Guilty Pleasure Review: The Sand (2015)

"Fans of cheesy, B-grade Horror should love the hell out of this one."

Blood Sand; The Sand; Killer Beach; The Beach That Ate the Whores... alright, maybe that last one isn't real, but it's fitting. Point is, this movie, whatever the hell it's really supposed to be called, has had a bunch of different titles, and whether you see it on cable, Amazon, or DVD, it could be using any of them.

Whatever title it does use, it's safe to say that The Sand is aimed at the type of audience that loves cheesy, exploitative Horror flicks.

I mean, just going by the poster, this movie really should be called The Tits, which is pretty much its main selling point anyhow.

There's nothing that screams Spring Break quite like a good old fashioned beach party, is there? Drinking, drugs, nudity, sex, a couple of guys rolling a gigantic, slimy testicle up to the bonfire because "let's burn it!" Good times!

GOOD TIMES INDEED.

Turns out that gigantic testicle had some sort of monster in it or something, because when a gang of hungover partiers wakes up on the beach the next day, they find themselves trapped in a lifeguard station, a car, and a barrel; if they touch the sand, little tentacles creep up, stick to them, and pull them under, where we imagine they're turned into some sort of liquid snack.

The next 60 minutes is all about then trying to get off of the beach (via surfboard), and not making it.

WHY THE BLACK MAN GOTTA BE THE ONE STUCK IN THE BARREL, HUH?

The Sand is clearly an homage to the 1980 flick, Blood Beach, and it plays a lot like "The Raft" segment from Creepshow 2, so at least you know it was made by people who love Horror flicks. It's also meant to be cheesy fun and not taken seriously, which makes it enjoyable in that so-bad-it's-good way that we love.

Sexy girls in bikinis, some gruesome kills. cheesy dialogue, and even a pretty funny cameo by Jamie Kennedy; there's a lot to like here for fans of B-grade Horror flicks.

We also dig Brooke Butler. We've loved her since All Cheerleaders Die.

I really wish though that they had made it the actual beach itself that was eating the kids. No explanation as to why (or maybe it was pissed off that a bunch of partiers littered all over it or something), just somehow this beach started eating any living creature that steps on it. That would have made it a bit more crazy fun. 

OUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE PART OF THIS MOVIE: NIKKI LEIGH.

I know this movie wasn't trying to be Citizen Kane or anything, but the script and acting are pretty bad on the whole.

THAT'S IT, ASSHOLE, SHAKE IT'S HAND!

The CGI in this movie is pretty bad. Like something you'd see on the average SYFY original movie kind of bad. The little tentacle things looked pretty cool though.

SO BAD IT'S GOOD.

There's some CGI tentacle violence that tries to be gory, but doesn't ever amount to much.

HE'LL STAR IN ANYTHING THESE DAYS.

The ladies all sport bikinis in this one, and they look great, but it's Playboy Playmate Nikki Leigh who decides that she doesn't need to wear a top, and she was quite a sight to behold.

THIS MOVIE WOULD HAVE BEEN 10 TIMES BETTER IF EVERYONE HAD BEEN NAKED. EVERYONE!

"Oil does not do that, or the Quickie Lube guy would earn more than minimum wage!"
"It was the Government!"
"Why is Fat Albert in the trashcan?"
"This is way worse than the lady with a horseshoe crab up her ass."

"BUT I POOP FROM THERE!"

If you like movies like Sharknado, Piranhaconda, Mega Fist vs. Butteroid, or any original movie that premieres on the SYFY Channel, then you're probably going to have a good time with The Sand. If bad, B-grade movies aren't your thing though, you should probably spend 80-minutes watching something else.

We had fun with it.

The Sand is available now on DVD and VOD.

The beach bunnies of The Sand are so hot, that they got their own Horror Hottie post, right over HERE!

DVD Review: Clown (2015)

*This is our review of Clown from March of last year. We're reposting it because it's finally out in the U.S.  

(aka The Little Short Film That Could.)
Release Date: June 17th.
Country: USA/Canada.
Rating: R.
Written by: Jon Watts.
Directed by: Christopher D. Ford and Jon Watts.
Starring: Andy Powers, Laura Allen, and Peter Stormare.

While most people seem to find clowns creepy to one extent or another, there are actually a lot of folks out there who are deathly afraid of them. Like us. *After surviving the bizarre and terrifying "We're never going in the woods behind our house again!" incident when we were 12, we've been reasonably afraid of clowns; especially when they try to get us to crawl into a drain pipe to drink some Mad Dog 20/20 and have a shirtless tickle fight. "Mr. Jingles" didn't get us that day, but he's haunted our dreams ever since...

