VOD Review: The Windmill (2016)

"Great. Now we have a reason to fear windmills, too."

Going into The Windmill I figured that it was going to be a fun Slasher flick throwback kind of thing. The fact that it was originally titled The Windmill Massacre probably had something to do with it, because a movie with the word massacre in the title that involves a creepy dude with a scythe running around cutting people down kinda screams Slasher flick.

The Windmill though, while being a Slasher flick, is also a Supernatural story about... well, something else.

I don't want to ruin the plot for you, so I'll just say that this is a Slasher of a different color and leave it at that.

And it's a pretty good one at that.

A group of tourists board a bus to take a trip through the scenic Dutch countryside, because that sounds fun. From the get go, it's clear that they all have something shady about them, even the cute-as-a-button Jennifer. Especially her, actually. How all of these people with deep dark secrets all ended up on the same bus in Holland though, I have no idea. Must be fate.

WHAT DID THEY DO?

Of course, the bus breaks down in the middle of nowhere in the dead of night, but luckily for the passengers that there's a windmill close by. They can probably get some help there, or at least some finely-ground Dutch flour. Or maybe all that's waiting for them there is painful death at the hands of its disfigured, scythe-wielding Miller. It's definitely one of those three.

Hellish retribution ensues. 

TAKE HIS HAND, SNOWFLAKE. HE MEANS YOU NO HARM.

The Windmill was an entertaining Supernatural Slasher. It could have used a bit more action and gore in place of some of the longer, more drawn out scenes of exposition, but for the most part, it held our interest and delivered a competently engrossing story that we enjoyed.

The Miller made for an imposing threat, and the kills he unleashed on his victims were inspiring, with a few of them even being impressive. 

Aside from the always cool Noah Taylor, the rest of the cast was new to us. They all did a fine job in their roles, but British QT Charlotte Beaumont stood out the most to us, mainly because she's a QT. She also made for a decent heroine/Final Girl too.

BY THE LOOKS OF HIM, BEING A MILLER HAS CERTAINLY BEEN A BIT OF A GRIND. ZING!

There are some good kill scenes throughout this one, the last one being our favorite.

POOR KID NEVER SAW IT COMING...

No nudity in this one, folks.

WHAT SAY YOU LOSE THE SWEATER?

If you're looking for a decent Slasher-esque flick that has bit more to offer, then The Windmill is definitely one to check out. It's not a ground-breaking effort or anything, but it's well made, fun, and has some pretty cool visceral thrills throughout.

Give it a rent.

C+

The Windmill is available now on VOD.

More like The Babemill, am I right?

DVD Review: The Tribe (2015)

We have never before had the experience of seeing a movie which sign language to tell its story instead of the spoken word, and in that respect, The Tribe is one of the most interesting and different movies that we've ever seen. Director Miroslav Slaboshpitsky deserves a ton of credit for not only having the balls to try and make a movie in such a different way, but in being able to pull it off as well as he did.

The Tribe is the story of Sergey; he's the new kid at a school for the deaf who is quickly initiated into the school's ruling gang, where he and his new pals run around mugging people, pimping young girls out to truck drivers, beating people, stealing, and having sex. Sergey ends up getting the hots for one of the girls he pimps out, Anya, and they end up "dating" each other.

That's really all there is to the plot. We're not trying to be dicks about it, but that's pretty much what it is. This movie is far more about the experience than it is any sort of narrative... although the overall narrative is pretty important to that experience... at least thematically. I don't know. It's a different kind of flick.

UKRAINIAN ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS.

The Tribe contains no spoken dialogue, its characters communicating via sign language only. There no subtitles or voiceover for the sign language either, so if you don't happen to be up on that particular brand of communication, then the movie will play for you as it did for us: as an almost silent movie of sorts.

It was a different sort of experience for us, watching a movie in which no one spoke. We probably missed a lot of plot development, and even nuance, throughout this one because of the our lack of understanding, though to his credit, director Miroslav Slaboshpitsky crafted this movie in a simple, straight-forward sort of a way, which actually allowed us to follow along with everything far easier than we ever though we'd be able to. After the first few minutes, the fact that everyone on screen was signing, and that we had no idea what they were saying to each other, didn't even register anymore.

THOSE ARE SOME PRETTY FUCKED-UP TOILETS.

The Tribe is a very violent and sexually explicit movie. There are multiple scenes of sex between teenagers; people get mugged, robbed, and brutally beaten; people get their heads caved in; there's a rape; and the ending was particularly WTF-inducing. Given the subject matter and mechanics of this movie, the scene with the truck backing up was pretty damned disturbing too.

Worst of all though, was the especially horrific back-alley abortion scene that was so fucking horrific, that we couldn't watch most of it. The fact that during that scene, we finally heard Anya's voice as she cried out in pain, made it even more horrific. Yes, we just used the word horrific three times in two sentences. Trust us, it's warranted.

