January 31, 2012

Horror Hotties: Kate Beckinsale

Kate Beckinsale is one of the absolute sexiest women on the planet. At 40, she's still holding her own (beauty wise) against younger actresses, and in most cases, they don't even come close. Don't let her coming in at #11 fool you; she could easily be #1 on any "Hottest" list out there. We just have 10 other genre chicks that we like better, so , 11 isn't all that bad... right?

"I should be number one, mate."
Kate Beckinsale isn't a huge Horror genre staple; she's starred in her share of creepy thrillers and the like, but she's mostly a "mainstream" actress. Her being Selene though, the sexiest, most bad-ass Death Dealer in all of the Underworld universe, is reason enough for genre fans (and especially Fanboys) to consider her one of their own.

Death Dealer, Sex Dealer... she can be both.
The Underworld Series, much like the Resident Evil Series, is an action vehicle for Kate Beckinsale to show off her sexy killing skills, and frequent, melodramatic poses. They're really just as much action flicks as they are Horror movies, but there's enough Vampire on Werewolf action to make them count.

They're fun flicks (if uneven ones), and though they tend to be a bit over the top with their crazy wire-fu antics, we can't help but get excited every time a new installment hits Cinemas.

If Hollywood could figure out a way to have Kate Beckinsale's Selene square off with Milla Jovovich's Alice... I think most Horror Fanboy's heads would explode. Maybe implode. Either way, a crossover event like that would be crazy fun. And crazy, crazy sexy.

She was better in Whiteout than Whiteout was in Whiteout.
So why is Kate Beckinsale so awesome? Let's run down a few of the reasons:
  • Sexy British accent.
  • Not a fan of wearing panties.
  • Has no issue being naked or scantily clad on film.
  • She calls her vagina the "Pharaoh's Tomb." That's not even a joke.
  • She actually said these words "I can't do sushi, even. I'd rather eat an actual vagina than that, honestly!"
  • She's a bit of a slut, cheating on Underworld co-star and life partner Michael Sheen with her then Underworld director (now husband), whatever his name is.
  • She doesn't shy away from genre flicks.

You just sit alone in that creepy Motel and think about how naughty you are!
Kate is one of the most iconic Vampires of all time. Sure, it may be because she looks so damn good in her tight, shiny Death Dealer body suit, but hell, who are we to judge?  

Underworld and Vacancy aside, she may have starred in some shit genre flicks (Whiteout, Van Helsing), but again, who are we to judge? She makes an effort, man, and she looks good while doing so!

Like a Dominatrix Boss.
One can only hope that we see more of Kate Beckinsale's hotness in many genre films to come.

Maybe she could star in a movie called Pharaoh's Tomb; the story of a substance abusing, bisexual Serial Killer who seduces both men and women for the sake of revenge. Revenge for what, you ask? Who cares! As long as it involves some naked, sexy, bloody, ass-revealing goodness, the plot is irrelevant. Maybe you could throw in a monkey, or make her a nanny or something, to keep it interesting.

Don't ask us. It's Hollywood's call.

DVD releases for January 31st

Not a bad bunch of DVD releases this week to close out the first month of 2012.

The Buy- If there's one must see of the group, then it's definitely Drive. It's not horror in the least, but it's bad ass and sleek enough for us to pimp and for you to see. It's as close to perfect as we've seen in quite a long time, and was our favorite flick of the year in any genre. See it. See it now.

The Rent- Next we have a few flicks that are worth checking out, even if they aren't close to perfect. Dream House was decent enough, although it felt more by the numbers than anything else. Still, it's always fun to watch Daniel Craig do his thang thang. The Thing was far better than it had any right to be, and if you can go into it without the predetermined hate you should feel towards it for invading sacred "remake" ground, then you might just dig it. We did. Finally we have a movie that we expected more from, Texas Killing Fields. It's not top of the heap as serial killer flicks go, but it has a great cast and does its job well enough to be entertaining.

The Rest- As far as In Time, Dead Hooker in a Trunk, and Spiderhole go, we weren't impressed, and unless you're really curious to see one of them, you could skip them all and call it a day. You wont miss much. As for The Night Train Murders... well, we haven't  seen the rape-revenge flick in a looong time, so we cant really advise either way. We will be checking it out at some point, but until then, it's a big question mark.


What will you rent, buy, or avoid?

January 29, 2012

The Wicker Tree (2012)

Oh hey, look. It's the "companion piece" to the 1973 classic British Horror flick, The Wicker Man!

Forget the fact that it's been nearly 40 years since the original movie came out, and I just don't see how you could really ever hope to do justice to its memory with a modern-day "continuation" of its story, but here it is, none the less!

Beth is a successful American country singer who used to be slutty, but has since found her way to singing the praises of JC. All sluts eventually turn to religion don't they? Because praying more and throwing yourself on the mercy of the holy cross obviously erases every skanky and obscene thing that you've ever done with your dirty mouth and filthy vagina, right?

Yep. That's pretty much a non-debatable fact. Ask Jesus. He'll tell you.