Anyhow, having just watched IT  (review HERE), we thought that it might be fun to see if the Eli Roth-produced Clown could fill us with that same sense of terrifying unease... which it kinda did, albeit in an entirely different way.

A loving father going out of his way to dress up as a clown for his kid's birthday is a sweet notion, especially when he knows it will mean the world to that kid. Conversely, it's a creepy notion when that same father finds the clown outfit while sifting through a bunch of old clothes in someone else's basement (attic?), because you just don't know where that stuff has been.

YEAH, YOU SHOULD GO SEE WHAT'S IN THAT CHEST.

After donning the outfit he found in the trunk, Kent uses it to play Dummo the Clown, and give his son the birthday that he deserves. Then he tries to take the costume off, and can't. Embarrassed at having to wear the getup while taking his son to school, and then to work, Kent even goes so far as to try and cut it off with a Sawzall, but to no avail. His wife eventually helps him to get the nose off, but he ends up bleeding like a sieve in the process.

HER DADDY ALWAYS SAID SHE MARRIED A CLOWN...

Realizing that he's in some serious trouble, Kent then decides to track down the previous owner of the clown suit, which leads him to Peter Stormare, who explains to him that the costume is actually made from the skin of an ancient Demon. This Demon, called The Cloyne, eats kids, which is apparently why Kent has been so hungry since putting the suit on. Once Kent understands what is happening to him, Peter Stormare tries to behead him, but he escapes and goes into hiding.

THE CLOYNE.

From here on out, it's a battle of wills between Kent and the Demon, which can really only end with Kent eating a bunch of kids to appease the monster inside of him. Far be it from us to spoil what happens next, but suffice it to say that we'll never look at a ball pit in the same way again.

AWW, WHY ISN'T ANYONE PLAYING WITH HIM?

For something that started out as a fake trailer and then became a feature-length movie, Clown is pretty impressive effort. It may not have pushed the boundaries as far as we thought a movie produced by Eli Roth would, but it certainly had enough dark and disturbing content to appease us, at least for the most part.

Clown does a good job at creating and maintaining an effective feeling of dread throughout, even during its darkly funny moments. The idea of a guy putting on a demon-infused clown suit and not being able to take it off because it's become a part of him, is a truly terrifying concept... especially when it leads to him killing and eating children.

The last 15 minutes of the movie were pretty effective, and had us a bit unnerved. 

HE JUST WANTS TO JUGGLE, HONK HIS HORN, AND EAT KIDS.

When I sit down to watch a Horror movie called Clown, I want a movie that is about a killer clown, not a movie that spends 75% of its runtime showing us a guy turning into a killer clown. Some of the "pre-clown" bits were really good, but every time this movie got going, it slowed down again to remind us that Kent was still a man who was fighting against the Demon inside of him, and it just killed the momentum.

Clown would have been much better served by going all out with the clown carnage, and never looking back.

KILL MORE!

If you're going to have the balls to make a movie about a clown that kills kids, at least go all out with it, and leave me horrified. I'm not necessarily saying that seeing kids killed on-screen in a movie is the apex of entertainment or anything, but in the case of Clown, that exact sort of terrible imagery is supposed to be a part of the payoff.

A METAPHOR FOR WHAT'S ABOUT TO COME?

There's a fair amount of blood & gore in Clown, but most of the kills happen off-screen. We do get lots of blood spatter though, and even a decapitation or two. The part with the dog was pretty great.

DOGS WILL EAT JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.

Clown is a dry county, sex & nudity-wise.

No one likes clowns. Also, Peter Stormare is still awesome.

DOES ANYONE DO ODDBALL/CRAZY BETTER THAN PETER STORMARE?

Clown will no doubt terrify anyone who genuinely fears clowns, although those people probably wouldn't be watching it to begin with. For the average Horror fan though, Clown will most likely prove to be a mixed bag of great ideas and plodding executing. This Eli Roth-produced effort is definitely worthy of a watch, just don't expect it to be as shocking as Hostel or anything.

C+

Clown is available now on VOD.

Laura Allen doesn't clown around when it comes to looking good.

Blu-ray Review: Crimson Peak (2015)

"If you love Gothic Romance, then we incest that you see this movie."

