Review: Little Deaths (2011)

Hobo Rape. Nazi Gimp sperm-milking. Dog domination. These are the main ingredients in Little Deaths; a crazy, demented little movie made up of 3 vignettes, all about the Horrors of relationships. I swear, the fucking British are always on about something that manages to creep me out.

"House and Home" is the first story of the three, and involves a rich couple who love Jesus, and so they love to spend their time doing good deeds. They also love to invite homeless people to their crib, drug them, and then take turns raping them, because who in their right mind doesn't love to rape homeless people? The wife is a snooty bitch, and her hubby is a simpering puss-bag, so right off the bat you can see who's in control. *I'm pretty sure it's her he wants to rape and kill, because she really deserves it. But, let's take out our anger on some poor destitute homeless chick instead...

Which brings us to Sorrow; the hot homeless chick with a very foreboding name. Right off the bat you should know that raping "sorrow" can't be the best of ideas. It's like trying to stab "hate," or bitch-slap "rage." Nothing good can come of it.

And of course, nothing does. Nudity, bondage, rape, face-pissing and blood ensues. Lots of blood.

Cheeky bitch.

Freaky bitch.

Things get way crazier in the second story, "Mutant Tool." It's the story of an ex-hooker who is trying to fight the urge to keep banging random strangers, yet keeps banging random strangers anyhow; and a Nazi-era Gimp with the largest peener I've ever seen, who is kept chained up so that he can be milked for his mutant load, which is then turned into a pill which enables people to have some sort of ESP high... I think. None of that is exaggeration. In fact, I'm holding back on some of it, to avoid crazy spoilers.

Seriously, this gimp is rocking the joint of a large Rhino here, and it's kinda scary. Being fed pureed human organs doesn't make things any less creepy, and seeing the chick take these crazy sperm pills and have a psychic link to the gimp while pissing blood doesn't help either. This is definitely Cronenberg territory.

It's hard to properly break this story down without using about 5,000 more words, so let's just leave it at this; it's trippy, creepy, and gross. Also, it might be best to watch this on some sort of hallucinogen. We're not condoning drug use, but it's true.

Biggest man-hammer ever.

Yeah. That's exactly what you think it is.

The last segment's title, "Bitch," has a double meaning; on one hand, it refers to the girlfriend of the story, because she's a raging bitch. On the other, it refers to her boyfriend, because he's a spineless man-bitch. Then again, it also refers to dogs, which can be bitches too, so really it has multiple meanings.

Bitch is the most twisted of the three stories, in a way, because it's one that is real, and you know things like this just have to go on in daily life with many couples. She's the Dom, he's the Sub, and he loves when she humiliates him, bangs him in his brown balloon knot with a strap-on, bangs other people and makes him watch, or even makes him walk around on all fours like a dog... which, by the way, she's profoundly terrified of.

After a while, he grows tired of his bitch treating him like a bitch, and since he's not one to bitch, he gathers up a bunch of bitches, and despite her bitching, ties her up... and we've said too much already. Suffice it to say that every bitch eventually bites back when beaten enough, and sometimes they travel in packs. Bitch. Just wanted to say that one more time.

Walk in, see this... what do?

This. You do this.

Little Deaths is a very visual & visceral movie, which primarily uses sexual dysfunction and overt violence tell its story. It's not all exploitation though; it's also interesting to see the reds, greens, blues and different hues on display here. The movie is artsy, without feeling too pretentious or overly self-important. It's obvious the 3 directors wanted to shock and maybe even make a small statement with their vignettes, but they also wanted it to be interesting and different. Maybe that's why the movie works.

All three segments were enjoyable in their own way, and for different reasons, but if we had to pick one as our favorite, it would have to be Mutant Tool. It was definitely the most "out there," and it was about an abnormally ginormous dick... how can you not love that?

*Disclaimer: we do not, as a general rule, "love" dicks. We prefer boobs. Although one of us, who is a girl, likes dick and boobs, but that's neither here nor there. Thank you.

Woof.

Don't rape homeless people. Don't be a hooker. Don't do drugs.

Also, be nice to bitches.

This was a different, fun, disturbing, sexually-charged look at sexual dysfunction and it's end results. Nudity, sex, blood and gore are the stars here, but there's also a big psychological component that drives the movie and its stories forward.

If you like your movies disturbing and mentally challenging, then you should grab a copy of this one and give it a go... then again, you'll probably like it if you enjoy large wangs and bestiality too. And piss. An buckets of sperm.

