VOD Review: The Lure (2017)

"It ain't easy being a teenage mermaid."

Mermaids have long been a terrifying concept. Beautiful half-fish/half-woman creatures who sing their gorgeous songs to lonely sailors in an effort to see their ships crash into rocks, or eat them. Presumably both. That is the stuff of dark legend.

A movie like The Lure mixing that already terrifying legend with the equally terrifying legend of the whims of the teenage girl sounds like double the carnage to us. Add in some poppy, Polish new wave music, and you have a movie that is every bit as captivating as the most lyrical siren song.

But damn is it weird.

A band called the Figs n' Dates is relaxing on a beach, playing some music and just enjoying whatever the hell there is to enjoy in 1980's Poland, when two mermaids pop out of the water and captivate their hearts and minds. The mermaid sisters, Silver and Golden, decide to join the band instead of eating them, which given the music, is kind of a bummer. So they all head to a gaudy strip club in Warsaw to make music together, and get naked.

APPARENTLY, THE AGE OF CONSENT FOR MERMAIDS IN POLAND IS 12.

Silver is the sweet mermaid sister. She longs to live a more human life filled with sex, cigarettes, and love. Golden is the bad girl, who just wants to rip people's throats out, devour them, and return to the sea. She also likes sex and cigarettes too, but it's 1980's Warsaw, so that's to be expected.

AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE A WARSAW PARTY.

The sisters become so popular that they start their own band called The Lure, and even though they're loved by their fans, the whole eating people vs. finding love thing causes a rift between them. Needless to say that people get eaten, tails get fingered, and we're pretty sure that the filmmakers slipped us acid right before we watched this one.

Musical numbers, nudity, and mermaid violence ensues.

THE FINAL BOW.

Every so often, a movie comes along that just confounds the ever loving shit out of us, and The Lure is exactly that kind of movie.

It's a Horror movie, about a pair of mermaid sisters who decide to come ashore to feed on human flesh. It's also a musical that offers some surreal and weird numbers that are oddly hypnotic. It's also a coming-of-age film that showcases both the delicate nature and voracious cruelty that is the teenage girl.

It's bold and it's very out there with its visuals, storytelling, and the way that its musical numbers play out, but at the same time it's a bit of a tonal mess. And it's frustrating to watch at times, like a train that stops and starts over and over again, blaring loud, cheesy music and dropping balloons and confetti on its passengers each time it stops.

The mermaids also look cool and realistic, and the actresses playing them get the whole angsty/emotionally vulnerable thing right on.

SHE ABOUT TO GET EATEN.

The mermaids feed, and humans bleed.

AND SHE'S THE SWEET ONE...

Lots of nudity in this one, including naked teenage mermaids, mermaid vaginas, an inter-species lesbian scene, and a WTF-like breastfeeding scene.

It's... different.

LOOK, BUT DO NOT TOUCH!

I have to admit that as odd as it was to watch this Horror Musical at times, that some of the music was pretty damned good. Don't ask me to tell you what the songs were, because they're in Polish, but the heavy metal number along with the one where the girls are dressed up like Diane Lane in The Fabulous Stains were the standouts.

THAT RETRO, NEW WAVE LOOK THO...

Is The Lure a good movie, or is it a tedious exercise in oddity and shock? Well, that depends on how much you appreciate truly bizarre movies with an exploitational bent. Good or not, I have to say that it's a mesmerizing movie, and one that hits the right notes more often than not, even if we have no clue what in the hell the overall song is supposed to be about.

It's worth watching, if you like the weird turned up to 11.

B+

The Lure is available now on VOD, and it hits Blu-ray & DVD on October 10th.

We've fallen under the spell of Michalina Olszanska's siren song. Mermaid song. Whatever.

VOD Review: Stage Fright (2014)

In the interest of full disclosure, we are not big fans of  Musicals. We tried to get into Glee, we've seen old movies like West Side Story and the like, but it's just not our thing.

As far as Horror Musicals go, we did like Sweeney Todd more than we thought we might, and Phantom of the Paradise has always been a guilty pleasure of ours, but the Repo: The Genetic Opera's and Rocky Horror's of the world do nothing for us.