(aka Family Matters.)
Release Date: October 1th, 2015.
Country: USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Guillermo del Toro and Matthew Robbins.
Directed by: Guillermo del Toro.
Starring: Mia Wasikowska, Jessica Chastain, Tom Hiddleston and Charlie Hunnam.

Even though we wanted more from it in the end, we really enjoyed Crimson Peak. Then again we're fans of Guillermo del Toro, so that was to be expected. We just totally dig what he has to offer as a storyteller, even if his narratives border on the sappy and sentimental from time to time.

When she was a little girl, Edith was visited by the ghost of her mother who warned her "beware of Crimson Peak!" 14 years later, Edith is all grown up, sexy, and is an aspiring author who would rather write ghost stories than romantic fluff. Seeing that it's 1901, she should be lucky she's writing anything at all, considering that most women didn't even have jobs back then. Sexism was everywhere!

"HOME. KITCHEN. YOU NO WORK."

When Edith meets Sir Thomas Sharpe, a sexy English business come to the new world to push his wares, she is immediately smitten. His cockney "Ow ya doin' there, Guvnah!" routine wears thin on her father though, and he tries to chase him off. Then her dad dies (rather mysteriously), and she marries Sir Thomas, and moves to England, to live in his broke-ass mansion, Crimson Peak. You know, the place her dead mother warned her to avoid 14 years earlier?

IF YOU WANT TO EXPLORE THE HALLS AT NIGHT...

There was apparently good reason for he mother to warn her about the place though, as Edith sees all sorts of ghastly and horrifying ghosts walking the halls of Crimson Peak at night. Also, Sir Thomas' sister, Lucille, hates Edith and wants to kill her. Because incest. It's all really just a creepy, fancy soap opera. With ghosts.

Gothic Romance ensues.

...THEN THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!

Whether or not you like this movie is going to depend greatly on how you feel about Gothic Romance. This is a "Horror" movie to be sure, but it's far more of a haunted love story than it is anything else. The visuals are top-notch, as is the cast, and Guillermo del Toro knows how to tell a story, both on paper and visually, and Crimson Peak definitely delivers some amazing visuals, and plenty of emotional beats throughout.

The movie has got a few intense and "Scary" moments throughout as well, even if it needed far more of them.

The cast does an excellent job with the material given them. Mia Wasikowska is lovely (in all ways) in this one, and Jessica Chastain plays cold and hateful so well, that we're pretty sure that's how she must be in real life Tom Hiddleston is one of our favorite actors working today, and his full range is on display here. Even Charlie Hunnam, whose role is a relatively small one, did well. 

CRIMSON PUKE?

The problem with this movie is that like many of Guillermo del Toro's projects, there's just not enough Horror present. As good as del Toro is at his craft, and as much as he loves all things Horror & Fantasy, he sure has a problem with making his movies truly horrific. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with his movies because they lack gore and tawdry sex or anything, but I'm really getting tired of them ending on a sentimental note, instead of a shocking one.

Crimson Peak would have been an instant classic back in the 70's, where it would have fit in perfectly with the Gothic Hammer Films that ruled the day, but in this day and age, it often times felt like a biteless throwback that desperately wanted to be an instant classic, but couldn't figure out how to pull it off.

GORGEOUS, THOUGH. THE MOVIE IS TRULY GORGEOUS.

As with the sex scene between Thomas and Edith, the ending was a bit anticlimactic. For all of the build-up, when the big confrontation at the end happened, it was all over far too quickly, and it left us unsatisfied.

That's what I mean about del Toro's films; they do an excellent job of setting the stage for something grand, and then they just don't deliver. Not fully, anyhow.

"EAT THIS SHIT, BITCH!"

Crimson Peak is a mostly bloodless affair, which we find odd considering the word crimson is in the title. To us, that title implies blood!

ALRIGHT, MAYBE THERE WAS A BIT OF GORE TOWARDS THE END.

Nope. For a R-Rated movie, there's next to no nudity on display. There are some sex scenes, but none of them are explicit in the least. There is a pretty strong current of incest running throughout the movie though.

NOT THAT THEY DIDN'T TRY...

Crimson Peak is a Gothic Romance that is disguised as a Haunted House movie. It's a gorgeous piece of work, and under the talented and gifted eye of Guillermo del Toro, it delivers a few competent scares and a bit of gore towards the end, but it's definitely a romance at its core.

If you like del Toro's brand of sentimental ghost story, then you'll no doubt love this one too.

B+

Crimson Peak is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Mia Wasikowska and Jessica Chastain can climb our Crimson Peak any day.