Blu-ray Review: The Ring (2002)

(aka 7 Days)
Release Date: October 18th, 2002.
Country: USA
Rating: PG-13
Written by: Ehren Kruger, Koji Suzuki, and Hiroshi Takahashi.
Directed by: Gore Verbinski.
Starring: Naomi Watts, Martin Henderson, Brian Cox, David Dorfman, and Daveigh Chase. 

Not only was The Ring the first J-Horror remake to hit it big at the Box Office, but it ended up being nearly as good as the original was, which is no easy thing to accomplish. Many have tried to competently remake Asian Horror, and many have failed, or at least done a mediocre job of it.  

Now, 90% of the time we'll take the original over a remake, especially when it comes to Foreign Horror being remade for the English-speaking market, but The Ring was special in that it managed to work as its own movie without completely crapping all over the source material from which it was taken. It was also pretty damn scary.

Plus, how ridiculously hot was Naomi Watts back in 2002?

There's a cursed videotape floating around out there, and when you watch it, your phone rings, and then you die in 7 days. Sounds kind of cheesy, right? Well you tell that two the schoolgirl (outfit and all) who watched the tape last weekend with her friends. They're all dead now, and even though she's still alive... nope, she's dead now too.

WHEN THEY SAY 7 DAYS, THEY MEAN 7 DAYS.

The schoolgirl's hot Aunt Rachel, who also happens to be a journalist, gets wind of the Urban Legend of the cursed tape, and vows to track it down. She ends up finding it a cabin, where she watches it, and them promptly gets a phone call where a the voice of a little girl whispers "7 days" before hanging up on her. Prank call, or is it time for Rachel  to start being afraid?

AFRAID. DEFINITELY AFRAID.

Fearing her death, and the potential death of her creepy little son, Rachel uses all of her journalistic skills to find out where the tape came from, and to try to figure out a way to stop the curse before she ends up all twisted in some closet like her dead Niece. Filicide, creepy kids, scared horses, and lots of other unsettling shit ensues.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IN 7 DAYS.

One of the best Horror movies of the 2000's, The Ring proved that Foreign Horror (in this case, Japanese) can be re-made effectively. It also proved that there's nothing creepier than kids, whether they be evil or not. Both of the kids in this one were sufficiently creepy.

The thing about The Ring is that from the very start of the movie, it fills you with an overwhelming feeling  of dread, which doesn't really let up until the credits roll. Not sure how Gore Verbinski pulled it off so well, but good luck finding a more atmospheric movie from the early 00's. Especially one of the PG-13 variety. They're out there, but they are a rare beast indeed.

The mythology of Samara is what really got us the most, as our minds couldn't stop wondering who she was, and exactly how she came to be like that. The whole shady adoption and the fact that "she was never quite right" just made us think that the poor child was born with a Demon inside of her. Or at least some kind of spirit.

We also love how the movie seems to be drawing to a close, with a happy ending for all, and then it goes "Oh, wait. Just one more thing..." That one more thing ended up being a truly terrifying scene, and one of the most memorable of the past two decades.

WELL, WELL, WELL...

We would have really liked more backstory on Samara. We know that the lack of detailed backstory is a big part of what made her character so terrifying, but we're way too curious for our own good, and we really want to know more of the particulars of her birth, and the details of her adoption.

I guess we'll find all of that out in the upcoming prequel, Rings.

WHO IS THE GIRL BEHIND THE HAIR?

Being that this movie is 13 years old now, we have to wonder about the whole VCR Tape thing... I mean, no one really has a VCR anymore, so at some point the whole "you have to make a copy!" thing would have run its course, everyone who had seen the video would have been dead, and Samara's curse would be over. 

So really, the whole premise would become moot once DVD's came into being. *And don't give me the old "Well, they could have just uploaded the video onto the Internet!" bullshit, because back then, the Internet wasn't what it is now, and unless some Tech Geek got a hold of the tape to rip and upload it, no one would have been able to figure it out.

The premise worked really well for the late 90's (when the original story was written) though.

THIS MOVIE MAKES US MISS VIDEOTAPES.

Not a lot of gore in this one, but Samara's victims, when we do see them, are twisted up and mangled in some pretty disturbing ways. There's also plenty of other disturbing imagery throughout, even if very little of it is truly gory.

