December 25, 2008

The Worst Movies of 2008

This year gave us some pretty bad Horror movies, of that there is no doubt. It's hard to put these in order of suck, because an argument can be made for the placement of all of them, whether higher or lower on the list.

No matter where we (or you) rank these baddies,the moral of the story is that they are all just best avoided altogether.

Be sure to click through to the full reviews to see exactly why these movies are so bad.
The Happening sucks for so many reasons, that I can't even begin to list them all.

When a movie is billed as an "Event" like most of Shaymalananan's are, they need to be better conceived, written, acted and directed than this one is. Period.

Not only was this one was laugh out loud bad, but it was genuinely cringe worthy as well. I am absolutely a Horror/movie snob, but I can also enjoy the hell out of some bad movies (Cool as Ice anyone?), so I think I'm more than fair and objective when it comes to calling something good or bad, in most cases.

When people tell me I'm being too harsh on The Happening, all I can say is "Go watch it." They can't argue with me very much after that.
Uwe Boll films are like AIDS, genocide, and the Emo trend; they all need to be stopped, for the betterment of Humanity. Now.

Seed is truly horrendous (as if Michael Pare being in the lead role wasn't clue enough for you), and save for one interesting kill scene, it should be burned and peed on.

I actually have a Cousin who liked Seed, but then again he's slow in the brain; he licks the cat sometimes. Most people with normal minds and though patterns will most likely hate this movie.

I swear I'll box Uwe Boll right now if he promises to never make a Horror movie again. I'll win too.
Shutter should be called Shitter; that way, at least the title would be solid and well thought out.

As remakes go, this one was just painfully bad; Pacey from Dawson's Creek? The guy has the emotional range of a potato... Seriously, sit and watch a potato for 90 minutes, it's the same thing.

Let us not forget the lame jump scares, slow pacing, and lack of atmosphere of the film itself, because they don't matter all that much either.

Shutter is simply more of the lame PG-13 fare that is made solely for the purpose of suckering Teens into the Theater.

Could Hollywood at least make crap movies that suck on their own, and stop ruining good Foreign films by remaking them is such a poor manner?
At this point in his career, it's safe to say that anything starring Edward Burns is going to suck. He and Pacey (mentioned above) should have a suck off... not a gay porn type thing, but a contest to see who can suck the most via their acting skills. Lock them in a room, let them improv, and stand back and watch the pain until one of them simply stares off into space, never to talk again.

Until that day comes, we'll be getting movies like One Missed Call to endure. Maybe possessed cellphones are your thing though, or maybe you love quick-flash scary images, horrible acting, poor scripting, and senseless endings... hell, even Shannyn Sossamon sucked in this, and she's usually pretty good.

The Asian Horror remake trend really needs to stop.
We can admit that the original Prom Night isn't one of the greatest classic 80's Slashers, but it's hell and gone better than this predictable snooze-fest.

Another one for the kiddies, this movie is devoid of anything resembling a scare. I did like the hot chicks though, but even they weren't enough to save me from the pain that the ridiculous and 100% predictable plot inflicted on me.

Horror movies of the 80's may have been predictable too sometimes, but wasn't there more of a payoff back then? Didn't they actually scare us, or gross us out or something? Weren't most of those movies, crappy or not, at least fairly effective?

Yeah. If only they still made them that way.
Wicked Lake deserves to be higher on the list quite frankly, and the only reason that it's not is because cheap B-grade movies aren't usually supposed to be good.

This one was just AWFUL. It's like seeing a retarded kid trying to make it up some stairs using a walker; sure you want to laugh, but you don't because it's really just not funny. Plus, he's retarded, which is really sad.

This movie isn't even "so bad it's good" bad, it's just painful.
The Eye is another remake of an Asian Horror flick which is bland, lifeless, and has hardly anything going for it (not counting Jessica Alba, because she's cool.)

Why Hollywood just doesn't release the good Foreign movies in U.S. Theaters, I'll never know. They'd make a healthy profit on most of them, for doing nothing but distributing and advertising them.

If they're going to keep remaking them, at least study the films and try to understand what it was that made them so effective in the first place. Stop watering them down so that more people can potentially buy a ticket too.

I made it half way through this Direct-to-DVD mess, said screw it and walked away... but in the interest of fairness I came back and watched the rest; and I barely made it to the end.

Odd how most Horror remakes tend to be soulless, scare-free events these days, isn't it?
Saw V isn't a horrible movie per se, but it's just well past time for the Saw series to stop. I mean, can you honestly say that the franchise didn't jump the shark after Saw III?

First of all, Jigsaw is dead, meaning that the entire backbone of the franchise gone, and we're left with Costas Mandylor as the new evil mastermind? lulz.

Second, the plot is so ridiculous, winding, and "surprising," that it's become a parody of itself. The traps are still cool, bloody as ever, but the magic is just gone.

No Jigsaw, no Amanda, no answers to exactly where Dr. Gordon is... they're just making them for the sake of making them now, and it's embarrassing.
The Haunting of Molly Hartley looked good when I first saw the trailer months ago, but alas, it's just another PG-13 tween crap-fest.

The ever clever jump scare (used here to excess), wooden and stereotypical characters, a meandering plot that takes forever to get anywhere, the obligatory twist ending (which sucked)...

This is a perfect example of Hollywood churning out pointless, bland fluff when they should be pushing the material in the other direction.

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  1. Ahhh,Zombie Strippers.Come on,that was a great shut off your brain and crack a few brews kind of movie. I was laughing my @$$ off.


  2. Every single one of these movies that you have listed as the worst, I totally passed on watching, didn't see one of them except for The Happening and I turned it off..I ran into many stinkos last year.

  3. I liked The Eye, The Happening and the April Fool's Day remake but the rest were dreck.

    - Zac

  4. The Happening was horse crap, and The Eye just sucked, but as I said in the review, April Fool's Day had some redeeming qualities going for it, the movie just failed to be even close to good despite them.

  5. The signal really sucked at the second act, and Diary yeah... well i didn´t like it, but Feast 2... c´mon that one is not bad at all, only a bit inferior to the first movie, (but because it came out later) it has some gross out moments, fast scenes, great babes, i laughed my ass off at some scenes, (the old lady.. c'mon, the vomit, the eye, etc) this one was pretty watchable

  6. Was "april fools' day" really a remake? If I recall it was more of a complete "reboot", if it wasn't really just a movie with the same name and in the same genera...

    the first one was better anyway.

    1. Yeah it was basically more of a reboot, but those terms end up being interchangabel most of the time.

      Either way, you're right, the first one was better :)