Quick Review: The Man With the Iron Fists (2012)

Anyone who knows Hip Hop knows the Wu-Tang Clan; those Staten kids with different styles who mixed martial arts samples and references with sick beats and clever lyrics, and gave the rap game a much needed injection of dope ill fly rhymes that were off the heazy. Also, shizzle my nizzle. (I'm white, this is all I've got.)

Their founder, Rza, is not only a music-producing genius, but he loves him some Kung-Fu flicks. I still credit Gza's Liquid Swords album for introducing a legion of white kids to the awesomeness of the movie Shogun Assassin. *If you've never seen Shogun Assassin, see it now. Ditto listening to Liquid Swords.

Anywho, Rza is a brilliant producer/MC, but can he pull off writing and directing a movie too? He's an alright actor, and we know he is a lover of films of all kind, but loving and creating are two different things... still, for all he's given us, we owe him a chance to entertain us on the big screen.

Plus, the trailer looked too good for us to immediately dismiss this movie as a failure, without even seeing it.

Let's just keep the plot description simple here, shall we? Rza is The Blacksmith; a runaway slave who takes up residence in feudal China, and makes weapons for the people of Jungle Village. After learning the details of a massive gold shipment that is to come through said village, someone named Silver Lion kills his father, Gold Lion, which pisses off a bunch of people, including The X-Blade, who wants to kill Silver, Bronze, Iron, Puce, Magenta, Rainbow and White Lion.

Not this White Lion, because, who'd want to kill them?

Then Russel Crowe shows up with a knife-gun at Lucy Liu's whorehouse, violates a bunch of whores in creepy ways, and then decides he wants him some of that gold. The Gemini Killers and the Hyena Clan also want in on the gold action, although the Lion Clan isn't having any of that. They get some dude named Brass Body to protect their interests in the gold claim. This guy is massive, and can change his body to brass at will, making him virtually undefeatable... or is he?

This movies has its share of issues, trust us; it's a bit jumbled, the plot is incoherent at times, the acting isn't anything to write home about in most cases, and it's even goofy at times. There is a 4 hour cut of the movie out there, which may explain why so much of it makes so little sense at times or feels rushed, so we're hoping that the whole thing makes it to Blu-ray at some point. You know, to make more sense of it all?

We saw this movie for the Kung-Fu love and the over the top action, not for its tight script or perfect narrative, so not much of that really matters to us in this case. This movie plays it tongue-in-cheek, and it is absolutely self aware. It knows what it is, and doesn't care to be anything else.

So why did we like it so much?

Crazy Kung Fu action and the copious amounts of blood that comes along with it. The violence was really insane at times.

Russel Crowe. Not only is he awesome, but we think it's cool that he stayed boys with Rza after American Gangster, and came aboard this project to hook him up.

Lucy Liu. Hot and deadly, the perfect combination.

Batista is a beast, and it's always fun to see him destroy things.

Jamie Chung, because good God just look at her!

A great international cast of actors that know their martial arts.

Silver Lion. Sure, this may be a picture of Prince, but Silver Lion was pretty much the Asian Gangster version of Prince, hair and all. We kid you not.

As long time Wu supporters, it was a no-brainer for us to go see a Kung-Fu flick brought to us by the mind of The Rza, who loves and essentially built his empire off of Kung-Fu flicks. This isn't a great film; in fact it's a bit messy and dare I say amateurish, especially with some of the bad dialogue and that annoying voice-over. That said, this is a labor of love that does exactly what it was supposed to; entertain fans of Martial Arts flicks with some crazy fight scenes and visuals.
 
Anyone who digs the old chop-socky flicks of old will have a lot of fun with The Man With the Iron Fists. Those who are looking for anything else other than a fun time will find the movie lacking in many ways.

B

Don't know where this Jamie Chung girl came from (possibly Guam), but she is a stunner. Lucy Liu ain't half bad either.

Quick Review: Green Lantern (2011)

We're not dwelling too much on this one, because a review of a Superhero movie doesn't really belong here, but just for the Fanboys out there, we'll give a quick word or two:

This movie was pretty fun.

This isn't a lexicon-abiding, serious comic book movie at all; no, it's more of a lighthearted popcorn flick if it's anything. It felt a bit rushed in some places, lame in others, it lagged quite a bit, and it was as cheesy as it was visually stunning.

It was fun escapism that you'll forget about 10 seconds after you see it.

We felt like this at times watching this one.

But then she made things all better.

Tell me he wouldn't be perfect for Deadpool.

If you like Ryan Reynolds and his whole wry sarcasm shtick, and prefer style over substance, then this movie is a fun ride. Hopefully, if there's a sequel, it takes a more serious road though. And sucks less.

It's a solid C, for what it is.

Blake Lively made this one a better movie.

Quick Review: I Am Number Four (2011)

Let's start off by saying that yes, I Am Number Four is based on a Young Adult book series (even though only one book has been written thus far.) We were waiting for it to be like Twilight, only with superheroes or aliens, because let's face it, it had that teen-angsty thing going for it in the trailer. Scrolling through the movie's IMDB page to get a feel for what we might be in for, I found a mixed bunch of praise and hate. I read a lot of "reviews" in which people bagged on how cliche it was, or how it was like Twilight or 90 other teen angst movies, or how bland/boring/stupid/soulless it was, and I knew despair. Then I watched it anyway. And I liked it. A lot.

