Netflix Review: The Ritual (2018)

"Netflix hits gold with its latest Horror acquisition."

Sure, The Ritual feels more than a little bit like a British spin on The Blair Witch, what with the weird symbols and figures all over the place, but that would hardly be a fair comparison. Yes, it's set in the woods, and sure there's an entity of some sort stalking a group of nature lovers to their deaths, but it's truly got its own thing going on.

Director David Bruckner -who gave us one of the better Horror Anthologies in recent years, Southbound (review HERE)-  has hit a new high with this one, which we think is his best film to date.

*Mild monster spoilers ensue below.

After their mate Rob is murdered in a tragic chip shop robbery, four blokes decide to go for a hike in Sweden to honor his memory. One of the lads, Luke, was with Rob during the robbery, but he bitched out and hid while the robbers confronted and murdered him, so he is naturally carrying around a lot of guilt.

THEY COULDN'T HAVE BUILT HIM A SHRINE IN ENGLAND? WHERE IT'S MUCH SAFER?

When one of the guys falls and hurts his knee, the group decides to take a shortcut through a nearby forest to reach their destination, because as if a nature hike doesn't sound like a shitty enough vacation for four 40-year-old guys to take together, a quick jaunt into the isolated forest makes even more sense.

NOPE.

Of course, there's danger in them thar woods, and it comes in the form of a massive creature that is hungry for human blood. It also likes messing with their dreams, because it's apparently a vengeful god of some sort,

ALL HAIL SNIVENGUTENGORTEN, GOD OF HEADLESS STRAW FIGURES!

The Ritual is Backwoods Horror done right. In most films of this kind, we get a gang of dumb-ass characters making stupid decisions which see them trapped in some remote place, looking a sure death right in the face. Most of those characters tend to annoy too, which makes it worse. In The Ritual though, not only do the filmmakers do a great job of turning the Swedish countryside from stunningly gorgeous to dark and forbidding with ease, but the cast is top-notch, and the situation that they get themselves into is believable one.

The Norse mythology is thick in this one, with the Jōtunn being a giant, godlike creature, who is said to be a child of Loki by its worshippers, although they dare not speak its name; as well as the hanging aspect of things screaming Odin. That whole aesthetic was a really great touch that made what could have been a run-of-the-mill backwoods Horror story into something different, and dare I say, special.

It's a moody piece that emotes waves of quiet dread in a very effective way. This could have been just another B-grade Horror flick, but director David Bruckner and his cast made it into something more.

YES, YOU SHOULD TURN BACK NOW.

The ending threw us a bit. It's a straight-forward ending, and it wraps the story of one character up nicely, but I personally wanted a bit more of a prelude to chew on. Not the biggest issue, but it just felt abrupt.

APPARENTLY RURAL SWEDEN HAS NOT GOTTEN WIND OF THE #METOO MOVEMENT QUITE YET.

We've said it so many times over the years, that we figured everyone would have learned by now: Stay out of the damn woods, especially when you're in a foreign country. You don't know whats in those woods. Killers, demons, angry reindeer... just stay on the main path, avoid shortcuts, and you will survive your journey!

MAIN PATH, GENTLEMEN!

The violence and gore in this one is timely and effective, but not overly-plentiful.

THAT'S A BIG DOG.

Well, there is some naked man flesh on display, but it's not mean to be sexy.

YOU'RE GROWN MEN. ENOUGH WITH THE SELFIES!

The cast is solid, the location (which the cinematography brings to eerie life) is suitably terrifying, and the monster that lurks in the woods is a unique one. The Ritual is a very solid film that really deserved a theatrical run, and at the very least, deserves to have everyone who loves Horror check it out on Netflix.

A

The Ritual is streaming on Netflix now.

This movie is mainly populated by men, but there is some femininity to be found.

VOD Review: The Crucifixion (2017)

"Based on actual events."

(aka Agares Unleashed.)
Release Date: October 6th.
Country: UK.
Rating: R.
Written by: Chad and Carey Hayes.
Directed by: Xavier Gens.
Starring: Sophie Cookson, Corneliu Ulici, Brittany Ashworth, and Matthew Zajac.

Based on real events, The Crucifixion comes from the mind of Xavier Gens, the guy who gave us Frontiere(s) (review HERE) and The Divide (review HERE), so if we have to sit through another exorcism flick, it might as well be one by him. At least we know it'll be stylish.

In the dark heart of Romania, a nun is dead after an exorcism gone wrong, and the priest who performed the rite is in jail for murder. He swears that there was a Demon named Agares inside of the girl, and that as the vessel of God, it was his duty to save her eternal soul. Of course the rational folk of Romania think that he's nuts.

HE LOOKS LEGIT TO US.

Nicole is a spunky young journalist who wants to bring light to the fact that Demons don't exist, and that a young woman is dead because the Church insists of keeping up the charade of God, the Devil, and religion in general. She's a non-believer who lost her mother to cancer a few years back, and she's got no faith to spare.

OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH...

Is Father Demitru a murderer, or a warrior for God? Is there a reason for crucifying someone during an exorcism? Will Nicole get naked for Jesus? Far be it from us to spoil what happens for you here, but suffice it to say that Romania is a creepy place.

