VOD Review: All Through the House (2016)

"Ho, ho, ho, 80's Slasher style."

With Christmas just around the corner, we figured that we needed to sit down and watch a Christmas-themed Horror flick or two. Sure, we like the normal Christmas stuff, such as rampant consumerism, annoying Christmas music, and pretending to like everyone in your family because you have to, but what we really need this time of year is to drink some hot cocoa and watch some crazy dude in a Santa suit hacking people to death.

That just says Happy Holidays to us in a very special way.

We always watch Black Christmas, Gremlins, and maybe some Silent Night, Deadly Night, but we needed something new this year. That something new turned out to be All Through the House; a fun, 80's throwback of a Slasher flick that was packed full of all kinds of wet and red presents for us to enjoy.

It's Christmas time, and Rachel has returned to her childhood town to visit her crazy Nana, and leave a present under the tree for her long-dead mother. You see, 15 years ago, her mother disappeared (or was killed, still not sure) at the same time as a local neighbor girl went missing. And yes, the two events are tied together in a "shocking" way. You'll never see it coming from a mile away, either.

PLOT BE DAMNED; WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT HERE IS THAT DRESS.

So Rachel hooks up with her two gal pals for a night of shopping, which eventually turns into a night of family secrets and death when the three of them decide to help the creepy neighbor lady decorate her house, which is already fully decorated, and filled with way too many creepy mannequins. Also, "Santa" is roaming the neighborhood, killing whores and their lovers (and old women, as it turns out), because everybody is naughty.

There's more to the story, but it really doesn't matter. Scantily-clad chicks and gory kills ensue.

WHAT A WASTE OF HOTNESS.

All Through the House isn't a very good movie. I don't say that to be shitty, or to demean the effort that went into making it, but the acting is mediocre at best, and downright terrible at times; the story is really predictable and clumsy; and it feels like a cheap B-movie...

Where the movie does get it right though is in the bloodletting department. This is an 80's Slasher throwback in every sense, and it shows in its kill scenes, which are shown in all their glory; and in the amount of blood that flows, which is liberal. The practical effects work very well for a movie with such a small budget.

The movie also excels in the babes department. Populated with a bevy of modern day Scream Queens, all of whom appear various forms of sexy dress and undress, All Through the House recalls a day when Horror films were titillating, and unashamedly so. As exquisite and lovely as the female form is, you're damn right we should be able to appreciate it in the films we love. This movie allows us to do just that.

THE BEST PART OF THE MOVIE. WE LOVE HER.

Shears in eyes, shears through chests, machetes in necks, and not one but two severed penis', the stockings are stuffed with bloody kills galore in this one, all of which are shown in full graphic goodness. Especially the severed penis', which are straight up shown laying on the ground. They went there twice.

THAT POOR BASTARD!

Nudity you say? Well there are two shower scenes, some topless scenes, and even an almost lesbian scene. It's mostly just a bunch of girls running around showing off their cleavage in revealing outfits, but it's got its moments.

AS LONG AS THAT SHOWER TOOK, SHE'S STILL DIRTY.

We learned that sometimes scantily-clad women and gratuitous gore can make a movie better. See for yourselves.

All Through the House is a movie that works well as an 80's Slasher throwback, even if it's not the most well-written or well-acted effort out there. It's fun though, and it delivers plenty of shameless goods in the name of bloody fun, and for that, we have to sing its praises.

C+

All Through the House is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Let's take a look at the lovely ladies of All Through the House, shall we?

Theatrical Review: Krampus (2015)

(aka Trick 'r Treat 1.5)
Release Date: December 4th.
Country: USA
Rating: PG-13
Written by: Michael Dougherty and Todd Casey.
Directed by: Michael Dougherty.
Starring: Adam Scott, Toni Collette, David Koechner and Allison Tolman.

Like most of us, director Michael Dougherty grew up watching Gremlins as part of his Christmas repertoire, and with Krampus, that's exactly the kind of movie that he wanted to give to his fans; a dark fairytale that the kids can see, while at the same time pleasing the adult horror-lovers in all of us. 

In that, he's succeeded wildly.

On December 22nd, Tom, Sarah and the kids are getting ready for the arrival of Sarah's sister and her family, so that they can celebrate Christmas together. Of course her family are all complete jerks, and it doesn't look like it's going to be a very happy and joyous celebration for anyone, but if Christmas is about anything, it's about putting up with family members who drive you insane. And rum.

YEAH, THAT'S SOME CHRISTMAS CHEER RIGHT THERE.

