VOD Review: The Lure (2017)

"It ain't easy being a teenage mermaid."

Mermaids have long been a terrifying concept. Beautiful half-fish/half-woman creatures who sing their gorgeous songs to lonely sailors in an effort to see their ships crash into rocks, or eat them. Presumably both. That is the stuff of dark legend.

A movie like The Lure mixing that already terrifying legend with the equally terrifying legend of the whims of the teenage girl sounds like double the carnage to us. Add in some poppy, Polish new wave music, and you have a movie that is every bit as captivating as the most lyrical siren song.

But damn is it weird.

A band called the Figs n' Dates is relaxing on a beach, playing some music and just enjoying whatever the hell there is to enjoy in 1980's Poland, when two mermaids pop out of the water and captivate their hearts and minds. The mermaid sisters, Silver and Golden, decide to join the band instead of eating them, which given the music, is kind of a bummer. So they all head to a gaudy strip club in Warsaw to make music together, and get naked.

APPARENTLY, THE AGE OF CONSENT FOR MERMAIDS IN POLAND IS 12.

Silver is the sweet mermaid sister. She longs to live a more human life filled with sex, cigarettes, and love. Golden is the bad girl, who just wants to rip people's throats out, devour them, and return to the sea. She also likes sex and cigarettes too, but it's 1980's Warsaw, so that's to be expected.

AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE A WARSAW PARTY.

The sisters become so popular that they start their own band called The Lure, and even though they're loved by their fans, the whole eating people vs. finding love thing causes a rift between them. Needless to say that people get eaten, tails get fingered, and we're pretty sure that the filmmakers slipped us acid right before we watched this one.

Musical numbers, nudity, and mermaid violence ensues.

THE FINAL BOW.

Every so often, a movie comes along that just confounds the ever loving shit out of us, and The Lure is exactly that kind of movie.

It's a Horror movie, about a pair of mermaid sisters who decide to come ashore to feed on human flesh. It's also a musical that offers some surreal and weird numbers that are oddly hypnotic. It's also a coming-of-age film that showcases both the delicate nature and voracious cruelty that is the teenage girl.

It's bold and it's very out there with its visuals, storytelling, and the way that its musical numbers play out, but at the same time it's a bit of a tonal mess. And it's frustrating to watch at times, like a train that stops and starts over and over again, blaring loud, cheesy music and dropping balloons and confetti on its passengers each time it stops.

The mermaids also look cool and realistic, and the actresses playing them get the whole angsty/emotionally vulnerable thing right on.

SHE ABOUT TO GET EATEN.

The mermaids feed, and humans bleed.

AND SHE'S THE SWEET ONE...

Lots of nudity in this one, including naked teenage mermaids, mermaid vaginas, an inter-species lesbian scene, and a WTF-like breastfeeding scene.

It's... different.

LOOK, BUT DO NOT TOUCH!

I have to admit that as odd as it was to watch this Horror Musical at times, that some of the music was pretty damned good. Don't ask me to tell you what the songs were, because they're in Polish, but the heavy metal number along with the one where the girls are dressed up like Diane Lane in The Fabulous Stains were the standouts.

THAT RETRO, NEW WAVE LOOK THO...

Is The Lure a good movie, or is it a tedious exercise in oddity and shock? Well, that depends on how much you appreciate truly bizarre movies with an exploitational bent. Good or not, I have to say that it's a mesmerizing movie, and one that hits the right notes more often than not, even if we have no clue what in the hell the overall song is supposed to be about.

It's worth watching, if you like the weird turned up to 11.

B+

The Lure is available now on VOD, and it hits Blu-ray & DVD on October 10th.

We've fallen under the spell of Michalina Olszanska's siren song. Mermaid song. Whatever.