VOD Review: The Dark Tapes (2017)

"For a movie shot for less that 70k, this one deserves some credit."

The Dark Tapes is a Horror Anthology that earned some high praise from those who caught it during its festival screenings, and I have to say that I'm not sure why they all seemed to love it so much.

It's decent enough, and it definitely puts a new spin or two on the V/H/S formula, but in all honesty it's a half and half effort at best.

Of course opinion being what it is and all, what we have to say is neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things, but I've seen a ton of Found Footage flicks since the boom began, and it just felt very average overall.

(The Wraparound) To Catch a Demon- This segment is actually divided up into two parts: the first of which involves two people on a smoke break (?) on what looks to be a rooftop (again, ?) finding a camera in a room where something odd went on. They push play and begin to watch.

The meat of the wrap involves a professor and his sexy student conducting an experiment based around the idea that trans-dimensional beings can be seen by humans while in the state of REM sleep. They have a guy record them as they sleep, and what they discover is a terrifying look into what night terrors can be.

This is the best segment of the movie.

CORTNEY "UNDERRATED" PALM IS ABOUT TO GET DEMONIZED.

The Hunters and the Hunted- A couple (who have recently lost a child) moves into a new house and begins to experience some terrifying paranormal activity, so they call in some paranormal investigators for help. Things get worse and worse, culminating in an ending which was both unexpected and fun.

A solid segment.

YEAH. YOU CAN HAVE THE HOUSE. I'M LEAVING.

Cam Girls- Two cam girls offer a poor schlep a private show which proves to be more than he bargained for.

This one didn't work for me at all.

SO EDGY.

Amanda's Revenge- The final segment (before we're taken back to the wraparound for the finish) involves a girl who is saved from a date rape at a party by her friends, and then begins to experience sleep paralysis of the worst kind.

Not a bad segment, it just didn't quite deliver the goods like it could have.  

AMANDA LOOKS TO THE CEILING FOR HER REVENGE.

First for the good stuff. The creature in the wraparound segment is awesome, and creepy as shit; Cortney Palm does her usual above-average-for-the-genre work here, and I still wonder how this girl isn't getting bigger roles. She can act; I really dug the story and the execution of he Hunters and the Hunted. It felt like a fresh take on a very tired FF story, and it was great. Most of the cast across all of the segments did a solid job.

Overall though, this is a decent but uneven anthology at best. First of all, I'm not sure where these Dark Tapes even come from. The people at the beginning find the wraparound tapes and watch them, so that makes sense, but the three segments in between are just kind of shown to us with no explanation as to where they come from? Were they all spliced together on the one tape? How? Why?

I don't know, maybe I missed something.

The Cam Girls segment had promise, but it didn't really do much with that potential, and the "dark" voice at the end was just bad. And Amanda's Revenge was interesting enough, but it petered out at the end.

YEAH, IT'S A BED. GOOD JOB.

There's some gore throughout this one, most of it in the Hunters and the Hunted segment. It does boast some pretty good creature FX though.

NO.

There's not skin to be found here, which is a shame because the Cam Girl segment could have delivered on that front had they pushed it a bit.

SIGH.

For a small-budgeted Indie flick populated with mostly unknown acting talent, The Dark Tapes is a pretty solid effort. If you hate Found Footage flicks, this one will not do much to change your mind for the better, but if you dig this sort of flick, then you're in for a mostly good time.

For us, the half of the movie that was good was worth watching the whole thing for. We'd probably wait to catch it for free on Netflix if we could do it all over though.

C

The Dark Tapes is available now on VOD.

The girls of The Dark Tapes. In segment order, no less.

VOD Review: Holidays (2016)

"Considering the talent involved, Holidays wasn't quite as good as we'd hoped it would be."

Holidays is a Horror Anthology that is made up of 8 stories written and directed by 8 Genre talents who each offer their own twisted takes on the biggest holidays of the year like Valentine's Day; St. Patrick's Day; Easter; Mother's Day, Father's Day; Halloween; Christmas; and New Years Eve.