B+

Little Deaths is available now on DVD and VOD.

Little Deaths was definitely about sex, and that means here there be sexy women!

DVD Review: One-Eyed Monster (2009)

To say that I was totally surprised by this one is a gross understatement... Oh, and this review contains just a bit more vulgarity than usual, so be warned...

Cast Members of Note- Ron Jeremy, Ron Jeremy's penis, Amber Benson, Charles Napier and Veronica Hart.

Ron Jeremy's dick has been terrorizing the Porn world for over four decades now, and finally we have proof that it can kill. The crew of a porn shoot heads into the deep woods to make their movie called "Animatronic Donkey Blues." They're full of energy and ready to tap little Johnny behind the ear all weekend.

The face of a sex murderer!

A Celestial event sends a shooting star blazing towards earth, and naturally it takes aim at Ron Jeremy's penis; where else would you want to strike if you were a shooting star, other than maybe Bea Arthur's vagina? (Oddly enough, I wrote the Bea Arthur bit before I heard of her death today. R.I.P. Bea, thank you for being a friend.)

He's got "the glow," just like Taimak did in The Last Dragon!

The now "possessed" RJ heads inside to do his scene, and nearly screws Veronica Hart to death; luckily the guys rig up a super tampon made from 6-8 smaller tampons, and save her from bleeding to death. They can't save poor RJ though, as his penis rips free from his droopy body and decides to go on a rape/murder spree. From this point forward it's the unsuspecting porn crew against an Intergalactic-mutant version of Ron Jeremy's joint; and something other than the shit hits the fan. I won't spoil what happens next for you here, but suffice it to say that they don't call it a trap for nothing.

This is a trap, not the trap I was cleverly referring to above.

I absolutely laughed my ass off during this movie, and wasn't at all embarrassed that I did. It's got such a cheesy premise, and stars such B-list talent, that I was expecting another cringe-inducing pile of dung, but I was very pleasantly surprised to find it totally entertaining. Just imagine John Carpenter's The Thing, but with an Alien Cock causing all of the mayhem, and that's basically what you get here. The great part about this movie is that it doesn't take itself seriously at all, but they play it serious. If you've seen the 2006 Horror Comedy gem Black Sheep, then you'll have an idea of what this movie is like.

I've also got to take a minute to talk about Ron Jeremy: He can't act for shit, but he has a really endearing human quality about him that really makes me like him. The MEGA-HUGE porn icon has wanted to be successful in legitimate film for a long time, but he just doesn't have the chops. Still, movies like this make me cheer for him, and his dream.

Until that day Ron, here are Amber Benson's panties. Not a bad trade-off.

Ladies of the world, please let me warn you about the hazards of the penis; it's dangerous, and it can potentially kill you. And while we all love Porn (and the fact that you're enough of a Whore to make it and document your sex on video for us), the fact of the matter is that penis kills. Is it really worth your life? I hope this movie will make you think about that.

That's deep, man...

Ron Jeremy has had sex with more women than every other man alive... put together! It's a wonder his wang hasn't turned on him before this.

Yes, Ron, you're a whore.

There's some gore and blood in this, but there's also a lot of... um... well... sperm too. Either way, it gets pretty messy.

That certainly should count as gore...

It's a movie about a Killer Dick killing the cast & crew of a porn shoot, you would think it would have had more in the way of T&A, wouldn't you? Well, not so much. We did get some nakedness, but it was mostly courtesy of Ron Jeremy's sweaty man-boobs.

Guess which one we get to see naked?

I could list them all day, as this movie was full of great lines:

• "With the added weight and the back pains, all I can do is kiss the tip."
• "We're gonna need a bigger tampon."
• "I know you dug him, but that's his dick out there, and it's a mass-murderer!"
• "Wanna know what hell sounds like? I think it sounds like 30 men getting massacred by a dick!"
• Director: "Ok Ron, take off your sweater." RJ: "I'm not wearing a sweater."

This movie was funny as hell.

Veronica Hart, a true Hall of Famer.

Lidocaine... who knew? Also, "Suzy Chang's Crab Roll" is an actual film. Again, who knew?

Look at her pretending she can read. How sweet.

This movie is funny as hell, and works perfectly as a Horror Comedy. Just like Black Sheep, Shaun of the Dead, or Slither, it's played almost totally for laughs while fitting neatly into the Horror framework. Don't expect perfection, and I think you'll really enjoy this one.

B+

One-Eyed Monster is available now on DVD and VOD.

Amber Benson really neds to be in more movies.