Theatrical Review: The Green Inferno (2015)

It's always interesting to us how so many people give Eli Roth credit for being "The Voice of Horror" for the modern age. Before Green Inferno, he'd only directed three movies: Cabin Fever, and Hostel 1 & 2, and depending on who you ask, those three movies aren't that great. *Not us, we love them all.

The point is, that as much as we like Eli Roth and his work, he gets an awful lot of credit for directing three movies, and producing some halfway decent TV Shows, and other movies.

So heading into The Green Inferno, we had high expectations. Not only is it Roth's first directorial effort in six years, but it's a mainstream cannibal movie that somehow managed to get an American theatrical release. For us, this movie was to be Eli Roth's return to form, and for the most part, it was.

*We also really hope that there will be some extensive Behind the Scenes material on the Blu-ray, as what the cast and crew went through while making The Green Inferno is every bit as compelling as the movie itself, and in some ways, even moreso.

Justine is an idealistic college freshman who wants to save the world. She's drawn to a social activism group mainly due to the Latin charms of its leader, Alejandro, and is talked into heading into the depths of the Amazon Rainforest, to save some trees from an evil logging company. Because there's not 2 million square miles of it or anything.

"OMG THOSE POOR TREES!"

Justine and her new SJW (Slacktivist?) friends hop on a plane, head to Peru, and chain themselves to said trees in order to protest the evil deforestation, which does absolutely no good, as it only slows things down by a day or two. You'd think that college students would realize that sort of outcome before risking their lives so foolishly, wouldn't you? But they took a brave stand, and now they can head back to their lattes and iPhones, knowing that they made no difference at all.

SHE'S BEEN AWAY FROM HER iPHONE FOR 3 DAYS NOW, AND THE PANIC IS FINALLY SETTING IN.

On the return trip home, their plane crashes, leaving them stranded in the middle of the Rainforest. Then, the very native tribe whose home they were there trying to save shows up, knocks them out with tranquilizer darts, takes them back to their village, and eats them one by one.

They probably should have just stayed home and protested on Twitter.

...AND THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!

The Green Inferno may not be all that deep, and its characters may be all kinds of dumb and annoying, but damn was it great seeing them get torn part and eaten. I know that sounds creepy, but this is a cannibal movie that exists to showcase its visceral nastiness, so what else are we supposed to say? Eli Roth did a nice job of offering up a bunch of pretentious and self-serving idiots to the cannibal gods, and as disgusting as some of it was to watch, it was equally as pleasing to see them get what they had coming. And some of them really had it coming.

There's no shortage of disgusting action in this movie, although it does take about 40 minutes for it to begin. The first kill, the diarrhea, what was in those bowls... the squeamish will definitely squeam during this one. It could have pushed the boundaries a bit more, but it was nasty enough, overall.

"WHY ARE WE EVEN HERE!"

The points that this movie made were pretty good ones, and were part of the reason that we liked it so much.

• First off, we live in a country where everyone is keen to take a stand on just about any hot button issue that comes along, even if they have no idea what they're rallying against. Most of this SJW (Social Justice Warrior) outrage takes place on the Twitters and the Reddits of the Internet, which doesn't really do much real world good, but leaves people feeling like they've done something brave and strong, inbetween filing reports at work, or watching cat videos on YouTube.
• Second, and maybe even more relevant, is the fact that so many "privileged" Americans are very quick to jump into the affairs of other countries as if its their right to tell other civilizations how to live. It's an entitlement thing, and it's maddening.

Now, people standing up against injustice is a great and necessary thing. With the advent of the Internet, people all over the world have a unified voice, and that voice can help bring about change, at least in some ways. Eli Roth is right though in his assessment of online SJW culture, and how people are overly-anxious to jump on the bandwagon of just about any cause, simply because its easy to yell "That's not right! It has to change!" from behind their computer screens, rather than get off their asses and actually help to change things for the better.

At least the kids in this movie did get off their asses and try to do actually something, even if they had no idea what they were getting themselves into (on multiple levels), and ended up dying for something that they probably weren't ready to give their lives for.

