to live the American dream. In this version, they're cash-strapped, and the husband is out of work, but they have love to pay the bills, so why not move into a big house in a decent neighborhood?

Once they move in, strange and scary things begin to happen all around them, but nobody seems to care all that much until their youngest daughter, Maddy, goes missing. When they realize that Poltergeists have taken her into their TV, they call on a crack team of Paranormal Investigators to help them get her back. Together they must travel into the spiritual netherworld to save Maddy, which might just see them all dead. Or scared. Or something.

No scares whatsoever ensue.

AS THEY WATCHED THE ORIGINAL POLTERGEIST TOGETHER, THEY BEGAN TO REALIZE THAT EVERYTHING THEY WERE DOING WAS WRONG.

The main problem with this Poltergeist remake, is that it doesn't really feel like a Poltergeist movie at all. Instead, it feels more like a typical modern day Haunted House flick that borrowed the Poltergeist name to drum up some extra interest in itself. Sure, some of the same plot elements are there, but only because they have to be; otherwise, this would be a generic, PG-13 ghost story, and nothing more. Which it really is anyhow, so...

This movie isn't scary, creepy, or even mildly frightening. The story feels convenient, its characters are bland and unsympathetic, and everything feels forced together in such a haphazard way, that the movie never really gives itself a chance to work. It really felt like someone took the good scenes from the original, updated them for the modern audience, and just strung them together with any stereotypical plot elements that they could think of.

It also felt really rushed.

SORRY CLOWNY, BUT YOU WERE NOT SCARY.

The original Poltergeist was a clever, witty, exciting and fun movie, that also knew how to scare us (and still does, for the record.) This remake though doesn't have any of the Spielberg magic that made the original so damned good, and helped it become one of the most popular Horror flicks of the 80's.

• The family isn't all that likable in this one. In the original, they were a normal, All-American family whom we got to know and like. Eventually, we even came to fear for their safety. In this one, Dad is an unemployed smart-ass; Mom is just kind of there; the oldest daughter needs a smack; the son is afraid of everything; and little Carol Anne Madison is little more than cute. We never once felt like they were people that we should be afraid for, but stereotypes that existed only because the scary stuff needed to happen to somebody.
• And I'm still not sure how a family that is essentially broke could afford to move into a house that looks like it costs at least 500k.
• The clown bit in the remake was horrible compared to the one in the original. In the original, the clown was there for most of the movie, creeping people out, and slowly building up our dread and anticipation... and then at the end it finally attacks, and we shit our pants. Here, the clown is found, attacks the kid, and that's it. No one  even really comments on it. It happened early, it happened quick, it wasn't very scary, and it had almost no impact. It felt like just another random jump-scare. 
• The tree attack screen in this one was half-assed too. 
• In the original, the whole "you moved the headstones!" thing was given much more weight, and it also made for one hell of a reveal. Here? Basically an afterthought. 
• Remember in the original how JoBeth Williams put her life on the line to save her baby girl, and ends up essentially trying to "fight" the evil spirits? You know, because any Mom worth their salt would fight to the death for their kids? Well in this one we get a mechanical drone heading into the netherworld to look for the girl, while Mom just stands around looking concerned, and screaming "Save my baby!" I know we live in an age where technology rules, but it should never replace the human element in a story about humans. It just kills the impact.
• And the ending felt almost tacked-on. It was almost like "Oh shit, we forgot to do the part where everyone thinks that it's all over, but it really isn't!"  
• Let's not remake any other Steven Spielberg movies, alright, Hollywood? 

LIKE THAT SCREEN, THIS MOVIE IS FLAT.

The one bright spot of this movie is Jared Harris. Not only is he a great actor, but his Carrigan Burke was the only character that ever really woke us up during this one. The rest of the cast was fine in this one too, even if their characters weren't anything great, but Jared Harris was the best of them, by far.

NICE JOB, OLD BOY.

The bottom line is that this movie is one that you'll forget about as soon as it's over. It's not a horribly bad movie, as it's well-made and boasts a pretty strong cast, but it's not scary, it feels rushed, and it brings absolutely nothing new to the table. For a remake, that last thing is absolutely unforgivable.

Skip this one and watch the original instead. There's honestly no reason why you should do otherwise.

D

Poltergeist is in theaters now.

Rosemarie DeWitt makes for a hot Soccer Mom.

DVD Review: Stephen King's IT (1990)

(aka Tim Curry's Pennywise.)
Release Date: Nov 18th-20th, 1990.
Country: USA/Canada.
Rating: NR.
Written by: Tommy Lee Wallace, and Stephen King.
Directed by: Tommy Lee Wallace.
Starring: Richard Thomas, Annette O'Toole, John Ritter, Jonathan Brandis, Emily Perkins, and Tim Curry as Pennywise.

As kids, the novel IT was one of our favorites. It was terrifying, it reinforced our belief that clowns were evil, and in the end, it was all about us. Most people have a creepy part of their town where "the monsters lived" when they were kids, and ours was a series of bike trails in the forest called "Sleepy Hollow" (original, I know), and as a kid, there was no way that you could convince me that something evil didn't live in the darkest parts of those woods.

With IT, Stephen King captured the essence of what it was like for us to go traipsing around in our own version of his fictional Barrens, and we instantly identified with it. He understood. He knew.

When the Mini-Series premiered on TV a few years later, it had us glued to our TV's, an we ate every last bit of it up. We were young and dumb, and had wildly overactive imaginations, so how could it not?