We've got nothing good to say about Don't Go in the Woods (2010) at all.

All of that is to say that as much as we do not like musicals, the trailer for Stage Fright had us excited from the get go. It looked different and bloody, and we've been looking forward to seeing what Meatloaf could bring to a Horror-hybrid like this, because that guy is just cool. Always has been.

For us, the results were mixed; some of it worked, and some of it didn't. At the very least, it was a different type of Slasher flick experience, and for that, we're genuinely grateful.

When Broadway star Minnie Driver is savagely murdered after the performance of her lifetime, Meatloaf takes her oprhaned kids in, vowing to look after them. *That's never really stated, but it was heavily implied due to the fact that they work for him in the kitchen of his Musical Theater Camp as adults.

She had such flair. R.I.P.

Camilla has always wanted to follow in her mother's footsteps and have a singing career of her own, but she's just never gotten her big break. Also, she's probably hesitant to take the stage due to her mom getting stabbed to death after dong the exact same thing, so, she has her reasons.

Awww, she's nervous.

Camilla has quite a set of lungs on her, and she's also a hell of a singer to boot. When auditions begin for Haunting of the Opera (the same play which killed her mother), she decides to throw caution to the wind, and take her shot at stardom. Problem is, there's a Kabuki Mask-wearing maniac who is determined to stop the production, and so he begins killing people to a fairly cool heavy metal guitar soundtrack.

What is he gently whispering into her ear? Something creepy.

Will Camilla become a star? Will she fall victim to the Opera Maniac that is killing her fellow cast mates? Does the song "We're gay, we're gay!" have a deeper social meaning? Far be it from us to spoil anything here, but suffice it to say that this episode of Glee will definitely make everything clear by the time it's all over with.

Even the killer has flair!

We can at least give Writer/Director Jerome Sable credit for having a vision, and seeing it through. Stage Fright didn't really grab us like we thought it would, but it was entertaining enough to make us want to see it through to the end, despite its flaws. We may not have loved it to death, but this is a movie that is destined to become a Cult Classic for all types of movie lovers.

She never was the smartest thing..

We really liked the gore gags in this one (especially Minnie Driver's demise), but after that first kill, it took nearly 30 minutes until the next one came. After that, it was about another 20 minutes until the next one. The movie's Horror aspects were definitely spaced out a bit too much, which made its pacing feel off. Then again, this was more of a Musical with Horror elements, so it could just be a case of our expectations being off too.

Hello, girls.

Allie MacDonald was good in her role as the tortured Camilla. She can definitely carry a Horror movie, and we're looking forward to seeing her in more Genre fare soon. Minnie Driver was only in the movie for a few minutes, and we wished we had gotten more of her. She's fun. Meatloaf, on the other hand, was in this one plenty, which is cool with us because he's equally fun. Everyone was fun in this one!

"Take a bow, darling, you're alive!"

The Musical numbers really felt out of place for the most part; sometimes they felt short, sometimes they felt over-long, and for the most part, they just seemed to pop up randomly, just for the sake of doing so. Towards the ends of the movie, they just kinda stopped altogether (although you could say that the stage play scene counted as one long musical number.)

Then again, it always feels odd to us when people spontaneously break into song while going about their daily business, so again, it's probably just us.

Overall, this was a decent little movie that could have been great had they either evened out the musical aspect of things, or just done away with it altogether.

"Did, did we just sing our conversation?"

While the Glee fans of the world will no doubt get a kick out of Stage Fright's song and dance numbers, we found them to be distracting; that's definitely a personal preference type of thing for us. As far as the Horror aspects of the movie go, Stage Fright is a serviceable slasher that would have benefited from a bit more stalk & slash.

We didn't love it, but we didn't hate it; it was definitely a middle-of-the-road affair for us. It was still worth a watch though.

Stage Fright is available now on VOD, and will hit Theaters in Limited Release on May 9th.

C

The ladies of Stage Fright looked exquisite as they sang their tails off. *Not literally, of course, because that would make no sense whatsoever, on a few different levels.

DVD Review: Suck (2010)

"Stylish and fun, Suck does not suck at all... although is does fall a bit short of rockin' good time..."

