Blu-ray Review: Evils of the Night (1985)

"If the tag-line "Full of sex, lasers, synth-pop, feathered hair, bikinis and axe wounds..." doesn't make you want to see this movie, then run away and do not look back."

A bunch of old-ass space vampires need the blood of the young to survive and remain immortal, so they head to Skank Bang Beach to capture and drain some local whores and their dimwit boyfriends of their life essence.

AH, SUMMERTIME.

The sex-starved teens (who look like they're in their 30's), party, swim, lay in the sun, have sex, and are kidnapped by two 90-year-old mechanics who deliver them to the space vampires in a hospital, who are equipped with rings that shoot weak laser rays, just in case their victims try to escape.

There's really all there is to the plot. Honestly, I probably overstated things a bit.

HE'S 120-YEARS-OLD, YOU CAN TAKE HIM!

Make no mistake, Evils of the Night is a bad movie. It's full of hot naked chicks, has tons of sex, and is amusing with its silly plot and even sillier acting, but if you don't like bad movies, then this one will pain you to watch.

It would make for one hell of an MST3K episode, though.

With classic names like Aldo Ray, Neville Brand, Horror legend John Carradine, Julie Newmar (the original Catwoman), and Tina Louise (Ginger from Gilligan's Island) in the cast, you'd figure that this movie was going to be something above b-grade, but no, they were just looking for a paycheck.

That's alright though, because their presence, along with the absurdity of the plot, acting, special effects, and gratuitous sex and nudity, make for one crazy, mixed-up, throwback of a good time.

IF YOU HAD A PENIS IN THE 80'S YOU KNEW WHO AMBER LYNN WAS.

Did anyone else notice that the Blu-ray art/poster shows the Millennium Falcon shooting through space? How Lucasfilm let that one slip by, is a mystery to me. And who did the producers of this movie think they were fooling to begin with?

Also, the "Features some of the most gruesome special effects ever put to film" line that I've seen used in reference to this movie is a straight-up lie. This movie is mostly blood-free, and if anyone says any different, you shouldn't trust the words that come out of their mouths.

THAT FEATHERED HAIR LOL.

Why did so many classic actors and actresses take such shitty roles in shitty movies during the 80's? Don't get me wrong, I'd take the easy paycheck too if I were them, but damn, you've really got to be broke to show up in a clunker like this. Worst of all is that they're all really trying to act in this one. Like giving a genuine effort.

They deserved better.

WHO THAT GUY IN THE MIDDLE IS, WE HAVE NO CLUE.

As cute as G.T. Taylor (who played Connie) was, how is it that she never starred in another movie besides this one? Sure, maybe she went onto something better in her life, but she was so 80's hot that it makes us sad that she went away.

SHE HAD SUCH POTENTIAL...

For a B-grade Horror flick from the 80's that shamelessly went the exploitation route, you'd figure that there would be plenty of gore and violence to be had here, but no. Although and axe and a drill provide some gore, this is a tame movie on that front.

BEHOLD, THE VIOLENCE!

I'm pretty sure that this movie was originally supposed to be some sort of softcore porn flick, because the first 20-minutes of this one is nothing but sex and nudity. Even 80's porn superstars Amber Lynn and Jerry Butler show up to get it on.

THIS IS WHAT GOOD FRIENDS DO ON A PUBLIC BEACH.

If you like bad movies, cheesy retro Horror, naked chicks, or Aldo Ray, then this is one disc that you need to own.The movie sucks, but it's definitely one to watch with a few cold beers when you're in the mood for some retro laughs.

Evils of the Night is available on Blu-ray, DVD and VOD now.

This movie is full of Retro Hotties, chief amongst them, the insatiable Amber Lynn.

Giallo Month Review: A Blade in the Dark (1983)

"Lamberto, the ther Bava, makes his Giallo mark."

*This review is a re-post of one we did back in 2008.

"NO MOTHER, I DON'T RESENT YOU AT ALL."

Break this movie down? Riiiight. Like anyone on the planet can just "tell you" what an Italian Horror flick from the late 70's/early 80's is actually about? Well guess what? They can't! Why do men from Tennessee often circumcise themselves by rubbing their peckers against rusty barbed wire fences? Can you tell me that? Oh, but that's different, right? You're all sheep.

Anywho... Our little Giallo story begins with three kids throwing a ball down a creepy staircase into a dark cellar; one of them is transgendered, and the other two nearly gay bash the poor kid to death. The kid runs for his life into the basement, only to be gay bashed to death for real this time, by the creepy killer in the cellar. At least Mr. Murder gives the other two their ball back.

LIVE YOUR LIFE, FABRIZIO. WE WON'T JUDGE YOU.