"THIS NEVER HAPPENED WHEN I PROTESTED KONY!"

There were two things about this movie that irked us.

For a cannibal movie, it was a little light on the gore. Make no mistake, the movie is pretty gory and nasty, but it really should have ramped up that nastiness a bit. After all, it's not like you're going to offend anyone who is paying to see a cannibal movie with more blood, violence, and gut munching. After the first kill, it seemed like the violence was dialed way back.

We were also a bit letdown by the end of the movie. It was a bit muddled and confused, and it left off with a tease for a potential sequel, which just felt odd.

WHAT IS SHE WINKING AT?

We loved The Green Inferno for its wicked wit, its mean-spirited jab at the SJW crowd, and because it's been forever since we've seen a decent new cannibal movie. It's not a perfect effort, and there will no doubt be as many people who hate it as love it, but Eli Roth returned to form with this one, and we hope that he keeps it going with next year's Meg, and the Cabin Fever remake.

For now though, it you like cannibal movies with a liberal sense of black humor, then go see The Green Inferno. Or maybe wait for it to hit VOD or Blu-ray. Either way.

B+

The Green Inferno is in Limited Theaters now.

Kirby Bliss Blanton went out like a champ in this movie, and she looked great while doing so. Lorena Izzo was no slouch either.

Quick VOD Review: Knock Knock (2015)

Evan is a rich, successful architect who has a beautiful wife and two adoring kids. And a beautiful home. And a cute little dog. It's all so sickeningly sweet and mundane that it plays like a Hallmark commercial, which incidentally, is the most terrifying part of the film.

IF THAT PICTURE DOESN'T TERRIFY YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL.

Lucky for us, two gorgeous girls, Genesis and Bel, show up at Evan's front door one rainy night to break up that monotony with a steamy threesome, some torture, vandalism, and maybe even some murder. Don't ask us anything else about the plot, because it honestly doesn't matter.

"SURE YOU CAN COME IN AND DRY OFF" SAID EVERY STRAIGHT MAN EVER.

Knock Knock is a remake of the oddball 1977 Thriller, Death Game. As remakes go, it's a more technically sound movie than the original, and its erotic elements are far sexier. It also plays more like a black comedy that the original did, and it did have that darkly fun vibe about it. I'm not saying that that vibe worked, but it was there.

Lorena Izzo made for a pretty convincing Femme Fatale. She didn't push it too over-the-top like so many other actresses do in similar roles, and she was actually the character that we liked the most in this one... which shouldn't be the case at all, but there it is. Ana de Armas was about as cute as a creepy sidekick can get too. So, the ladies did a good job.

YEAH, SHE WAS ALRIGHT WITH US.

Keanu Reeves though, hams it up almost to the point of parody in this one, as the "loving husband and father" who is drawn into a threesome by two gorgeous girls under protest. Now, Keanu has never been the best actor (he's great in action flicks, or in anything where he doesn't have to talk much), but he just comes off as ridiculous in this one. We're pretty sure that he's supposed to come off that way, and for that, he's doing his job well, but many of the movie's scenes which were (presumably) supposed to inspire fear or dread, only served to make us laugh.

That pizza monologue... well, that about hi-lights everything that's wrong with this movie.

"I JUST WANTED SOME FREE PIZZA!"

Had the Femme Fatales been portrayed as mentally unhinged nutcases who were out to hurt people to feed some deeper need, this movie would have probably worked way better. For the most part though, Genesis and Bel behaved like retarded teenage girls who were all jacked-up on speed, screaming wildly and breaking things, and acting like they hadn't taken their Ritalin in a few weeks. There was really no point to what they were doing.

THEY LOOKED GOOD DOING IT THOUGH.

Eli Roth has always been good with shock elements, but not so hot in the subtle nuance department, and since Knock Knock contains very little in the way of violence or gore, all that's really left to fill its 90-minute runtime is nuance and character development. And that's probably why it wasn't a great watch.

The chicks were hot though.