"MAKE A WISH, SWEETHEART."

It's PG-13, so you know that there isn't going to be any sex or nudity to be found here. Naomi Watts does traipse around in her undies though, if that's your thing.

OH, AND SAMARA IS ALL GROWN UP NOW, AND LOOKS WAY LESS CREEPY.

Never adopt. How many Horror movies do you need to see before you understand that all adopted kids are evil, and will only try to kill you in the end?!? Movies don't lie!

YEAH. SHE'S A KEEPER.

An effective Supernatural Thriller that used the trappings of technology to maximum effect (at least for its time), The Ring is about as solid as a movie of its kind can hope to be. It's intelligent, moody, and most importantly, it's scary enough to get under your skin in the most uncomfortable of ways.

If you haven't already seen this top-notch remake, then you should. 

A

The Ring is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Oh, Naomi...

VOD Review: The ABCs of Death 2 (2014)

It's hard to rate a anthology film like The ABCs of Death as one movie, with one grade, as there are 26 filmmakers giving us 26 wildly different short films here, each of which is going to differ in quality, for better or worse. If we're being truly objective about it, we'd rate each short film and then come up with some sort of a median grade for all of them as a whole.

We are absolutely not going to do that though, for multiple reasons.

So whatever grade we assign to this movie, or any other Horror anthology film, it will be for the overall experience of it as a whole. The sum of the parts, if you will.


We found the first ABCs of Death (our review HERE) to be pretty entertaining overall. It was big, bold, and its good aspects outweighed its bad, even if it was only slightly. With The ABCs of Death 2, we get more of the same, and even if there is no short in this collection that stands out quite like D is for Dog did in the first movie, there are some really great efforts to be seen here. A few are even exceptional.

Below, we'll give a brief summary of all 26 short films, and we'll do our best not to spoil any of their reveals for you. Also, we'll only be using pictures for the entries that we really liked, so that they stand out a bit more.

A is for Amateur (Directed by E.L. Katz) This first entry takes place in an air vent, showcasing a bumbling hitman that isn't quite the assassin he imagines himself to be. Aside from the silly ending, we liked this one. 

DON'T QUIT YOUR DAY JOB.

B is for Badger (Directed by Julian Barratt) This one, about Mother Nature giving a jerk of a TV Show host exactly what he deserves, was supposed to be funny, but it did nothing for us.

C is for Capitol Punishment (Directed by Julian Gilbey) A small town lynch mob dispenses their own brand of justice to a man accused of killing a young girl. This one was pretty good, and fairly nasty on the violence front.

D is for Deloused (Directed by Robert Morgan)  An odd, creepy, nightmare that is told through the magic of claymation, this one reminded us of something you'd see in a Tool video. Pretty damned creative.

"I AM JUST A WORTHLESS LIAR. I AM JUST AN IMBECILE."

E is for Equilibrium (Directed by Alejandro Brugues) Two men who are shipwrecked on an island come to blows when a hot chick washes up on shore. A bit too goofy for our tastes, especially the ending.

F is for Falling (Directed by Aharon Keshales and Navot Papushado) The directors of Big Bad Wolves bring us this interesting short about an Israeli soldier hanging in a tree, and what happens when an Arab soldier finds her. Strong commentary, and a solid entry.

YOU KNOW WHAT CAN BRING ABOUT WORLD PEACE? MORE CLEAVAGE.

G is for Grandad (Directed by Jim Hosking) A jerk-off grandson finds out that his grandad isn't quite the wanker that he makes him out to be. Literally. This one was fun in an odd way, and the ending made us cringe.

H is for Head Games (Directed by Bill Plympton)  An odd bit on animation that was really not our thing, we checked out Twitter messages during this one. Blah.

I is for Invincible (Directed by Erik Matti) This one, which involves a family trying to off their matriarch to get an inheritance, was pretty fun and gruesome, if a little bit silly.

J is for Jesus (Directed by Dennison Ramalho) A solid entry about two priests trying to exorcise the gay out of a guy, and how the guy's father learns that his son isn't the one possessed. Not bad.

K is for Knell (Directed by Kristina Buozyte and Bruno Samper) A woman on a balcony witnesses everyone in nearby apartment buildings being murdered, and then finds herself in danger. This one didn't make a lot of sense in the end, but it's the one that we liked most out of the 26 entries. Creepy stuff.