"I gave y'all the H.I.V. but my G.O.D. forgives me, LOL!"
Anywho, Beth and her cowpoke fiance Steve are members of Cowboys for Christ (ugh), and they've been sent by their Evangelical Church to save the heathens of Scotland from themselves, because that's what Religion is all about, after all; persecution and reformation. That actually is a fact.  

Religion is also about basting naked asses with oil, as evidenced by the picture below.

Now this is one aspect of Religion that we can truly get behind. Zing!
Luckily for us, the Scots have their own shit going on and hate being preached to and talked down on, so they decide to kill the rubes, which can only serve to make America a better place in the long run. As you can imagine, sacrificial hi-jinks ensue.

This is why Christians can't have nice things!
The Wicker Tree is a sort-of sequel to the 1973 Horror classic, The Wicker Man (not the abysmal 2006 Nic Cage remake.) According to the director, whom was also the director of the 1973 original, it's more of a companion piece. As "companion pieces" go, however, The Wicker Tree is rather embarrassing and really does nothing beneficial for its predecessor, or itself for that matter.

Whereas the 1973 Wicker movie was so odd that it ended up being creepy, the updated Wicker universe is more goofy and over dramatic than anything else. Really, I don't know why we were expecting it to be good, but we found ourselves a bit let down as the credits began to roll. Maybe because instead of giving us another unique and good movie, all we were left with was the thought "why didn't they just leave well enough alone?"

There's nothing that Scotland and its people could possibly love more than 2 Bible-thumping rubes from the U.S. of A. crossing the pond to save them from their unjust lives and skewed belief systems, is there? Hell no there ain't, cause everyone who ain't believe in Jesus Christ needs savin', ain't they? This movie is definitely on a bit of a Bible Bashing bent; when our innocent country singin' heroine says "Everything in the Bible is inspired by God, so it must be true, right?" It's apparent that we're to believe that all Americans are sheepish simpletons... and we can't really argue that fact, because there's some truth to it. Still, true or not, don't preach.

There's a lot of truth going on in this picture.
It's misleading to see Christopher Lee in the trailer for this movie, mainly because he was in this movie for about 15.4 seconds. If you're going to make it look as if he's in your film, at least give him a small cameo... then again, he most likely didn't want one. For your deception, you sub-par and sneaky film, you get the Wicker Man 2006 Remake Hall of Shame Award! Not exactly sure what that is, but you fucking deserve it!

Not the BEES!
There's some blood and violence to be had here, most notably the scene with "Tex" in the ruins; we won't spoil what that involves, but it involves a lot of nudity and someone being eaten to death. (That actually kinda spoiled it.)

Sweet, sweet Honeysuckle Weeks; despite having what may be one of the silliest first names ever, she brought her A-game in this one, and by A-game, we mean shameless nudity. She's not the only one, as many others in the movie shed their clothes for the greater good, but she was by far the most impressive.

Edited for our younger viewers, who screw up all of our good, naked pics.
We learned that nearly 40 years is far too long to wait to make a sequel to a Cult Classic, unless of course you don't mind it being out of touch with everything about the original. Also, Honeysuckle is apparently the Scottish word for "Village Whore."

Not totally Irredeemable, The Wicker Tree is none the less a sequel that might have been better off never being made. The feel of the original is almost completely absent from this lukewarm follow up, and honestly, we aren't sure what the point of this film even was. You might enjoy it as an homage or companion piece to the original Cult Classic, but just don't expect much.


At least Honeysuckle Weeks wasn't afraid to bare it all in an effort to do her part, and she did it more than once. Cheers, Honeysuckle. We're also betting that in High School, someone called her "Honeyfuckle" at least once. They just had to.

January 28, 2012

Transit (2012)

Let's just be honest here; Transit sucked. It's packed with actors that we love, had an interesting enough premise, but it was just a sloppy mess of plot devices strung together to achieve a running time.

The plot involves an ex-con traveling with his family through the bayou country in an SUV, when they run afoul of a gang of bank robbers. The bank robbers end up stashing their stash of cash in the family truckster to avoid capture, and then spend the rest of the movie trying to get it back.

Of course the problem with that premise is that trying to get the money back involves a lot of nonsensical, cliche, and just plain annoying actions on all of the characters parts, and in the end, what could have been a cool heist flick starring some cool actors just turned out to be tedious and dull.

We obviously didn't like the movie, and don't recommend it to you, but in the spirit of fairness, here are 5 things about Transit that we did like.

Jim Caviezel- He's an awesome actor that never seems to get his due, You wanna see how bad ass he can be, check him out in CBS's Person of Interest.
James Frain- Another hell-of-an-actor, especially when he's playing a bad guy, ala True Blood. He really is menacingly fun to watch.
The Milf.
Michael, from L O S T.
Diora Baird and the curious case of the juggs that just wont quit.
Aside from those redeeming factors, Transit is a run of the mill, by-the-numbers Thriller that wastes its potential and isn't memorable enough to even be forgettable. It's well made and well cast, just not well thought out or executed.


 One more time... Diora Baird!