We next meet Bruno, the slow-witted composer who just moved into a posh countryside villa to finish work on his latest movie score. He soon begins to hear noises around the house and decides to investigate; unfortunately for him, he is hindered by some "slow motion" disease that he got from a hooker in Barcelona. A few hours later, he finally makes it out of the room, and (slowly) heads downstairs to the biggest basement ever made. He saves a girl, Katia, from a Scroach (that's a spider-roach hybrid, for those of you who haven't been to Europe), and then she asks him for a cigarette.

Not bothering to ask her what the hell she was doing in his basement, he eventually forgets that she's there, and begins composing his new masterpiece. For the record, his big accomplishment in this movie is finishing the first line in one song during his entire stay; he plays the same 10 notes over, and over, and over again, which I'm guessing is what drove the killer in this movie to go insane and start offing people. Katia pays for his lack of any sort of enthusiasm or sense of urgency, with her life.

IS THERE A SIGN ON THE DOOR THAT SAYS 'PLEASE RANDOMLY COME IN' ?"

Within ten minutes of all of this happening, another chick randomly pops up in the house, and this time Bruno actually gets laid. The next morning, he kicks her out because he is very busy working on the opening line of his song, but is dismayed to find yet another young, sex-starved girl show up randomly, only this time in the yard, not in the house. He lets her swim and shower, and then she too is killed. What exactly goes on in Italy?

With all of the disappearances, some odd phone calls, a slashed nudie picture, and finding the Master Tape of his half-assed song destroyed, he begins to wonder if something strange is going on. Again, he's slow. Far be it from me to spoil what happens for you here, but suffice it to say that more people die, and Bruno never even finishes one half of that frigging song.

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, BRUNO, CAN YOU PLAY MORE THAN 10 NOTES?!?

Lamberto Bava is the man. Like his father before him (we love you Mario Bava!), the guy knows how to craft himself one effective Giallo; A Blade in the Dark is tense, atmospheric, bloody, creepy, confusing and poorly dubbed... in short, it's a blood-soaked treat for us all. I can see how some people would look at a movie like this and instantly see a cheesy, dated mess, because that's pretty much what it is, but then those are the type of Horror fans who pay to see remakes of The Hitcher and Shutter, and actually enjoy watching them. *Yes, I'm an elitist prick. You should join me, because it's really nice up here on my "I'm always right" cloud.

There's so much craziness at work in a movie like this, that it satisfies on many different levels, despite its shortcomings. Italian Horror movies of old are all about atmosphere, excessive violence, sleaze, and tension... which are all things that they tend to pull off very well. Unfortunately, the price we pay for enjoying those great aspects, is that these movies usually severely lack in the way of coherence and sense. It's worth every minute though. Honestly.

DON'T RUN OR ANYTHING...

Can you please tell me just how stupid a guy has to be to find a bunch of random chicks roaming around his house, and say nothing more than "Hey, how are you!" to them? That's not being very safety-minded. Not at all. Also, let me make one thing crystal clear here: If ever I find three hot, clueless bimbos sneaking around my house, they're all getting the "Old Hucklebuck." Period. That's the price you pay for invading my sanctum, ladies.

SHE KNOWS WHAT THE OLD HUCKLEBUCK IS. SHE KNOWS.

Cross dressing children... when will it end?

WELL, I SUPPOSE IT ENDS WITH CROSS-DRESSING ADULTS?

Plenty o' gore to be had here, mostly in the form of multiple slashings and stabbings. Stay classy Italy, we love you!

SHE HAD IT COMING.

A pair of late 70's style A-Cup boobies... and that's it.

"It's not a spider, it's a cockroach!" aka Scroach.

Scroaches do exist. Also, if you rent a villa in Europe, random slutty chicks will just show up and hang out with you.

SHE'LL NEVER TRESPASS AGAIN.

For its time and for what it was, A Blade in the Dark is a solid flick. You just can't beat a good old fashioned Giallo flick for entertainment value. I'd recommend renting it before buying though, as it may not be everyone's cup of tea.

B

A Blade in the Dark is available now on DVD and VOD.

The ever-lovely Lara Naszinsky is in this.

Giallo Review: Stagefright (1987)

*This is a repost of a review that we did in 2015.

StageFright is the story of an acting troupe putting on a show about mass murderer called the Night Owl... and yes, that involves one of them wearing a cumbersome owl mask while jumping around in a retarded frenzy, pretending that they know how to dance. Why is this even happening? Because Italian Horror Cinema goes there, that's why.

SOMEONE IN ITALY HAS OBVIOUSLY BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH FAME.

Unbeknownst to the gang of half-assed Flashdancers, a former actor turned Serial Killer has just escaped from the local mental hospital (which some of the dancers were just at, doing research?), and is heading over to the theater to kill them all in the name of insane revenge, or some such shit. Maybe he just hates dancers who do research, I don't know. It's never really made all that clear, because this is Italian Horror, and who needs clarity?

"WHOOOOO DARES RESEARCH THE NIGHT OWL?!?"

