November 30, 2009

Quick Review: Skull Heads (2009)
The story of Skull Heads revolves around a whiny girl (the ever-sexy Robin Sydney) who is locked away in a castle with her parents, because the world is evil and she should just stay at home to be safe. In the film's only good moment, the girl stands fully naked in front of a mirror and checks herself out, which was quite pleasing. Other than that though, there's a 20-minute-long breakfast scene followed by a 20-minute-long dinner scene... and by the time this movie is 50 minutes in, and nothing has happened other than a lot of bad acting and some Skull Puppets peeking around corners. That leaves only 25 minutes more to have even more nothing happen.

I guess the castle is protected by supernatural guardians called Skull Heads, who harm mean people if they try to harm the family that lives in Skull Head castle... whatever.

This movie was just plain old boring and lame, like a bad episode of Tales from the Darkside or something. I do like the poster though.
"Ooga Booga!"
Skull Heads is a typical Full Moon release; if you like things cheap and cheesy, then you'll dig it. If you don't, like us, then you'll be trying to poke your eyes out for its entire 80 minute runtime. Rent accordingly.

Robin Sydney is in this.

November 23, 2009

DVD Review: Giallo (2009)

To me, dissing Dario Argento is like pushing my favorite Uncle off of the roof, sending him falling into the glass-shard garden below... and yet it must be done...

Cast Members of Note- Adrien Brody, Emmanuelle Seigner, and Elsa Pataky. Directed by Dario Argento.

A creepy killer named Yellow is on the loose in Italy, and it's up to a stewardess and an American detective to stop his murderous rampage... and his odd post-nasal-drip-induced wheezing. It already sounds like a nightmare, doesn't it? Yeah, terrifying. You see, Yellow is a retarded cab driver whom was teased by the other children for looking retarded when he was little... so naturally, he grows up and decides torture and kill women to "get his revenge." Now wouldn't you think he'd grow up and kill kids, since it was kids who drove him to be a murderer in the first place? Like take out a playground with a flamethrower or something? Maybe get a job as an ice cream man and poison the push-up pops?

Leave the adult women alone, yellow Rambo-looking guy!
Adrien Brody is the American detective, and his story is even better; as a child he witnessed his mother being stabbed to death, he went nuts, tracked down the killer, stabbed him to death, and the Cops made him a junior detective on the spot. So naturally he would take on the case of an American stewardess (who isn't American at all, and lives in Italy) whose slutty model sister goes missing... I have no idea what happened. Let's just move on here.

Scream at the corpse. That helps.
Will they find the whore sister before Yellow can do away with her? Why is Elsa Pataky dating Adrien Brody in real life anyway? Will Argento ever be a relevant director again? We may never know the answer to these questions... and quite frankly, I'm fine with that. 

You're ruining this threesome, Elsa.
Giallo felt like neither a Giallo film, nor an Argento movie to me. It had its moments, and wasn't truly horrible, but I wanted to giggle more than I wanted to tense up and close my eyes, and that made it all a crap experience for me. Some of the bloody parts were fun, Italy as a backdrop was gorgeous, and Elsa Pataky was good to look at, but the rest of it, not so much.

Good God.
Why do women scream so much in Horror movies? Sure I get that its natural instinct to scream when terrified, but does it have to be over and over and over again? Or at times when you really shouldn't be calling attention to yourself, like when hiding? Best of all, when restrained in a dingy basement, with corpses of other chicks all around you, make sure to scream mean things at the killer, over and over and over again. That's a real good idea. Maybe learn to shut up ladies, and you might just live through more of these ordeals. 

Shush. Keep it down now. Voices carry.
The worst part of the whole thing was that the killer, Yellow (Giallo), was not frightening at all. In fact, he was so goofy looking and odd, that he seemed to be more like comic relief than anything else. And then at the end he kinda turns out to be honorable and nice??? Fuck that. Italian Horror pussed out on us with this one!

Don't be nice, Yellow. Kill them slowly.
As is usually the case with Gialli films, and Argento flicks in particular, there is plenty of violence to be had here, though in this case most of it was not very captivating or exciting. It seemed well placed and deliberate, rather than intense or cringe-inducing. Meh.

Nope, and I'm pretty sure that it's not all that hard to get Elsa Pataky naked either.  

Even Dario Argento can swing and miss sometimes.

And so can Adrien Brody.
Man it hurts me to be so harsh on an Argento movie. The guy has given Horror fans so much to love over the years that I just feel guilty not liking something of his. If I'm being honest, Giallo really should be more in the DO NOT WANT range of the grade scale, but sentimental value (along with a few promising aspects of the film itself) prevent me from dismissing it totally. 

Where many hated it, I really liked Mother of Tears, so the fact I felt that this movie really sucked says volumes. At least to me.


Good God is Elsa Pataky hot or what? 

November 19, 2009

10 Posters for 10 Questionable movies

Some of these movies we've seen, some were scared to even watch; these are the movies you see on the shelf at Blockbuster and say "This looks pretty good." HA! They usually aren't good at all!

Let's take a look, shall we? 

Das racis.
"Welcome to Barricade." So Barricade is a place? Like Barricade, MI or something? Ugh.
The MTV logo should tell you everything you need to know here.
More like "Shit is Rising."
"The only way out is death." Are there no roads leading out of camp, or do they mean you will want to kill yourself once you've watched this little gem? I vote #2.
Not if I don't rent it. HA!
Jason Connery directed The Devil's Tomb, which was pretty decent, but this one scares me... How many Viral-geddon movies do we need?
Ok, this one we need to see. This seriously makes me laugh out loud.
Vacancy Part 3, with less of a budget and an unknown cast. Sounds real good.

November 16, 2009

Quick Review: The Perfect Getaway (2009)
The Perfect Getaway is the story of a couple on vacation in Hawaii who comes across two other couples, one of which has been murdering other couples like a couple of creeps. It's a battle for survival that plays out in a pretty intense and "whodunit" manner.

This was a pretty solid effort. It's got a decent story that had plenty of twists and turns, it's set in some truly gorgeous locations, and it was pretty engaging... which is why I'm not sure why it didn't blow me away like I thought it would. It had all the ingredients of a movie that I'd love, and yet it left me feeling a bit underwhelmed when it was over, and I can't really say why.

Don't be mad, Milla. It could have just been my mood.
The best part of the whole thing though is the cast. Timothy Olyphant and Steve Zahn alone make most things extra watchable, and it was fun to see a pre-Thor Chris Hemsworth playing the "bad guy" in this one. Throw in the considerable talent and even more considerable hotness of Milla Jovovich, and it only makes things better. She's special, folks. Then again, so are Marley Shelton and Keile Sanchez... Basically everyone in the cast is pretty special, and they've all gone on to do some great projects since.

That cast tho...
I'm going to chalk it up to seeing it at the wrong time, I think. When it hits DVD I'll pick it up and watch it again, and maybe it will please me more than it did this first time. Maybe you should check it out and let me know if it was better than I initially thought. I don't always get it right, you know. *Ha! Yes I do!


The Perfect Getaway is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Milla, Keile, and Marley... The perfect girls to go on a perfect getaway with.