VOD Reveiw: It Stains the Sands Red (2017)

"One of the best Indie zombie movies ever."

(aka Zombie vs. Stripper.)
Release Date: July 28th.
Country: USA.
Rating: NR.
Written by: Colin Minihan and Stuart Ortiz.
Directed by: Colin Minihan.
Starring: Brittany Allen, Juan Reidinger, and a bunch of other dudes who come and go.

One half of the filmmaking duo The Vicious Brothers, writer/director Colin Minihan has given us a zombie movie that breaks a bit from the norm with It Stains the Sands Red, and it may be the best work that he's done to date.

After being overrun by the undead, Las Vegas is in ruins. Molly and her cholo boyfriend escape the city in a Porsche, heading for an airstrip where their skeevy pals are waiting to fly them all to safety. Molly, being an alcoholic coke whore, needs to throw up her night's worth of partying, and when they pull over on the barren desert road, the car gets stuck in the sand.

THEY PAINT THE SANDS DUMB.

Out of nowhere, a zombie shambles towards them, and after some of the worst shooting in the history of guns, it kills Molly's boyfriend, and leaves her all alone to run through the desert with it in hot pursuit. She eventually names the zombie Smalls, because she has this thing about small penises.

JOKE'S ON HER: HE'S PACKING 9 INCHES OF DEAD HEAT.

As Smalls chases Molly through the barren wasteland of the desert while she's wearing high heels and running short on water and food, she also has to survive other people, the loss of her cocaine, and she must come to terms with the fact that she's all out of tampons, and Aunt Flow has still not left town.

She's determined to survive though, so we can't help but pull for her.

WHY SHE WANTED TO TEACH SMALLS HOW TO PLAY CATCH, WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

As much as the zombie film has been done to death in recent years, It Stains the Sands Red brings a fresh take to the sub-genre that relies as much on story as it does blood and gore to spin its narrative.

There are two things that made this movie so great. The first is Brittany Allen's performance as busted stripper Molly. Through flashbacks, we're shown that she's a deadbeat mom who has a weakness for cocaine and douchey men, but as the movie goes on, we get to learn more about her, and the pain that she harbors deep inside, which made us pull for her to survive.

It's basically a redemption story, and who doesn't love to see a stripper be redeemed?

SHE'S NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO LAPDANCE HER WAY OUT OF THIS ONE.

The second, and the most unique aspect of the film, is the co-dependant relationship that develops between Molly and Smalls. Sure, Smalls may be a zombie who wants to eat Molly's face off, but the events of the movie actually make him sympathetic in a way too, even if it's because of Molly's emotional journey.

I do have to say that the dude at the beginning was a lousy shot, and Molly does some dumb shit throughout the movie kind of left us scratching our heads, although her dumb actions at least served to set up some bloody scenes. I wasn't thrilled with the way that the movie ended either.

LIKE THIS ONE.

Smalls wreaks all kinds of bloody havoc to feed his zombie hunger, and Molly is pretty handy with tools. Also, there's the whole tampon thing...

SHE'S HAD A ROUGH COUPLE OF DAYS.

Brittany Allen looks stripper-sexy throughout, but there's no nudity. There is a rape scene though, so be warned.

COKE WHORES DO NOT FARE WELL IN THE DESERT.

A different kind of zombie flick, It Stains the Sands Red works because of a great performance by Brittany Allen, who totally sells the emotional weight of the story. The bloody carnage was also on point, and desert-set action felt pretty realistic throughout.

This is a cool flick, and definitely one worth checking out this Halloween Season. 

B+

It Stains the Sands Red is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Brittany Allen has gone from Soap Opera star to Horror Hottie, and we're glad to have her.

Import Review: Ibiza Undead (2017)

"Ibiza Unfunny."

For those of us who love raunchy teen comedies like The Inbetweeners, and who adore zombie films, a movie like Ibiza Undead sounds like a brilliant idea; you get some dorky guys, some smoking hot girls, send them on vacation to a gorgeous paradise, and have them fight for their lives against hordes of undead whist cracking off filthy jokes and one-liners, and trying to get laid at every turn.