HOT, NAKED, AND WET.

If you can take this movie for what it is -a remake of an obscure, odd, erotically-charged, low budget movie from the 70's- then you might like it. Aside from some decent nudity, and a solid performance by Lorena Izzo, there wasn't much about this movie that we liked.

Eli Roth can do better, and he really needs to. 

D+

Knock Knock is available now on VOD.

Ana de Armas is gorgeous, and Eli Roth's wife isn't too bad either.

Magic, Magic (2013)

This is definitely one of the oddest films that we saw in 2013. Not odd because it's all weird and trying too hard to be Avant-garde, but odd because it's just a really different kind of film.

For the record, the trailer for Magic, Magic really misrepresents the movie as a whole. It plays as if something sinister is going to happen, triggering a fight for survival on Juno Temple's part. It's marketed as a straight up Horror movie, which it never comes close to being.

Magic, Magic is a Psychological Thriller about a girl named Alicia, who is traveling through Chile with her Cousin Sara, and Sara's dickhead friends. It's apparent from the beginning that something is off with Alicia; she comes across as someone who is both naive and emotionally fragile, and she seems to be riddled with anxiety issues. Maybe she's just one of those odd ducks who doesn't know how to act in social situations?

When Sara is suddenly called away from their vacation to take a test back at school (?), Alicia is basically forced to travel (and eventually stay at some remote Chilean villa) with her Cousin's friends, which only serves to make her more and more uneasy, and push her to some pretty dark places. Mentally. Not like a cave or anything.

Why does crazy have to be so cute?

Alicia can't sleep while her Cousin is gone, and begins having some crazy hallucinations. She also gets humped by a dog (which traumatizes her more than it should have), and even attempts to give Michael Cera a handy in the middle of the night, despite the "I'm secretly gay" vibe that he's obviously giving off. Point is, as her mind unravels, Alicia does some crazy things.

By the time the movie ends, we find ourselves somewhere in Chilean Voodoo territory, and we're left with no real answers as to what in the hell just happened for the last 90+ minutes.

A metaphor for the fragility of the human mind?

Based on an actual Urban Legend in which some vacationing chick in Rio De Janeiro freaks out and starts masturbating in front of her Hostel-mates (true story, ask the director), Magic, Magic is an unnerving and uneven dive into the depths of a mental breakdown. Or maybe possession. It's all so ambiguous that we can't say for sure.

In the end, Magic, Magic is about a woman who is losing her mind, and the effects that it has on her and everyone around her. Everything we see is from her twisted, mentally-ill point of view, which definitely helps make sense of things, because we see a lot of odd things in this movie. Is everyone being mean to her? Probably not so much, but from her POV, they're all horrible people, treating her like shit while her Cousin is away. As a meditation on the unstable mind of someone who is mentally-ill, this movie is pretty good.

Who's there? Your mind. Your mind is there.

Juno Temple is about as based as an actress can be these days; she seems almost fearless with the roles that she takes, as there's not much that she won't do on screen to serve a film's (and her character's) interests. She's great in this movie, and its worth watching for her performance alone, if nothing else.

It was really odd to see Michael Cera playing a creepy freak in this movie. We're used to seeing him as the shy, goofy geek in comedies, and we're not sure how we felt about his turn here. He was good in his role, but it all just felt so wrong.

What is he even doing?

Magic, Magic was interesting enough, but don't go into this one thinking it to be a straight up Horror flick. If anything, it's a Psychological Thriller, that maybe delves into true Horror territory at times, but it's all so ambiguous that we're never really clear on what it truly is. Maybe that was the entire point of the movie.

If you wanna see Juno Temple losing her mind for 90+ minutes, then this movie is definitely for you. Just remember that the director of this movie is Chilean, so his ideas of what is horrific may be quite different from what you and I are willing to accept.

C+

The girls of Magic, Magic pleased our collective penis, penis. Listen, I know that was a reach as far as jokes go, even for us, but libido, libido just didn't sound right. Anywho, Juno Temple, Emily Browning, and Catalina Moreno, y'all.