Quick Review: Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

(aka Ooh, Shiny! Part 5)
Release Date: In Theaters now.
Country: USA, Canada, Germany.
Written and Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson.
Starring: Milla Jovovich, Sienna Guillory, Michelle Rodriguez, Kevin Durand, and just about everyone else who has ever been in a RE movie before. Mostly.

You can't go in to a new Resident Evil movie expecting much more than pretty visuals and some crazy action. You just can't. I mean, you can, but you're just setting yourself up for disappointment if you do. These movies are eye candy, and nothing more.

Here in the U.S the RE movies perform alright, or even poorly by most standards. Worldwide however, the RE franchise just rakes in the money. RE: Afterlife made 296 million worldwide (only 60 in the U.S.), so naturally, you knew there was another sequel coming.

The question is, do we really need more of these empty, cheesy, glossy movies, that just exist to show a hot chick killing hordes of undead with her deadly wire-fu/gun-play skill set?

Sure, why the hell not.

If you've seen it once, you've seen it five times; "Project Alice" wakes up in a crazy dream world, dresses up in some sexy outfit, arms herself to the teeth, and has to fight a metric ton zombies (some of which have wonky mouths.) By fight, I mean she does some crazy choreographed flipping and deadly accurate moves that are so ridiculous and over the top that it captivates you. It's like a meth-induced ballet in slow motion.

The plot is fairly irrelevant, and can be summed up with the words "Milla, kill!" Now, this one does take them to the Russian Arctic, and it does make some pretty clever use of past set pieces and scenes in a fun way, but honestly, it's just there to allow for the carnage that RE fans all seem to fiend for.

Who doesn't want to see Milla in this outfit over and over again?

It's the fifth sequel in a franchise based on a video game series with twenty sequels of its own; we know what we're getting here. That's not to say that the movie should automatically be critic-proof because "it is what it is," because it deserves to be ripped apart a bit. Or a lot, depending on how much it pisses you off.

The whole thing is over the top and is supported by a paper thin script, which means that the actors can only do so much, which isn't really much at all. The last few movies in this series seem to us to be like long scenes of crazy action. They never seem grounded to us, they just start, shit explodes, and then it's over, the last shot teasing us about some crazy massive battle that is about to happen... in the next movie.

Alive or dead, she's still hot.

We normally hate this kind of shit, but for some reason we find ourselves loving when a new RE movie hits theaters, and especially when they're released on DVD/BLU. They look so ridiculously good in HD, that we forget how painfully not good the movies actually are. It's style over substance for us with the RE movies, and we don't mind. In a genre where most of what we see is so heavy handed, bleak, and downright morbid, we absolutely cherish our cheesy guilty pleasures.

Oh look, they're back.

Listen, Resident Evil: Retribution isn't anything else other than mindless fun. You have to set aside the bad script, cheesy dialogue, and the almost cringe inducing level of goofy karate moves, and just dig it for what it is. This movie will no doubt be gorgeous on Blu-ray, and so we will gladly add it to our collection when it's released.

Should you see it? Well, if you live in Asia, you're already going to, because this is totally right up your alley. For the more fickle average U.S. viewer, if the trailer looks good to you then you'll like it, because you're expecting nothing more than the fun stuff. It is what it is.

C+ is an above average grade, and in context with everything we just said, a deserving one here.

Mmm, blood.

Does Milla Jovovich ever age? On the doorstep of 40, she's still looking as fit as she ever was. The other Resident Evil chicks aren't looking too bad either. See? Eye candy!