Well, the idea sounds great, and they really tried with this one, but Ibiza Undead doesn't really make it to good side of the the funny-meets-bloody fence.

Emily Atack is in it though, so that makes it watchable enough. For the most part.

In the midst of a worldwide zombie epidemic, a group of British teens decide to head to Ibiza to party, because no matter how bad things get in the world, kids will always need to get messed up and have as much sex as possible. And honestly, why not do it in Ibiza if you're going to do it?

AH, PARTY GIRLS.

Big Jim, Alex, and Az are three lovable losers who just want to meet some girls. Or, as Big Jim puts it (about 300 times throughout the movie), shag some sluts and bitches. Alex's older sister and her hot friend, as well as Alex's hot ex-girlfriend are along for the ride, so the stage is set... but they want to meet some guys who aren't gimps, so the it's not long before the fish out of water sexual hilarity ensues!

THAT BIKINI THO...

And of course it's also not long before the zombie apocalypse of Ibiza ensues, which makes the whole "let's get laid, bruv" aspect of the trip a moot point... or maybe it makes it that much more important? It's one of those. Whichever one it is, the partiers must band together if they're ever going to escape Ibiza alive.

TONE IT DOWN, CONCHITA!

Ibiza Undead is a decent enough zombie flick that boasts a gorgeous location, some great bloody visuals, and some sexy ladies behaving badly, but doesn't really meld the world of comedy and horror together all that well.

And that's the main problem with this movie: it's supposed to be a comedy, and it isn't all that funny. Maybe that stems from the fact that the characters, and the funny bits that they try to drop on us, were written in the shallow end of the quality pool. The worst had to be Big Jim, who was so over-the-top and unfunny, that we honestly wondered how it all went wrong. Stiffer was funny in American Pie, as was Jay in The Inbetweeners (which this movie is clearly modeled after), but the attempt to recreate that same kind of vulgar-yet-lovable character here came nowhere close to that level of good.

Emily Atack was surprisingly good in this one though. Where we just expected her to be a vapid tart with no depth, her character was actually given a bit of substance, and she milked it for all it was worth. Vagina Lipkiss Algina Lipskis did a nice job in her supporting role as well. Everyone else, meh.

WHERE'S SCOOBY?

There are actually some good gore gags throughout this one.

THE FIRST GAY ZOMBIE EVER? YOU DECIDE.

Lots of hot chicks in bikinis, and Emily Atack shares a snog with Algina Lipskis, but for a raunchy sex comedy, this one is very light on the visceral raunch.

SO MUCH POTENTIAL...

Ibiza Undead is a fun enough flick, but it just doesn't offer enough bloody bits to please Horror fans, and it's not very funny at all, even if a few jokes do land here and there.

Overall, this is a movie that you might want to check out when it hits Netflix and the like, and save your DVD $$$ for a rainy day. Or a better movie.

C-

Ibiza Undead is available on Import DVD now. *Region-Free player required.

Apparently, Ibiza is the place to go to find lovely ladies.

Theatrical Review: Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2017)

"It's better than RE: Apocalypse. There's that."

(aka It's Finally Over.)
Release Date: In Theaters now.
Rating: R
Country: USA, Canada, Germany.
Written and Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson.
Starring: Milla Jovovich, Iain Glen, Ali Larter, Shawn Roberts, and Ruby Rose.

The Resident Evil Series has been an uneven one at very best. The first one (review HERE) was a fun zombie/action flick that could have been better, but entertained the hell out of us, even on repeat viewings.

The second movie sucked, and we like to pretend it doesn't exist.

Sequels like Extinction, Afterlife, and Retribution (Review HERE) got the series back on a good track and delivered all kinds of cool action, but little else, which became par for the course for the series. That's alright though, because we like big and stupid fun, and at times, we actually need it. 