JESUS CHRIST.

We had two real issues with this movie:

One, is that there really isn't any story to follow. The Tribe plays as more of a snapshot of the daily life of Sergey and a few of his troubled classmates, which is fine, but it doesn't really go anywhere. In that way, it reminded us a lot of the 1995 movie, Kids.

The second issue, which is made worse by the first one, is that none of the characters in the movie are very likable or sympathetic. Most of the kids, including Sergey, exist to do nothing other than beat, rob, rape, pimp ,whore themselves, and kill. We couldn't even feel all that much for Sergey, as he just shows up to the school, joins the gang, and starts doing some horrible shit like he was joining the football team or something. We did manage to feel some sympathy for Anya, in two especially fucked up scenes, but even she seemed to take the horrible things that they were all doing in stride, as if it was commonplace.

Then again, maybe that was the point of the whole thing.

LIFE IS ROUGH IN UKRAINE.

The Tribe is a great Arthouse Film that offers Horror fans plenty of realistic brutality, but not much in the way of story or character development. It's not a particularly enjoyable movie either, but it is one that makes a statement, and does so in a very powerful, bold, and unique way.

It won't be for everybody, and in fact, it may not even be for most people, but if you like experimental Arthouse movies that do something completely different from the norm, then it might just be for you.

B

The Tribe  is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Yana Novikova is one brave, brave actress.

VOD Quick Review: Reckless (2015)

The main thing that you need to know about Reckless (aka Bloedlink), is that it's a remake of the 2009 British Thriller, The Disappearance of Alice Creed. We really liked Alice Creed, and we can say that if you've already seen that one, then you know exactly what you're going to get with this one. Same story, different talent, same quality.

The real question is why did someone think that there needed to be a Dutch remake of Alice Creed to begin with? Who knows, but here we are.

Both are the story of two thugs who kidnap the daughter of a millionaire, and hold her for ransom. They cut her clothes off, tie her to a bed, make her pee into a flask, feed her some nasty-looking soup, take photos of her, and kick back waiting for Daddy to deliver the millions to get his precious baby back.

THERE'S SOME GAY TENSION GOING ON THERE...

These three are basically the only people we see on screen throughout the movie, and so watching the twists and turns that the plot takes becomes somewhat of an intimate thing. We don't want to say too much about the plot, lest we give away said twists and turns, but suffice it to say that there's enough intensity and debauchery going on here to keep the average Thriller fan happily glued to the screen.

It gets a bit intense at times, especially during the section of the film where the kidnappers cut the clothes off of their victim and she's forced to do certain things while naked, but it's never anything too over the top. *There's no rape or any other kind of sexual deviance in this one, but it still feels skeevy at times.

THIS GUY DOES NOT PLAY.

In Reckless, the main role is played by the gorgeous Sarah Chronis; a woman who is so gorgeous whether naked or clothed, that she makes us wish that we lived in The Netherlands. She played the kidnap victim with convincing intensity, and we give her a lot of credit for being able to be fully naked and play terrified so well; the scenes where she had to pee into a flask while the kidnappers held it were pretty disturbing. Also, she's gorgeous, and dare we say every bit as gorgeous as Alice Creed's Gemma Arterton. Oh, we just used the word gorgeous 4 times in one paragraph? There must be a good reason for that.

SHE LOOKS LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN ARI GRAYNOR and CHELAN SIMMONS TO US.

So which is better: The Disappearance of Alice Creed or Reckless? Well, aside from a few differences, they're both essentially the same film (nearly frame for frame), so it's hard to say. Alice Creed has the more famous cast (with the brilliant Eddie Marsan playing one of the baddies, and sexy Gemma Arterton playing the kidnap victim), but then the cast of Reckless does an equally admirable job with their roles too, so it's a draw on most counts.

They're both great movies, and both deserve to be seen. How's that? 

MAYBE IT COMES DOWN TO WHETHER OR NOT YOU MIND READING SUBTITLES?

If you like Crime Thrillers, then there's no reason that you should not enjoy Reckless. It's a solid movie that makes the most of its small cast and limited locations to keep you interested. Sure, you may have to read subtitles to watch this one (unless you're fluent in Dutch), but don't let that stop you.

B+

Reckless is available now on DVD and VOD.

Sarah Chronis is Prachtig!

DVD Review: Resident Evil (2002)

(aka The Alice Show.)
Release Date: March 15th, 2002.
Country: GER/FRA/UK/USA.
Rating: R.
Written by: Paul W.S. Anderson.
Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson.
Starring: Milla Jovovich, Eric Mabius, James Purefoy, and Michelle Rodriguez.

