Blu-ray Review: Evils of the Night (1985)

"If the tag-line "Full of sex, lasers, synth-pop, feathered hair, bikinis and axe wounds..." doesn't make you want to see this movie, then run away and do not look back."

A bunch of old-ass space vampires need the blood of the young to survive and remain immortal, so they head to Skank Bang Beach to capture and drain some local whores and their dimwit boyfriends of their life essence.

AH, SUMMERTIME.

The sex-starved teens (who look like they're in their 30's), party, swim, lay in the sun, have sex, and are kidnapped by two 90-year-old mechanics who deliver them to the space vampires in a hospital, who are equipped with rings that shoot weak laser rays, just in case their victims try to escape.

There's really all there is to the plot. Honestly, I probably overstated things a bit.

HE'S 120-YEARS-OLD, YOU CAN TAKE HIM!

Make no mistake, Evils of the Night is a bad movie. It's full of hot naked chicks, has tons of sex, and is amusing with its silly plot and even sillier acting, but if you don't like bad movies, then this one will pain you to watch.

It would make for one hell of an MST3K episode, though.

With classic names like Aldo Ray, Neville Brand, Horror legend John Carradine, Julie Newmar (the original Catwoman), and Tina Louise (Ginger from Gilligan's Island) in the cast, you'd figure that this movie was going to be something above b-grade, but no, they were just looking for a paycheck.

That's alright though, because their presence, along with the absurdity of the plot, acting, special effects, and gratuitous sex and nudity, make for one crazy, mixed-up, throwback of a good time.

IF YOU HAD A PENIS IN THE 80'S YOU KNEW WHO AMBER LYNN WAS.

Did anyone else notice that the Blu-ray art/poster shows the Millennium Falcon shooting through space? How Lucasfilm let that one slip by, is a mystery to me. And who did the producers of this movie think they were fooling to begin with?

Also, the "Features some of the most gruesome special effects ever put to film" line that I've seen used in reference to this movie is a straight-up lie. This movie is mostly blood-free, and if anyone says any different, you shouldn't trust the words that come out of their mouths.

THAT FEATHERED HAIR LOL.

Why did so many classic actors and actresses take such shitty roles in shitty movies during the 80's? Don't get me wrong, I'd take the easy paycheck too if I were them, but damn, you've really got to be broke to show up in a clunker like this. Worst of all is that they're all really trying to act in this one. Like giving a genuine effort.

They deserved better.

WHO THAT GUY IN THE MIDDLE IS, WE HAVE NO CLUE.

As cute as G.T. Taylor (who played Connie) was, how is it that she never starred in another movie besides this one? Sure, maybe she went onto something better in her life, but she was so 80's hot that it makes us sad that she went away.

SHE HAD SUCH POTENTIAL...

For a B-grade Horror flick from the 80's that shamelessly went the exploitation route, you'd figure that there would be plenty of gore and violence to be had here, but no. Although and axe and a drill provide some gore, this is a tame movie on that front.

BEHOLD, THE VIOLENCE!

I'm pretty sure that this movie was originally supposed to be some sort of softcore porn flick, because the first 20-minutes of this one is nothing but sex and nudity. Even 80's porn superstars Amber Lynn and Jerry Butler show up to get it on.

THIS IS WHAT GOOD FRIENDS DO ON A PUBLIC BEACH.

If you like bad movies, cheesy retro Horror, naked chicks, or Aldo Ray, then this is one disc that you need to own.The movie sucks, but it's definitely one to watch with a few cold beers when you're in the mood for some retro laughs.

Evils of the Night is available on Blu-ray, DVD and VOD now.

This movie is full of Retro Hotties, chief amongst them, the insatiable Amber Lynn.

VOD Review: Don't Fuck in the Woods (2017)

"One of the best movie titles of all time."

This isn't really a review, per se, but there was no way that we could let a movie with a title like Don't Fuck in the Woods pass us by without at least saying a few words about it.

I mean, if that title doesn't make you laugh, or at least give a sensible chuckle, then you might be dead inside. *Or you might just have class, which is something that we know nothing of.

Don't Fuck in the Woods is a backwoods monster movie of the Indie persuasion. Shot on an estimated budget of $10k, it doesn't offer much in the way of production value, but it's easy to see that it's a labor of love for filmmaker Shawn Burkett, and for fans of cheap, B-grade Horror flicks that offer plenty of T&A and cheesy gore gags, it's one that will surely please.

It doesn't have much of a plot aside from "A bunch of kids head into the woods to party..." but that's ok, because the fact that the monster in the woods is attracted to the smell of sex should clue you into the fact that this is a movie that doesn't take itself seriously at all.