WTF IS GOING ON HERE?

L is for Legacy (Directed by Lancelot Oduwa Imasuen) This goofy, cheesy story a tribal sacrifice and a dude in a bad monster suit, left us cold.

M is for Masticate (Directed by Robert Boocheck) This slow motion entry, about a guy causing havoc while running down the street, was entertaining, and the ending made us laugh. Nice job.

METH: NOT EVEN ONCE.

N is for Nexus (Directed by Larry Fessenden) We wanted to like this one, about a group of costumed people converging on the streets on Halloween, but it just came off as dumb to us. I mean, what kind of an idiot rides a bike in a Halloween mask while talking on the phone? Meh.

O is for Ochlocracy (Mob rule) (Directed by Hajime Ohata) This one was a nice spin on the overdone zombie genre, and was definitely one of the better entries of the 26.
 

PRETTY COOL PEZ DISPENSER.

P is for P-P-P-Scary (Directed by Todd Rohal) This bunch of bullshit fuck-baggery made us want to punch someone. Honestly, if we had been in a room with this Todd Rohal guy while watching this tripe, he would have caught a smack. Or three.

Q is for Questionnaire (Directed by Rodney Ascher) This was a fun one, even though we're not quite sure what the point of it was. Nice bit of gore at the end too.

R is for Roulette (Directed by Marvin Kren) The more we think about this one, the more we like it. It took us a second to realize what happened at the end, but once we realized what Marvin Kren had done, we were duly impressed. One of the best entries of the collection.

NEXT TIME, PLAY WITH A 9MM; THE GAME WILL GO FASTER.

S is for Split (Directed by Juan Martinez Moreno) This one, about a husband on the phone with his wife as a hammer-wielding intruder is chasing her around the house, was pretty intense and satisfying. The reveal at the end made it extra fun.

"SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT DINNER ISN'T READY YET?"

T is for Torture Porn (Directed by Jen and Sylvia Soska) Expected way more from these two, as American Mary was such A great flick, but this short is a pandering mess. Easily one of the worst shorts of the 26. *It really hurts me to say that.

U is for Utopia (Directed by Vincenzo Natali) Ugly people do not fare so well in this dystopian society where the beautiful ones rule. This short boasts top-notch visuals and was a lot of devilish fun, even if the message was a pretty fucked up one.

WE ASSUME THAT THEY ALSO HAVE A "NO FATTIES" POLICY AS WELL.

V is for Vacation (Directed by Jerome Sable) This one got on our nerves, mainly because the one guy was an annoying dick, but it's a pretty effective and nasty effort, none the less.

W is for Wish (Directed by Steven Kostanski) This one was pretty great at the beginning, as it reminded us of the toy commercials that populated our Saturday morning cartoon-watching, but it didn't finish quite as strong. A fun watch though.

X is for Xylophone (Directed by Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustilo) For the love of Christ, does Beatrice Dalle always have to play the creepiest bitch in the universe? Whoever would hire her to babysit their kids deserves exactly what they get. Grisly ending here.

Y is for Youth (Directed by Soichi Umezawa) Another great entry, this one deals with a teenage girl who grows tired of her parent's shit, and the price they pay for earning her contempt. An odd, but great entry.

OH, JAPAN. ONLY YOU.

Z is for Zygote (Directed by Chris Nash) A woman, pregnant and abandoned by her husband, is determined to keep her unborn baby in the womb so that it can't leave her too. This one was just disturbing as hell, and equally as weird. And good.

The ABCs of Death 2 is a solid sequel that improves upon the first film, for the most part, and it should greatly please those Horror fans who like their stories short and sweet. It's definitely worth a rental.

B

The ABCs of Death 2 is available now on VOD, and is in theaters on October 31st.

The ABC's of eye-candy.

(Import) DVD Review: 7500 (2014)

You know, I actually found myself kind of liking this movie right up until the back half, when it promptly shit the bed.

7500 was originally supposed to be released waaaay back in August of 2012. For some reason, it was delayed until April 2013. For some other reason, it was delayed again until October 2013. For yet another unknown reason, 7500 was delayed again until sometime in 2014.

It doesn't really matter what the specifics are, because when a movie is delayed that many times over the course of two years, it's because it sucks, and the people who own it, know it.