Cast Members of Note- Jessica Pare, Malcolm McDowell, Nicole De Boer, Dave Foley, Iggy Pop, Alice Cooper, Henry Rollins, and Moby.

A lame Canadian rock band called The Winners -yes, that's actually their name- just can't seem to find a break in the music biz. Their songs are lame, they look lame, they're kinda geeky... and their only saving grace is the hot-ass bass player, Jennifer. That's why it's called Suck, because the band really sucks. Except for her. Also, it might be a subtle allusion to oral sex.

Suck, indeed.

Luckily for the band, Jennifer is a total whore and takes off one night with a feminine-looking guy, with hopes of getting filled out like a job application, only to be turned into a Vampire. I guess that's the price you pay in Canada for being slutty. She comes back to the band even hotter than before, but far too pale and desperately hungry for human blood. That's why it's called Suck, because that's how Vampires eat.

She's a messy eater.

As Jennifer turns each band member into a Vampire, they become more and more popular, eventually garnering themselves a record deal. Of course the price for their new found fame is leaving a trail of bodies along their tour route, which no one even seems to notice, so, moot point. The band even kills a DJ on air an no one says a word... which makes no sense, because their music still sucks, so why let them get away with murder? Why am I even asking about this? It's in the script. That's why it's called Suck, because the script kinda does.

Oh Henry, you so crazy!

From here on out it turns into a typical "Van Helsing descendant shows up to save the day" kind of flick. Yeah. Can the band kill the master Vampire, and escape their new found curse? Can Iggy Pop talk sense into Joey, the whiny lead singer? Will their music ever stop sucking? I don't know about any of that, but Alice Cooper looks pretty fucking awesome with black wings.

Cooper is God! Well, one of them anyway.

Suck is a fun movie. It could have been great, a Cult Classic even, but its lack of action and jumbled feel made it fall a bit short in the end. Some will still call it a Cult Classic, I'm sure, and I can see why they would, but Cult Classic is a heavy moniker to put on something that doesn't really live up to that kind of hype.

Suck is pretty sharp and interesting visually, although it never maintains the sharpness for too long, instead reverting to some cheesy camera editing tricks to add to the "creativity." We were fond of the use of color and tone, but not so fond of the whole bobble head/accelerated movement thing.

The cast is awesome, from Dave Foley to Malcolm McDowell, and Rock Gods Iggy Pop, Henry Rollins, Alice Copper... and Moby? I've never been a huge Moby fan, but I have to admit that he was pretty funny in this movie. If nothing else, it was fun to see the Rock Royalty acting all crazy throughout this one.

Tom Cruise?

Nothing really happened. I mean, there was a lot of singing, some good funny bits, some blood here and there, but the plot really didn't go anywhere. There is a plot, and it moves forward, but it doesn't ever seem to accomplish anything. It just felt flat and uneventful. Maybe it was because it never decided if it was more Comedy, Horror, or a Quirky Indie? Confused, we were.

Was it rape?

The super fast vibrating movement thing. Why do so many filmmakers feel the need to use that trick, amongst others, in their movies these days? This film was visually interesting enough and was more than a bit ruined for us by the more-than-occasional vibrating head or stuttered/quick-stop motion movement.

The whole "dark aura" thing worked pretty well though.

There is some blood and gore to be had here, though it's all given to us in a fairly tongue in cheek manner. Still, it's there.

This is the funniest guy in the movie.

Though the sexy Jessica Pare has been naked on film before, no such luck here. For shame. Same goes for the pixie-like Nicole De Boer. Methinks Canadian Filmmakers play it too safe!

ME-OW!

Canadian rock bands kinda suck. Not you though, Glass Tiger. We still haven't forgotten you, so long after you've been gone. Also, Alice Cooper is awesome. Ditto Henry Rollins and Iggy Pop.

Ditto Jessica Pare.

Suck didn't suck at all, and in many ways was an enjoyable (if flawed) viewing experience. The movie is definitely played for laughs more so than it is Horror, and it even delves into musical territory every so often, which wasn't all that painful to sit through... mostly. Stylish, fun, and amusing, Suck is definitely one to check out if you like your Horror a bit on the quirky side.

C+

Suck is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

Jessica Pare makes for a really sexy Vampire... next time though, be naked.