Giallo Month Review: Eyes of Crystal (2004)

*This is a repost of a review from 2009 of a great, little-known, modern-day Giallo.

We start off with some guy has an issue with animals, as evidenced by him torturing and killing an innocent squirrel! To make things worse, he guts it, stuffs it, and puts it on a bed in his creepy lair. He then names it "Tino," and tries to teach it how to smoke Italian cigarettes. Maybe his issues run deeper than just animals?

Poor little Tino; he wanted acorns, he got torture and cigarettes.

The creepy animal hater-guy heads out and attempts to capture a pelican to torture next, when he sees a young couple scrumping in a nearby field (with some 80-year old pervert watching them while tossing one off.) Deciding humans are more fun to dismember and stuff, he sets off on a multiple-murder quest to create a human jigsaw puzzle using body parts. Males sense.

That poor boob.

Detective Amaldi is on the case though, and is determined to solve the mystery behind the serial killings... as soon as he's done banging the hot Guiditta on the regular, having coffee, smoking, playing bocce ball, standing around contemplating what to do next... a Cop's life can be crazy busy!

Will Amaldi catch the killer, or will Giuditta be next on his list? Will the ending make little sense, yet still seem to work? I won't spoil the rest for you here, because it's Giallo and there are plenty of "surprises" ahead, but I will say that I still have no clue what Eyes of Crystal means. Thank you once again, Italian Horror!

"You a no worry, we a look everyone like thees."

I really do love Gialli films, and it's nice to see a modern day Giallo handled so well.

For those who have never seen an Italian "Yellow" movie, it's basically a stylish whodunit with a Slasher sensibility. Nudity, blood, graphic kill scenes, a twisting plot, stylish camera work, and often times really interesting music make up the typical Gialli. Argento, Bava, Fulci, Lenzi, Soavi; these are some of the genre's famed directors, and they've given us some true Giallo masterpieces throughout the years.

This one is stylish and well-executed in its own right; it took me back to the 70's and 80's, and reminded me of the classics from that era that I still love to this day. It's tense and brutal, bloody and atmospheric, and kept me interested for its entire running time. Even the characters get some decent development in this one, and weren't just wooden caricatures as they so often are in these films.

If she's wooden, then she's a soft, supple wood that smells like cocoa butter and curiosity.

 

What was the point of the little boys attempting to rape that doll? And the way the mother smiled when she caught them... just wrong.

You just can't un-see some things...

Who in the fuck tortures a squirrel like that?!? That poor little thing was so scared, and he was shaking...

Feel free to kill her, but leave the animals be!

A chick gets her boob shot off, a squirrel gets murdered, and old pervert gets shot in the junk while rubbing one out in a field, and old chick loses her arms, another loses her legs... It's Giallo, so you know that there's plenty of blood and gore to be found here.

Looks like they just got done making hate.

We get some 70's style bush and some bare boobs and butts. You can always count on the Italians to deliver in this category. Well, usually.

Move your arm, dummy!

 

Killers in Italy always wear gloves. Also, animals around the world are suffering right now as we speak, and we must do something about it! R.I.P. Tino.

At least Gabagool made it, that sweet little furball.

A great modern day Giallo flick, Eyes of Crystal is very satisfying on all levels. This is the best "new" Giallo I've seen since Argento's Opera back in the 80's. Get a hold of this one on DVD and give it a shot, you won't be disappointed.

B

Eyes of Crystal is available on Import DVD.

She kisses girls.Thought it was worth noting.

VOD Review: Exhibit A (2007)

"A Found Footage flick that actually feels like it's found footage."

SUBMITTED BY: Noorel Yaquin, who really enjoyed its Found Footage aesthetic.

Found Footage is kind of the bastard sub-genre of the Horror world anymore. Most FF flicks are made on the cheap; they use the same lame tricks and plot devices to tell their story; they make little to no logical sense; and they seldom follow their on rules.

Most of them tend to suck. 

But every once in a while one comes along that does things right, and reaffirms our belief in the whole conceit. Exhibit A is one such FF flick, and while it's not a perfect effort, it sure does showcase exactly what Cinema Verite movies are supposed to be.

The King's are a typical family living a typical life in Yorkshire, Northern England. Daughter Judith has just received a present of a new video camera from her father, which she immediately uses to film their daily lives. She also likes to film the girl next door whom she has a crush on, which kind of makes Judith a creeper.

YES, GIRLS CAN BE CREEPERS TOO!