Some people will surely say that 7500 won't be released because of the recent real-world disappearance of Malaysian Flight 370, which would make sense due to the film's subject matter and similarities to that tragedy, but make no mistake; this movie has been shelved over and over again since 2012 because it's really bad.

This review is going to be Spoiler Heavy, because there's no way to avoid spoilers if we're going to discuss this movie in appropriate fashion.

Flight 7500 is en route from L.A. to Tokyo, with a lively cast of characters on board, all of whom have some serious issues; there's a vacationing couple who are only happy on the surface; a doucher thief; a married couple,one of whom is a snobby bitch; a creepy dude with a mysterious wooden box; a Goth chick who is overly-witty and not afraid of death; and two stewardesses, one of whom is a spineless lair, the other a whore.

THE WHORE IS IN RED.

After the plane experiences some turbulence, creepy box guy winds up vomiting blood, and dies. The plane carries on, and the guy's corpse is moved to the upstairs section of the plane, and covered with a blanket. Soon after, another incident occurs (in which the plane experiences a drop in cabin pressure, oxygen masks drop from their little compartments, and an eerie smoke fills the cabin), and everyone is even more freaked out.

BUT WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

Things go from bad to worse when creepy box guy's corpse goes missing, and everyone discovers a creepy and supposedly evil doll in his creepy box. From here on out, people begin to die at the hands of some off-camera monster or something, and by the time the end of the movie rolls around, you realize that the whole thing has been some sort of allegory about being at peace with how shitty of a person you are before you die. Yeah.

DON'T WORRY, MATE, NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW YOU WERE IN THIS MOVIE, BECAUSE IT WILL NEVER SEE A PROPER RELEASE.

7500 could have been a solid movie: it's got a great cast; an interesting premise involving a Shinigami Death Doll; and a competent director in Takashi Shimizu, who is no stranger to Horror films. Sadly, the script is so bad, and the movie was executed in such a haphazard and ineffective way, that there's really not much that could have saved it from it's own silliness.

I guess our biggest issue with 7500, is that we hate movies that kill their own mojo with a shitty ending, or a lame twist that negates everything that they've been selling you up until that point; in this case, it's the old "the characters are dead, but don't really understand that they're dead" gag that killed it for us.

THERE WERE SOME PRETTY CREEPY MOMENTS IN THE MOVIE, BUT NOT NEAR ENOUGH OF THEM.

It's obvious that the filmmakers tried to make a Supernatural movie here, and it is one, but when it turns out that the characters are already dead for most of the movie, the only Supernatural aspect of things lies in the fact that they were ghosts who weren't ready to let go and cross over? There was no evil force trying to kill anyone, and the whole Death Doll subplot felt like a ruse, because the movie is really about a visage of death "taking" the spirits of the already-dead to the "other side" once they're "ready" to go. 

When you sell me on a premise involving an otherworldly force of some sort killing off the passengers on a plane, don't you dare give me this "they were already dead, and everything that happened after that didn't really happen in the way that it seemed to happen" bullshit. Maybe with a solid script, a story like that could have been effective and worked the way that this one was envisioned to, but that's just wishful thinking on our part.

MARILYN MANSON'S CAMEO IN THIS MOVIE WAS COMPLETELY WASTED.

The cast really tried here, as most of them are all solid actors in their own right, but they had very little to work with. In fact, it was baffling how well they were doing their jobs in the confines of such a mess of a movie.

The mechanics of the movie weren't any better. The "scary" parts of 7500 were all poorly executed jump scares, and every time something "happened," all we got to see were the actors staring off-screen and screaming... and then that was it. There was no visceral payoff whatsoever.

About the last scene in the movie, we wrote this in our notes: "That legitimately had to be one of the worst, most nonsensical jump scares ever."

Ditto that basic sentiment for the movie in general, and you have yourself the perfect summary of 7500.

THEY LOOK BEWILDERED. AT LEAST WE WEREN'T ALONE IN THAT.

It's absolutely no surprise that this movie was repeatedly, and still is, delayed, because it's just plain bad. If you really, really want to see it, despite our warning, it's available on German Blu-ray & DVD, so you could import a copy for yourself... or you could just move on to something else that would actually entertain you more.

Like watching paint dry.

While the movie may have sucked, it is at least populated with some very pretty ladies who made it all a bit more bearable.