December 31, 2008

Happy New Year!

Here are a few fun New Year's Eve party games that will keep you entertained all night:

-You know that one girl you like? Well, now that your drunk, acting a fool, and she's looking at you with contempt in her eyes, run up to her, drop your pants, and gyrate your hips at her while screaming "Like it or not, you're getting this tonight!" Then get your bail money ready. Funny stuff though.

- Wear a leather fetish mask and stare at people from the corner all night, especially the women. If they go to leave, step in their way. They step to the side, you step to the side. Don't make a sound though, they cry faster if you're quiet.

-Try mixing 151 rum and Jim Beam... It's called Satan's Piss or something. Then, tell people it's pucker and rum... and watch as they realize that you lied to them! Good times.

-Tea-bagging someones drink is a fun drunk prank that practically everyone will enjoy! (Especially if there's hair or something solid in their drink afterward.

- Wait for people to walk to their cars, and step out of the bushes with your leather fetish mask on. Ask them, "Are you alone?" When they stammer for an answer, ask again, "Are you alone?!?" but this time pretend you're really anxious and angry.

Really, don't do any of these things (unless you're fun), just have a fun, safe, and happy New Years Eve!

THC's 2008 Year in Review

We've gathered all of our 2008 Year-End goodies in one place, all for your ease of use! All of the Reviews we've done, our Best Of/Worst Of lists, the year in Horror Hotties... aren't we thoughtful?


December 29, 2008

Solo Review: Jack Brooks Monster Slayer (2008)

Sub-Genre- Monster!
Cast Members of Note- Freddy Kreuger himself, Robert Englund! Also, the hot as lava Rachel Skarsten.

Jack Brooks has anger issues. From the start, we see this displayed and explained to us through flashbacks, via random confrontations, and even in his "edgy" therapy sessions. He learns that seeing his family killed by a Monster when he was a kid is the cause of it all, and that's obviously why he's become a plumber too.

He's shy around girls though. Go figure.
He goes to therapy, shows up late to class, talks to the Teacher, deals with his snotty girlfriend, talks to the Teacher, goes to the Teacher's house and fixes his plumbing, goes to the hardware store, wakes some old guy up, discovers some mystery about an old plumbing part, goes back to class... which takes up the first 60 minutes of the movie.

Once Robert Englund becomes a Pizza-the-Hut-Monster-Thing though, the monster ass-kicking begins! I really have no more to say on the subject. 

Oh man...
I give mad props to this movie for using no CGI whatsoever to create any of the creatures or gore FX. ZERO CGI. It's very refreshing to see FX look good in the old fashioned way for a change. The professor monster was awesome... in a throwback, campy, cheesy sort of way, mind you, but awesome none the less. 

Robert Englund why?
Was this movie supposed to be funny? I think I may have missed the parts that were funny. Slither did this way better. 

"Not funny? Not funny?!? I will now quizzically frown at you!"
Many people defend this film's slow pace due to it being an "origin" movie, which sets up the real action to come in the sequel... I say that's crap, because if I don't care about the origin, why in the world would I want to see a part 2? A movie's goal, origin story or not, is to grab a hold of me and not let me go for the entire running time, and that's something that Jack Brooks didn't manage to do at all.

It made us want to scream too, Rachel.
Eew... all kinds of gross and oozing stuff is everywhere in this movie, being shoved in people mouths via tentacle, and turning people into monsters! Awesome!


What a waste of those.
Horror comedies aren't always funny.

Just stop already!
This one didn't do it for me at all, and it avoids getting a D rating only because of the awesome Old School FX used on the film. The first hour was pretty bland for the most part, and not very funny at all, though I think they tried really hard to make it work. Some will love it, some will hate it; I'd just wait to catch this one on Cable if you can.


This may be the hottest picture ever taken...

December 27, 2008

Solo Review: Splinter (2008)

Sub-Genre- Creature/Parasite I
Cast Members of Note- The hotness of Jill Wagner, the girl from the Mercury commercials.

A true Hottie (Jill Wagner) and her geek boyfriend get carjacked after hitting a mutant porcupine, and all hell breaks loose. Soon enough, they are forced to hole up in a gas station for their very survival... Thankfully for everyone involved, the geek boyfriend has a PHD in Biology or Botany or something, and is able to determine that the porcupine thing is both "strange" and not quite "normal."

Yeah, that's obviously not normal.
The idea here is not to get pricked by the splintery little bastard to begin with, or else you become a host of sorts, thus turning you into a shambling, undead man-porcupine-thing. Even a tiny little splinter on your finger means that you're finished, and since the creature is basically all splinters, it's best not to try to pet it. Hugs are out too.

Sure it looked cute, but look what it did to you!
I won't ruin the ending for you here, but suffice it to say that it doesn't end well for most involved. ( I really wanted to work in some sort of "that little prick!" joke here, due to the nature of the porcupine-monster and its little splinters and all, but it just didn't work out.)

Where does that little prick think it's going? *Ha, I did it!
The creature in this movie, and the things it does to a human body, are a thing of brilliance; the cracking and breaking, the lumbering around with a broken body, in search of its next meal/host... You can only catch quick shots of the creature proper, but when you do, it more than gets its point across.  

Splinter is a really solid effort that managed to give us some creepy atmosphere and some intense moments, complimented by some pretty crazy gore effects... And let us not forget the underrated hotness of Jill Wagner, who can actually act too.

Nice job here, Toby Wilkins.

Call me, Jill. That's not a request... do it now!
It took a little long to get things going in this one, and I would have liked to have seen them use film stock rather than digital, to make the movie look less "real." It's minor nitpicking on my part really... very minor.

A box cutter and a cinder block?!? Good God that's painful to even comprehend, let alone witness...

This picture does not make me want to eat a Snickers Ice Cream Bar.
I'm still wince just thinking about some of the gore in this movie... For instance, the amputation of an arm with a box cutter... and a cinder block. Damn. This movie delivers the gory goods.

Now this is how it's done.
No, and what a waste of Jill Wagner too. Sigh.

Next time, be sure to show us those creatures under your shirt, alright?
Anything Jill Wagner said... she really is that captivating.

Don't ever stop when you hit something on a country road. Also, you always kill it with fire.

Also, we love the hell out of Jill Wagner.
This was a well made, creepy, and often times disturbing little flick, and it deserves to be seen by as many people as possible. Whether you rent or buy it, just get your hands on it and watch it. A nice effort by first time Director, Toby Wilkins.


Splinter is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Jill Wanger is adorable! Also, HOT!