No Thanksgiving though, which really feels like a missed opportunity for Eli Roth. 

It's a great concept that is rife with possibilities, but for us, the material never quite lived up to that potential. *It is quite possible that we weren't in the right frame of mind to relax and enjoy this one for what it was, instead of not enjoying it for what we really wanted it to be, but wasn't. So read on knowing that we're not really sure how we feel about the mixed feelings that Holidays gave us.

For this review, we're going to briefly cover each of the segments that make up Holidays, and we'll do so in the order in which we liked them, from best to worst.

I will also try to keep it as spoiler free as possible. 

FATHER'S DAY

Father's Day tells the story of a young girl who receives a package from her long-dead Father, which includes a tape recorder and a tape. On that tape is a message that recorded especially for her, many years ago, the contents of which send her on a journey to find the answers that she has sought for so long.

This was by far the best segment of the Anthology. Anthony Scott Burns created a haunting and eerie story with Father's Day that made us wish that it wasn't just a short film... and that it had ended on a more satisfying note, because with all of the excellent build-up, the end just kind of happened, and that was it. The vastly-underrated Jocelin Donahue was perfect in this one too; we really wish she got more high-profile work.

Good stuff overall.

EASTER

On the night before Easter, a young girl is scared to go to sleep, because she's afraid of the Easter Bunny. Trying to waylay her daughter's fears, her mother tells her not to worry, and goes off on a tangent about Jesus and his resurrection, which freaks her out even more. In the middle of the night, the girl goes to investigate a noise in the living room, and finds something far more terrifying than she ever imagined.

Directed by Nicholas McCarthy (whom we're big fans of), we found Easter to be pretty enjoyable. It could have been better, as it was a bit talky at the beginning, and the cheesy ending kinda ruined the creepiness of the whole thing a bit, but we thought it was pretty cool how the Jesus/Easter Bunny creature felt like a Cenobite to us.

CHRISTMAS

A father is on the hunt for the perfect Christmas gift for his son; a VR headset that is somehow able to see into the depths of your soul, and project whatever it finds there. What it finds is nothing good.

The tongue-in-cheek vibe of Christmas, along with its cool VR premise, worked for us. Seth Green was great here, as was his sexy real-life wife Clare Grant, and with all of this segment's potential, this one could easily be a feature-length effort. Very enjoyable.

ST. PATRICK'S DAY

A teacher who wants nothing more than to be a mother receives some unwanted help from the odd, new girl in class, Grainne.

It could just be me, but this one had a Fulci-esque vibe about it; it was probably the fact that the creepy little ginger girl reminded me a lot of the little girl from The Beyond, but maybe I'm crazy. Either way, this was a decent short that had me right up until the silly ending came along with it's Danny Zuko nonsense, which included a snake with a pompadour. 75% enjoyable.

MOTHER'S DAY

A girl who gets pregnant everything she has sex, no matter what kind, or how much contraception she uses, heads to a weekend fertility ceremony, looking for help with her unwanted pregnancy.

The most feminine of all of the segments, obviously, is Mother's Day; which was directed by Sarah Adina Smith, who gave us last year's haunting, The Midnight Swim. This was probably the most tonally serious of the segments, but it does drag a bit, and it never quite felt fun or exciting... which was the point, but it bears mention. Solid, but a bit underwhelming.

NEW YEAR'S EVE

A Serial Killer lands a date with a lonely girl on New Year's Eve, only to find that his potential prey isn't about to take his murderous intentions lying down. 

This one was decent enough; a bit too short, and way too obvious, but decent. The gorgeous Lorenza Izzo is great as the lonely girl, and the way that she fights off the killer's advances was pretty fun. Even intense. Decent, but way too short.

VALENTINE'S DAY

A young girl named Maxine develops a crush on her Diving Teacher, and struggles to show him how she feels amidst dealing with the group of mean girls who are intent of making her life a living hell.

This one wasn't bad, but it had too much quirk mixed into the Horror for our tastes. It just felt uneven, and as much as we liked the ending, it felt oddly humorous rather than terrifying. I don't know, had this one played it for straight Horror from start to finish, then we would have liked it way more. Probably. Maybe not though.