As typical as they may be, there is trouble brewing for the King Family, though none but Dad know it; they're all banking on his new promotion to move to ease their money troubles and allow them to move to a better home, only it doesn't exist. Neither does Dad's job anymore. As Judith films everything going on around her, she captures her father's stress-induced breakdown, which is sure to end well for none of them. Especially her.

WHAT IS HE ON ABOUT?

Exhibit A is an incredibly grim Found Footage movie that feels like it could absolutely be real. Hell, we see stories like this on the news all of the time, so the movie plays like a slice-of-life piece that offers a look inside of a real-life headline.

Director Dom Rotheroe does the FF sub-genre proud by giving us a real story populated by real characters that are given plenty of room to develop. The pacing is slow, but the tension builds naturally and it never feels like we're watching any sort of gimmicky movie. The cast is also great, with a young Brittany Ashworth and Bradley Cole being the standouts; watching a man's breakdown from the perspective of both he and his daughter was compelling stuff, and the two of them gave weighty performances.  

The finale is what makes this movie so memorable though, as the horrific events that the movie has been slowly building towards unfold in one static take that was tough to watch because it felt so real. And that last shot...

DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL... SHOULD RUN!

No gore, but there is some violence towards the end.

THERE IS A HELLACIOUS TICKLE FIGHT THAT LEAVES EVERYONE EXHAUSTED THOUGH.

No, but the neighbor girl does some sunbathing.

WHAT WAS HER STORY? WE'D LIKE TO KNOW.

Exhibit A is Found Footage done right. It's a very slow burn, and it feels more like a dramatic character study than it does any kind of Horror film through most of its runtime, but there air of impending doom that hangs above the family throughout makes the chilling climax feel all too real.

Definitely worth a watch if you don't need a ton of action or gore gags to entertain/scare you.

B-

Exhibit A is available now on DVD and VOD.

Brittany Ashworth is all grown up now, and we like how she turned out.

Throwback Review: The Red Riding Trilogy (2009)

*This review was originally posted by us back in 2013, and while watching through the disc again this week, it felt right to clean it up and re-post it. It's that damn good.

Red Riding is a UK mini-series which is made up of 3 film-length episodes, each helmed by different directors, with varied run times

In the Year of Our Lord (1974) 1 hour, 42 min., shot on 16mm film with an AR of 16x9
In the Year of Our Lord (1980) 1 hour, 33 min., shot on 35mm film with an AR of 2:35:1
In the Year of Our Lord (1983) 1 hour, 45 min., shot on a Red One digital camera.

So what we basically have here is a 5-hour long story that unfolds over the course of nine years, and involves killers, pedos and corrupt Cops destroying a multitude of lives, all while painting a rather bleak picture of Northern England.

Alright. We're in.

We're going to keep this as detail-free as possible, so as to avoid spoilers.

A "Riding" is a jurisdiction/electoral district in a commonwealth. Red Riding is set in Yorkshire, England, which boasts North, West, and East ridings, and apparently has a metaphorical Red riding as well. I'm assuming this last riding is "Red" because of blood and murder and such.

1974- When a young girl goes missing, Yorkshire Post cub reporter Eddie Dunford (Spiderman) is determined to get to the truth behind the disappearance. He eventually learns of more missing girls, and when one shows up dead at a construction site run by local magnate John Dawson (Eddark Stark from Game of Thrones), he begins to suspect foul play! He also bangs the chick from Downton Abbey, and the grieving mother of one of the missing girls. As his investigation into the disappearances/murders gets deeper and deeper, he's beaten up by the Cops and goes completely off the fucking rails.

Shit does not end well.

HE FANCIES A PINT WITH HIS EVIL GLARES.

1980- The Yorkshire Ripper is still at large, and with his current tally of 13 victims, he's making the Coppers look like fools. Called in to help investigate, AC Paddy Considine comes to believe that the Ripper's hooker-victims and the murders of the young girls are unrelated, which makes most of his peers hate him. He begins to receive threatening phone calls in the wee hours of the morning, and tries to bang his partner. As his investigation into the murders gets deeper and deeper, he realizes that being a Copper in the North sucks.

Shit does not end well.

"U WOT MATE? I'LL HOOK YOU RIGHT IN THE GABBER, I SWEAR ON ME MUM!"

1983- Another young girl has gone missing in the West riding of Yorkshire, and DS Jobson (The Governor from The Walking Dead) is on the case. He's a bit of a shady dick, but he's all we 'ave, 'innit he? Meanwhile, a portly, half-assed Solicitor named Piggot (King Robert Baratheon from Game of Thrones) is hired to represent a possibly-framed man, and he starts investigating shit like a bloodhound. Soon, everyone is investigating shit, and as their inquiries get deeper and deeper, they all realize that Northern England is a shady, creepy-ass place to live. Or visit.

