Review: Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992)

Sub-Genre- Vampires.
In Attendance- Me, Eryn, The Vanilla Gorilla, and Laurie.
Cast Members of Note- The best actor ever, Gary Oldman, quite possibly the worst actor ever, Keanu Reeves, Sir Anthony Hopkins, and Winona Ryder.

When a timid and wispy Keanu Reeves travels to Transylvania to bring legal papers to a guy named Count Dracula, he is instead greeted by British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher; finally proving that she's not only hundreds of years old, but also Dracula.  

"Why, you look like a young Ronald Reagan son. You may call me Mags."

The nefarious Count Dracula locks Keanu in the castle with three hot vampire chicks who repeatedly rape him. Meanwhile, Count Thatcher heads to England to bang every chick that Keanu knows, including his fiance, who isn't afraid to get into some hot lesbo-action. Why Dracula-Thatcher hates Keanu so much, we may never know.

Hot lesbo-action.

Thankfully Sir Anthony Hopkins arrives, kills one of his sluts, and drives Dracula-Thatcher away. Sir Anthony then chases him to Romania where he kills three more slutty vampire chicks, which clues us in to the fact that he has anger issues towards women. I won't ruin the ending for you here, but suffice it to say that Mina is a cheating whore, and she basically kills one of the men she loves.

"How much penis doth thou need, slut?"

Other than Keanu Reeves' accent, what wasn't good about this movie? Coppola is a master filmmaker, and he proves it again with Dracula; I especially loved his use of shadows and tricks of the eye in this one, as it made things oddly hypnotic at times. Everything about the film is gorgeous and captivating, and it totally deserved the 4 Oscars that it won. 

Need I say anything about how great Gary Oldman is, or how perfect he was as Dracula? He was perfect. There, I said it. Anthony Hopkins was great as a crazy Van Helsing as well... In fact, the rest of the cast seemed to fit this movie perfectly as well.

"Thatcher"

I really do like Keanu Reeves. I think he's a pretty good actor when in the right role, and he's picked some great roles over the years... that being said, he was abysmal in this movie. His accent and line delivery were just cringe-worthy.

This Vampire's line delivery was better than Keanu's.

It's sad that Margaret Thatcher, Prime Minister of Great Britain, was never credited for allowing Dracula to use her hair for scenes in this movie. 

Dracul!

We get a fair amount of blood and gore here; a beheading or four, neck biting, drinking of blood, licking of blood, some staking... but it's not to the point of overkill.

We see a Werewolf rape a woman, and the brides of Dracula rape Keanu Reeves... and we get so see Monica Bellucci's boobs!

No naked Winona, though. Bummer.

"I am the monster that breathing men would kill. I am Dracula!" or "Should you leave these rooms, you will not by any chance go to sleep in any other part of the castle. It is old and has many bad memories. Be warned."

Mina was a bit of a slut, jumping back and forth from man to man. Also, Dracula was a pimp.

Contrary to popular opinion, pimpin' is easy.

This is one of the best Vampire movies of all time; It's haunting, beautiful, Oldman is dead on as Dracula... This is a must see/own for anyone who loves Vampire flicks, or just great movies in general.

A+

Bram Stoker's Dracula is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Monica Bellucci may be the hottest Vampiress ever!