No matter what his motivation, the Night Owl hacks, drills, and slashes his way through the cast of the Serial Killer musical, setting up a pretty intense showdown between himself and one plucky little dancer with a bum ankle; and trust us, that showdown ends up being way better than it sounds.

Classic Italian Horror goodness ensues.

THIS CAN'T END WELL.

It's a shame that Michele Soavi started to come to prominence as a director in the late 80's & early 90's, just as the Italian Horror market was starting to decline, because the man had a unique feel for the Genre, and who knows what else he could have done. Between The Sect, The Church, Cemetery Man, and StageFright, Soavi gave us some of the most nuanced, effective Italian Horror movies that we've ever seen, and that's saying a lot.

Having worked with the likes of Dario Argento, Lamberto Bava, and Joe D'amato, it's really no surprise that he picked up some of their best habits along the way, and forged them into a directing style all his own; a style which makes StageFright an effective Slasher/Giallo hybrid that is to this day remains a largely undiscovered gem.

THERE'S MICHELE NOW, STARRING IN A BLADE IN THE DARK.

We always avoided watching this movie because the idea of a Movie Maniac wearing an owl mask inspired more laughter from us than it did fear; we honestly still smirk a bit when we see the pics of the Night Owl in action. There's nothing amusing about the killer in the movie though, and in fact, we found him to be one of the more terrifying and intimidating killers from an 80's Slasher flick, and we've seen nearly all of them at one point or another.

There are two sequences in the movie where our Final Girl is hiding while the Night Owl is either killing someone (the shower scene), or surveying his carnage (the stage scene), which were so gripping and intense that we had to watch them again to make sure we weren't over-reacting. We weren't. The Final Girl more than earns her title in this one.

LIKE A VILLAIN.

There's nothing more annoying in Horror movies than when someone screams incessantly. I know that sounds like an odd thing to say when talking about Horror movies, because screaming has always been a big part of them, but no one screams over, and over, and over again like that in real life unless they're a bit daft, or more accurately, over-dramatic.

It's like a retarded record stuck on repeat.

PLEASE SHUT UP OR DIE!

Again, as is usually the case with Italian Horror movies, StageFright gave us another nonsensical, "WTF?" type of ending. Don't get us wrong; we love those endings, as they are a big part of what gives most Italian Horror flicks of the 80's their charm, but could jut one Italian director from that era have given us a normal, reasonable ending to their movie? Just one?

FEELS LIKE HE'S STARING DEEP INTO YOUR SOUL, DOESN'T IT? WELL, HE IS.

This movie if full of bloody good moments; some of them happen off-screen and we only get to see their aftermath, but there are still plenty of graphic on-screen moments of brutality and gore to satisfy the even most ardent of Gorehounds.

YEP, IT'S TIME TO GO.

Aside from the dancers wearing skimpy costumes, and one brief shot of breasts from above, there is no nudity in this movie.

THIS IS ABOUT AS CLOSE TO NUDITY AS THIS ONE GETS.

Blue Underground has given us yet another impressive disc with this release of StageFright.

The AVC 1080p transfer is visually pleasing, clean, and crisp. It's not perfect, but the blacks are deep, the colors vivid, and the flaws are few and far between. For most people, this disc will appear as an excellent or stunning visual effort. For hardcore Videophiles with a keen eye though, it will be easy to find flaws to nitpick with this transfer, such as minor color temperature issues. We thought it looked great though.

The best part of its visual presentation however is that for the first time, the film is presented in a 1.85:1 aspect ratio, which is notable because most, if not all (we're not sure) of StageFright's previous Home Video versions had been incorrectly framed.

The DTS-HD Master Audio 5.1 Audio Track is pretty damned stellar, and we're not even big Audiophiles.

Special Features:

• Trailer.
• Poster & Still Gallery.
• Theatre Of Delirium - Interview with Director Michele Soavi.
• Head Of The Company - Interview with Star David Brandon.
• Blood On The Stage Floor - Interview with Star Giovanni Lombardo Radice.
• The Owl Murders - Interview with Make-up Effects Artist Pietro Tenoglio.
• The Sound Of Aquarius - Interview with Composer Simon Boswell.

WHY WOULD ANYONE EVEN LOOK BEHIND THAT CURTAIN?!?

As Italian Horror movies from the 80's go, StageFright is a hidden gem of an effort that deserves to be seen by a wider audience. It's as atmospheric and intense as most other similar movies of the 80's were, and if you're a fan of the works of Argento, Bava, Fulci, et al. from that 80's era, then this is a movie that you will most likely enjoy in equal measure.

If you like Slasher flicks, then this movie is definitely for you. 

B+

StageFright is available now on Blu-ray, DVD, and VOD.

It's not easy finding "non movie" pictures of the ladies of StageFright, so here are a few screenshots of them instead. It's the best we could do.