Shit ends kinda well.

HE'S PROBABLY INNOCENT.

It's hard to compare Red Riding to another TV show or movie, but in the interest of giving the uninitiated an idea about what to expect here, I'd say it's reminiscent of Zodiac with a twist of something like Ripper Street. Maybe. It's a dark, bleak, story of a serial killer and the men who are determined to bring him to justice. Most of the Cops are crooked in this one, which adds a layer of political corruption to the proceedings. It's almost like it's an anti-Cop mini-series.

Once you've seen all three parts, and the story comes full circle, it's pretty epic. When you finally know everything and really think about what these murdered kids went through, it's downright chilling. It's all rather effective and engrossing, and was a much-welcomed surprise for us.

Aside from its strong plot and realistic setting, there's also a wealth of superb acting talent on display in this series. Red Riding is filled with faces that are familiar to audiences world-wide:

DON'T DISMISS ANDREW GARFIELD AS MERELY THE GUY WHO PLAYS SPIDERMAN, BECAUSE DUDE CAN ACT. HE SHINES IN THIS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW PADDY CONSADINE ISN'T A BIGGER STAR. HE'S GOT CRAZY PRESENCE.

PETER MULLAN IS ONE OF THE MOST INTENSE ACTORS ON THE PLANET. HE''S ALSO CRIMINALLY UNDERRATED.

KING ROBERT BARATHEON! MARK ADDY IS A GREAT ACTOR WITH RANGE THAT GOES FAR BEYOND HIS GOT CHARACTER.

IT'S NICE TO SEE DAVID MORRISSEY GETTING SOME INTERNATIONAL LOVE FOR HIS ROLE ON THE WALKING DEAD. HE'S BEEN A FAVE OF OURS FOR YEARS.

ROBERT SHEEHAN IS ONE HELL OF AN ACTOR, AND IS PROBABLY THE MOST UNDERRATED AND UNKNOWN OF THE ENTIRE CAST, AT LEAST IN AMERICA.

SEAN BEAN: THE BEST ACTOR WHO DIES IN 90% OF WHATEVER HE STARS IN. HE'S WORLD CLASS IN OUR BOOK.

 

Though Red Riding is presented to us in three parts -1974, 1980, and 1983- the book series that it's based off of is a quartet, and there's a chapter of the story set in 1977 that was not a part of this mini-series. Now, I've not read the books, so I'm not sure if the material from In the Year of Our Lord (1977) was worked into the other three parts, or just skipped altogether, but dammit I would have gladly sat through a 90+ minute episode based on 1977.

MORE OF THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN FINE BY US.

There's a rumor out there that Colombia Pictures bought the right to turn the Red Riding books/movies into a feature film... and I'm here to say that there is absolutely no need for that to happen at all. The Red Riding Trilogy is more fine the way it is, and I can't imagine any remake, especially if it's just one feature-length film, doing the existing story any Justice whatsoever.

Why does every foreign property of worth have to be remade for American audiences anyway? I know that by and large, the American audience can't stand having to read subtitles, which I think is pretty sad. This is a British production, in which they speak English, so what's the problem with just distributing it to American audiences, and letting us enjoy it in all its splendor, instead of remaking it?

There should be a 20-year rule for remakes. Period.

OUR THOUGHTS EXACTLY, LADS.

This one really isn't about the gore, although there is plenty of violence and some murders to be had here. And torture. And dead bodies of children with swan wings sewn into their backs. It really is filled will all sorts of disturbing things.

HE'S SEEN SOME SHIT...

Aside from some naked nudie-mag pictures, most of the sexuality here is implied. Mostly, it's just Spiderman's naked ass that ends up on display.

SHE'S SO LOVELY.

"Never did one good thing did I?"
"This is the North. We do what we want."
"They’ve got sunshine down South and a warm summer breeze. We should just go there right now and never come back."

THE KRAYS ARE STILL ALIVE?!?

They do what they want in the North, and you'd better shut the hell up about it. Also, standard British TV fare is filled with some superb acting talent.

LOOK OUT! THAT SWAN IS COMING STRAIGHT FOR YOU!

Red Riding is one of the best TV mini-series that we've ever seen. It's totally engaging and absorbing, it's filled with great actors who all turn in solid performances, and it's disturbing as hell. It's not a perfect series, but for us it was a perfect experience that we'll be happy to revisit on a regular basis.

This is something you should definitely experience for yourselves. 

A+

Red Riding definitely delivered some 70's hotness for our viewing pleasure, in the form of Rebecca Hall and Michelle Dockery.