In the days leading up to Christmas, amidst all of the the infighting and un-cheer, a massive snow storm settles in which kills the power, and makes the roads inaccessible; everyone trapped in the house together drives each other more and more insane; one of the kids goes missing; and then a big horned Demon shows up with his minions of evil toys, intent of taking everyone back to Hell with him.

THERE ARE ALSO EVIL ELVES AND DISTURBING SNOWMEN.

That's all we're going to say, because that's basically the plot, and to say anything more would only serve to spoil how it unfolds, but we will say that we'd welcome a sequel to Krampus every year... not that it was perfect or anything, but it was pretty damned enjoyable, and it wasn't a sequel, remake, or Found Footage bore-fest.

WHY CLOWNS WERE EVER USED FOR KIDS PARTIES, WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

From the opening credits where we see what a madhouse Christmas shopping truly is, we knew that we were going to like this movie. Horror fans are already familiar with writer/director Michael Dougherty's 2008 classic Trick' r Treat, and after having seen his latest effort, we can honestly say that the guy has that special touch when it comes to making movies; especially Horror movies that have a Holiday theme.

What Krampus does really well is illustrate what Christmas is supposed to be all about, and show us that for the wicked amongst us, there are no presents, only coal. Murderous, soul-stealing coal. The movie is a visual treat of the Christmas variety, but its characters, at least at the start, are all self-absorbed and horrible. They're missing the point of Christmas completely... until Krampus comes along and reminds them what happens to people when they don't believe.

It makes a good point without being too preachy about it. 

HOW'S THAT XANAX WORKING FOR YOU NOW, MOM?

When Krampus and his twisted little toy minions do show up about halfway through the movie, things kick into a higher, more entertaining gear. The clown, the bear, the gingerbread men, the elves... whoever designed those bad boys did a perfect job, and every second that they were on screen was fantastic.

The whole thing played a lot like Gremlins to us; kinda funny, a lot of fun, mildly sentimental here and there, and even a bit scary in parts. But fun is the order of the day with this movie.

We can't say much about the ending without ruining things for you, but I do have to say that the way it ended brought a smile to our faces. It was perfect. We loved it.

"WE HAVE SUCH CHRISTMAS SIGHTS TO SHOW YOU."

We're glad that Krampus was rated PG-13, so that it could garner as wide an audience as possible; Mike Dougherty deserves commercial success on a bigger level after giving us the brilliant Trick 'r Treat (which was not handled well at all by the studio, release-wise.) That said though, the movie really could have used a bit more of a bloody, R-Rated edge. It felt at times as it they held back on some good kills and gory moments because they opted to go the more accessible route.

Good for them though, as the movie will most likely double its production costs before all is said an done. Hopefully, it will earn even more than that.

TEDDY RUXPIN SURE HAS CHANGED OVER THE YEARS...

We wish that Krampus would visit the houses of some of the people that we know, and teach them a lesson or two. Since he's not real though, we'll just have to add more rum to our eggnog, and do our best to endure them this Holiday Season.

It's just not fair.

YOU'RE 12, KID, WHY ARE YOU STILL WRITING LETTERS TO SANTA?

Being that this movie is rated PG-13, there's not a lot of excessive gore in this one, but what we do get is pretty fun, if subtle. We're betting that there will be an Unrated Cut that shows off some nasty bits that didn't make the movie, when it hits Blu-ray & DVD.

HE NEVER SAW IT COMING.

Nope, because in the movie it's winter, and everyone was wearing sweaters. It just wasn't a Hottie kind of movie.

WE DID GET TO SEE TONI COLLETTE SLIDE HER HAND INTO A "STOCKING" THOUGH. *YOU CAN MAKE ANYTHING SOUND DIRTY WHEN YOU PUT QUOTES AROUND IT.

You'd better celebrate Christmas the right way, or a monster will show up at your house will a bunch of evil toys, and take you straight to hell. That's a pretty good lesson to learn.

YEAH, JUST STARE AT IT. THAT WILL MAKE IT NOT KILL YOU.

Krampus was a great Holiday Horror movie that entertained us from start to finish. It did feel as if they held back on some gore and violence so that the movie could appeal to a wider audience with its PG-13 rating, but hey, it works really well the way that it is, so no harm, no foul.

We can always hold out hope that there will be an Unrated Cut when it hits Blu-ray.

Bottom line, you should go and see Krampus, and support the Genre that you know and love. If it keeps drawing crowds, Trick 'r Treat 2 will almost be guaranteed to have a bigger budget, and see a wide theatrical release too. Now, doesn't that sound nice?

A-

Krampus is in theaters now.

Here are a few more pictures of Krampus, to whet you appetite a bit.