Shudder Review: Lake Bodom (2017)

"The director of this movie would make a righteous Friday the 13th flick."

We love Slasher flicks. They usually tend to be a bit of shamelessly gory, nudity-filled fun, which might not be the apex of filmmaking, but they sure do tend to make for a good time.

Lake Bodom is definitely a Slasher flick, but its one that breaks the conventional mold. The teens in this movie aren't going to the woods to party and have sex, and therefore be punished for their illicit acts by an unstoppable killing machine, instead they're looking for answers to a decades-old murder mystery, which unfortunately for them, they find.

What makes Lake Bodom so enjoyable are the twists that it employs to tell its story. Because of those twists, we're going to keep the plot details as vague as possible, because to ruin them would be a disservice to you.

In 1960, three teens were murdered while camping at Lake Bodom, which is just west of Helsinki, Finland. To this day, the case remains a part of Finnish lore, as the murders are still unsolved. True story, you can read all about it HERE.

TEENAGERS CAN'T EVEN GO CAMPING IN EUROPE WITHOUT DYING!

Back in the land of narrative fiction... Two boys are looking to reenact the notorious murders via photoshoot, and they enlist the help of two of their hottie classmates to do so. Maybe it's morbid curiosity that makes them want to tempt fate by seeing if the killer is still out there (although nearly 45 years later, that doesn't seem very likely), but they're willing to give it a go anyway. Or maybe they're just trying to get laid.

Needless to say, things go very, very wrong for all of them.

ESPECIALLY THE GIRLS.

Lake Bodom is a fun and clever throwback to 80's Slasher flicks, that doesn't really rest on the laurels of that beloved sub-genre. Instead, the film subverts the trappings of the usual teen terror flick, and turns its story on its head not once, but twice, with twists that make things feel exciting and fresh. The first twist that the movie gives us knocked us for a loop, and kicked the movie into a higher, and different, gear. The second one, which sets up the finale, was good too, but it felt a bit underwhelming (and a bit implausible) compared to what came before it.

Maybe it's because some things happen and we get no answers as to how or why. 

The story doesn't always make sense, especially when it comes to the final showdown, or the time/distance constraints that the director conveniently ignores in order to have his killers show up where he wants them to at any time, but it certainly is slick and fun enough for us not to care all that much.

YOU SHOULD ALL RUN.

This isn't an overtly bloody movie, but there are a few kill scenes and bloody bits that work really well.

LOOKS LIKE SHE FOUND SOME ANSWERS AFTER ALL.

Nope, because they apparently don't make Slasher flicks like they used to.

OH MAN, WHAT A MISSED OPPORTUNITY.

Lake Bodom may have its flaws, but it gets so many other things right that they end up not mattering too much by the end. This is a fun, well-made flick that we hope will not be the last of its kind.

B+

Lake Bodom is streaming now on Shudder.

Nelly Hirst-Gee and Mimosa Willamo are in this.

Review: Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)

"If this movie isn't on your to see list, you'd better check it twice..."
Much like Vikaren, or maybe even The Monster Squad, Rare Exports is a family-friendly "Horror" flick that is definitely geared towards a younger crowd.

Deep in the snowy mountains of Finland, life is simple: for the most part, people herd reindeer and grimace at each other a lot. That's pretty much it. So imagine how exciting it is for little Pietari to discover that a nearby mining company has unearthed the frozen grave of... Santer Klaus! Is that what they call him in Finland? Sinterklass? Father Christmas? Joulupukki? I don't know, I'm just trying to talk about Santa here.

Santa isn't fat and jolly in Finland; no, he's wizened and gangly, and above all else, he's really creepy. He gets off on punishing the naughty children, and I'm pretty sure he's into eating them too. That said, it makes perfect sense for a group of local villagers to throw him in a cage and poke him with sticks, threatening to sell him into prostitution to pay for their dead reindeer... which he apparently ate. Also, the children of the town are disappearing, and only little Pietari seems to notice...

From here on out the movie gets all sorts of crazy, culminating in some daring helicopter acrobatics and a showdown with Santa's Elves. Don't ask, just sit back and enjoy the fun of it all, would you? 

Oh, Joulupukki is not happy at all right now.

Rare Exports is a fun and fresh ride, and is definitely a movie that caters towards the younger Horror fans out there; it's not totally a kids movie, but rather is enough of one in tone and content that it's not only safe for them to watch, but they should love the hell out of it when they do. Imagine if the Monster Squad and The Thing had a baby, and it was adopted and raised by The Goonies and Vikaren. That's this movie in a nutshell. The best news is, it's a great watch for adult Horror fans too.

The idea that Santa Claus is a creepy, evil, twisted monster that really only exists to punish the wicked is a hell of a concept, and Rare Exports makes the most out of the premise, and does so in a really fun way. There's a twist that comes a bit more towards the end of the film that I didn't see coming, and it "changed" the movie for me a bit, but it worked well. Despite it being a bit different than I had expected, I have to say that the ending made me cheer a little, as a kid basically steps up and saves everyone's asses for them, because the adults just can't seem to get their shit together.