There's an evil in the town of Derry, Maine, an evil that comes out of the sewers every 30 years or so to feed on people (mainly children, because they're easy targets.) IT mostly appears in the creepy guise of Pennywise the Dancing Clown, but it also has the ability to transform itself into its victim's worst fears, because apparently they taste better when they're afraid.

MEANWHILE, IN THE PENN STATE SHOWER ROOM...

In 1960, IT lures little Georgie Denbrough to a sewer drain with the promises of balloons and cotton candy, and then proceeds to tear his arm off, leaving him to bleed to death. This begins IT's regularly scheduled feeding binge in which it tries to feed on Derry's children. When a group of geeks, aptly named The Losers Club, get wise to what the evil clown is up to, they decide to fight it with a slingshot, and end its reign of terror... because killing an ancient evil is apparently easy like that. 

"COME RIDE THE TILT-A-WHIRL, KID!"

In 1990, a little girl is killed by some haunted laundry, and Mike Hanlon realizes that IT has returned. Having stayed behind to keep watch over Derry in case IT returns, Mike reaches out to the rest of The Losers Club and tells them to get home, because they have to go into the sewers and defeat it again, this time for good!

THOSE SHEETS WILL NEVER BE CLEAN AGAIN.

Will a magic turtle help The Losers Club defeat IT the right way this time? Will there be a creepy, impromptu gang-bang involving 12-year-olds in the sewer? Will Patrick Hockstetter finally get what he deserves? Far be it from us to spoil anything for you here, but suffice it to say that you'll have to read the book if you want to know what happens with all of that, because it's not in the movie.

THE LOSERS CLUB.

If you put aside all of the things from the novel that never made it into the Mini-Series, and forgive it for its technical shortcomings, IT is an entertaining and creepy watch. We probably liked the part of the story set in 1960 the best, as that section of the movie had a sentimental and nostalgic feel about it that reminded us of our own childhood. Everything about it just felt dire and creepy.

The part of the movie set in 1990 with the adults was good too.

Tim Curry's brilliant portrayal as Pennywise is really what drives IT into must see territory though, as the evil, child-eating clown is one of the best movie villains ever, big screen or small. How they're ever going to get someone to recapture that same kind of terrifying magic in the upcoming remake, we don't know. We do know that no one is going to be able to top what he did here with Pennywise. He was that good.

The rest of the cast was just about as solid, if not quite as dynamic. The kids in the 1960 section were all great in their roles, and they included a young Seth Green and Emily Perkins amongst them. IT also features Jonathan Brandis in the lead role of Bill, and it's always a bit sad to watch him in this one knowing that he ended up taking his own life at the age of 21. The kid who played Henry Bowers made for a perfect 60's greaser thug as well.

The adult cast is full of great character actors from yesteryear, chief amongst them, John Ritter, Richard Thomas, Richard Masur, and Annette O'Toole. We still think Richard Belzer would have been perfect to play the adult version of Richie, but what can you do. It's also a bit sad to see John Ritter in this movie, as he too died suddenly, and way too young. Blah.

DEADLIGHTS.

As good as IT is, the Mini-Series feels really dated in some ways, especially in the FX department; the giant puppet spider stands to day as one of the silliest things we've ever seen in any movie. The scenes where Pennywise appears from, or disappears into, pipes and other small openings, don't look all that great either.

IT was made 25 years ago, so it's almost pointless (and unfair) to rip on its sub-par special effects, but they're just distractingly bad at times.

COME ON 1990, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!

Given that IT was made into a TV Mini-Series instead of a feature film, some of the best bits from the book were left out. We understand why so much of It couldn't be translated to TV, especially back in 1990 when things were far more puritanical on the airwaves, but a lot of great, and even important, stuff was left out. That sucked.

It's no shock at all that they left out the part where Bev's 12-year-old self let the other member of The Losers Club have group sex with her... I know that sounds really skeevy, but there was actually a point to that scene in the book, and the actual sex wasn't it. What they could have included though, and what will hopefully end up in the upcoming remake, are the scenes that involve Patrick Hockstetter, everything that happens on Neibolt Street, the bird, the Turtle, etc..  I guess we'll see.

"GIVE GRAMMY A KISS!"

IT is packed with all sorts of disturbing imagery, but none of it is very graphic. For a TV Mini-Series though, it was bloody enough in places, and more than suggestive in others.

A GIRL'S FIRST PERIOD IS A SPECIAL THING.

You can't show nudity on Network TV, and back in 1990 I don't think you could even say the word "nudity" on-air without getting a fine from the FCC. Seriously though, some of the things they get away with on TV these days would have started a massive moral shistorm back then.

THE DELETED "LOVE" SCENE.

 "They all float down here."

Clowns are pure evil and they want to eat your children. Also, Maine may be the creepiest place to live in the entire U.S.

SOUND ADVICE.

25 years later, IT definitely feels dated in a few different ways, but it's still one hell of a great Mini-Series. Tim Curry's sinister turn as Pennywise is the main reason that it's so great, but the whole thing has a nostalgic feel about it that makes it an entertaining watch, despite its faults.

If you like coming-of-age stories that involve murderous clowns, and who doesn't, then IT is a movie that you need to experience. Read the book too, or maybe even first, as it's far more epic in scope.

B+

IT is available now on DVD and VOD.

Everyone pretty much knows that Annette O'Toole and Emily Perkins played the older & younger versions of Beverly Marsh (respectively), but did you know that Chelan Simmons (Tucker and Dale vs Evil) played the little girl that Pennywise killed at the beginning? Or that Laura Harris (The Faculty) had a blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo as a snotty school kid? Well now you do.