Blu-ray Review: Evils of the Night (1985)

"If the tag-line "Full of sex, lasers, synth-pop, feathered hair, bikinis and axe wounds..." doesn't make you want to see this movie, then run away and do not look back."

A bunch of old-ass space vampires need the blood of the young to survive and remain immortal, so they head to Skank Bang Beach to capture and drain some local whores and their dimwit boyfriends of their life essence.

AH, SUMMERTIME.

The sex-starved teens (who look like they're in their 30's), party, swim, lay in the sun, have sex, and are kidnapped by two 90-year-old mechanics who deliver them to the space vampires in a hospital, who are equipped with rings that shoot weak laser rays, just in case their victims try to escape.

There's really all there is to the plot. Honestly, I probably overstated things a bit.

HE'S 120-YEARS-OLD, YOU CAN TAKE HIM!

Make no mistake, Evils of the Night is a bad movie. It's full of hot naked chicks, has tons of sex, and is amusing with its silly plot and even sillier acting, but if you don't like bad movies, then this one will pain you to watch.

It would make for one hell of an MST3K episode, though.

With classic names like Aldo Ray, Neville Brand, Horror legend John Carradine, Julie Newmar (the original Catwoman), and Tina Louise (Ginger from Gilligan's Island) in the cast, you'd figure that this movie was going to be something above b-grade, but no, they were just looking for a paycheck.

That's alright though, because their presence, along with the absurdity of the plot, acting, special effects, and gratuitous sex and nudity, make for one crazy, mixed-up, throwback of a good time.

IF YOU HAD A PENIS IN THE 80'S YOU KNEW WHO AMBER LYNN WAS.

Did anyone else notice that the Blu-ray art/poster shows the Millennium Falcon shooting through space? How Lucasfilm let that one slip by, is a mystery to me. And who did the producers of this movie think they were fooling to begin with?

Also, the "Features some of the most gruesome special effects ever put to film" line that I've seen used in reference to this movie is a straight-up lie. This movie is mostly blood-free, and if anyone says any different, you shouldn't trust the words that come out of their mouths.

THAT FEATHERED HAIR LOL.

Why did so many classic actors and actresses take such shitty roles in shitty movies during the 80's? Don't get me wrong, I'd take the easy paycheck too if I were them, but damn, you've really got to be broke to show up in a clunker like this. Worst of all is that they're all really trying to act in this one. Like giving a genuine effort.

They deserved better.

WHO THAT GUY IN THE MIDDLE IS, WE HAVE NO CLUE.

As cute as G.T. Taylor (who played Connie) was, how is it that she never starred in another movie besides this one? Sure, maybe she went onto something better in her life, but she was so 80's hot that it makes us sad that she went away.

SHE HAD SUCH POTENTIAL...

For a B-grade Horror flick from the 80's that shamelessly went the exploitation route, you'd figure that there would be plenty of gore and violence to be had here, but no. Although and axe and a drill provide some gore, this is a tame movie on that front.

BEHOLD, THE VIOLENCE!

I'm pretty sure that this movie was originally supposed to be some sort of softcore porn flick, because the first 20-minutes of this one is nothing but sex and nudity. Even 80's porn superstars Amber Lynn and Jerry Butler show up to get it on.

THIS IS WHAT GOOD FRIENDS DO ON A PUBLIC BEACH.

If you like bad movies, cheesy retro Horror, naked chicks, or Aldo Ray, then this is one disc that you need to own.The movie sucks, but it's definitely one to watch with a few cold beers when you're in the mood for some retro laughs.

Evils of the Night is available on Blu-ray, DVD and VOD now.

This movie is full of Retro Hotties, chief amongst them, the insatiable Amber Lynn.

VOD Review: Freaks of Nature (2015)

"Dumber than it needed to be, and better than it had any right to be."

Back in October, Freaks of Nature opened quietly in about 100 or so theaters, made around $100k, and then was gone.

Maybe Sony saw how funny other, better Horror Comedies like Deathgasm, The Final Girls, and What We Do in the Shadows were, and decided this one wasn't going to reach the same comedic level, and just didn't bother to promote it. Or do much of anything with it, other than bury it.

That's a shame, really, because even though Freaks of Nature wasn't perfect, it didn't deserve such shitty treatment by its own Studio. 

The small town of Dillford is an odd place, where humans coexist peacefully with vampires and zombies. The vampires are at the top of the social pecking order (because they're basically superhuman); the zombies are at the bottom (because they're basically mentally handicapped); and the humans are stuck somewhere in the middle, because they're ordinary in most respects.