Milla Jovovich kicking ass; that's the main reason that this movie is any good, and the only reason that the Resident Evil movie series exists. Without her, this one would have no spark, and it probably would have been a one-and-done like so many other video game adaptations are. 

Now if only Milla had starred in Silent Hill...

Far below Raccoon City is The Hive; a top-secret genetic research facility owned by the massive, Walmart-esque Umbrella Corporation. When some asshole breaks a vial of the deadly T-virus and then hightails it out of The Hive, its sentient watchdog/overlord The Red Queen locks everything down and kills everyone inside. She's saving the world.

THIS IS WHY I'D NEVER WORK MILES BELOW THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH.

Up on the surface, Alice wakes up alone and naked in a mansion, with no idea how she got there, or who she is. Quickly realizing that she's a part of the Lindsay Lohan Initiative, she gets dressed and prepares to do the walk of shame, when a bunch of commandos break through the windows and tell her that the mansion is an entrance to The Hive, and that she's it's guardian. They also tell her that something has happened in The Hive, and all of them, Alice included, have got to travel to the chamber of The Red Queen, to deactivate her.

ROUGH NIGHT. 

Of course shutting down The Red Queen means that everything else shuts down as well, and doing so releases the newly reanimated T-virus zombies, as well as some dead dogs, and some monsters that like to lick people to death. Trapped far below ground with the deadly monsters, Alice and her new pals have to fight their way to daylight before Umbrella nukes Raccoon City and kills them all.

Poor girl just can't catch a break.

SO, THAT HAPPENED.

The Resident Evil movie series is an odd one. As each installment gets progressively worse, at least from the standpoint of everything that makes a movie "good," they also get more and more enjoyable. That's really the strength of these movies; they kinda suck, and they're definitely cringe-worthy at times, but damn are they fun to watch. The Resident Evil movies are kinda like the Fast & Furious movies of the Horror world; stupid, but highly enjoyable.

This first Resident Evil is more of a "traditional" movie in that it had more of a plot, and it wasn't anywhere near as over the top and silly as its sequels were. We enjoyed all of the movies in this series, to different degrees, but it will always be the first one that we can say that we honestly loved.

Resident Evil is a guilty pleasure, plain and simple.

Milla Jovovich is really the saving grace of this film (and franchise.) She's a strong, skilled, and deadly female who exists only to kill zombies and monsters, and strike cool poses while doing so, and she does it all flawlessly. She's not quit as deadly in this one as she is in the subsequent sequels, but she still owns this movie.

GO AHEAD, TAKE IT.

Resident Evil was originally going to be directed by none other than George A. Romero himself. Can you imagine that? This series could have been some next-level shit with him at the helm. We would have loved to see how the master of the zombie movie would have treated this material, but I guess it was never meant to be. Read Romero's original script HERE, and judge for yourself.

FIRE ROMERO OFF OF THE MOVIE, BUT STILL REFERENCE HIS FILMS. CLASSY MOVE.

It's obvious that developing the characters in this movie (aside from Alice) was something that no one was interested in; they all felt generic and interchangeable, which made the whole thing feel a bit generic overall. Maybe Rain wasn't generic, but then again that was only Michelle Rodriguez doing her "way too masculine, pissed-off tough girl" shtick that she does in every single movie that she's in, so in a completely different way, she was pretty generic too.

Also, some of the dialogue was pretty bad, especially when it came to the supporting characters like the scientists, the Hive employees, etc..

TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH, MICHELLE.

Zombies eat people, people dispatch of zombies, people get cut apart by a laser... this one is plenty gory. I think that the body count in this movie was north of 80, so there's plenty of death to go around.

HE COULD PROBABLY SURVIVE THAT.

Milla gets nearly naked in this one, and you can see flashes of her naughty bits if you pause the movie at the right time, but its all very quick and harmless.

THAT'S RIGHT, PUT 'EM ON THE GLASS.

"I've been a bad, bad girl."

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME?"

Milla Jovovich kicks ass. Also, she's incredibly sexy. Also, watching her kick ass is incredibly sexy.

MORE LIKE RESIDENT BONER, AM I RIGHT?

Resident Evil isn't necessarily a good movie, but it sure as hell is an enjoyable one. Even more important is that it's an above-average video game adaptation, and those aren't easy to come by. It's definitely a Hollywood type of Horror flick (slick and brainless), but at least they went the Rated-R route with it, which means more blood & gore for us. If you can deal with a convoluted plot and some cheesy dialogue, then this one is definitely worth your time. Just don't expect anything more than a fun popcorn flick, and you'll most likely be happy.

B+

Resident Evil is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Not only does Milla Jovovich play one of the most kick-ass Alpha females to ever grace the silver screen, but she's ridiculously hot while doing so.