It exists to showcase some cheesy, exploitative fun, and in that, it succeeds wildly... depending on your taste, of course.

If bloodshed, nudity, and a rubber-suited monster sound like the makings of a good Horror flick to you, then Don't Fuck in the Woods is one that you should seek out.

We just really love the title. And Nadia White.

You can order a copy of the Blu-ray or DVD, HERE, or rent it on Vimeo On Demand, HERE.

We're pretty sure that most of these girls have fucked in the woods at some point, and we applaud them for it.

Blu-ray Review: We Are the Flesh (2017)

"What in the Hell Just Happened?"

I'm honestly not sure how to even discuss this movie.

We Are the Flesh isn't a movie that you can really review in a traditional way, as it's not even really a traditional movie; it plays more like a surreal, abstract fever dream that offers equal doses of social commentary and exploitation. People are going to take away different things after watching it, and they're going to love it and hate it in equal measure.

I recently watched a German flick called Wetlands (it's on Netflix, if you're interested), and I was shocked at how fucked up and graphic it was. Well, We Are the Flesh may have just upped the ante in the WTF Sub-Genre.

The world has ended, becoming a filthy barrio in which people scrounge to survive. Mariano is an old, creepy man who spends his time in an abandoned building, making LSD out of chicken and banging a drum, so he's making the most out of the apocalypse. He's just lonely is all.

EL DIABLO?

A brother and sister (Lucio and Fauna) find their way into his makeshift home, where they seek shelter from the world outside. Mariano greets them with insane rantings, eggs, and poisoned meat. He also jerks off as the sister gives her bro a blowie, which leads to them doing some hardcore incestuous aardvarking, which leads the old man to dropping dead as he delivers the money shot, which leads Fauna to mount his dead corpse and ride him to orgasm, because she really misses him after only knowing him for a few days. Then she pees in the hallway.

And from there, things get even crazier and weird, to the point where I'm not sure what even happened.

It sure was something to see though.

KIDS TODAY!

This is a really weird movie.

We get a crazy old man who seems to be some sort of Post-Apocalyptic messiah, making drugs from chicken parts and chemicals; banging a snare drum like a maniac; and forcing a brother and sister to do all sorts of deplorable things while preaching all kinds of insane mumbo jumbo about the evils of society and the pleasures of the flesh, the pinnacle of which has to be the scene where he jerks off while watching the two of them have sex.

I'm pretty sure that the character exists to provide, we, the audience, with some scathing commentary about the social injustices of modern day life in Mexico.

IT'S A VISUALLY BOLD MOVIE.

The sister, played by the beautiful and very brave Maria Evoli, swallows her brother's pork sword in full, graphic view; stands above him and drips menstrual blood on his mouth; pees on the floor while chanting; forces a girl into having the creepiest threesome ever with she and her brother; and has sex with a corpse.

I'm pretty sure that her character was meant to show how easily young people are lead astray, or maybe how they have no morals and are destroying themselves with excess or something.

ARE THERE NO BATHROOMS IN MEXICO?

The bottom line is that this movie is surreal, sexually graphic, odd, nonsensical, disturbing on many levels, and possibly even brilliant. Then again, it may be self-indulgent trash. Either way, it's like nothing we've seen before, and anyone who watches it is bound to have a strong opinion on the matter.

And the ending -and I mean the very end, after the homeless gang bang (that's called a Soup Kitchen here in the U.S.)- well it puts a whole new spin on the entire thing.

LUCIO GENTLY WEEPS INSIDE OF THE GIGANTIC NEON VAGINA

Lots of blood in this one, including, but not limited to: throat slitting, cannibalism, and a severed head.

EASY, CONYO, YOU'RE ABOUT TO SERVE THE GREATER GOOD.

Everyone in this movie got naked, and they show everything in full graphic detail, including close-ups of private parts, oral sex, masturbation, lesbian sex, group sex, necrophilia,incest, and even a gang-bang.

FAMILIA POR SIEMPRE.

We Are the Flesh is either the most pretentious excuse to cram a movie full of gratuitous sex and violence ever, or it may be a work of genius that deconstructs the current state of Mexican society in a wildly visceral way, and I honestly don't know which one it is.

This is a stark and graphic movie, and it was interesting to see something so shocking and artistic, I just don't know if it was much else other than shocking. It sure hasn't left my mind in two days though, so that's saying something. I guess our middle-of-the-road grade directly reflects our indecision. 

If you like messed up, graphic movies that "go there," then this might be the best Blu-ray you've ever come across. We give it a

Maybe don't bring it to family movie night though.

C

We Are the Flesh is available now on Blu-ray and DVD.

Maria Evoli is as brave as she is beautiful.