VOD Review: Inside (2018)

"Tame, by comparison. Or even on its own."

In 2007, the directing duo of Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo gave us one of the best Horror movies of the new millennium with Inside (À l'intérieur).

Inside was a gory, bleak, extreme film that had us gripping our seats until the very end, and it left us feeling a bit dirty when all was said and done.

It's a modern day classic, to say the least.

This remake, however, is a watered-down disappointment that feels like it was made to appeal to a wider audience instead of actually being bold and making a statement. 

Sarah and her loving husband are expecting a baby, and they couldn't be happier. When a car accident claims the life of hubby, that happiness is ripped away from Sarah, and she's forced to face the future, and the impending birth of their child, all alone.

NOW, SHE'S JUST SAD. AND VERY PREGNANT.

Flash forward to Sarah at home, preparing for a lonely Christmas. When a shadowy woman knocks on her door in the middle of the night asking to use the phone, her Christmas is about to get a whole lot bloodier, because this woman wants her unborn baby for her own.

If you've seen the original, you know how the plot plays out. If not, go watch it now, and avoid all spoilers.

DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR, IT'S A TRICK!

As with the Martyrs remake, this Americanized retelling of the French classic Inside is lacking in many ways. Where as the original was an artistic gorefest that pushed boundaries and was soaked in nuance, this remake just feels like any other run-of-the-mill offering that hits VOD week after week these days, because that's exactly what it is.

It's a well-made little movie, but absent is the dread and the shocking visceral punch that made the original so memorable. That's extra disappointing given the fact that it's produced by Jaume Balagueró (the guy who brought us the [REC] series, and it's directed by Miguel Ángel Vivas (the guy who brought us Kidnapped.) With that kind of talent behind the camera, this remake should have been way better than it is.

Rachel Nichols does a solid job as the terrorized widow who is about to give birth and finds herself fighting for the the life of herself and her unborn child; and Laura Harring does an admirable job as The Woman who is bound and determined to cut the baby from her and make it her own, but in the case of the latter, her character doesn't ever really feel terrifying, like Beatrice Dalle's counterpart in the original. The problem is where the original played more on atmosphere, this remake humanizes the villain far too much, giving her way too many lines of dialogue that lessened the impact of the threat she posed.

And the ending... what in the hell were they thinking?

It's really hard for us to watch a remake like this and not compare it to the original. I know that every film should be judged on its own merit, but then, when a film's merit is shared with that of another, far superior film, how can we not judge it by comparison?

SORRY, RACHEL. WE KNOW YOU TRIED.

There's some gore on display here, but it all feels rather conventional, as opposed to shocking.

DON'T WORRY, NOTHING COMES OF THIS.

Nada.

WHAT A MISSED OPPORTUNITY...

If this wasn't a remake of a beloved modern day classic, then it wouldn't be a bad movie at all. Because it isn't a bad movie. It is however a pallid remake of a movie that hit us like a gut punch back in 2008, and because it lacks the originals nuance and shock factor, it's thusly doomed to live in mediocre remake hell.

If you dig remakes though, and can view them on their own merit without needing to compare, then this movie may be worth a look for you.

C

Inside is available on VOD now.

Well, at least the movie's eye candy game was on point.

Netflix Review: The Rezort (2017)

"Jurassic Park with zombies."

Yes, The Rezort is basically Jurassic Park with zombies.

Maybe that's a simplistic (and even unfair) way to describe the movie, but it's the first thing that popped into our minds once we got past the 90-minute news montage that opened the movie, and the story actually started unfolding.

I don't think that it's a bad thing either. It's actually a pretty cool concept, and so what if the filmmakers said "Hey, what if we did a movie like Jurassic Park, but with zombies, man!"

If it works, it works, and it definitely works well here.

After a near zombie apocalypse which saw mankind wage war and win against legions of the viral undead, losing 2 billion lives in the process, the world begins to rebuild itself. Part of that rebuilding involves capitalism, and the monetary exploitation of the tragic events, because that's what we humans do. That's where The Rezort comes in.

IT'S LIKE A BIG VIDEO GAME!

The Rezort is an island resort/theme park or sorts, which allows paying customers to hunt and kill zombies to their heart's content. It's all perfectly safe and well-regulated, with no real danger involved for any of the guests... until a hacker group does a little number on The Rezort's computer system, which results in the zombies being freed, and just about everyone on the island becoming food.

SHE HUNGRY.

You know the drill from here on out: there's a group of people who have to band together to survive, which includes a pretty, likable final girl; her boyfriend who might be an asshole; a slutty (we hope) blonde chick; a bad-ass who's a crack shot with a rifle; a few dumbasses who you just know are destined to die painfully; an evil, money-hungry businesswoman who you really want to see die painfully; and a few other people who are just there to up the body count. And of course, very little goes to plan.