I know, it sounds kinda silly, but it's a movie. Let's just accept it and move on.

YES, ZOMBIES EAT CANNED BRAINS.

Dag is a High School kid who is in love with the class whore, Lorelei... who is sleeping with Milan, the sexy, Edward Cullen-like vampire bad boy... who the sweet and naive Petra is so in love with, that she's willing to become a vampire to be able to stay with him forever... and then there's Ned, the socially awkward genius who doesn't have anybody. They're all about to have a bad week.

SOMEHOW, THEY ALL END UP NAKED TOGETHER.

When an aliens (the space kind, not the kind that Donald Trump hates) descend upon Dillford, it's a free-for-all between the vampires, humans, and zombies, as they try to survive the impending Alien Apocalypse. Of course, Dag, Petra, and Ned are caught in the middle, which provides for all sorts of hi-jinks and hilarity.

QUICK, PULL OFF HER BRA AND USE IT AS A WEAPON!

As messy as this movie was in places, we actually found ourselves enjoying it for the most part. It's not side-splittingly funny or anything, but it does have some genuine laughs throughout. It's not overtly gory, but then again, there's no shortage of blood and guts to be had here either. It even has some moments of straight-up romantic teen drama present, but then even that was only sometimes.

I guess it's not a bad movie in general, but it sure is an uneven one that suffers from trying to do too much all at once. A tighter script could have made it something special.

ALL THAT POTENTIAL...

Denis Leary did his usual funny thing here, as did Keegan-Michael Key, but it was Bob Odenkirk who stole the show, humor-wise. We genuinely laughed our asses off when he said "Why does it have a German accent?!?" The guy has perfect comedic timing. 

Vanessa Hudgens played one hell of a sex-bomb, and she provided a really nice visual distraction throughout the movie. We're actually kinda surprised at how decent of an actress she is. We're not at all surprised that Mackenzie Davis is a good actress, because she's great on AMC's Halt and Catch Fire, and so it's natural that the QT was probably the best actor of the bunch in this one.

It was also fun, and genuinely odd as hell, to see famed director Werner Herzog providing the voice of the alien leader. Where in the hell did that bit of casting come from?

BLOOD IS DEFINITELY HER COLOR.

Aside from the tonal inconsistency, and the fact that the movie wasn't as funny as it could have been, the only part of the whole thing that really didn't work for us, at least in a major way, was the zombies. There wasn't much about the zombies that was funny, and some of the undead bits were just painfully un-funny. Had the movie gone a different way with them, like not let them speak or try to act human at all, it probably would have been fine, as they could have played a great straight man to the comedic Human vs. Vampire antics.

DID WE MENTION THAT THE VAMPIRES IN THIS MOVIE EXPLODE WHEN STAKED? BECAUSE THEY DO.

Someday, aliens will arrive on Earth, and kill us for our fast food. Also, Denis Leary is awesome, and he really needs to be in more stuff.

MAN DO WE EVER MISS TOMMY GAVIN.

Freaks of Nature, which was originally titled Kitchen Sink, suffers from exactly what that original title implies; there's just too much going on in this one, and it's basically an exercise in underwhelming chaos. Had it been scripted tighter, the humans vs. zombie vs. vampire vs. alien storyline might have worked better than it does here.

As it stands though, if you can excuse its clutter, then you'll probably find Freaks of Nature about as enjoyable as we did... which is to say, mostly. 

C+

Freaks of Nature is available now on VOD.

Vanessa Hudgens and Mackenzie Davis make for a perfect pair of sexy vampiresses.

DVD Review: Slither (2006)

(aka Night of the Creeps 2.)
Release Date: March 31st, 2006.
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: James Gunn.
Directed by: James Gunn.
Starring: Nathan Fillion, Elizabeth Banks, Michael Rooker, Gregg Henry, and Tania Saulnier.

You know, with all of the zombie movies that we've been watching lately, it's become apparent that when done right, the zombie comedies tend to be the best of the bunch. We know: Slither isn't exactly a true zombie movie, but it does involve a viral outbreak which turns people into zombie-like monsters, so it counts.

Either way, Slither is a clever little movie that bears more than a passing resemblance to another "alien slugs turn everyone into zombies" movie, Night of the Creeps. Both movies are highly entertaining, but there's just something about Slither that excites us more. It's probably that Slither is more grandiose and crazy in its delivery, and goes to crazier places than does Night of the Creeps, but it could just as easily be the presence of Elizabeth Banks that makes us love it so much. It's complicated.

