Netflix Review: The Ritual (2018)

"Netflix hits gold with its latest Horror acquisition."

Sure, The Ritual feels more than a little bit like a British spin on The Blair Witch, what with the weird symbols and figures all over the place, but that would hardly be a fair comparison. Yes, it's set in the woods, and sure there's an entity of some sort stalking a group of nature lovers to their deaths, but it's truly got its own thing going on.

Director David Bruckner -who gave us one of the better Horror Anthologies in recent years, Southbound (review HERE)-  has hit a new high with this one, which we think is his best film to date.

*Mild monster spoilers ensue below.

After their mate Rob is murdered in a tragic chip shop robbery, four blokes decide to go for a hike in Sweden to honor his memory. One of the lads, Luke, was with Rob during the robbery, but he bitched out and hid while the robbers confronted and murdered him, so he is naturally carrying around a lot of guilt.

THEY COULDN'T HAVE BUILT HIM A SHRINE IN ENGLAND? WHERE IT'S MUCH SAFER?

When one of the guys falls and hurts his knee, the group decides to take a shortcut through a nearby forest to reach their destination, because as if a nature hike doesn't sound like a shitty enough vacation for four 40-year-old guys to take together, a quick jaunt into the isolated forest makes even more sense.

NOPE.

Of course, there's danger in them thar woods, and it comes in the form of a massive creature that is hungry for human blood. It also likes messing with their dreams, because it's apparently a vengeful god of some sort,

ALL HAIL SNIVENGUTENGORTEN, GOD OF HEADLESS STRAW FIGURES!

The Ritual is Backwoods Horror done right. In most films of this kind, we get a gang of dumb-ass characters making stupid decisions which see them trapped in some remote place, looking a sure death right in the face. Most of those characters tend to annoy too, which makes it worse. In The Ritual though, not only do the filmmakers do a great job of turning the Swedish countryside from stunningly gorgeous to dark and forbidding with ease, but the cast is top-notch, and the situation that they get themselves into is believable one.

The Norse mythology is thick in this one, with the Jōtunn being a giant, godlike creature, who is said to be a child of Loki by its worshippers, although they dare not speak its name; as well as the hanging aspect of things screaming Odin. That whole aesthetic was a really great touch that made what could have been a run-of-the-mill backwoods Horror story into something different, and dare I say, special.

It's a moody piece that emotes waves of quiet dread in a very effective way. This could have been just another B-grade Horror flick, but director David Bruckner and his cast made it into something more.

YES, YOU SHOULD TURN BACK NOW.

The ending threw us a bit. It's a straight-forward ending, and it wraps the story of one character up nicely, but I personally wanted a bit more of a prelude to chew on. Not the biggest issue, but it just felt abrupt.

APPARENTLY RURAL SWEDEN HAS NOT GOTTEN WIND OF THE #METOO MOVEMENT QUITE YET.

We've said it so many times over the years, that we figured everyone would have learned by now: Stay out of the damn woods, especially when you're in a foreign country. You don't know whats in those woods. Killers, demons, angry reindeer... just stay on the main path, avoid shortcuts, and you will survive your journey!

MAIN PATH, GENTLEMEN!

The violence and gore in this one is timely and effective, but not overly-plentiful.

THAT'S A BIG DOG.

Well, there is some naked man flesh on display, but it's not mean to be sexy.

YOU'RE GROWN MEN. ENOUGH WITH THE SELFIES!

The cast is solid, the location (which the cinematography brings to eerie life) is suitably terrifying, and the monster that lurks in the woods is a unique one. The Ritual is a very solid film that really deserved a theatrical run, and at the very least, deserves to have everyone who loves Horror check it out on Netflix.

A

The Ritual is streaming on Netflix now.

This movie is mainly populated by men, but there is some femininity to be found.

Blu-ray Review: Evils of the Night (1985)

"If the tag-line "Full of sex, lasers, synth-pop, feathered hair, bikinis and axe wounds..." doesn't make you want to see this movie, then run away and do not look back."

A bunch of old-ass space vampires need the blood of the young to survive and remain immortal, so they head to Skank Bang Beach to capture and drain some local whores and their dimwit boyfriends of their life essence.

AH, SUMMERTIME.

