April 29, 2009

DVD Review: Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things (1972)

Meh, this one is nowhere near as good as I remember it being... 

In Attendance- Me, Eryn and VG.
Cast Members of Note- Alan Ormsby. Directed by all-time great Bob Clark.

Evil overlord and melodramatic theater boss, Alan, drags his inept thespian group to a deserted island to mock the Prince of Darkness, and constantly threaten their jobs. He's assisted by two overly-flaming gay guys, Roy and Emerson, who dress up as a vampire and a zombie to scare everyone, and show them that Alan is above them all.

Relax folks, they're married. It's completely natural.
For the next hour or so we get to listen to Alan talk down to people, marry a corpse, yell, self-pontificate, rant, rave and carry on like an odoriferous scalawag. The best part of it all is that for all of his condescending and lording, he doesn't realize he's wearing the worst pair of pants ever; they're like a multicolored, striped-Lycra portal to hell that you can't take your eyes off of... or stop laughing at.

Those pants are not groovy, nor are they far-out.
After an impromptu black magic ceremony, all hell breaks loose; I won't spoil any more of the movie for you here, but suffice it to say that the zombies only show up for about 20 minutes towards the end.

This movie is so dull that even the zombies fell asleep.
I remember this movie so fondly from my childhood; not only were scenes from the flick used along with a Led Zeppelin song to make up the creepy opening to the Saturday afternoon Creature Features show that I loved, but it also scared me to death. Looking at this film again now, I have no idea why. Once things actually get going, about an hour and ten minutes into the movie, they work fairly well for what they are. The zombies look cool, though they're pretty light on the blood.

I can say nothing better about this movie.

The terrifying 'Sitting' scene.
Watching this movie is like having someone beat the hell out of your for an hour and five minutes, and then turn around and take you for ice cream.

"Can we please just get our ice cream now?"
The late, great Bob Clark was a great director, giving us classic flicks like Black Christmas, Murder by Decree, Porky's I & II, and a movie that is an all-time classic in many people's hearts, A Christmas Story. I was also partial to Rhinestone too. He only hints at his genius here, which is sad, because this movie had so much potential; I guess that's why it's being remade.

Once things actually start to happen in this movie, we get some gore, but it's fairly tame by zombie flick standards.

if you stay to the right of this zombie, he'll never see you.
No, and with the quality of chicks on display in this movie, I'm fine with that.

"I peed in my pants!"

Not to play with dead things if you're a child. Also, everyone in the 70's deserved to die.

What is he, a clown?
I want to recommend this one, I really do, but most of it is so painful to watch that even the cool zombie-filled ending doesn't completely save it. Check it out if you love cheesy 70's Horror or zombie flicks, but other than that, you're not missing much.


Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things is available now on DVD.


The Supernatural episode of the same title was much better than this movie was.

April 27, 2009

The New Moon werewolves?

I know Twilight in no way counts as a horror flick, but I just had to... This pic surfaced recently, depicting the werewolf clan from the upcoming Twilight sequel, New Moon. As if the vampires in Twilight weren't lame enough, this is what's supposed to strike fear into the hearts of 11 year-old girls everywhere? Seriously, they look like Menudo, only more gay. I guess it caters to the Twilight demographic though, which is apparently gay Menudo fans. Or teenage girls. *and before anybody asks, no, I have no issue with gay people, not one bit; I just can't bring myself to accept that werewolves actually look like Venezuelan cabana boys.

April 26, 2009

Quick Review: The Caretaker (2008)

"A group of teenage boys out to give their girlfriends a good scare on Homecoming night, which also happens to be Halloween, head to an abandoned house in an out-of-the-way fruit orchard where they uncover the story of a real life urban legend."
Why do I always fall for the Straight-to-DVD garbage like this? I can live with small budgets and minimalism, as long as the movie has heart. I also don't mind lack of heart if the blood and gore is palpable, or the movie is exciting. Alas, nothing in this movie made any sense, the acting and story were equally awful, it wasn't exciting, and the gore was kept to an unimpressive minimum.

Those pumpkins tho...
  • Judd Nelson? What the hell happened to his career?
  • Jennifer Tilly is the best part of this movie, and even she's horrible.
  • "Your loss is my gain, muscle boy." What kind of dialogue is that?
  • How can a Teen Slasher flick have gratuitous amounts of boobage on display, and yet barely any blood?
  • What was with "Rapey" the limo driver? He was so skeevy I thought that I was gonna get raped.
  • The blond chick was hot.
  • What a horrible, HORRIBLE ending.

Pumpkins, I say!
For a movie that claimed "The teen slasher film is back!" about itself, this is one really lame teen slasher. After seeing The Caretaker, I felt as if I needed someone to take care of me, and not in a good way. Avoid this one unless you like really bad movies.

Not even attractive ladies and quality nudity could save this movie...

Quick Review: The Poker Club (2008)

"Four friends discover and accidentally kill a burglar -- who may not be alone -- in the kitchen during their weekly poker night."
Yay, this is another one of those "Oh shit, someone died accidentally, but instead of calling the Cops, we should dump the body somewhere and pretend it never happened" flicks! This plot setup is just about as tired as the "A couple/group of friends head into the woods for a weekend vacation and encounter mongoloid locals/unspeakable evil/unspeakable mongoloid evil" bit. I can deal with either of those plot lines, if the movie is done well, which this one just isn't.
I'm pretty sure the script is printed on those cards.
Predictable, bland, and filled with wild twists that no one cares about, The Poker Club is Sci-Fi Channel material at best.

Wipe her chin all you want, it won't make her forget this movie.
Bad movie, beautiful girls.

Quick Review: Frayed (2009)

"A small town sheriff's worst nightmare comes true when his homicidal son escapes from a psychiatric hospital. An intense manhunt ensues as the dark secret behind the son's evil past becomes revealed."

The "random customer reviewers" over on IMDB compared this shit-brick to Halloween and High Tension, which is complete bullshit. I was almost going to review this one normally, you know, and give it a chance, but the ending just killed every bit of my good will for this movie.

I tried. I really did.

He's really the victim.
Is this movie about a security guard being chased through the woods? What a shit twist. Oh wait, a twist after the twist? It's not a twist, just something they don't tell the audience but the characters know? Molested by a fucking clown? Dad? Unbelievable.

Sorry ladies, but this movie just didn't work for us. We thank you for trying though.

Quick Review: The Seduction of Dr. Fugazzi (2009)

"Dr. Anna Fugazzi seems to have the perfect life, but her deepest, darkest secret is beginning to resurface and only Detective Rowland can bring her back from the edge."

Whoever told October Kingsley that she could act/write/direct/produce lied to her. Her bio on IMDB states: "She has been rated as one of Hollywood's top emerging film producers and actresses" which makes me wonder who writes the bios on IMDB. After reading that flat out lie of a blurb, I'm guessing that they let the talennt do it themselves, because that's the only way it makes sense.
Just stop.
  • Whatever blackmail material the producers of this film have on Faye Dunaway to get her to star in this horrid mess must be some powerful stuff; like her making snuff films with orphans or something.
  • Do you really need an AK-47 to kill a chicken?
  • October Kingsley is a horrible actress. She should also never be let near a pen or camera again either. Also, where are her eyebrows?
  • Troma is capable of WAY better than this.

This movie is about as engaging as the average late night Cinemax skin flick; except that it's worse in just about every way.