HALLOWEEN

Three Cam Girls decide that they've had enough of their sleazy boss's abuse, and decide to teach him a lesson that he and his most tender body parts won't soon forget.

Easily the worst of the bunch, Halloween didn't feel like the work of Kevin Smith at all. This segment is vulgar, as you'd expect from something with Smith's name on it, but everything here seems forced; from the dialogue to the revenge bit. It's not funny, and it really it felt like it was written by a twelve-year-old who likes to swear excessively just for the sake of it. Worst of all, it just didn't work on any level. At least for us.

As with any Horror Anthology, there were parts of Holidays that worked, and some that didn't. For us,this was a truly middle-of-the-road experience.

We really liked the Father's Day and Easter segments, and Christmas and St. Patrick's Day were fun, but even the good ones felt like they were lacking something, Again, maybe we expected too much, and we should have just kicked back and enjoyed this movie for what it was, but that's how it hit us.

We had two real problems with this Horror Anthology: One, is that as good as some of the segments were, none of them seemed to know how to end effectively. Two, the tone was too campy and silly at times, which killed the impact of most of the segments.

It also really felt as if many of the segments were thrown together in a very short time, and they suffered for it.

YEAH, SETH, WE HAD TO WATCH IT TOO.

This one was all kinds of gory. Excess blood, severed body parts, open wound fingering, disturbing cam porn (which was only alluded to, but was nasty), dismemberment, and even the trusty old ax to the head bit.

WHO'S THE PRETTY GIRL NOW, HUH?

The Mother's Day segment had some nudity, and the Halloween segment was suggestive in its subject matter.

FOR THE MOST PART THOUGH, THE NUDITY TREE IS BARE IN THIS ONE.

Maybe if they had cut the number of segments down to 5, and allowed the ones that remained to breathe a bit more, Holidays would have been a more satisfying experience overall. As it stands though, what we have here is an Anthology that gives us 2 solid segments, a few mediocre ones, and a few that we could have absolutely done without.

It was alright, but it just didn't grab us like we had hoped it would. Less picky (some call us elitist) Horror fans may get a kick out of it though.

C

Holidays is available now on VOD, and will be in theaters (Limited) starting on 4/22.

The ladies of Holidays have their own Horror Hottie post that you can see right over HERE, if staring at pictures of attractive women is your thing.

VOD Review: Southbound (2016)

"This is how more Horror Anthologies should be done."

We love Horror Anthologies.

A lot of them aren't all that great, and some of them are even downright bad, but when they're good, there's almost nothing better to give us the quick, impactful Horror fix that we're fiending for.

Thankfully, Southbound is one of those good ones that delivered most of what we hoped that it would. Had it delivered just a bit more, it would have been an A+ sort of affair, but we're still happy with what it did give us; which was some decent thrills wrapped in an ever-present sense of dread. What more could we really ask for from the people who gave us three uneven V/H/S movies?

Southbound is a Horror Anthology that revolves around a group of people who are pulled into their own living nightmares while traveling down a desolate stretch of highway. Presumably, they're all heading South. Or the title could just be a metaphor for Hell, in which case they could have just called the movie Hellbound, and been done with it.

Anywho, we're going to break down each segment as simple and spoiler-free as possible. 

THE WAY OUT

Two guys are on the run after having done something bad, and they're being chased by some creepy, floating squid-like creatures. What did they do, and why are they being chased? We don't find that out until the final segment, where everything comes full circle. 

This was a pretty solid opening. Nothing remarkable, but solid.

SIREN

When their tour bus breaks down in the middle of nowhere, the all-girl band The White Tights accepts a ride from an nice older couple, which of course leads to nothing good. 

This was a good segment that had a truly creepy vibe about it, as well as plenty of great black comedy throughout; it wasn't funny though, so don't get the wrong idea. It reminded us of the Satanic Cult movies that were so popular in the 70's. It's also a pretty bloody segment, with plenty of vomiting, mysterious meat eating, and white milky medicine drinking that turned our stomachs a bit.