AGARES IS MAKING IT RAIN.

The Crucifixion is a gorgeous movie to behold. Not only is Romania a beautiful place, but Xavier Gens has a cinematic eye that makes for some lush, visually unique shots. The Demon Agares is genuinely creepy, and the exorcism scenes were about as well done here as they are in any film of its kind.

As visually pleasing as it is though, this one plays more like a mystery than it does a true Horror flick. It has its moments -The visualization of Agares was downright chilling at times, and its visually stunning in parts- but most of the movie is Sophie Cookson running around, looking vexed, and falling prey to any number of jump scares. She does a great job, don't get me wrong, it would have just been nice to see her get raked through the muck a bit more.

The Crucifixion had its moments, but overall it's a bit of a tame exorcism flick that didn't push the boundaries that we expected of a movie by Xavier Gens. Maybe we need to let go of the gory brilliance that was Frontiere(s), but ever since that movie we've waited for Gens to get back to that level of Horror, and he never really has.

ROMANIAN HEALTHCARE HAS ITS ISSUES.

There's plenty of disturbing imagery throughout this one, like a crotch full of spiders and some messy exorcism viscera, but nothing very gory.

WHY ALWAYS THE EYE?!?

Sophie Cookson takes a bath, has some sex, and her open shirt reveals a bit of flesh.

THE DEMON OF SEXINESS, THAT'S WHAT SHE'S POSSESSED BY.

The Crucifixion is a good movie in general, and it's a decent exorcism flick, it's just not a very horrific one. Sophie Cookson is a compelling heroine, and there are some great ideas at play here, but it just doesn't offer much in the way of dread or graphic terror to satisfy like we wanted it to.

You could do worse for a rental though.

C+

The Crucifixion is available now on VOD.

The gorgeous Ladies of The Crucifixion.

Import Review: Ibiza Undead (2017)

"Ibiza Unfunny."

For those of us who love raunchy teen comedies like The Inbetweeners, and who adore zombie films, a movie like Ibiza Undead sounds like a brilliant idea; you get some dorky guys, some smoking hot girls, send them on vacation to a gorgeous paradise, and have them fight for their lives against hordes of undead whist cracking off filthy jokes and one-liners, and trying to get laid at every turn.

Well, the idea sounds great, and they really tried with this one, but Ibiza Undead doesn't really make it to good side of the the funny-meets-bloody fence.

Emily Atack is in it though, so that makes it watchable enough. For the most part.

In the midst of a worldwide zombie epidemic, a group of British teens decide to head to Ibiza to party, because no matter how bad things get in the world, kids will always need to get messed up and have as much sex as possible. And honestly, why not do it in Ibiza if you're going to do it?

AH, PARTY GIRLS.

Big Jim, Alex, and Az are three lovable losers who just want to meet some girls. Or, as Big Jim puts it (about 300 times throughout the movie), shag some sluts and bitches. Alex's older sister and her hot friend, as well as Alex's hot ex-girlfriend are along for the ride, so the stage is set... but they want to meet some guys who aren't gimps, so the it's not long before the fish out of water sexual hilarity ensues!

THAT BIKINI THO...

And of course it's also not long before the zombie apocalypse of Ibiza ensues, which makes the whole "let's get laid, bruv" aspect of the trip a moot point... or maybe it makes it that much more important? It's one of those. Whichever one it is, the partiers must band together if they're ever going to escape Ibiza alive.

TONE IT DOWN, CONCHITA!

Ibiza Undead is a decent enough zombie flick that boasts a gorgeous location, some great bloody visuals, and some sexy ladies behaving badly, but doesn't really meld the world of comedy and horror together all that well.

And that's the main problem with this movie: it's supposed to be a comedy, and it isn't all that funny. Maybe that stems from the fact that the characters, and the funny bits that they try to drop on us, were written in the shallow end of the quality pool. The worst had to be Big Jim, who was so over-the-top and unfunny, that we honestly wondered how it all went wrong. Stiffer was funny in American Pie, as was Jay in The Inbetweeners (which this movie is clearly modeled after), but the attempt to recreate that same kind of vulgar-yet-lovable character here came nowhere close to that level of good.

Emily Atack was surprisingly good in this one though. Where we just expected her to be a vapid tart with no depth, her character was actually given a bit of substance, and she milked it for all it was worth. Vagina Lipkiss Algina Lipskis did a nice job in her supporting role as well. Everyone else, meh.

WHERE'S SCOOBY?

There are actually some good gore gags throughout this one.

THE FIRST GAY ZOMBIE EVER? YOU DECIDE.

Lots of hot chicks in bikinis, and Emily Atack shares a snog with Algina Lipskis, but for a raunchy sex comedy, this one is very light on the visceral raunch.

SO MUCH POTENTIAL...

Ibiza Undead is a fun enough flick, but it just doesn't offer enough bloody bits to please Horror fans, and it's not very funny at all, even if a few jokes do land here and there.

Overall, this is a movie that you might want to check out when it hits Netflix and the like, and save your DVD $$$ for a rainy day. Or a better movie.

C-

Ibiza Undead is available on Import DVD now. *Region-Free player required.

Apparently, Ibiza is the place to go to find lovely ladies.