Good times.

STICK WITH HIM. HE KNOWS HOW TO STAY ALIVE.

The Rezort was a good zombie flick. It gets a little heavy-handed with the "humans are the real monsters" vibe that runs throughout, and in typical Horror fashion, many of the characters do some truly stupid shit, but at the end of the day, this is a bloody, fun, and well put-together zombie flick.

The zombies look, and act, really cool in this one. Yes, they're the fast moving zombies which many Horror fans seem to hate, but if that ploy works for the movie, then we have no issue with it. They really don't movie crazy fast or anything, so if you're one of those fans who prefer slower-moving zombies, don't panic.

The cast did a great job here with a script that gave them some rather clunky dialogue to chew on. Jessica De Gouw, whom we loved in the excellent Aussie Apocalyptic flick, These Final Hours (Review HERE), was the perfect final girl in this one, and she's destined for big things, we think. This also may be the best thing we've seen Dougray Scott in for quite some time. We dig that guy. 

ELEN RHYS WAS A SEXY TREAT AS WELL.

The Rezort offers plenty in the way of typical zombie movie kills, and there's no shortage of bloodshed to be had here. I'm not sure what the balance between practical FX and CGi was in this movie, but it all looked pretty great and gruesome.

SEE, THERE'S SOME BLOOD!

There isn't any skin in this one at all.

THIS IS AS CLOSE TO A SEX SCENE AS THIS MOVIE GETS.

"You had the map."

AND SHE'S GOT THE GUN.

The Rezort may not be a perfect film, and it definitely tries to do more with its scattered storylines that it maybe should, but it's bloody, intense, and we loved Jessica De Gouw and Dougray Scott together. We'd gladly sit thought this one again, and we'd definitely welcome a sequel, especially given the way that it ended.

Bring it on.

B-

The Rezort is streaming on Netflix now.

Sexy survivors, Jessica De Gouw and Elen Rhys.

VOD Review: Vampyres (2016) #31daysofhorror

"This is a very naked remake."

*SUBMITTED BY: Artsploitation Films, who sent us a handy screener.

Female Vampires are a sexy and terrifying thing to behold. They're usually gorgeous and scantily-clad, which is great and all, but knowing that they're only using their feminine wiles to lure unsuspecting men like us to some dark place so that they can drain them of their lifeblood is just terrifying. As a man, let me tell you that we're just not strong enough to resist that kind of thing. We're simple creatures.

In the 70's, there were all kinds of vampire flicks that featured sexy female vampires. They all had that spooky, 70's Gothic vibe about them, and some of them even pushed the boundaries of good taste by offering gratuitous nudity, sex, and lesbianism. Back then, that was some scandalous shit.

One of the most famous of those exploitational vampire flicks was Vampyres (1974), which featured the stunningly gorgeous Anulka as one of the Devil's whores, and maybe even offered more graphic lesbianism on film than any other movie ever had before.

Now, it's been remade. We're not sure exactly why, but it has.

Vampire lovers Fran and Miriam live in an old house in the woods where they have sex with each other, and lure unsuspecting travelers back home so that they can drink their blood. Maybe even bathe in it. When a group of dimwit campers decide to set up their tents nearby, they get pulled into the erotic and blood-soaked world of the two sapphic vampires, which doesn't end well for most of them.

I'm not trying to be vague or anything here, that's really all there is to the plot. This isn't a very deep movie.

THAT'S THE LOOK OF LOVE.

This remake of Vampyres isn't a great movie. The acting is uneven across the board, which has a lot to do with most of the movie's stars speaking English when it's not their native language, which is always distracting to me; the story, while being rather faithful to the 1974 version, drags on with a lot of exposition that did nothing for the movie; and although the movie boasts plenty of attractive ladies, none of them had that special "it factor" that Anulka did in the original. Anulka was special.

But...

This remake does boast plenty of nakedness, lesbianism, sex, and a liberal amount of bloodshed that makes it a fun watch, at least on a visceral level.

"I... I LOVE YOU?"

The vampire ladies feed on plenty of victims throughout this one, and it gets messy. There's even a scene where the two vampiresses have some lesbian sex in a bathtub, while blood pours down on them from above, courtesy of a slit throat. Felt a lot like that scene from Hostel 2...

THEY SURE ARE HUNGRY. AND HORNY.

I'm pretty sure that this movie exists only to showcase a bunch of naked girls kissing each other. We can respect that.

BLOODY HOT.

If you're in the mood for a movie with an exploitational level of blood and gore (and let's face it, sometimes we're all in that mood), then Vampyres will probably give you your money's worth.Just turn off the part of your brain that craves substance, and you'll be fine.

C

Vampyres will hit VOD and DVD on October 18th.

The lovely ladies of Vampyres.