July 29, 2010

Review: The New Daughter (2010)

"A direct to video horror flick starring Kevin Costner... and it could have been worse."

Cast Members of Note- Kevin Cosnter, Ivana Baquero, Samantha Mathis, Eric Palladino, Noah Taylor and James Gammon.

I don't know why I though he was dead, but Kevin Costner is still alive, and he has a new daughter! He has a son too, but who cares about him. The movie isn't called The New Son now is it?

After the death of his wife, Waterworld moves to the country with his two kids, to "start over" and to "leave the past behind." They also aim to "move on with their lives", "make a new beginning", and "forget mommy never existed." I guess there's something about trees and well water that makes people want to do all of those things in the quiet, Kinfolk-filled country. Odd how it never seems to work out as planned in these movies though, isn't it?

Aah, country life!
Unfortunately for them, their new house is situated on a piece of land that also harbors a creepy looking mound that talks to Bull Durham's daughter, and makes her act odd and stare into space a lot. Indian Burial Grounds can never just be serene or peaceful, can they? Instead, the "Ancient Spirits" are always pissed off or they place some crazy curse on anyone foolish enough to come too close... that's so racial!

That looks way too creepy to live in.
As Robin Hood notices his "new" daughter setting creepier and creepier, he must race against time to learn a lot about Indian Spirits and save his family from some mongoloid-looking mutant-things. Can he save his daughter from certain death? Will they pay for trespassing on the lands of the dead with their very lives? Will anyone ever get the bad taste of Waterworld out of their mouth? I won't spoil what comes next here, but I will say just forget about Waterworld; If you want to feel true pain, try sitting through The Postman. Makes me shiver just to think about that movie.

"You talkin' bad bout mah' movies?" Yes Kevin. We are.
I had almost forgotten that Kevin Costner had a career until I saw the poster for this movie. True, he was in Mr. Brooks and The Guardian recently, which were both good flicks in their own right, but I never thought I'd see the day when he'd be a guy whose movies went Direct to DVD.

Surprisingly, for the most part, this movie was pretty good. Despite being slow in parts, using a tired premise, and the fact that Kevin Costner played maybe the worst dad in the history of Horror flicks, The New Daughter was fairly dark and eerie, had some decent bloody moments towards the end, and didn't totally piss me off. That may not sound like much of a compliment, but trust me, it is. If it was engaging enough for me not to want to fall asleep or hit fast-forward, then it definitely has some merit to it.

This thing looks like it has a vagina dentata in the mouth.
Is it me, or did Kevin Costner play the dumbest father in the history of Parenthood in this movie? You move your family to a new, isolated house in the country and odd things begin to happen, but you do nothing. Something is clearly wrong with your daughter, but do nothing. Someone/something is clearly watching your home, but, no biggie. Someone/something has clearly entered your home without your knowledge, and you just frown about it.

Family pet found slaughtered? Look around at the trees and think "this doesn't seem normal." The babysitter is kidnapped? It happens. Her murdered body is found half eaten? Wow, that's a little odd. A stalking, home invading, murdering something or other is out there and messing with you, but you don't take the kids and hightail it out of there, you just wonder what's happening and do nothing? Best of all, he leaves his really young son alone in the house, to go find his daughter mind you, when he pretty much knows he isn't coming back alive... Epic Parenting Fail, Kevin Costner!

Why bury the shotgun? Can't you just keep it in the closet, unloaded, and know where the shells are in case of an emergency... an emergency like mutant monsters attacking your house and trying to eat your kids?

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Surprisingly, there is a little bit of fun violence towards the end of the movie, most notably a rather messy throat bleed-out scene. This is not a flick for Gorehounds though.

"Tell me what's wrong, or I can't help you!"
Ivana Baquero takes a shower and has scene which is technically topless, but since she's only 16, it didn't do much for us. So I guess the answer is no on the nudity and sex.

Do not turn around until you're 18. Thank you.
Kevin Costner is still kinda cool. Also, don't mess with Indian Corpse Mounds, as you will be haunted soon thereafter, and possibly be killed. Not by the mound itself, but by some spirits that live inside.. oh, you know what I mean.

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If you can shut your brain off and ignore some sloppy writing, and dismiss the fact that no one in this movie ever made a good decision, it's actually kinda fun. Mostly. Filled with a pretty awesome cast right down to the bit players, The New Daughter is worth watching, especially if you have a free rental coming from Netflix or something. If not, maybe just wait until it hits cable.


The New Daughter is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.


Ivana Baquero turned into a total Hottie. Also, Samantha Mathis.

July 26, 2010

DVD Review: Heartless (2010)

"Beware of spoilers, as we have to comment on this movie's ending... because it kinda sucked."

Cast Members of NoteJim Sturgess and the ever gorgeous, Clemence Poesy.
Heartless is about a socially-inept geek who can't get laid because he has a heart-shaped mole on his face that freaks people out, especially the ladies. He lives with his mum, his best friend is a camera, and he sees Demons roaming the streets at night causing all sorts of mayhem. Who doesn't, right?