A meteorite crashes into the woods near a small South Carolina town, bringing with it a gelatinous parasite that has a vagina on its back. When a horny Grant Grant's wife refuses to put out, he heads to a bar where he picks up a local strumpet and lures her into the woods, presumably to get laid. His romantic plans go awry however, when they happen upon the parasite and it shoots a barb into his chest, thus taking over his consciousness.

BACKGINA.

With his transformation into a mutant octopus thing well underway, Grant begins killing small animals around town, because he's hungry. When his wife begins to question his rapidly deteriorating appearance, Grant runs off and jams his overpositors into the same strumpet's tummy, and injects her with his slug seed. Then he kidnaps her and starts her on the same diet of dead animals and fresh meat that he's been on. She's going to be a mother, after all, so she needs her nourishment.

WAS IT RAPE?

It's not long before the whole town is infected by Grant's slug babies, and they turn into zombie-like extensions of him, forcing the Sheriff and his men to hunt him down and stop him. Will the Sheriff stop Grant from taking over the world? Will the Sheriff take the opportunity to movie in on Grant's hot wife, now that hes a mongoloidal monster? Is there any Dr. Pibb in the cooler? Far be it from us to spoil anything for you here, but suffice it to say that there is no Dr. Pibb in the cooler, and somebody is not going to be happy about it.

SHE DOESN'T CARE THOUGH. SHE PREFERS FRESCA.

As Horror Comedies go, this movie is top-notch. Slither hearkens back to the time of 50's B-Movies, where cheesy monsters besieged Anytown, USA and wreaked havoc on its citizens, and it does so with a healthy amount of affection, and a great deal of levity. There are plenty of nods to other Horror properties throughout the movie, like The Thing (1982), Stephen King's The Stand, The Brood (and a few other Cronenberg flicks), The Blob, Predator, Troma, Frank Henenlotter, to name a few. It's really great to see a Horror movie like this made by someone who obviously loves Horror movies.

Slither is also a gory beast of a movie which boasts some fantastic practical FX work. 

Slither is also blessed with a solid cast of actors that have great comedic chops. Nathan Fillion is a vastly underrated actor by just about everyone outside of Geek circles, and his brand of sarcastic humor is a perfect fit in this one. As creepy and imposing as Michael Rooker can be, he's equally as funny, and his performance as Grant Grant in this one shows just how dynamic his range is. Some of the funniest bits in Slither belong to Gregg Henry, another underrated character guy who is awesome in everything he stars in.

And let's not forget about Elizabeth Banks. She's a super QT, she's funny, and she's no stranger to genre work. It's easy to see why she seems to be in everything lately.

SHE'S GOT THAT PREGNANT 'GLOW' ABOUT HER, DOESN'T SHE? 

The only scene in the movie that was even remotely scary was the part where Tania Saulnier's home is invaded by the slugs, and that sucks. It's not a big complaint, as the movie was definitely played more for laughs than it was Horror, but that whole sequence worked so well, and was so intense, that we just wish there had been a few more like it.

THEY'RE ITCHY.

Poor kitty!

NO, WHISKERS, THAT'S NOT A CAT TREAT!

There's no shortage of gore and disgusting imagery in Slither. Whether it's slugs crawling into people's mouths, "zombies" eating people, people getting split in half, thousands of slugs exploding from a person's bloated body, or people getting their faces shot off, this movie is all sorts of wet and red.

THE PRACTICAL FX IN THIS MOVIE WERE RIDICULOUSLY GOOD.

We get a very quick flash of Tania Saulnier's goods during a bath scene, but aside from that, this movie is pretty tame in the sexy department.

STAND UP, WOMAN!

The real bright spot of this movie is its dialogue, which was sharp and laugh-out-loud funny. Clark Gregg's rant about Dr. Pibb was probably the best verbal bit of the movie, but both he and Nathan Fillion had plenty of great lines throughout.

THIS GUY lol

James Gunn is a mad genius. Also, Nathan Fillion and Michael Rooker should be bigger stars; God, they're so good.

WORST BABYSITTER EVER.

We've always been baffled at how poorly Slither was received by audiences; not only did it bomb at the Box Office, but to this day there's been no U.S. Blu-ray release, and it remains for many people a largely unknown movie. That's a real shame, because Slither is probably one of the wittiest and most entertaining Horror Comedies that we've ever seen.

It's no surprise to us that Guardians of the Galaxy was one of 2014's biggest hits, because James Gunn knows how to make an entertaining movie. The proof is right here.

A

Slither is available now on DVD and VOD.

These lovely ladies make the world of Slither a far prettier place to visit.