Good for you, Pietari. You're a good kid. 

Finland's biggest hero. *Shout out to Teemu Selanne, who is pretty heroic in Finland too.

If there's a negative aspect about the movie, for me at least, it's that I would have liked to have seen a bit more bloody carnage from ole' Santy Claus and his Elves. I like how it all played out, but I guess I was expecting more of a murderous killer Santa rampage kind of thing, rather than what I got. I'm not really complaining, I'm just sayin'.

Rare Exports is a fun, interesting take on the legend of Santa Claus, and you should definitely give it a chance. Be warned though, you'll have to endure subtitles to watch this one, so no whining about "man, I don't want to have to read my movies!" Just suck it up and push through, would ya?

A

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

 So, um, I guess he's not all that Holly or Jolly in person?

Quick Review: Skeleton Crew (2009)

"An asylum is being used by a film crew trying to film the movie "Silent Creek" based on murders that occurred in the 70's. The institution was shut down after Doctor Andersson "The Auteur" was caught making snuff films of himself torturing patients to death. While doing recordings, the crew find a hidden room. It contains the Doctor's undiscovered recordings, although the crew is disgusted by the snuff films, they decide not to call the police. The director of Silent Creek, becomes obsessed with Anderssons' films. He begins to act deranged, claiming their film is "not real enough."



I can't hate on Skeleton Crew like I do some DO NOT WANT movies, but in the end, it left me more than flat, and wondering what happened... because nothing really happens in this movie. It's slow and plodding, and the actors that should carry us through such trying minutes fail at making us care about their characters, or the plot. The guy who played the director was just bad. The snuff/torture scenes were pretty good and tough to watch, but that's about the only thing good about the entire movie. Not even an obligatory faux-lesbian sex scene could save this one, and that's saying a lot coming from me.

What is seen can not be unseen...

Since there are so many movies that we verbally abuse after having to endure them (and for good reason), we thought it fair to come up with at least 5 things that were good or decent about the DO NOT WANT'S of the world. We will use pictures to illustrate said things. So here are 5 positive things about MOVIE NAME HERE:

Those lips.

That masseuse.

The gore.

That shirt?

We don't know, we just ran out of things to try to like.

Watching this movie felt a lot like this picture. *We're the guy on the ground.

Review: Sauna (2009)

Wow, another good horror flick from Scandinavia...

Cast Members of Note- The show-stealing Ville Virtanen and Tommi Eronen.

Two brothers head off into the deep recesses of 1500's Finland to draw a map with some Russians. Apparently, Finland was once a part of Sweden, but the Russians wanted it so they fought a war... I don't know. Don't ask me about Nordic History.

Brotherly love and/or hate.

The two brothers (one a happy-go-lucky solider that loves to kill, the other a map making wuss), kill a farmer and nearly rape his teen daughter, but decide to lock her in a root cellar instead. For the record, root cellars back in the 1500's were basically holes in the ground. Sounds nice, doesn't it? They just move along, leaving her to fend for herself, because they have a border to define. Men!

"She's either gonna get raped, or left behind to die. Not sure yet."

While trying to fairly divvy up the land that will become Finland one day, they come upon a creepy village with a bunch of old people and an even older building which we find out is a "Sauna." Things start to get really weird here, as one of the brothers becomes haunted by the girl they left behind, and the other by a girl who looks like a boy, whom he may want to rape.

I won't spoil anymore of what happens here, but suffice it to say that no one gets raped, but men do bathe each other gently. Twice.

"Sauna? It looks like a rape shack. I'll wait out here."

Brilliantly directed, and even more brilliantly acted, Sauna is a really damn good movie. Ville Virtanen steals the show as the tormented and war-ravaged older brother, giving a hell of a performance that leaves me wanting more from him.

It's visually breathtaking, moody and dark, and very sparse. Antti-Jussi Annila has a bright future ahead of him in directing, and I hope he does more genre work. I can't say that this movie "scared" me very much, but it did manage to keep me on the edge of my seat and made me yell things like "Don't go in there!," "Run!," and "Don't go in there, just run!" Very atmospheric and effective.

Great shot, great actor.

Not one, but two scenes of naked men bathing each other... say what?!? Things must have been rough and tumble in 1595 Sweden.

Especially for dogs.

What was with the ending? I'm a fairly smart individual (I think), and I'm still not sure what ended up happening.

?!?

Most of Sauna was blood-free, but when we did get the gore, it was pretty messy. The last 10 minutes or so is the big gore payoff.

Eye violence is never enjoyable.

Plenty of man ass and peen, but nothing of the female variety.

"To protect her. From you" or "All you had to do was come back."

Don't rape, kill, or abandon anyone. Ever.

If you do, you'll pay.

A wonderfully acted and produced film, Sauna is subtle yet effective in what it sets out to do. It's basically a morality play fused with elements of dread and head-scratching Horror. See it if you like to feel appreciated as an audience member, because this film will treat you well.

B+

Sauna is available now on DVD.

She's in this.