The Resident Evil series exists to showcase Milla Jovovich kicking the ass of Zombie hordes, period. As movies, they're mostly kinda silly and there's basically no plot to them, but that's all by design; they've always played like Video Game levels to me, where you get some info at the start, work your way through a bunch of enemies, face the boss, and then prepare for the next level. 


And now we've arrived at The Final Chapter of the series, which we don't believe, because that's just not how Hollywood works, that the series closes out on a disappointing note.

Weeks after the events of RE: Retribution (which we honestly don't remember), Alice wakes up in the ruins of the White House (I see what they did there), and is attacked by a bat. Then, The Red Queen shows up on an old TV, and tells Alice that there's an airborne antivirus to the T-Virus in The Hive in Raccoon City that could save what's left of humanity, but she only has 48 hours to get there and release it, or all is lost. She also has a secret to tell Alice, but she's making her wait until the end of the movie to find out what it is.

ALRIGHT, MAYBE IT'S A DRAGON.

On the Post Apocalyptic road to Raccoon City, Alice discovers that Dr. Isaacs is still alive, and she runs into a gang of survivors ran by her old pal, Claire Redfield, who is also still alive. With Isaacs and his men, and three massive hordes of zombies on their tails, the gang enters the hive, where the antivirus, Wesker, and a stunning secret await them.

You've seen it all 5 times before this, so you know how it all plays out.

RUN, ALICE, RUN!

Sad as it is to say it, RE: TFC feels more like another typical entry in the series than it does any sort of finale. I mean, we weren't exactly expecting the world from this movie, because this series is what it is, but couldn't they have come up with something more... grand?

As it stands, there's a lot of action to be had here, with fights galore against evil humans and monsters alike, and if that's your thing, then it should please you. If nothing else, this movie is visually captivating.

This movie, and this series, has always been a showcase for Milla Jovovich and her sexy, crazy acrobatics, poses, and one-liners. That's a really cool thing, because she's awesome, and it's nice to see a girl of her talents be the focus of an action series like this. She's as good as she ever was in this one, and at almost 40 years old, she still looks and pulls off her stunts like she's in her 20's. With this series, she's given us one hell of a heroine in Alice, and she has easily earned her place in the hallowed halls of the Horror hall of fame by doing so.

Thanks, Milla, you rock. 

Iain Glen was his usual awesome self in this one, even though his character(s) aren't given anything of substance to work with. And of course we can't forget Ali Larter, who is still as hot as she always was, and she kicks her own brand of ass.

CAN WE TAKE A SECOND TO APPRECIATE HOW HOT ALI LARTER STILL IS?

The editing in this one is quick-cut and choppy, to the point where it confuses what we saw as it was happening. Given that this movie is packed full of action scenes, that made it a tough watch at times.

MILLA UNCHAINED.

What was with that twist at the end? Was it supposed to be shocking? This franchise has switched gears so much over six movies, that it had very little impact on us at all. Had they made this "reveal" in part three, and had it lead up to Alice's final mission in this one, it would have made it far more impactful.

YOU COULD HAVE TOLD HER EARLIER!

There's plenty of violence throughout this one, but it's not a very gory movie, per se. Standard fare for the RE series.

THAT'S NOT GOOD.

Nope. No one gets laid in a Post-Zombie world.

THE SHOWER SCENE THAT COULD HAVE BEEN... AND YOU KNOW THEY ALL NEED A SHOWER.

I know that the little wink that Alice gives the camera at the end of the movie means that she's still ready to kick some ass, but it's time to let this franchise rest. Also, Milla Jovovich has proven herself to be an ass-kicker of the highest order with the RE series, and we love her.

YEAH, WE'RE TIRED TOO, MILLA.

As a movie on its own, RE: TFC is not a very good one. It's not terrible, but they could have sent Milla out in better fashion than they did here. Resident Evil has been a fun, if hollow and imperfect, movie series, and as much as we've enjoyed its over the top craziness at times, we're glad that it's over.

Check it out in theaters if you must, but you should probably wait until it hits the VOD circuit, and go see something more worthy of your time and money.

D+

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter is in theaters now.

Milla, Ali, Ruby Rose, and Rola.