I see this every night.
One evening, after getting a mysterious call from Satan's 8-year-old concubine, heart-face boy heads over to some skeevy tenement, and quite literally ends up making a deal with the Devil; in exchange for having his face made all pretty, he will kill a random person or two at ole' Lucifer's whim. To seal the deal properly, Satan sets him on fire.

Satan kinda looks Russian to me. Maybe Albanian.
Once he's sexy and facial deformity-free, heart-face boy starts banging Fleur DeLacour on the reg, which is really the point of the whole movie. That and Satan making him his bitch and forcing him to de-heart random, innocent people on command. So Heartless... see? Because he takes people hearts out... and his heart shaped face-thing gets removed which has always been his biggest dream. And maybe because it's rather heartless to kill innocent people for payment... multiple meanings make things deep.

Chicks dig beauty marks, don't they?
Does Fleur really love him or is she just a dirty whore? Is heart-face boy smart enough to outsmart the Devil and survive the constant badgering by his pesky Chav minions? How many people from Harry Potter are actually in this movie? All I will say is this; I hate, hate, hate endings like this. A lot.

Yep, she's a whore.
What an odd little movie. At first I thought it was about Demons, then a guy who just has to be the Devil comes into the picture, and then it becomes more of a Faustian serial killer thing... but at its heart it's really a story about losing a parent, finding love, and being alright with how you look? Odd indeed.

Heartless, ironically, has a lot of heart. It's a great premise, it's well made and the actors do their jobs wonderfully, it's dark, a bit creepy in parts, bloody in others, and it has a lead character that you can't help but feel for... so then why am I underwhelmed by it all?  

Heartless also had a Clive Barker-ish vibe going on, and I liked that.

Clemence Poesy has a face worth mentioning in The Good section.
***ENDING SPOILERS, BEWARE!*** Yet another movie that draws me in, keeps me intrigued and entertained, made me care about the characters, then at the end yells "just kidding!", kicks me in the nuts, and runs away laughing. Endings that negate most or all of what you just sat through really frustrate me. It was all in his head? Again? Shutter Island anyone? The Village? Not Haute Tension though; I like the dupe in that one.

Up in flames, I say!
What is it with Chavs? White, British kids with their hats cocked sideways, pretending to be rappers, roaming around in gangs, doing nothing but hurting good innocent folk? With movies like Eden Lake and Heartless showing us why, they seem to be more of a problem than I had ever realized. It should be legal to put Chavs in a sack, and drown them just like it is with kittens...

I'm pretty sure that's legal. If not, forget I said anything.

There are definitely some bloody and nasty moments in this movie, most of which involve hearts being cut out of chests.
Oh, he is so screwed.
Not really. We get a tiny bit of skin, but it should have been far more considering Clemence Poesy isn't afraid to bare it all. Sigh. 

Do not ever trust Satan. Also, Clemence Poesy needs to be in more Horror flicks.

More, please.
***ENDING SPOILERS, BEWARE*** Heartless is a great little movie in most ways, hindered only by the all too common (at least to me) and crappy "It was all in his head" type of ending. Had they played it straight and just let it be what it seemed to be throughout the whole thing, I think it would have felt more "right." Aside from the fact that most of the movie didn't actually happen the way we thought it did, it's definitely worth checking out.


Heartless is available now on
DVD and VOD.


Good lord just look at her. Look!

July 21, 2010

True Blood just keeps getting better...

Only 5 episodes in, and season 3 of True Blood is already better than the whole of season 2, and at least just as good as the first. Tara is still Tara, Sookie is still a tad annoying, and Jason will always be a moron, but damn it if everything else isn't blazing ahead full bore towards the abyss of awesomeness. With no brakes. Randomly, let's discuss the finer points: -The wolves are awesome, and the first glimpses inside their culture opens the door for all sorts of possibilities. the Nazi super-wolf/vamp thing is intriguing. -Alcide is pretty cool. Sookie's gonna bang him. -Eric is awesome, still, and thankfully he's getting a lot more to do this season. His back story is great. Oh, and Sookie's gonna bang him. Man is she looking good.
You dirty, dirty girl.
-I'm actually liking Sam and his story arc for a change. Sookie is not going to bang him. Poor Sam. -Sookie using her powers again was awesome. Being familiar with the books, I'm wondering how they are going to handle all of that. They seem to deviate from the book in a lot of areas, and with her powers, I hope they do the same... it's too spoiler-ish to say anymore than that though.
Ethereal facepalm!
-Lafayette is back in true form, which serves to make the show that much better. Considering he dies in the first book (or second, I can't remember), I think the best decision Alan Ball has made for the show is keeping him around. Oh, and Lafayette is going to bang Jesus.
"I don't know what Brokeblack Mountain is, but I'd love to go there."
-Sophie Anne and the Magister could be screwed. -Pam better not bet screwed, she's really cool.
Leave her be, you Magister jerk!
And the non-finer points: -Jason and the whole cop thing... come on. -Tara being angry and confused is annoying... but it looks like this last episode she started to get her act together, and let's hope she changes for the better. -Why can't they make the episodes 2 hours long? I mean, come on! We can't wait for next week. I'm hoping we learn more about Eric an his viking-revenge plan, and I'm curious to see what happens to sookie now that people have seen her new ability. Season 3 is an A+ so far guys, so keep it coming!