Alex Kissyfur.

Now, liking a thing does not necessarily speak to the quality of that thing. Preference and quality can be, and often times are, mutually exclusive. 

I Am Number Four has its shortcomings and certainly could have been better, but it was entertaining and fun, and isn't that what an action movie is supposed to be? I guess I just don't get exactly what it is that Sci-Fi geeks expect from a movie about a kid with telekinetic powers that can shoot light out of his hands...

What is there to like about this movie? I'll break it down for you in the simplest terms, and the most convenient definitions:

Timothy Olyphant- Two words: Seth Bullock and Raylan Givens. That's five words, but they're awesome, awesome words. Scenery? He chews it.

Alex Pettyfer shoots lasers out of his hands.

He also stops cars with his hands.

Number 69. Or maybe it's Number 6, I don't know.

Quinn Fabray is the most popular (hottest) girl in school.

Lasers!

Bernie Kosar. He's maybe the coolest dog ever.

It's a fun flick, bottom line. It's definitely geared more towards the Teen audience, but that doesn't mean it's anything like Twilight or that Justin Beaver movie that all the kids are going on about these days. The story doesn't break any new ground, but it's got hot chicks, aliens, awesome action, and Timothy Olyphant. What in the hell more do you need?

B+

Teresa Palmer and Dianna Agron arm number one.

Review: Battle: Los Angeles (2011)

"Check your brain at the door and just enjoy the coolness of it all..."

Sub-Genre- Invasion/Sci-Fi 
Cast Members of Note- Aaron Eckhart, Michelle Rodriguez, Bridget Moynahan and... Ne-Yo?

Once again, Hollywood has Aliens invading the Earth, and this time they're here for our water (because we have a lot of that.) There's no Will Smith to help us this time, so naturally Aaron Eckhart and his rag-tag band of Marines are called upon to step up and do the job. He fist fought the Earth in The Core and saved humanity, so I have pretty strong confidence in his world-saving abilities in this one too.

Yes, those are the world-saving fists.

Along the way, the Marines rescue a bunch of civilians and decide that the new mission is to get them to safety, which is extraction point Alpha Whisky Tango Charlie or something. I'm pretty sure that's treason, as they were ordered to guard a Police Station, but Aaron Eckhart is a softy, and just doesn't give a fuck. Yes, a Staff Sergeant CAN have a heart of gold! There's not really much else to say plot wise: everyone runs around shooting and hiding, and of course, dying. Oh, and Aaron Eckhart emotes. A lot. He also saves some kids and teaches them how to love again. Or maybe they teach each other.

Aliens interrupt the Staff Sergeant's game of "Don't ask, don't tell, or I'll kill your puppy."

If I had to describe this movie in one quick sentence, it would have to be something along the lines of "It's like Black Hawk Down with Aliens." The reason that the movie worked so well for us, was that it played more like a War picture than a Sci-Fi extravaganza. Much like Monsters and District 9 were more about the humans in the movie than the Aliens, BLA focused on the human condition; sure there's a huge, global, Alien Invasion going on, but this isn't a crap-fest like ID4 or Transformers, where the spectacle of it all rules the screen.

No, the human conflict drives this movie forward. We get plenty of Alien battle goodness, don't get me wrong, but it just doesn't seem as fluffy as most Sci-Fi flicks do. Then again, maybe I'm just a sucker for awesome special effects and sappy speeches. And Michelle Rodriguez killing things. Either way, this is a fun flick that didn't make us feel less intelligent for watching it.For the most part.

Spectacle.

There were one or two moments in the film that felt really... cheesy. Chief amongst them, is the scene where Aaron Eckhart starts naming off his fallen troops by name, rank, and serial number... I'm sure it was supposed to be deeply touching, but it came off as schmaltzy. I love an emotional catharsis as much as the next guy, but I prefer my tender moments to be touching, not sadly embarrassing.

Deep, deep thinking is going on here.

This movie made me aware that we stereotype rappers far too easily. We think them street savvy and rough, and don't stop to consider that maybe there is a multi-talented, multi-layered artist inside of that gruff exterior, just dying to express themselves by playing thugs, drug dealers and car-jackers on film. Good for you Ne-Yo. Now go and teach DMX how to act, would you?

"Shizzle!"

Exploding Aliens and dying humans abound, so there is a decent amount of the red stuff in this one.

The only thing naked in this movie was Aaron Eckhart's soul.

He cares so much... maybe too much!

Marines can pretty much defeat anything, Oorah! Also, Michelle Rodriguez is in every movie where a manly hot chick is needed.

Easy, Michelle. We get it.

As "mindless" actions flicks go, this one is pretty damned entertaining. Better still, it's not totally mindless; it tugs at the emotions a bit, and actually gives us characters that we end up pulling for. Battle:LA isn't wining any Oscars or anything, that's for sure, but if you like your Alien invasions loud, action-packed and fun, then you really can't go wrong here. I think it fits in well with the POV/Hand Held sub-genre, along with flicks like Monsters and District 9.

B

Even though she let Tom Brady knock her up, we like Bridget Moynahan. Tom Brady? I guess it's better than Ben Rapelesberger. Then again, she's banging McG now, so Tom Brady doesn't seem so bad at all by comparison...