The sex-starved teens (who look like they're in their 30's), party, swim, lay in the sun, have sex, and are kidnapped by two 90-year-old mechanics who deliver them to the space vampires in a hospital, who are equipped with rings that shoot weak laser rays, just in case their victims try to escape.

There's really all there is to the plot. Honestly, I probably overstated things a bit.

HE'S 120-YEARS-OLD, YOU CAN TAKE HIM!

Make no mistake, Evils of the Night is a bad movie. It's full of hot naked chicks, has tons of sex, and is amusing with its silly plot and even sillier acting, but if you don't like bad movies, then this one will pain you to watch.

It would make for one hell of an MST3K episode, though.

With classic names like Aldo Ray, Neville Brand, Horror legend John Carradine, Julie Newmar (the original Catwoman), and Tina Louise (Ginger from Gilligan's Island) in the cast, you'd figure that this movie was going to be something above b-grade, but no, they were just looking for a paycheck.

That's alright though, because their presence, along with the absurdity of the plot, acting, special effects, and gratuitous sex and nudity, make for one crazy, mixed-up, throwback of a good time.

IF YOU HAD A PENIS IN THE 80'S YOU KNEW WHO AMBER LYNN WAS.

Did anyone else notice that the Blu-ray art/poster shows the Millennium Falcon shooting through space? How Lucasfilm let that one slip by, is a mystery to me. And who did the producers of this movie think they were fooling to begin with?

Also, the "Features some of the most gruesome special effects ever put to film" line that I've seen used in reference to this movie is a straight-up lie. This movie is mostly blood-free, and if anyone says any different, you shouldn't trust the words that come out of their mouths.

THAT FEATHERED HAIR LOL.

Why did so many classic actors and actresses take such shitty roles in shitty movies during the 80's? Don't get me wrong, I'd take the easy paycheck too if I were them, but damn, you've really got to be broke to show up in a clunker like this. Worst of all is that they're all really trying to act in this one. Like giving a genuine effort.

They deserved better.

WHO THAT GUY IN THE MIDDLE IS, WE HAVE NO CLUE.

As cute as G.T. Taylor (who played Connie) was, how is it that she never starred in another movie besides this one? Sure, maybe she went onto something better in her life, but she was so 80's hot that it makes us sad that she went away.

SHE HAD SUCH POTENTIAL...

For a B-grade Horror flick from the 80's that shamelessly went the exploitation route, you'd figure that there would be plenty of gore and violence to be had here, but no. Although and axe and a drill provide some gore, this is a tame movie on that front.

BEHOLD, THE VIOLENCE!

I'm pretty sure that this movie was originally supposed to be some sort of softcore porn flick, because the first 20-minutes of this one is nothing but sex and nudity. Even 80's porn superstars Amber Lynn and Jerry Butler show up to get it on.

THIS IS WHAT GOOD FRIENDS DO ON A PUBLIC BEACH.

If you like bad movies, cheesy retro Horror, naked chicks, or Aldo Ray, then this is one disc that you need to own.The movie sucks, but it's definitely one to watch with a few cold beers when you're in the mood for some retro laughs.

Evils of the Night is available on Blu-ray, DVD and VOD now.

This movie is full of Retro Hotties, chief amongst them, the insatiable Amber Lynn.

Picturebook Review: Crazy Lake (2017)

"A B-grade Slasher flick, through and through."

Slasher flicks are a mixed bag. We tend to watch them when we need a quick fix of mindless, exploitative fun, because many of them offer people in various stages of undress behaving badly, and those very same people getting killed off in gruesome ways. 

Most Slasher flicks these days tend to be low-budget; the characters that populate them tend to be unlikable and disposable (save for maybe a cool Final Girl and one decent guy); and they don't often break into original territory... which is pretty much the case here.

As a cheap, fun, 90-minute distraction though, Crazy Lake did the job.

Aside from "A group of twenty-somethings head into the woods to part, and are picked off one by one by a mongoloid maniac", the plot matters little here. What really matters is pictured below.

Crazy Lake breaks absolutely no new ground as far as Slasher flicks go, but it does give us a steady parade of naked and scantily clad women and some messy kills, and it does so pretty well. It was fun enough to be worth a look if you dig cheapo Slashers with plenty of boobs and blood.  

If this is your type of flick, you already know it.

Crazy Lake is available on VOD now.

Sexy Lake.