Good stuff.

THE ACCIDENT

A guy is driving down a lonely stretch of highway in the dead of night, when he hits a girl who wanders into the road. She's hurt bad, and it's apparent that if he doesn't act quick, she's going to die. So he does act quick, doing everything in his power to save her life, which leads him to an empty hospital, where one of the most disturbing scenes that we've seen in recent memory unfolds.

The Accident was our favorite segment of the movie, as it was nasty, creepy, and pretty frigging intense. It's also a cruel segment, which you'll understand after seeing how it unfolds. It also boasts one hell of a nasty, cringe-inducing sequence, which you'll definitely know when you see it.

This one was the high-point of the movie for us.

JAILBREAK

Danny has been searching for his sister Jesse for over ten years, and he's finally tracked her down to a small, out of the way town in the middle of the desert. When he finds her though, the reunion isn't quite as happy as he expected it to be...

This was the section of the movie that we liked the least. It wasn't bad, mind you, it just didn't have the impact on us that the other segments had, and it ended on a pretty lame note. After all of the "you can't go out there" bullshit, all we get is a bunch of guys in white makeup, and an off-screen scream?

Very anti-climactic.

THE WAY IN

As a family gets ready to send their daughter off to college, a trio of masked men show up at their isolated house in the middle of the night with other plans...

The last segment of the movie would be the best of them all, if The Accident hadn't been so good. The Way In not only presents its own twisted, intense story, but also manages to tie into the first story (The Way Out) in a very satisfactory way; and we love how it tied in.

This was a solid way to end a solid Anthology flick, and we are pleased.

SHE'S NOT VERY PLEASED, BUT WE ARE.

As Horror Anthologies go, Southbound is at the top of the heap for us. It's not Trick 'r Treat or anything, and it wasn't without its weak points, but it was a thrilling and cohesive ride through Hell that made us want more.

The cool thing about this movie is how seamlessly all the stories flow together. Where in other Anthologies like V/H/S, the stories all have a kind of thrown together feeling, the ones in Southbound are all connected and joined together organically. That was a really nice thing to experience.

We would have liked to have had a bit more info to chew on, as a lot of the cooler aspects of the movie were left ambiguous for the most part. Was the little strip of highway, the hospital, the bar, and everything around them a sort of Hell on Earth? Was it actually Hell? The way we look at it, the Pentagram on the poster makes it all a sort of Hellish Bermuda Triangle of sorts, but that's just us.

And what did the one guy do the the other guy's daughter? We can draw our own conclusions, but a little more info would have added some weight to that segment, which felt like it ended a bit too quickly.  And really, what was the point of the Jailbreak segment? It felt like filler, in a movie that was most filler-free, like it was a "we need one more segment" sort of thing.

AND WHAT WAS HER DEAL?

Plenty of gore throughout this one, including some impaling, some exploding heads, plenty of stabbing, and once horribly disturbing scene in a hospital that made us wince and turn away more than once. That fucking leg gag...

It's definitely bloody enough for most folks.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE EATEN THAT MEAT.

Even though there were plenty of attractive women in this movie, there was no nudity on display.

SASSY.

Next time you have to drive through the desert, take a plane instead. Also, the bad shit you do always comes back to haunt you. Always.

IN THE FORM OF GIANT, SPECTRAL SQUID MONSTERS.

Southbound is one hell of a Horror Anthology that got just about everything right, and the things that it got wrong weren't really all that wrong, but more like off a bit. I really don't want to sound like I'm overselling this one (this movie is made my many of the folks who gave us the V/H/S movies, and I had no issue ripping them apart as needed), but it's better than any of them were, and one of the better Horror Anthologies in recent years. It may even be the best one since Trick 'r Treat.

If you dig Horror Anthologies, then you need to give this one a rent.

B+

Southbound is available now on VOD, and in Limited Theatrical release.

There's plenty of eye candy in Southbound; so much so that we gave them their own little Horror Hotties post, which you can check out right HERE.