April 15, 2009

Review: The Tribe (2009)

Cast Members of Note- Jewel Staite, and some kid from Twilight. That's about it.

A bunch of kids and a fat guy go sailing, drink, get involved in a crazy dance-off/montage, argue, drink, accuse each other of all sorts of things, drink, and then crash the boat. That's about the first 30 minutes of the movie; no plot, no Horror save for the "set up" scene before the credits, and no nudity. They could have at least given us that.

We want boobs, not moobs!
They wash up on the shore of some uncharted tropical Island inhabited by some sort of angry ape/wolf-people that look like lame versions of the Uruk-Hai from Lord of the Rings; I'm pretty sure that they have the Hand of Sauron marked on their faces. In addition to that, they sound and move like The Predator too.

Grr. Grrrrrrr! (I don't know how to type the noise that The Predator makes, so Grr it is.)
When one of them is pulled into the jungle by "The Tribe", everyone else has no choice but to follow the plot device. I won't spoil what comes next, but suffice it to say that another "one chick is left and she turns into a Rambo-like survivalist" plot twists ensue.

Oh look, you've found your inner strength. How original.
Jewel Staite was pretty good in this, and she's about the only one in the cast that is. Then again, she's always really likable. It's not really the cast's fault though, as the movie doesn't go anywhere or give them much to work with script-wise. It all feels too familiar and uninspired, especially with the creature concept and design; half Predator/half Uruk-Hai... you can't tell me that there's anything about them that's fresh or original.

We know you tried your best.
I can see why this movie was shot in 2006 and is just being released now; characters that refuse to act intelligently, predictable story elements, the awkward fat guy running through the jungle shooting randomly up into the trees... that's the kind of shit that makes me cringe.

So the monsters know how to crump?
This movie is like The Exorcist: The Beginning fiasco all over again. The original was shot, scrapped because the film company thought it sucked, then re-shot with new script and cast. Both versions are coming to DVD in 2009. I'll tell you what: if the other version isn't drastically better than this one, they can keep it.

A little bit of gore here and there, but nothing spectacular.

It's just a scratch.
Nope, we got gypped (no offense to any gypsies that may read this.)

You couldn't do that shirtless?
"Were not going to die, just trust me." It's all a lie, btw.

Not much at all.

Sorry, Jewel. We love you, but this movie was bunk.
This movie is pretty uninspiring. From the acting to the story, none of it is very good, and it certainly isn't fresh or exciting. I'd say that I hope the other version of this movie coming out this year will be better, but I really just don't care.


Jewel Staite and Nikki Griffin were the part of this movie...


  1. Yeah because, you know what, all we need is more thin people in movies. I for one would like to see some more average-looking people in a few flicks. And nudity does not a horror film make.

    - Zac

  2. You're right;nudity doesn't make a horror flick, but in most cases it's as much a part of the beast as the blood & gore is.

    I agree that the cookie-cutter looking people are all that they seem to use these days in horror, and it gets really old.

    If anyone is "average looking" or even fat, it's usually a dumb ass character or the killer.

    You have to love society. :)